aN oDE tO mYSELF: kICK mE oUT oF tHE bAND (April 1999)

I sucketh I sucketh
on the scale most grand
why don't they just kick me out of the band?

I'm selfish say some
"immature" quotes a "friend"
"you are a box" is my roommate's means to an end

I interrupt all the time
I've been told that I whine
I dress like grade school
never been called "cool"

I'm too tall, with big feet and I've been fat for years
I'm way oversensitive and cry too many tears
my clothes never fit right, my hips are too wide
guys run away, I laugh at the word "bride"
my eyes are boring, my hair isn't real
makeup has never added to my appeal

I use words like "phat" and "neat"
and sleep with Big Bird at my feet

on to my music, notes upon notes
I failed at voice, by many a vote
I suck at piano and miss the keys
the sound of me playing is miseries
my oboe playing sounds like a duck
my teaching skills have been run through the muck

my career in music is simply a mistake
my job at the lab is nothing but cake

my ability to write pales more each day
I clack at the keyboard with nothing to say
I run two websites, amateur at best
my poems are cheesy, I know I'm a pest

I try too hard at whatever I do
just because I want to hear "I love you"

I work for a game site, I got in on a fluke
I'm just waiting for the day they'll rebuke
can't be witty or silly or rude
my attempts at humour are by best crude
My HTML skills don't really exist
"just go to sleep" they now insist
Most times I just sit and watch the screen scroll

now don't close this message, I'm quite on a roll!

I know a little about a lot,
never drank or smoked pot,
My dreams are X rated
I've never really dated,
I'm always broke
addicted to Diet Coke

I'm pathetic, lonely, useless from the start
I'm sarcastic, stubborn, bitter at heart

The only place that makes me glad
is DisneyWorld, I forget I'm bad
I forget that I'm all of these terrible things
I forget that my song is tuenless when i sing
I forget that I'm ugly in a land of play
I forget that I'm untalented in every way

but I can't live in a fantasyland
so now why don't you just kick me out of the band
you've heard the truth, ask a friends
99% of them just pretend!!

now's your chance to add a verse
I promise it won't make me feel any worse

Life with a smile
Humour all the while
I suck, oh well, oh yay,
and now I'll be on my merry way.

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