Kain, Kain, the Killing Machine

[04.01.00] » by Chad Harger


He was my best friend. We laughed to together, cried together, we even shared the love for the same woman. . .and I killed him. In retrospect I hated him with a passion. Sure I helped to defeat a bad-ass who was trying to take over the world, yet that had nothing to do with it. I helped to defeat Zeromus because he screwed with my mind!

Cecil, Cecil, Cecil. . .stupid little fool! Do you honestly think it matters to one who owns the sky what you are? It matter not that you were either Paladin or Dark Knight. To a Dragoon, those mean nothing! I will never forget the shocked look on his face when I came crashing down on his body. It was Fabul all over again. Except this time Cecil was not saved by a little snot nosed Caller.

I remember during a training mission against some Imps. We were trapped in a thirty story building when my teacher took a coin and dropped it out the window. About a minute later the Imps were running around like chickens with there heads cut off. After the battle, my teacher showed me what had happened. An insignificant coin dropped from such a height would reach such a speed it would cut through even a steel helmet. The coin landed in the middle of the Imp Commander's head. I weigh two-hundred and twenty pounds with armor. The maximum I can reach on a jump is seventy feet. There was not much left of good ol' Cecil to bury.

Of course the others were not happy about it. Cid, what a joke he was. Him and his stupid airships! I laugh just thinking about it. Watching him and the Red Wings take off to hunt me down. To bad someone left explosions in certain areas of the airships. On that day it was raining airships, Red Wings, and Cid. Now I wonder who could have left all of that destructive power on the airships? Oops my fault!

Of course those twin twits tried to stop me also. Huh! I possess armor made by the Lunarians! What good is their paltry magic? Hells bells, if I was the one trying to climb Mt. Ordeals with those little brats, I would have dropped them off a cliff. "Oh Elder of Mysdia the poor, poor children met with a little accident." Of course the little 'accident' that claimed their lives was me 'accidently' impaling them with my spear. Hrm. . .maybe I should change my name from Kain the Dragoon to Kain the Impaler? Naw to cliche.

Edge the Ninja should have been Idiot the Jackass in my book. All talk and no action. I did learn a few things while under Golbez's control, like a thing called magnetism. It is funny how one minute you are carry enough weapons for half of platoon, or in Idiot's case, a ninja, and the next minute all of your metal based weapons fly away from your person and then you have more holes and metal sticking out of you then an airship. Idiot the Swiss Cheesed Ninja did not even know hit him. Of course I do. He was hit by all the weapons he carried when I reversed the polarity of my little machine.

Edward I killed in two seconds. New personal record for me. 'Nuff said.

It is funny how history repeats itself. It is also funny how Rydia died, just like her old woman. That is right, she was dumb enough to call a Mist Dragon instead of I dunno, something that might have actually stopped me. Like Bahamut! They really did not teach her much about common sense in the underworld did they? Of course her dying words made me laugh. "At least I won't be bothered by Edge anymore," she muttered as she laid on the ground dying. I laughed and said, "Don't bet on it sweetheart! Why I'll bet he is waiting for you right now!" That shocked expression on her face was priceless!

I have this theory that bald people end up frying their brains from being out in the sun to much. In Ying-Yang's case, too many blows from the head from his psycho wife plus the exposure to sun must have killed of a few brain cells. He thought he could use that stupid Charm Claw of his to bring me under control. Wrongo Yango! I had anticipated that and wore a headband. Between still being under Golbez's control while hunting for the Dark Crystals and fooling Ying-Yang, I should have been an actor. Of course Ying-Yang's widow's reaction was funny. "Too many blow to the head. . .it figures," she said.

So now I rule the world and Rosa is my queen. Yet she is boring in a way. Maybe it is because she is scared witless of me. Even when rolling in the hay she has about as much enthusiasm as an innocent person on their way to the gallows. I suppose I really don't love as I thought. Kind of dumb of me realize that now after I killed all of my *cough* friends *cough* off. Oops again! My bad!

Oh well, I am researching how to get Valvias, Valvoline, aw, hell! Well how ever you pronounce the Empress of Wind's name! Damn! The things she could with her wind just gets me well. . .you know. . .just thinking about it! If you don't know then ask your parents!

The End (Thank God!)

Afterwards: This was done in about twenty minutes. Those of you who have read some of my other works are most likely wonder, 'Has he gone mental? This has to be the most disturbing thing I have ever read!' No I am not mental and I always do things for a reason. In this twisted little tale I have only two little words to say: |"APRIL FOOLS! :P"|(Highlight area between bars)

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