Tales of rage and destruction - October 8th, 1999 - Drew Cosner
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. If you have a problem with that, I'll throw you against the wall like a cartridge. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Every gamer has felt it; that feeling of bitterness and resentment when a game continually looks up our number and makes us feel like its doting bitch. Some people can remain calm, gather themselves, and switch off the system until the feelings subside. Others will curse up a storm, bellowing inches from the screen of the television set. Both of these are understandable and desirable reactions. Well, moreso the former than the latter, but even swearing can't compare to the stories you are about to read today.
Everybody's guilty of it to some degree. We've all destroyed a game, a controller, something in a moment of blind gamer rage. You are not alone. However, most people learn their lesson when they have to purchase a replacement or explain to their parents why the game they were recently given as a gift is now embedded into the wall. Even I have my own story.
See, I could never beat Sonic the Hedgehog II. Ever. No matter what I did. I'd stockpile lives, I'd store up continues, I even managed to get all but one of the Chaos Emeralds on one run through. But that damned Robotnik and his creations were just too much for me in the final stage. The few times I did manage to best Metal Sonic, Robotnik's final form laid the smack down upon me with no hesitation. The fact that I'd wasted most of my lives on Metal Sonic didn't help any. Well, finally I could take it no longer. In my bare feet, I walked outside and into the street, laid the cartridge upon the ground, and stomped on it with all of my might.
That was easily the most idiotic thing I'd ever done up until that point. Although I felt vindicated for a split-second, I suddenly noticed a stinging pain in my heel. When I looked down, a piece of the cart had splintered off, and sliced a huge section of my heel almost completely off. I was bleeding all over the place. And not only that, for the next few weeks as I healed, I had to explain to people why I was limping about like some kind of amputee. Talk about adding insult ot injury.
Don't allow this to happen to you. Or any of the other examples laid forth in today's column, for that matter.
| A small suggestion |
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This is not my greatest display of anger towards a videogame, in fact it's
more towards my Playstation than anything else, but hey I do believe it's
the best story so here goes....
I purchased my Playstation on the day it was released so I ended up with one
of the nice overheating ones, anyway I hadn't had any problems with it until
one day when I was playing Final Fantasy VII. I had just went through quite
a long series of battles and was watching an FMV sequence when the FMV
froze. I wasn't very happy because I hadn't saved recently, but I was
patient at first and decided to wait and see if it would run again. I went
into the kitchen, got myself a drink and returned to find that the FMV was
still stuck and was now accompanied by a very annoying whine. Then I got
pissed.
I chucked my controller at the system, missing it and hitting a wall. The
controller bounced off of the wall and came back past the Playstation. The
controller jerked on the Playstaton causing it to fall off of the VCR it was
resting on. The PS was still hanging on by it's A/V cords so I started to
get up from my chair to go put it back up. As I was getting up it started
to pull more on the VCR which in turn began to fall. I swore loudly and
started to move quickly to my VCR and PS as my 32 inch TV started to lean
over off of the TV stand. I braced the TV with my shoulder, caught the VCR
on my foot and the PS fell to the floor as my FFVII disc fell out and got
scratched.
Well, my TV and VCR were fine but now my PS has to be upside down to work at
all, yet I refuse to buy a new one until the old one stops working
completely. The controller was fine aside from a minor repair I had to
perform on it. It wasn't the first nor the last time I tossed a controller
so I guess I didn't really learn much.
On a side note, I was playing Virtua Fighter 2 in the arcade against a
friend and he tripped me just so he could win the match, we ended up
fighting most of the second match until one of the employees began to stand
near us.
-Matthew W Bright, One who has destroyed many NES controllers in his lifetime
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I'd say that this tale of destruction is a good way to kick off a column filled with such stories. It's amazing the chain of events that hurling a controller can bring about. Tripping over the cord once sent my Super Nintendo halfway across the room, airborne. Although I certainly wouldn't recommend the hurling of your controllers, I would suggest that when attempting to take out your aggressions on the tool of input which has seemingly failed you, that you first unplug it. Paying twenty dollars for a new controller may not be the best way to apply your hard-earned cash, but it beats having to find a new Playstation when the cord yanks it off of the stand to the floor, where the force causes the many components to make their escape.
In fact, ruining controllers in such a manner is rather illogical. It's strange the way our rage will cause us to completely destroy a perfectly good controller simply because we suck. Unless the game happens to be Mario Kart 64, in which case it's perfectly allowable to blame the game itself. Accusations such as "that game cheats" or "the computer is like a god in this game" may be the words of a poor sport in most cases, but when it comes to Mario Kart 64, they're both accepted and understood as truth.
Anyway, getting back to the point, spiking your controller is just a great way to waste your cash. I suggest that you purchase several vases at a garage sale for ten cents apiece, and keep a stock of them in your closet. Next time you get whomped in some game, and that familiar feeling of anger begins to build up, set that controller down, walk over to the closet, grab a vase, and hurl it out of your window and into the street. Then, not only will you have gotten out your aggresions, but your problem will develop into someone else's problem when they run the glass shards over with their car.
And just so that I don't get into trouble, here's my usual disclaimer: don't throw vases into the street. Somebody will put two and two together, knock on your door, and sink their fist into your face.
| Damn you, M. Bison |
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Most violent I ever became from a video game?
Street Fighter 2 for my lil' ol' super nes.
No one was home, and I was supposed to be studying for an Italian Regents
(think end of the year final, but they're only registered in New york.. and
california i think).
But anyway, here i was playing Street Fighter. I was trying to beat the game
with all the characters. So here I am with Guile. I'm fighting against
Bison. I must have lost about 400 times. So I finally get pissed, scream in
some raging horror, and kick the wall. (i'm laying on the bed at the time)
Needless to say, I didn't kick a support rod, and my foot went right through
the damn wall.
So my parents get home, and i did my best to hide it with a pillow, but they
somehow saw it.
Ahh well, i told them I was studying and tapping my foot againt the wall and
it went through at a weak spot.
They believed it.
-Zero
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It seems that the walls are second only to controllers when it comes to being victims of senseless aggression. Although your story in itself is humorous, you should try talking to some of the people who did find a support beam, especially if they opted to use their fist. Personal injury due to your own lack of self-control is always difficult to explain.
Especially the stories people concoct to avoid telling the truth. The "I don't know, it just happened" tends to be the most popular of the made-up bunch.
"Okay son, why are three of your knuckles completely shattered?"
"I don't know, doc, I was just sitting there doing my homework, when all of a sudden I heard a loud crack!"
| One fell swoop |
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Hummm... lessee, my worst display of anger at a videogame...
I guess that my complete and utter frustration at "The 7th Saga" tops the
list of thrown controllers, screamed obscenities, and games ripped out of the
console and thrown across the room.
Let me set this up for you-- I had been playing through the game as Lux, and
got to the scene where one of the apprentices had taken a rune and pretty
much conquered a town (it was the third rune, damned if I remember the name
of it). In this particular run-through, it was that priest who had turned
evil. After all of my work going through the dungeon to get to this guy (and
we remember just how hard it was for ANYTHING to touch those damn spider
thingys), he manages to destroy me with just one Ice spell.
OK, I was
frustrated, but it was nothing I couldn't handle without leveling up, right?
Wrong. As soon as I got strong enough to beat the priest, the little bastard
got WAY the hell stronger, and again I was being beaten by a single Ice spell.
At this point, I had had enough of the game. I ripped it out of the console
and threw it across the room. Then I stomped on it. Then I picked it up and
snapped the little fucker in half. Bare handed, just snapped it in half.
I can safely say that that was the first time I had actually seen the inside
of a cartridge for myself... and I calmed down quite a bit after that, so it
wasn't a TOTAL loss...
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I often wonder what goes through the heads of the game developers who decide that a single attack should be capable of annihilating your character. I think that they honestly believe that someone will sit back with a smile on their face and say, "Oh, hey that was kind of cool. I guess I just need to try harder next time." Now, had that cartridge been, say Final Fantasy III, I would have to chastise you for decimating a perfectly good game. But since the game is 7th Saga, I think that the world owes you its thanks for reducing the number of those accursed games in existence. Here's a Sexalicious Award for you, sir. May you wear it with pride and false dignity.
Remember, The Sexalicious Award is not to be taken internally. The Sexalicious Award is not a flotation device. Do not use the Sexalicious Award around fires, as it is highly flammable. Do not tape the Sexalicious Award to the sharp end of a steak knife and repeatedly stab yourself in the chest area with it.
| Warning: reading this letter may make you recoil and/or cringe in disgust |
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Dear Mr. Cosner,
This incident doesn't concern my personal reaction of rage aimed towards a videogame, but it was an interesting one I witnessed. I'm not sure how old I was, but I'm 18 now and this happened right when Star Fox came out for the Super Nintendo. My best friends, a pair of brothers named Justin and Jordan, had invited me over to see the game, seeing as I had a mother who didn't find merit in the "optical illusion" that the rest of us call a television (you don't want to know how hard it was for me to get this computer...). In any case, Justin had beaten the game right as I had arrived, after shooting some overweight polygon monkey thing in the mouth for quite some. Jordan was a bit peeved, for it was technically his game since it was a present from him mother for his birthday. As kids will do, they argued, and while they turned to fisticuffs (thank you Dr. Odine for expanding my limited vocabulary) I had the opportunity to play for a bit. I didn't think much of it.
When we were at the swimming pool in the local park a few hours later, Justin was bragging that he has beaten Star Fox to some of the other barrio boys. His claims were met with skepticism, for it was only the first day he had played it, and another of the boys was having trouble on the second level. So, of course, he turned to Jordan to back his claim, as I was changing in the bathroom. When I came out, I was just in time to see Justin push Jordan hard. Jordan slipped on the slick cement, and banged his head onto the side of the swimming pool. There was a lot of blood. Apparently, Jordan had gotten his revenge on Justin by denying his brother's claim.
They pair moved to Hawaii a few years ago, and we lost contact. If I saw Jordan today he wouldn't recognize me anyway... his occipital lobe (I think that's what it was, not sure on spelling?) had been damaged in the fall, and he couldn't recognize people from their faces anymore, he had discern it in other ways.
This isn't exactly a cheery letter, as most of the other ones must be. No sarcasm, no irony, just lots of bitterness. But it remains a profound event in my life, and it's interesting not only in that a brother turned on a brother so harmfully (even if accidentally), but that a simple thing like being a member of the elite Star Fox game completion team could be the cause.
-Wolf of the Steppes
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This is a perfect example of why gaming rage should be kept as low key as possible. Count to ten. Think unsexy thoughts. Do whatever it takes to calm down, because acts of exacerbation can only become a greater problem. Certainly, I can understand being angry at one who would deny my victory, but look at the repercussions to this young fellow's actions.
Jeez, that was a rather sobering moment. After I've worked so hard to make this column completely meaningless and trite, I had to go and slip that in. Wait a second, this entire column is kind of like a big moral lesson to be learned. Crap. It's all gone to hell now.
| Unbeatable |
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Hey Pimp,
Looking back, I really can't choose one game that frustrated me the
most. Four games left me equally frustrated, caused a need for new
controllers, and left dents in the heads of innocent passer-bys.
1 -- UmJammer Lammy
Okay, this game was alright until I hit the level of Hell*cough*,
'scuse me, the Island of Idols(Am I the only one that found it almost
hypocritical to say that having hell is bad, but an island of demon
"Idols" is acceptable??). Man, that was just plain cruel no matter how
you look at it. That was the first time I threw a controller in quite
some time.
2 -- Captain America and the AVENGERS
Step back a day to 16 bit, and I recover painfull memories of "Captain
America and the AVENGERS!" for the SNES. That game was so cruel. It's
easy to get going, but the later levels just get to be sooo hard, and
you have one set of lives for the game, not per level, so by time you
get there, you're screwed. It was more frustration than hate though, in
an "All that work down the drain" thing. I put that cart it the digital
hospital for about a month.
3 -- Transforms
Stepping a bit further back, we reach the NES, and a little game for it
called "Transformers". That, ladies and gents, is an example of cruelty.
It was so difficult that It was more funny than annoying at first. One
hit kills you, 3 lives, and no continues. Oh, and shots being fired all
around while you tried to handle your gear with the worlds worst
controls.I don't think I ever got more than 1 minute into this game
without losing. I kept trying out of frustration and ignorance, and the
nes whooped my butt every time.
4 -- Solomons Key
Nightmares. Bad. Evil. If you've played the game, you know. And
god..that MUSIC..and those awful...AWFUL sounds. I think I'll go break
down crying now.
-Living in fear of Solomon, Jeremy S.
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You've got to love those old NES games that were made to be impossibly difficult so that nobody could conceivably finish them. They didn't have to bother making an ending, or more than three levels for that matter. After all, nobody would ever make it past the third stage, and everyone would simply assume that there was more to the game that they just lacked the skills to make their way to. It was the perfect scheme. Well, that and the never-ending game scheme, which, while present on the NES in the forms of such games as Duck Hunt, was more prominent on the Atari 2600.
Just as an additional example, have you ever played Silver Surfer for the NES? Beat that game without a Game Genie. Go on. I dare you to. If you want to get some unknowing child out of your hair, sit them down with Silver Surfer, and tell them that they can't come back upstairs until they've completed it. It's been nice knowing them.
| Fear all those who own Goldeneye |
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Hey DA,
Boy, does this topic hit the spot for me. I know one person who is the master of disaster when it comes to video game rage. And it's all because of a fun little game called 'Goldeneye'.
Every so often during high school, a bunch of friends would gather at his house for maybe 10 games of Goldeneye, some with teams, some FFA, some with grenade launchers in the temple, and so on. My edgy friend, being the sole owner of the game, had a huge ego when it came to his mastery of said game, and every time he lost a close game he would be driven to some ridiculous act. To be fair, he was better than the rest of us, but you have to lose some time. Anyway, here are some of the more humorous occasions:
1) He threw his controller into the wall several times. After that, the Goldeneye cartridge soon followed, leaving several dents. The cartridge still works, by the way.
2) He tossed his controller into his pool. Needless to say, the controller was useless after that.
3) This is by far the worst (or the best) of them all. After losing a game (specifically, losing an FFA pistols game to me) he spiked his controller until the plastic shattered, took out the analog piece, and gave it to me as a souvenier of what he was about to do. He then took his whole system and tossed it maybe 10 feet into the air outside his house, after which it landed squarely on the road, causing a car to stop. He then ran out and recovered the now useless scrap of plastic and circuitry so that the car could continue.
He then bought a new N64 so we could play even more Goldeneye.
He has bought 2 PSXs, 2 N64s, and maybe 10 controllers total because of 'damage through use', if you will. =)
- Leviathan
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I would be afraid to player multiplayer games with this chap. I'd be concerned that he'd ram a controller prong into my eye socket or something of that nature, judging by his predisposition for mindless lashing out. I guess if he has enough cash on hand to be spending his money in such a wasteful manner, all the more power to him. Broke people such as myself can't act like this; we have to hurl ten cent vases into the street, or other similar actions.
But I should mention that Goldeneye has to be the most trash-talk, fight-inducing game on the face of the planet. I've seen fist fights break out over the liberal use of certain weapons which were deemed to be "unfair." And don't even bother trying to beat the owner of the game, at least not if you don't want to see pouting unlike any you have ever seen before. These people act as though they're Tiger Woods, having just been beaten by a champion putt putter.
| Living the college life |
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Dear Sir--
I don't like to write-in to web sites, but I felt compelled to do so after seeing today's topic.
As anyone who has had to buy their own systems and games would know, videogames are
not cheap. Losing or destroying your games or systems can be a very expensive lesson.
During the height of the NES, mid-1987, I was playing Track & Field II (Konami) with my
younger brothers. The whole afternoon left me with the taste of bronze in my mouth, as my
brothers seemed fleeter of foot (thumb) and quicker of mind (that'll be the day). The tendons
in my forearms were worked to the point of freezing-up, and after about my hundredth attempt
at the triple-jump, my "B" button had recessed from my abusive pounding.
Thank Einstein for discovering the formula Energy=Mass x Velocity x Velocity, because it
explains what happened next. Gripping the cord in hand, the controller arced through the air
like an inverted pendulum, and struck my NES deck with the ost concussive sound I've heard
in close proximity. Now either I was playing an unusually heavy (massive) NES controller or it
was moving through the air at near light-speed, because it practically vaporized. I was left with
half a husk of a gaming machine, a cracked game cartridge and a smattering of controller
particles.
Being without a videogame system in the middle of the hottest and wettest summer in Chicago
is a miserable thing, and having to work in the sweltering heat in order to pay for a new one is no
walk in the park either. Needless to say, I have carefully guarded my temper since.
I lost it again last October, when EVERY GAME AND SYSTEM I EVER OWNED was stolen
at a party my roommates threw. I avoided the gala event (not my crowd), and holed myself up
in my room with my roommates Playstation and a rental game. The next morning, when I noticed
the gaping whole in my entertainment center (in the living room, where the "perps" were), I thought
I was the brunt of a cruel joke. When I realized that my multi-thousand dollar investment really did
just walk outthe door, I put my fist directly through it. The resluting fracture only compounded the
pain of my loss, and the cast subsequently made gaming and life in general unpleasant at best.
The Lesson here, folks, is: Temper, temper, temper...! Despite the monetary and personal value of
a videogame, a game is a replacable commodity. Just don't let the need for videogames replace the
need to "live" a little!
Sorry 'bout the longwinded rant. Take care, Drew!
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Friends, it's time for another bit of counsel. If you're going to live in a dormatory, don't take your electronics with you. Take a Playstation, and just buy a small TV there. Although the idea of your mother watching the Country Music Awards during your absence on the big screen TV you saved up for may not appeal to you, it beats having it hauled off with. And when you live in a dorm, anything that isn't nailed down will eventually be made off with during some party held either by you or a roommate. It just happens.
Okay, so there are certainly exceptions to this rule. But do you really want to lose all of the crap which you worked so hard to afford? Huh? How close to the edge of the precicpice do you want to walk to see whether or not you'll fall off? Fine, don't listen to me. It's not like you ever do, anyhow. This relationship is over.
| Damn that card game. (Final Fantasy VIII Spoilers, obviously. Don't be stupid.) |
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Hey homeboy Drew,
The worst display of anger I ever exhibited was when I was playing FF8. I was
playing cards against Ellone and Piet on the space station in hopes of
getting my hands on the Alexander and Laguna cards, when I noticed the rules.
"OK that's cool," I though,"I can handle this" After losing 2 of my player
cards I reset. "That's OK, It's all good." After repeating this at least 50
times, I finally was beating Ellone at a card game, 7-3. "I've got that
Laguna Card now, you bitch." One space left when Ellone puts down a Grendel.
Same, plus, combo, combo. She won 9-1. "Bitch-Assed MOFO!!!!!", I shouted, as
I took my controller in my hands, and pulled the cord out of it. No, I didn't
pull the cord out of the Playstation, I pulled it out of the controller. The
poor controller would not work, so I had to take it apart with a screw driver
and reinstall the cord manually, with that stupid red alert siren blaring in
the background. I can hear it to this day mocking me.
-TGCid
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The combination of Plus, Same, Random, Combo, and the lack of Open has been known to lead to high blood pressure and a bitterness towards humanity more commonly associated with the elderly and letters columnists. You can always save before confronting someone who uses such a set of rules while playing Final Fantasy VIII, but that becomes a real pain in the ass. Especially since the "Open" rule obviously applies to you alone, and not to whomever you're playing against.
| There is but one voice in my head, and it is that of Harry Carey |
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I want to hurt you.
-Hall of Fame announcer, Harry Carey.
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You know what, Harry, I am really tired of you haunting myself. All that I did was joke about your speech patterns with a few close friends on the eve of your passing, and now you seem to feel you have been given the right to constantly whirl about my head and stammer out messages of doom and misfortune. And, of course, nobody will believe me. I tell somebody that Harry Carey is talking to me again, and they look at me as though I've just told them that I'm from another planet.
And it doesn't stip there, oh no. All throughout the duration of baseball season, you feel the need to give me a play-by-play commentary of the Cubs' games as they're ensuing, no matter where I may happen to be at the time. Imagine trying to concentrate on a test as somebody mumbles the current situation of a Cubs game into your ear.
Rest assured, Mister Carey, that the feeling is mutual. However, your strange letter seems like the perfect way to cap off an entire column that shoved its morals in the faces of its readers in as discreet a manner as a TLC video. At least you're good for something.
Closing Comments
Okay, Andrew's in next, so take good care of him. Shower him with your lovin' letters. Although I detest the squeals of delight he utters upon finding a few messages from you readers awaiting him, I am glad to put a little joy into someone's life. Help me help him, people. Click the link. Don't me so obstinant, you slimey little weasles.
-Drew Cosner
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