Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Six days ago, I was a man. Now, I am simply The Toad. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So here's the deal.

My name is Allan Milligan. I used to work at GIA on a regular basis. I founded the column you are reading right now, and maintained it for nine months or so, before pressures of work and school forced me to resign. I do, however, keep in touch with my old buddies at the GIA, and when Andrew Kaufmann came whin- er, pleading for help with Double Agent tonight, I just couldn't resist throwing my hat back into the ring. Or, to put things more succinctly:

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Just for today, though. Don't worry, Drew will be back with you shortly, and all will be well. I'm just doing the temp bit. In the meantime, I've a full mailbag to attend to, so let's get it ON!

Okay, a bunch of people wrote to AK about this, so let's go over it in public: yes, we are aware that we had some Playboy ads show up at GIA. We're not quite sure how this happened, since we explicitly informed our banner provider that we should NOT be sent ads of that nature, but there we go. They will be stopped as soon as possible, since we feel they don't represent the sort of atmosphere we want to promote here at GIA.

If you were offended to see such ads, we apologize, and they're on their way out.

If you were pleased to see them, click through and bookmark on the other side.

All clear? Good.

Ah-HA! The way has been cleared, and our route to glory is littered with the bodies of those who stood in the way of progress. Or something. Thanks for the tip, SuperFly.

Hey, Drew's not a bimbo. He happens to be working at the exotic dance facility every weeknight except Thursday for two sets from 1-3 AM, performing dances with many themes and intents, including a nun's habit and one where he wears nothing but a ten-gallon hat and leather chaps.

But all of this is for a good cause. By doing this every night, he doesn't just release his pent-up sexual frustration and libido in the sensual gyrations of the dance. No, he's using that money to pay his way through community college. Our Drew has high hopes of someday becoming an assistant accountant, a librarian, or even, god forbid, a director of sewage control in sunny Iceland. He has dreams, damn your eyes. Dreams that you can't ever understand, and that no bimbo could ever envision, much less achieve. Drew Cosner is more than just T&A. He's a man's man and a gorgeous woman, to boot.

And yes, Yoshi's Story did suck, and Yoshi's Island ruled.

I've never believed that good graphics and good story or gamplay were mutually exclusive ideas. While I won't cut Harvest Moon 64 as being lousy for having subpar graphics, since I haven't played it yet, neither do I take that as a sign of what I should expect. On one hand, sure, maybe the time and effort spent on graphics were instead on the gameplay. Alternately, maybe the graphics' slapdash quality is just an indicator that the game was rushed and lousy, and thus the whole game will suck as much as the visuals do. I think HM64's graphics speak only for the quality of the graphics in the game. Any further speculation about effort and storage accollation should be held off until we play the game. Fair?

People with small hands will hate the Dreamcast controller. It's a hefty bugger, probably the biggest console controller since the Jaguar, and it takes some getting used to, I find. I, for one, don't think it's a bad design. A little odd, and not as smooth a fit as some controllers, but not bad at all.

1) is vastly more important than 2). And, to an extent, the latter is dependent on the former. A game with a lower price, all other things being equal, is probably going to sell more than its higher-priced cousin. If it's possible, it's a sound business practice to sell in greater volume for slightly less profit. So, to some extent, the company that can hit the lower price levels will be a more attractive spot for third party developers, especially smaller developers who need as much of the game profit going into their pocket as possible.

By the same token, you can never understate the importance and power of Nintendo's brand name. People will pay a lot for a Nintendo product, and that's why they can get away with that huge chunk of royalties they charge. People trust Nintendo, even now. To a generation, they ARE video games. And as the sales of individual N64 games illustrates, the trust they have built, and arguably upheld, is worth that 20%. It's worth it to be associated with a winner.

Well... ah... wow. An honest-to-goodness Virtual Boy fan. And here I thought they were just a myth, like the Loch Ness Monster or John Tesh's career. Huh.

Okay, let's set something up for Drew's col tomorrow: what is the most disastrously-selling game, system, or accessory you ever bought, and loved unconditionally, in spite of the general hatred the gaming public feels for it?

For those that aren't aware, Star Blazes is a dubbed version of a classic Japanese anime series called Space Cruiser Yamato. Ten to one says that the Eternal Arcadia ship is in homage to the series, and is probably jokingly named the Yamato (which was a real warship during World War II), but it's not really the same ship. The cost of the rights to that design would cost a fortune...

On one hand, an interesting idea of how Nintendo can clean house by playing their sure bt card, the cornering of the all-ages market. Which segues nicely into the next letter...

So IS Nintendo shooting for the kids market at all, or are they simply producing all-ages fare that everyone can love and enjoy? Are they learning from their mistakes, or simply repeating past ones? Are Nintendo's first and second party games universally excellent titles that appeal to all video game players?

In order, no, that remains to be seen, and it depends on your tastes. Nintendo is certainly concerned with the kids market. The ages four to twelve age bracket is their bread and butter, and they've explicitly and gleefully promoted towards them for over a decade now. That is an important segment of the market, the cornerstone of their user base, and you're damned right they pay attention to it.

We've seen some information and statistics for the Dolphin, but to say that Nintendo will win back all its old audience and developers is a dubious proposal at this stage. We don't know what their target market is, how it'll be marketed, how they're treating and courting third party developers, or any of the other factors that define how a video game system fares. We need to wait and see here. We've got no reason to believe that Square will walk away from the fine treatment Sony's been giving them. And Enix develops for the market leader, no ifs ands or buts. Who that'll be, and whether Nintendo can woo back its depleted support base really remains to be seen. There are no sure things.

Lastly, games are forms of entertainment, and are thus very subjective things. I don't think Nintendo is the only company to consistently develop quality games. On point of fact, I've only really liked four titles they've put out in the past three years. There are no absolutes in gaming, and never will be.

And there we go.

Cactuar would take an early advantage, but everyone underestimates the power of Tonberry. He's a Master for a reason, you know. He'd quickly turn the tables on his hapless opponent, tearing into Cactuar's midsection with a crushing Eagle Claw Fist he learned in the misty mountains of Tibet, then following with a powerful uppercut right beneath the rib cage, crushing the back and chest of Cactuar. By the time the blood splatters on the blazing sand underneath their feet, Master Tonberry will be standing triumphant, once and for all.

Closing Comments

Well, this was a fun little jaunt, now wasn't it? It felt pretty good to be back in the saddle again, though I note that I'm polishing this up at about 2 AM, my time, so if it's a bit on the incoherent side, please forgive me. It's been a rough day, but not so rough that I can't help out an AK in need. Fare thee well, kiddies, and I'll be back again someday. Maybe soon.

Oh, and any GIA readers who live in the Halifax area should feel free to contact me, so we can facilitate your bringing fabulous gifts to me on a weekly basis. Like, say, buying me FF8. Hint. Hint. Take the hint already.

- Allan Milligan