Lah dee dah dah DAAAAAAAA!

And lo, it is Lunar Day. Well, sort of. See, those that ordered it direct from WD have it already, or will get it Real Soon Now. Those of us that reserved it at stores will mostly have to wait until next week. AAAAARGH. I didn't preorder from WD themselves, for various sundry reasons that interest only myself and Gilad, my weak-willed housekeeper. Nonetheless, I am actively seeking impressions, bitchings, and blatherings related to this sexy new release, from those who have scored a copy for themselves. Come on. I know you've got something to say about it.

So what else is new? Well, I'm making plans to become a vaguely competent Starsiege: Tribes player in the coming months, so when Tribes 2 is released simultaneously for Mac and PC (in itself, I consider this a sign of the Apocalypse), I will be able to be completely and totally stomped by thousands of fellow players in an amusing way. If you're looking for me in online gaming of any stripe, be it Starcraft, Ultima Online, Unreal, or Tribes, just watch for the poor sod who's saying "SHIT" over and over again while getting his ass kicked. Sigh. Online gaming always reminds me why I like turn-based RPGs and strategy games so much. Namely, I have the hand-eye co-ordination of a 5th century Chinese eunuch whose hands were severed at the wrist for the crime of taking too long dressing the Empress.

In other news, I received an offer of marriage earlier today, with the tempting addendum of "P.S. I don't have any VDs anymore."

Oh, and in a revival of my favourite of letter trends, I was sent an amusing missive today, that I just had to share with you all. It's quite the gem.

This doesn't quite beat out the time I was accused of creating cancer, but it's not bad.

In any event, I just can't deny it any longer. All those people who have written in to me over the past few months, haranguing me for my intense pro-Square bias, and lambasting me for their policy decisions... you were all right. You have the right culprit. I am Squaresoft. Everyone assumed it was just a corporation, but that was just a smokescreen. I am, in fact, the sole proprietor and chief of Square, and all the decisions and development choices that you hate so much were my choice and my choice alone. I thought I could hide here, disguising myself as a lowly letters columnist, yelling and screaming so loud, never being discovered for who and what I truly am.

No more secrets. I am Square. Hear me roar.

Well, since I now stand revealed as Squaresoft, I will just ask the man himself his response to your letter. Nobby?

"Shut your bile-encrusted pie hole, you insignificant little worm. Have you ever heard of artistic expression? Have you ever heard of diversity of style? I write my music to fit the game at hand, not to rehash past glories and theme songs for years on end. Some people actually have the guts to innovate in this business, and if you can't appreciate that, I'm sure Nintendo has plenty of Pokemon colors they can hack out to occupy your simian little minds. Now shut up and send the whore back in."

Nobuo seems a bit bitter. I guess he couldn't catch 'em all.

The prize for that contest was given to my father to mail about three, four weeks ago to the contest winner, Neo/. He gets significant pricing deals from Fed Ex, so I tend to do most of my mailing through him. Silly me. About an hour ago, I learned that he's had that package sitting at his office for weeks now. I am displeased. I am angry. I am furious. I AM GOING TO SLAUGHTER GOATS IN A PARKING LOT! AAAAAAAA!

As for 2D gaming being dead, well, you're probably right, in that it will continue to be an option for developers who want to do something different. Sort of like making a movie in black and white these days.

In the event that my home is mystically transported to Japan, and GIA becomes a web site devoted to the study and discussion of the Japanese gaming industry and culture, I'll freely retract my statement that Square games, especially FF7, are the benchmark for RPG references and comparison in the media. In the mean time, we are, and almost always are, interested in and discussing the North American gaming market, where FF7 *is* top dog, and to answer your question, has been since it sold several hundred thousand copies in the US, substantially more than any RPG to date on this continent, short Pokemon.

Pokemon is, oddly enough, sort of an odd one out in the RPG industry. It's easily the most successful RPG of all time, but is usually treated like a genre unto itself. We don't see references in RPG reviews to "Pokemon-like character interaction" or what have you. It's a benchmark, no question, but seems to have carved out a niche for itself, as opposed to taking over the RPG one.

In any event, for future reference, the Japanese and US gaming markets are dramatically different, and if I don't specify otherwise, it's to be assumed that I'll be discussing the US gaming market on a site dedicated to US gaming. Hence, within the context of the US gaming market, FF7 is a benchmark, and the Dragon Quest name counts for squat. See?

Well, there are three possible scenarios at work here. First of all, they may well be total asswipes with lousy PR, as you say. Second, they may simply be very careful about whom they send review copies to. Simply put, it's all too easy to pretend that you're a Big League gaming site, and demand review copies and press kits, just to scam people. I know of gaming site webmasters whose primary impetus for running their site is simply to get their hands on free games. It's a despicable practice, and makes life hard for those of us that really are trying to be a respectable gaming webzine, but there we go.

Thirdly, and most likely in my view, I think WD has been caught a bit flatfooted in terms of the demand for this game, and the rapid growth of online news sites as a whole. They're a company who's spent much of their time in the industry developing titles for poorly-selling systems, sending off reviews copies to a few print magazines, and that's that. Now, they're developing for the big boy on the block, being hyped very heavily, and receving a lot of attention from online publications. Lunar SSSC is set, by all reports, to be their biggest hit ever. My gut feeling is that they underestimated how many review copies they'd need/want, and as a result, are running into shortage problems on that front.

The high horse

Yo. Hehehe. Forgive me, I'm simply a little bit giddy. This isn't necessarily for (electronic) publication, I just need to speak my mind about Tony Patino's deep thought regarding Collective Mediocrity. He cited John Stuart Mill in explaining the critical successes of Suikoden and Final Fantasy Tactics over their counterparts Persona and Tactics Ogre, which I think to be a total misapplication of that philosopher's theories. Mr. Patino thought both of the latter to be superior games, and expressed his frustration that more 'mainstream' titles were chosen because of their inherent mediocrity. But in so doing, he seems to have lost sight of the obvious facts: Suikoden and FF Tactics were critical and commercial successes on their own merits, rather than due to some wraith-like social phenomenon. It's very easy, when you find yourself in the minority, to claim yourself to be one of the Enlightened. It's easy to say that a certain game is popular simply because the masses, in love with the familiar and the mundane as they are, don't know any better. And heaven knows it's an easy trap to fall into, because everyone would like to think that their opinions are built on solid ground and are fundamentally correct. Personally, I think that both Suikoden and FF Tactics are fantastic games, and surpass their competition in most every category. But I do not blame those who feel differently as being wrong-headed or misguided. I don't dismiss their opinions on the basis of an easy answer like Collective Mediocrity. Each person's opinion is equally valid, and should not be dismissed for any reason. Despite what it may sound like, I don't disagree completely with Mr. Patino's views on Collective Mediocrity and the Despotism of Custom. Hell, I think he (and John Stuart Mill) are bang-on in their analysis of the People At Large; I simply don't think wide-sweeping sociological theories should be trotted out to justify what is, in the end, him saying that these games are better than those games.To do so is as fundamentally silly as quoting the Bible to explain sales of Xenogears, or looking to Proust for an insight into Final Fantasy 8. - Dietrich

I tried consulting the Old Testament about FF8 for an upcoming news story, but all it said was that Squall begat Cloud, who begat Rufus, who begat Bill and Ted. Weird.

I have to concur, though, that the Collective Mediocrity argument, while having a great deal of validity, is generally just used to justify the beliefs of the writer. To date, I've seen twenty letters that start with "Tony Patino was dead-on, Collective Mediocrity explains why wasn't a major success!" Game candidates cited included 7th Saga (HA!), Final Fantasy Mystic Quest, Secret of Evermore, Tales of Destiny, Drakkhen, Crystalis, two more votes for Persona, Pokemon Red, Quest 64, and Legacy of Kain. Really, in the end, 90% of the responses to Tony's Deep Thought formed a "Favourite Underrated RPG" conversation thread with an intellectual sheen to it.

In truth, this whole discussion smacks of elitism. "You're ordinary, you can't recognize the true genius beside you" is a hell of a value judgement to make. Who is Tony to say that he recognizes true gaming greatness? Who am I? I suspect that, if we want to apply Collective Mediocrity to gaming, it will have to be in retrospect. The distance of time has a way of cutting the chaff from the wheat, in all walks and threads of life, and what seems to be the paragon of mainstream, vapid crap today may well end up being the unrecognized trailblazer that hits the history books tomorrow.

I don't think any of us are really qualified to pick out the Mozart from the mire of Salieris.

Considering how much shit I get for being too mainstream each and every day, getting this sort of letter just brings a smile to my face. Nyaaaaah! Mainstream can be fun! And, in the end, that's what matters to me. I don't care if it was hyped or not, I don't care if it received the best or worst reviews ever. I just care whether or not I had fun playing the game.

Sony's being totally non-responsive in regards to the PocketStation. We don't know if it'll see US release. We don't know when it would be. If not, we don't know why. There is simply no information. Nada.

Assuming developers have the same lack of information that the rest of us do, most seem to be running on a better safe than sorry policy. Namely, they will retain PocketStation support, in the event that it is release, but won't make it obligatory for basic gameplay. Thankfully. This does mean, though, that anything accessible only via the PocketS will either be inaccessible, or they'll program in an alternative method for obtaining it within the game itself (this seems likely in FF8's scenario - make a minor subquest, make it a rarely-appearing item you can get from monsters, or whatever).

Of course not. 7th Saga is pretty bad, but my hatred for it has been artificially built up by harping on it so much in this column. It has some positive qualities, and is adequate in many others.

The worst RPG of all time, undisputed by all people who aren't fucking idiots, is King Arthur and His Knights of Justice. Released for SNES by Enix of America, based on a "hit" cartoon show that was cancelled before the game hit the stores, this game sucks in ways I can barely comprehend. It makes the old Atari 2600 A-Team game look good. It makes Deadly Towers look like high art. King Arthur combines crappy, mostly non-animated graphics with sound effects and music that would be embarassingly poor on a Gameboy, a gaping hole where a plot might have been, and a group of characters with the combined appeal of a festering, severed rabbit head. It's unplayable and painful to the touch. I have yet to meet anyone who has anything but the deepest contempt for this game. I'm almost looking forward to Vaulting this game, just because I can tear into it without the slightest concern about being unfair, because it really does deserve any abuse I heap onto it.

You'll find him nailed to the patch of wall right behind your toilet. I took the liberty of slipping some chloroform into his daily feed dish. Once he was unconscious and limp, I pierced each of his fingers and toes with a letter opener, and stapled him to the wall. Once propped in place, he was too weak from blood loss and shock to resist much as I sliced open his belly, removed his lungs, stomach, liver, and bladder, put them in baby food jars, liquefied them in a blender, and then slipped them into the leftover Chinese food you had for lunch today. You always told me, laughing, that you'd stolen that baboon's heart. Well, now you've really got it. Bon appetit.

Closing Comments

I am a fishy fishy

Pretty fishy

ook

ook

It's a damn shame.

- Allan Milligan, surrealistic