100 RPG questions

Andrew Vestal

   Devoted RPG fan Jonathan Weng thought he could stump GIA's Double Agent with 100 blistering questions concerning the past, present, and future of role-playing games. Not one to back down from a challenge, Allan threw down the gauntlet and spent countless weeks tirelessly studying, researching, and bribing top-level videogame executives for answers before making them all up. Allan laughed, soundly foiling all of Jonathan's dastardly plans.

   No one could have prophecized the length Jonathan would go to in order to defeat the Double Agent. Before Allan could finish his chuckle, Jonathan had already formulated a new set of questions -- not just an addendum, but 100 new queries. Allan grimaced slightly, but decided to bravely undertake the challenge once again. The GIA feared for his sanity, however, as during his last 100 question answering binge he kept repeating the words "Richard Simmons" over and over to himself. Thus the selfless Andrew Vestal took on the task of answering the questions.

Square has become so mindbogglingly powerful that they no longer feel obligated to obey the laws of thermodynamics. An array of perpetual motion bobbing birds power the stick back and forth.

Actually, Double Agent is a desk job. "Sitting Fellow" just didn't have that zing, ya know?

Bikke was getting tired of the piracy trade and looking for an "easy out." Fighting you was his way of seeing if you were a bad enough dude to rescue the Elf King.

Brother's and sisters have I none; Dycedarg's brother is his younger one.

Because KFC was out of sporks.

No, Edgar's parents were strictly USAF.

A look at a standard medical reference tells us that antipyretics are "herbs that are cooling to the system and are used to reduce fevers." So who knows? Maybe the composer felt that the song had soothing powers.

From the introduction of the cinema (1890) until around 1950, films were shot in what was later called "Academy" ratio, or 1.33:1. Later, when TV was widely introduced, television sets (of course) were built to this ratio -- it's what all the movies were filmed at, after all! The popularity of television led to a dip in movie attendance, and the cinema needed a new "edge" to get its viewers back.

This edge came in the form of widescreen aspect ratios; now, movie theatres again offered "more" than you could get at home. Widescreen spectacles such as Ben Hur, Spartacus, and Lawrence of Arabia, presented in sizes ranging from the standard widescreen ratio (1.85:1) to CinemaScope (2.35:1) enthralled audiences. A variety of widescreen aspect ratios are still used by directors today.

And I thought I hadn't learned anything from my film history course!

Children in Shevat were never taught about gravity. They just don't know any better.

The 2 big slugs attack you with tag-team slug action, while the 1 big slug and 1 big slug are inefficient and uncoordinated.

Well, because an RPG is its own novelization, if you stop to think about it. Also, no one writes a Doom novel because they were inspired by the fantastic characterization and settings. Doom novels are written because Joe Schmoe has heard of Doom. The name "Chrono Trigger" isn't as widespread.

Because a square "A" would look pretty stupid, wouldn't it.

The steamship was built by hyper-intelligent alien lifeforms in a pique of boredom one afternoon. They like to watch humans run around and flip switches. It amuses them.

Cid was the invisible townsperson in Corneria Castle.

They can manufacture them all right -- they just can't hang on to the silly things. Save cubes exist outside of space and time, and the center of each cube a singularity focused on the memory card in Slot 1. Sometimes, one of them goes missing and ends up somewhere random. Unfortunately for them, it often appears in a location fortuitous for their opponents.

Maria is really a crustacean, and her exoskeleton can withstand 100 times that of a normal human. Yeah, I was surprised too.

Yes, he oscillated back and forth until he ended up rotating around the earth. The GIA then took pity on him and let him into our geosynchronous satellite.

With hair like that, no one takes him seriously as a threat -- until it's too late!

She's a general, not some opera floozy! Her military training helped her salvage the party's inventory.

None of the other numbers wanted the job.

She's using her Parasite Energy to dial the phone without picking it up! Look for her (and her talent) to feature in a future 10-10-321 commercial.

Magus is a badass. Forced to hang out with ordinary putzes like a mute, a cheerleading reject, a technogeek, and a giant frog -- amongst others -- he finds it difficult to get motivated. Plus he missed Alfador.

Bart is physically repulsed by the "stuffed animal's" extreme cuteness. Sure, he's strong enough to pick it up -- but would YOU touch that thing?

Spores.

Brownian motion.

What do you think the portals are for? Looking at all the beautiful sand rushing by?

Fortunately, the Solaris Empire was able to restore these rooms from last week's Norton Utilities backup.

Glandular disorders and/or involuntary lobotomies. They're more to be pitied than hated.

He's a real shitty player, and he never tunes the damn thing.

Faced with your power, they're like deer in headlights.

In the Japanese version, they were called the Knights of the Rectangular Table. Unfortunately, translation limitations led to the geometrical inaccuracy. Most fans don't notice.

They all have a Mr. Fusion!

These things pierce the ceilings, man! Fortunately, they're accurate enough to miss your party.

Orlandu was busy trying to figure out how to spell his nam properly, and was unable to give the war his full attention.

They can't "think outside the box."

You have clearly never seen a woman's purse, my friend. Those things are full.

The party could be entirely male. Alternatively, his or her dog could run up and chew through the PSX's power cable. Besides that, it would be extremely difficult.

Because otherwise someone might actually finish the game. By the way, I don't believe you actually made it to that level.

Plate tetonics and massive earthquakes. The times between Zelda titles are not pretty.

Prejudice towards titles with a medieval setting.

You're not sleeping, you're power napping!

Since you're already feeling refreshed, the innkeeper figures his costs will be minimal. And hey, he really likes you!

All the arm-motions during fights while falling slow their descent.

Er ... umm ... disturbances in the space-time continuum!

Asian monks often train in the martial arts in order to purify the body and focus the spirit. And to beat up Jehovah's Witnesses.

Because it's GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG-REAT!

You mean you didn't find the others?

Setzer, being a suave gambler playboy, has mastered the boomerang card throw, slicing his opponent with the special razor-sharp edges. Shadow, being a former dork named "Clyde," can only chuck the deck and hope for the best.

If you had a die covered with as many dots as it could hold, there wouldn't be any die left. It would be all hole.

They're actually trying to bore Bond into submission, but Bond is stronger than that. James builds his tolerance to self-indulgent, endless prattle through regular reading of RPGamer's Q&A column.

Off course!

He's the giant mutant frog from the beginning of Blaster Master, and he's tryin to find his way home. Since the game was released before required emission testing, the cars' exhaust is lethal.

Scotty put the petal to the metal and just wouldn't let up. Must've been the hooch.

Notice how there's no one else in his club? And that he thinks his old man's alcoholism is just a penchant for "cider"? He's a few tacos short of a combination plate, if you catch my drift.

That's awfully impractical. How would the zombies bust out to terrorize the townsfolk, then?

I always thought that he plugged up the cannon with his body; that's why he ended up halfway across the world, at the Cave of Sylph. Now that I stop to think about it, that sounds pretty stupid. Then again, so was Yang -- what do you expect from an hay-feverish ninja?

Photosynthesis.

Because Golbez is evil. It doesn't say to kill Golbez, or hurt Golbez, just to stop Golbez. To save him from himself. An admirable goal indeed.

You use the Force.

They only have 8k of RAM. Newer model mutants can learn twice as many spells before they start forgetting.

Giant magnets underneath the floor send pulsating electromagnetic waves up into the sword. Swinging the sword gives the waves momentum and directs them out the tip.

A network of several thousand minature cameras, placed around Guardia by the Omnicam Corporation, show Yakra everything he needs to know.

Doozers run in and reassemble it before your party returns.

He's afraid of catching Sephiroth cooties.

Remember when your Sunday school teacher told you that God had a purpose for everything? Well, in our heroes' world, God's ways ain't so mysterious. RPG dieties don't waste time with extraneous architecture.

Because they were tragically misinformed by Rafa and Malak's agent. ("I have these twins, you see, they work like a team, and they're so powerful, you won't believe your eyes!)

They have little dragons inside of them.

I dunno. I'll leave it up to you -- whatever floats your sandship boat.

Cross-marketing. It's the only way Square can afford to make all these expensive titles; constantly plug each new game in all the others. Cloud didn't appear in Final Fantasy Tactics because Square thought it would be cool. He appeared to encourage gamers to buy FF VII, if they hadn't already. Devious, those Squarezians.

Final Fantasy characters are all Zen Buddhists; they have little trouble becoming one with each other. They do it to save space -- and so the whole party can fit in those sporty one-seater European coupes.

His seemingly random smikey hair is actually shaped like an airplane wing, and gives him lift.

Under the confines of the Geneva Convention, customs won't allow Americans import more than 9999 damage per attack. They might use it for evil.

Daravon's pet hydra.

Because you're heavily armed and usually outnumber them. They're not being helpful, or even just ignorant. The poor saps are scared to death.

Ever since Crono's father was killed by a nasty shade of mauve, he's been very selective about what hues he'll allow near him. He hasn't spoken much, either.

Sad and pathetic. It's hard to imagine getting excited about vacuum cleaners and car dealerships. But you can always dream that, one day, you'll achieve every jingler's dream: singing the title song to Interplay's Clayfighter. ~Clayfighter, Clay-Clay-fighter!~

One theory holds that episodes I-IV represent previous "stories" of our heroes. Episode V is just the fifth iteration of the endless saga.

It's really complicated to explain -- but, in a nutshell, the atmosphere of rectangular worlds refracts light differently from our owns; at high altitudes the distortion is so great that buildings sometimes appear upside down! Corrective lenses can help.

Years ago, Matoya was looking for some more "HERB," if you know what I mean, and her stash was depleted. In a stoned rage, she cursed the Black Chocobo and all its ilk. Now, if he touches the ground, he'll die.

Because he's a witch. Or is that warlock?

The lava doesn't kill him; with his spiky shell, it's little more than a relaxing hot bath. Unfortunately, lacking forearms, he can't hit the axe himself and is dependent on Mario for passage into the pleasingly warm waters. Bowser actually enjoys "dying."

I can't answer that question -- this is a family column.

To make Linux users feel "left out." And to call up the start button, for people too lazy to move the mouse to the start button.

Steroid usage. He was told it would build bulk and reduce sneezing. Your party straightens the poor abuser out.

She doesn't. She's just standing really, really still, and the wall happened to stop right at that point (loose gear -- shoddy imperial workmanship). The whole party is so shaken by the ordeal that they don't notice the twins are really just standing there, trying hard not to giggle. After the party leaves the room, the two replace themselves with carefuly molded stone decoys and go chill. Porom works on her studies and magic skill. Palom hangs out in the "Pass Room" for days on end.

It's subsidized by the Baronian government and receives 10,000 GP per month. Damn welfare state.

They're hooked up to the Worldwide Merchant Economic Network and can borrow whatever they need. Most shopkeepers look the same from town to town -- that's cause they're all brothers, and they help each other out.

They're not resale shops; they wouldn't sell anything used, especially by a swarthy, sweaty individual such as yourself.

In Japan, Dragon Quest coined a new word, "hoimi" (meaning "heal"). The U.S. localizers were hoping to do the same. Unfortunately, Operation Firebal was a flop.

Yours are built Ford tough.

He went back to the Returners, found that no one cared about rebelling any more now that you all were on the case, and opened an Italian Gelato stand on the streets of Vector in relative obscurity.

When you run away, it's like the battle never happened. So forget it. Okay? Forget it! IT NEVER HAPPENED.

He phase-shifted his physical form.

"Inn" is a Japanese word for "Advanced Medical Facility Utilizing Alien Technology." Those "beds" are really state-of-the-art regeneration chambers. Unfortunately, your galavanting around the world is driving the aliens away. That's why the price keeps on increasing.

Your castle is so damn interesting, you can't help but stop and admire the scenery, the view, the stonework, the carpets, as you travel its halls. Sure, sometimes it takes a week to arrive at the dining hall, but that's the price of beauty.

Siege is the big burly guy who sits in front of the door. No one gets past Siege.

If they stay in the back, they eventually start shurikening their teammates out of sheer boredom. It's all downhill from there.

After a few years and cold winters on a strange planet, the Golgafrinchans were mostly ape-descended, too.

Cause it's too damn cool to fit in three.

Was he ever? Is anyone at the GIA? That's what makes us so much fun!