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It's The
First Annual Double Agent Awards
For Outstanding Achievement In
The Field of Arch Nemesis!
Er, that is to say, being an Arch Nemesis... you know, the field of being an Arch Nemesis... not that there is a field for being an Arch Nemesis, not an organized community at any rate, I mean the whole thing is a Simpsons spoof of that one where Homer gets an award for being made sterile by the nuclear radiation and you see the vibrating chair and the 2001 sight gag, tho you know I had kinda hoped that this would start a field of Arch Nemesis, or Arch Nemesing, not like movie supervillains or anything where they kill millions of people just to prove a point but maybe like Superfriends supervillains where they might try to steal some money or kidnap Wendy and Marvin or take over the world with a plastic inflatable giant anteater which I guess was like really scary when the cartoons got made in the early 70's though it seems pretty lame now and I'm not quite sure why anybody would want a community of supervillians or Arch Nemesises (or whatever the plural of Nemesis is) like Superfriends supervillains, or the Superfriends themselves, they sucked too, now where was I? Oh yeah, the field of being an Arch Nemesis, not that there is a field, you know, with flowers and grass and blue sky and stuff...
NOTE: PLEASE TRY TO IGNORE THE PREVIOUS RAMBLINGS AND PRETEND THAT THE FOLLOWING IS A GLAMOROUS AWARDS CEREMONY ON PAR WITH THE EMMYS OR OSCARS, ALTHOUGH UNFORTUNATELY WITHOUT THE BIG STARS OR INTERESTING PERFORMANCE INTERMISSIONS. THANK YOU.
Good evening, folks! My name is Chris Jones, better known as the Double Agent here at the Gaming Intelligence Agency, and tonight we're going to present a series of awards to those people who have presented themselves best as potential Arch Nemeses for the Double Agent.
All votes have been officially tabulated by the certified accounting firm of Price Waterhouse Coopers. Or at least we would have liked to have them tabulate the votes, but they were really freaking expensive and we're kinda on a shoestring budget here, as if you couldn't tell. So instead I tabulated the votes myself while eating microwave pizza and watching King of the Hill the other night. I think they should be pretty accurate, although I might have accidentally trashed some of the votes when cleaning out my mailbox, but I'm sure they weren't important anyway.
There are three awards to be given out tonight: the winner of the Arch Nemesis Contest and the Runner Up, both of whom were selected by popular email vote, and the Editor's Choice Award winner, who I picked based on the number of little pepperoni chunks on the above mentioned microwave pizza. All contestants will receive these valuable specially commissioned Drew Cosner Awards™, which are suitable for framing or stuffing and mounting over your fireplace. And now here's the artist himself, Drew Cosner, with a short prepared statement.
Thank you, Chris. I hope that all of you will enjoy these thematic awards. However, it should be noted that Bowzer, Big Boss Wart, and the Goombas are all copyrighted to and fully owned by Nintendo Corporate Limited, yadda yadda yadda. I say this because I don't want any branch of Nintendo to sue me, soil my name in a national newspaper in order to discredit me, rip all the heads off of my Barbie dolls or anything else of that unpleasant nature. That would be just awful. Back to you, Chris.
Thank you very much, Drew. And I hope that massive outbreak of... whatever the hell that is on your face clears up real soon now. Just don't touch me, ok?
Onward.
Our first award for the night is the Editor's Choice Award. As I mentioned earlier this award is my own personal favorite submission. Not that this has anything to do with the actual winner of the contest, but it's my column so I get to force my opinion on all of you and pretend that it has some sort of intrinsic merit. So bow down and worship my mighty opinion, or I shoot you.
Now let's see the nominees...
[A woman's cool, pseudo-synthesized voice comes out of nowhere: The Nominees are...]
Well, pretty much everyone in the Arch Nemesis Contest. And we don't want to repeat all 30-odd names, do we? Didn't think so. Just go back and read 'em if you've got the urge. At any rate, the winning submission follows...
| For days I've listened to wretched and dimwitted plebeians mewling and
pucking like infants trying to "win the honor" of being your Arch Nemesis. It's time for these sycophants to move over and let the real badasses through. I'm not going to petition you for a state of mutual hatred and competition; I'm simply going to cut the Gordian knot by throwing down the gauntlet and slapping you like a two-cent whore. From the first day in your lamentable position as Double-Agent, I have conspired to end your pitiable attempt to beguile the gaming community with your ruse as a columnist. Anyone with a vertebrae can patently see that you are a talentless lackey with no insight into anything but your own ass. That's why as your self-proclaimed Arch Nemesis, I'm going to disrupt your transmission of nothingness by destroying the GIA's geosynchronous satellite! Then all of those cyber punks will be without substance, and the gaming community will be halted! Oh, but it doesn't stop there. I'm not only going to attack your profession and livelihood, but you as well! I'll create an unnecessarily complex and foilable plan to ruin your name and put you in a perpetual state of suffering. Then, as the dramatic plan comes to its final stages, I'll turn my head and laugh maniacally so you will be able to defeat me. Next, I'll swear vengeance upon your head as you repair the satellite and put the GIA back online, and we've got a sequel. Those are worth big bucks. But what about a world-wide crime organization, you ask? I'm just getting started. Vergada Holdings? I'm sure you've heard of it. London, Kinshasa, Cáceres- arms brokering, mostly. Then you've got Munzidiche- they're in Berlin- with chemicals weapons and toxic waste. Then you've got Ivank Unlimited, Moscow- money laundering to the Eastern block- it goes on and on and on. I'm into everything. DeSoto and DeBolista, Panama, that's a firm that sets up bank accounts for judges all over South America. Huge drug cases, murder, everything. Satisfied? Super powers? Ahhh, who needs em'? I've got esoteric references and cryptic riddles. I traded my X-ray vision and super strength for those and an impressive set of Susan B. Anthony coins at the swap meet. A marvelous buy, those coins. "O, 'tis most sweet, when in one line two crafts directly meet". Prepare yourself. Your Arch Nemesis |
That's right, Your Arch Nemesis has won the coveted Editor's Choice Award! YAM is the lucky recipient of this beautiful Drew Cosner Award™, which is both non-carcinogenic and flame resistant! Congratulations, Your Arch Nemesis!
Unfortunately, Your Arch Nemesis could not attend tonight's festivities. Accepting in his place will be noted RPG character Crono!
... ...? ... ...! ...! ... ... |
Next we have the Runner Up, that contestant which came closest to winning the hearts and minds of the DA column readers, aside from the winner him or herself. In the likely event that the Arch Nemesis is unable to complete his or her duties due to internal treachery or gruesome death, the Runner Up will be responsible for assuming the Arch Nemesis' duties as general purpose demagogue and sociopath. And don't say it'll never happen! We all remember that unfortunate incident last year with the superglue and the swarm of PCP-crazed wombats.
No, wait, this is the first ever Double Agent Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Arch Nemesis. Who was that guy anyway?
Whatever, let's see the nominees...
[A woman's cool, pseudo-synthesized voice comes out of nowhere: The Nominees are...]
Again, everyone in the Arch Nemesis Contest, including the Editor's Choice winner. If you read them before you probably don't want to read them again, and if you didn't read them before you probably don't want to read them now. Let's just see the winning submission...
| I seem to be a bit late sending this, but I have no respect for
deadlines.In that vein I, a top executive at Square Japan who speaks terrible Japanese,
will make your nightmares come true: I will release copies of FFIX early to certain gamers
who obey my evil commands. And then I'll let Japanese gamers play FFIX and beat it, and
encourage them to post spoiler after spoiler on gaming message boards, in English, to make
you suffer. Also I will pay my friends the Yakuza to assassinate Vibri and burn his body
to ashes. And I'll dance on the ashes. So there. Then I'll create a Chrono/Mario Bros. crossover called The Pipes of Time in which Marle and Luigi have a mad, passionate romance, leading to a sequel called Chrono Quest Gaiden (Chrono Mystic Quest US) which will consist of nothing but capturing and training little mushroom-demons to do your evil bidding. I'll force you to tattoo the image of Lara Croft on your forehead, so that everyone who sees you will scream "My God, what is that THING?" Finally, I'll create an American TV show based on Brave Fencer Musashi...or as I want to call it, Sword Heroes. I've told you all my plans. Now I have to kill you. My regards to your squaw and rugrats, Lord Itlan the Marginally Delayed. PS-I have herpes. And I'll give them to you. |
Congratulations to Lord Itlan, our Runner Up! We can only hope that despite his crushing loss at the hands of the actual winner, Lord Itlan will go ahead with his development of Sword Heroes, which I'm sure will be every bit the quality show that Pokemon is! Lord Itlan is also the recipient of this sleek and stylish Drew Cosner Award™, guaranteed to stop the bleeding in 30 days or your money back!
| Dear Meddling Do-Gooder: My father used to tell me never to accept second best. That was the only good advice he gave me soberly, besides "never leave a witness." Therefore, I am now spending my free time in the Lab Of Ultimate Aevil plotting the overthrow of the AN Winner. Mainly, however, I'm initiating a merger between Squaresoft and Disney. Just wait until you go to a Magical Kingdom and a midget in a giant poofy Cloud costume attacks you with a spray-painted silver cardboard Buster sword. Despite the fact that I'm now officially only the Second Evillest Mutha in RPG villainy, I'll proceed as planned! O ho ho ho ho! Oh yes, almost forgot: First cheesy personal threat as Second Evillest Mutha in RPG Villainy: I know where you hide your dirty magazines as well as where your mommy lives, you Bishoujosenshi-Sailormoon-RPG-playing nincompoop. Fear my (substandard) aura of wrath. I don't want to kill everybody if I don't have t-- Oh hell, who am I trying to kid? Let the carnage begin! LORD "MUTHA" ITLAN |
Well folks, I know I said that there wouldn't be any interesting performance intermissions. And I was right. However, we have agreed to have Britney Spears come out and perform for you! And this damn well better settle my gambling debts to her agent.
[Spears comes out, dressed in a standard Japanese schoolgirl outfit. Many otaku in the audience look at one another in confusion as to why this 17-year old is being trotted out, as she's far too ancient and decrepit by anime standards to be worth lusting after. Spears' song begins and she and her dancers begin their act, but their moves are poorly synched to the obviously canned music. This impression is strengthened when the music begins to fade out intermittently, finally grinding to a halt altogether in the middle of the song.]
[Spears & company stand in the middle of the stage for a moment, confused as to what to do. Then one of her musicians in the background makes the mistake of actually trying to play his instrument. Then another, and another, playing halting renditions of whatever piece of pop trash Spears was singing. The fateful moment then begins and Spears attempts to sing. This is a new experience for all concerned, as no one has ever heard Britney's unaltered, unmodified voice.]
[To put it mildly, it's not a good idea. Fortunately, because of the lack of working microphones on stage (she's never needed them before) only the first few rows are effected. But those unlucky hundreds writhe in their seats, blood gushing out of their ears even as they clamp their hands down to keep out the sounds. As the noise continues, some spontaneously burst into flames while others liquefy into a strange pink goo that runs of its own accord to center stage. As the goo comes in contact with Spears, she begins to mutate into a long-limbed monstrosity floating above the ground, her voice becoming louder and louder.]
[Fortunately, one member of the audience is unaffected! It's Aya Brea, dressed in her blue jeans/leather jacket combo! She pulls out her trusty heavily-modified shotgun and begins firing at Spears, who stops singing, whirls around and heads backstage, with Aya in hot pursuit.]
[A previously unseen army of janitors quickly comes out to sweep away the burnt corpses and hose down the remaining pools of goo. A mass of seat-fillers rapidly feeds in to the empty rows, and within minutes Chris is back on stage.]
Well, I was mistaken, folks, because that was damn enjoyable! Let's hear it for the mutated Britney Spears and her Arch Nemesis, Officer Aya Brea!
[The survivors in the audience cheer wildly, except for those who just came in to the theater.]
Now it's time for what you've all been waiting for, the Arch Nemesis Award!
[Sound fx of crickets chirping from old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Heedless, Chris continues.]
Yeah! All right! Ok, by this point I think we're all aware of what the basic duties of an Arch Nemesis are, but that's not going to stop me from recapping them right now. An Arch Nemesis is by definition the absolute enemy of the hero in a story, and what that hero stands for. And since this is my column I get to define myself both as the hero and as someone who stands up for all that is right and good and decent and progressive in RPGs, and in music, literature, movies, and in column writing in general. Which logically means that my Arch Nemesis must work for all that is wrong and bad and horrible and archaic in RPGs, etc. This person has their work cut out for them. That said, let's hear the nominees!
[A woman's cool, pseudo-synthesized voice comes out of nowhere: The Nominees are...]
Everyone in the Arch Nemesis Contest, of course, with the exception of the Runner Up. Nobody's going to read that list of entries yet again, but I would like to take this time to point out some Honorable Mentions, people who were noteworthy because of the number of votes they received and/or the overall quality of their entries:
Microsoft Emperor Gates, Princess Jemmy, Link's Shadow, Jim Stanfield, Soval the Agent, The Anti Import Fiend, Jon, and CTZanderman.
Which brings us to the actual winner...
| Chris Pathetic. That's the only word I can use to describe the dismal efforts of readers thus far in attempting to acquire the position as your Arch Nemesis. Of(f) course, I cannot simply sit back and watch such weaklings vie for the position. Oh no. So, it is time for my effort. Be prepared, wretched Double Agent! I know the way to defeat you. It is not tampering with the release schedule of games, nor is it threatening to destroy Square, or to attack your dear freckles; no! It is shock factor my dear Mr. Jones. Eat this! [Unable to display image] Haaaaaaa haaaaaa! Yes, I will sent similar pictures of Fabio and others daily until you bow to my whims! Be ready Double Agent, or should I say....errr.....something else! Mwhaaa haaaa haaaa haaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa HAAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAHA HAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! Justin Freeman PS. Just for the hell of it, I too will threaten to mess with the gaming industry. I will show both Senator Liberman and Sgt. David Grossman beta versions of Conker's Bad Fur day! The uproar they will cause will bring the industry to its knees, and make sure we never see another game not bearing either a Sesame Street or Barney license! Hehehehehe.... give up, Mr. Jones, you know what I want. |
Yes indeed, Mr. Justin Freeman wins the 2000 Double Agent Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Arch Nemesis! In addition to the often imitated, never duplicated custom-built Drew Cosner Award™, Mr. Freeman will also receive a lovely GIA t-shirt, delivery to be scheduled sometime after the awards ceremony tonight. My hearty congratulations to Mr. Freeman, and all who tried out. We can only hope Mr. Freeman is quick to begin his attempted reign of ultimate terror, but for now let's hear from the man himself!
| Well, I suppose I should congratulate all you peons out there for not
throwing your vote away, and instead wisely using it to nominate me. I must say, this is
indisputable proof of the fear Fabio instills into the general populace. Now, those of you
that didn't vote for me...well, you shall be dealt with at a later date. As the official Arch Nemesis, it is my duty to generally annoying most everyone, and spread endless, and mostly empty threats. A true villain would do nothing else. My first action as the embodiment of evil is to declare that the blame for everything bad in this world falls solely on the shoulders of Mr. Jones. Everything. Let him know people. But, of course, that is not enough. No, I will continue to spread insanity and inanity throughout the column on a daily basis; it'll just be more sick and perverse from now on. Farewell, for now....mwhaa haaa haaa haaa... Oh yeah, as for Ian and his threat? Bring it on bitch. Arch Nemesis, |
Thanks once more to all the voters, all the contestants, all the winners, and everyone who made this possible including the good folks at the GIA for hosting us! That's all for now, good night everybody!
-Chris Jones, preparing to firebomb Justin Freeman's house
[Assorted technical and administrative credits follow, but you've probably already switched to another channel before you hear them. Therefore it's only appropriate to close with what will undoubtedly be the last thing you hear tonight before you turn off the TV...]
Pyle!
Shazam!
End transmission.