The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't say I didn't warn you. :)

I figure since Allan likes to sensually stroke your self-proclaimed intelligent side with the latest news, I should try to do the same thing. Why should I let him have all the fun? I always let him win at our games of Go Fish, so I figure that gives me the right to rip off one of his personal writing techniques. It's only logical. So, I drove on down to the local library, and stole a copy of "Teach Yourself How to Read in 21 Days" to put an end to my illiteracy. I would've checked it out at, but I still owe about 50 bucks for overdue picture books and crappy 80's CDs.

Unfortunately, all I could find was bad news. I know you were all looking forward to the latest dirt on bombings in foreign countries, but I have other news that has to be discussed. Mel Torme has died at the age of 73. Good old "Velvet Fog" died of complications that resulted from a mild stroke he suffered in 1996. His death has both shocked and saddened every member of the musical community, as well as his fans who are still alive. Upon hearing the news, distraught musician Brian Setzer blurted, "Shit. Does this mean I can't rip off all his songs anymore?" Representatives of Pepsico, Inc. are currently in negotiations with the late singer's agents for the rights to create a claymation Brisk Ice Tea commercial featuring Torme dancing with a vacuum cleaner. Of course, newspapers the world over have honored Torme the best way they know how: by putting a half-column story on his passing buried in the "Arts and Humanities" section next to a Victoria Secret advertisement, along with a somberly captioned photograph of him with his eyes half open that they scanned from his driver's license. Gotta love how we honor celebrities when they pass away.

In news that's actually somewhat related to the column, I'm holding off on updating the Nickname Creator this weekend until I find a better way to code that thing. It takes me like an hour just to update it right now. But that's not all, oh no. Our super-covert contact has managed to get a hold of another top secret screenshot from the upcoming FFIX. Not only will you be awe-inspired by the incredible detail and quality of this render, but it also sheds some light onto just what Square meant when they spoke of "getting back to the basics" with the series. Take a look.

According to our source, you play the role of an idealistic young sperm who is out to avenge the destruction of his village home in the left testicle. Along the way he joins with a motley band of fellow sperm, each with their own scores to settle, eventually facing off with the final boss who goes by the name of "Impotus".

You betcha. I'll even be nice enough to give you the URL: http://www.quest-kk.com.

A regular old PC with Windows 95. Yes, that's right, I use a Microsoft product! I'm part of the machine!

2. If you use Macs, do you have the Connectix Virtual Gamestation?And if you do, do you know if Lunar works with it? Due to frequentPlaystation breakdowns, I hardly buy any games unless they work withCVGS. -Moogle Master

Even though I don't use a Mac, I'll still field this question. As I recall, Allan has been playing Lunar on his Mac using Virtual Gamestation since his PSX is broken, and he hasn't complained of any glitches or errors so far.

Yes, there's actually much more to Dollet than you see in the demo during the raid of the city.

After reading several emails telling Pokemon to go to Hell, it's always enjoyable to find one of these babies smiling back at me from my mailbox. Whenever I start to lose a little faith in humanity, whenever I start to feel as though the general public just doesn't realize and appreciate the simple truths of the world around them, someone sends me an observation so astute, so accurate, that it brings a smile of joy and pride to my face. Yes, yes there is much fatness in the world! Declare it to all, declare it upon high! Your message must be heard! ALL CAPS IS A GOOD PLACE TO START!

And now, let the bashing of a phenomenally popular and beloved game franchise begin.

Jeez, better keep you away from the Air Tokyo plane with the giant Pikachu painted on the side. Besides, a Pokemon theme park isn't nearly as bad as the Lego theme parks. Yes, parks. There are actually more than one of the things. Imagine the thrills and excitement of meeting your favorite lego man, or sliding down a lego water slide on a hot day as the interlocking protrusions tear the skin from your ass all the way down. You can even meet an under-qualified, semi-coherent teenager recently released from Detention Hall on probation who is being paid to tell you that he is, in fact, Zach the lego maniac.

Okay, so they probably don't have lego slides, but at least you can mash the real thin legos tightly together and watch the next person to use them try in vain to yank them back apart.

Pokemon can [censored] off!

pik pika pikabitchHow the Hell did pokemon catch on anyways? It gots next to no plot, one playable character if you don't count the pokemon, and even N64 loving graphic whores don't have any pretty pictures to ogle over. The little plot it has is ",go catch and imprison a bunch of little bastards who should be keel hauled like the people who made this piece of shit." This is not in any ways related to ",inteligent," games, but what do you think of the Jackie Chan game? Do you think it'll kick, or will vanish into obscurity like every other licensed game ever created?And what do you think of this statement ",ever since Vietnam, America can't do nuthin' right." -Choco "I have a tatoo of a hammer and sickle an my ass" bert

Okay, I'll get off my lame cocaine theory for a second and be serious about this. For one thing, despite it's simplistic appearance at first glance, Pokemon is one of the deepest and richest gaming experiences in years. It requires more battle strategy than anything I can remember seeing for quite some, and yet doesn't require a degree in rocket science to enjoy. More importantly, the interface is simple and intuitive, so even younger players can pick it up and have some fun with it. It has an enourmous amount of replay value; collecting all those unbearably cute little buggers will take quite some time, and Nintendo keeps releasing more tie-ins such as Pokemon Stadium to keep the public's interest.

However, the biggest reason for its popularity lies in the seemingly simple choice to release multiple versions. Now, rather than just couping yourself up in your room and collecting all the Pokemon on your own, you have to trade with friends to catch 'em all. Pokemon is a social experience, increasing its popularity and and taking a major step towards the mainstreaming of videogames. Even if you hate the game, you have to appreciate that.

As for the merchandising craze, if I could answer that, I wouldn't be in Computer Science. Why did people pay good money for painted rocks? Why do people get in fistfights over bean bag animals that cost about 12 cents to make? Why would anybody in their right mind want to wear pants so freaking big they could 4 of themselves in each pantleg? That's just the way it is.

I meant to leave you a message on your machine, but I completely forgot. It's all my fault!

American Guardian is in close contest with Seanbaby's page as the most viewed website amongst gaming geeks for the purpose of deriving laughs. That site blames practically everything on homosexuality. They're pretty sure that the inevitable burning out of the sun in 5 billion years is the direct result of homosexuality. If I was a devout Christian, I'd have crapped a brick when that site won an award for "Christian site of the Year". Check that, I'd have crapped a freaking cinderblock or two.

Closing Comments

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for; my profound closing comment.

Bye.

- Drew Cosner