Days like this, I hate myself.

I used to be notable for being the Iron Man of the letter column world. Way back when, before GIA was a twinkle in anyone's eye, I updated the letters column at RPGamer every day, without fail, seven days a week. When I started GIA, with a few flubs here and there, I held onto that distinction.

But over the past few months, I have become what I feared most: I've become AK. Andrew Kaufmann is my friend. He's my bud. But, we are not a couple.

Anyhow, homosexual implications aside, AK has a major flaw, that he admits to freely. Namely, he's lazy as hell. His tenures as letters guy have been marked by an onslaught of absenteeism. My goal, once upon a time, was to not let that happen to me. Well, it did. I've screwed up but good here at Double Agent. Is it time to throw in the towel?

No, it's time for me to get my ass in gear. I've got someone covering for me on weekends, for chrissakes. This is not rocket science. I have been a bad agent. I'm used to being a bad person, lots of readers tell me that regularly, but at least I've been consistent up to now. So here is my pledge: there will be five Double Agent updates from me each and every week until August. No whining, no excuses, and I'll blow off an offer of sex with Catherine Zeta-Jones if that's what it takes.

If I fail in my quest, I will do the unthinkable, and release a real photo of myself. THEN I will hold a contest, asking people to mock me. I will publish the results, and give a prize to whomever humilates me most effectively.

Double Agent will be on track again. My remaining sense of self-worth depends on it.

Kelvin isn't gay. Larissa is. Kelvin actually fancies himself quite the ladies' man, hitting on Andrea and Tami on more than one occasion, and trying to brag about his sexual exploits to AK. Alas, his boasts were with little basis in reality. Poor old Kelvin. He tries very hard, and he's very impressive until he pulls off that codpiece, at which point... well, you do the math.

Okay, it's time to recap. Yesterday, as with today, I asked you, the readers, to vote in a Contest of Champions 2 ballot. CoC2 is an upcoming comic book series which will contain battles between Marvel Comics heroes, where the results are decided by reader voting. The match of the week is between Hawkeye and Gambit. I say that all of you should vote for Hawkeye. Let's look at them for a moment.

Gambit is someone with all the advantages. Psychic powers to compel women to sleep with him, and coerce others into agreeing with him. Superhuman agility. The ability to charge up inanimate objects with energy, so that they will explode violently if they are lobbed at anything else. He lives in a mansion. And what does he do? He spends much of his time standing on rooftops and bemoaning his fate. Cry me a river, buddy.

Hawkeye is a superhero because he really wants to be. He has no powers. He uses a bow and a wide array of trick arrows. And you know what? He does the job. He's lead two successful super-teams. He's single-handedly defeated entities that can and have obliterated entire worlds just for something to do. When his wife was killed, died right in his arms, he turned around and kept on saving the world, because it needed doing.

Hawkeye shouldn't just beat Gambit because he's more skilled. Not just because he has more experience, and has taken down foes that have spanked Gambit like a baby. Hawkeye should win because he's the better man. He's the hero.

(As of now, I'm taking Gambit vs. Hawkeye discussion off-column. But hell, I had to defend my hero. :)

Okay, summarizing FFT. Tough one, but here's my best stab.

We start off with a bit of narration. According to traditional history books, in the FFT world, there was a struggle for control of the throne, after the old King died. The two forces vying for control of the throne were symbolized by black and white lion crests, ergo the conflict was called the Lion War. According to traditional history, the war was ended, and peace restored, by a hero named Delita, who later became king, and all was ginchy.

FFT's story shows how the son of a nobleman, Ramza, was actually the hero who saved the world. In the midst of the Lion War, there was a bigger problem, with the Lucavi, ancient demon thingies, being summoned forth by Zodiac Stones, in an attempt to take over the world during this time of conflict. Ramza discovers this plot, and defeats the Lucavi. Meanwhile, Delita saves the world, essentially by killing off everyone important, and then being left as the only guy left standing to claim the throne. The story ends with the future historians learning that Ramza was, indeed, the one who actually saved the world, despite the Church's attempts to repress such information, and all is happy with the world.

How's that for abbreviated? I cut it down to bare bones here. If you want more detail, or have specific Qs, I'll try and answer them. Hokay?

Secret of Mana was, for the time, a rather big hit in the RPG industry in the US. It wasn't any great shakes in Japan, but there was nothing like it in the US, and it captured a lot of peoples' hearts. Then there was the much-touted and never-seen Seiken Densetsu 3, which a lot of people were eager to get. Denial of games only builds anticipation, as the FF series has taught us well. So, along comes Legend of Mana, and yeah, there are a hell of a lot of people who want it. SaGa Frontier 2 is a sequel to a game that was roundly thrashed in many quarters. Star Ocean 2 is the sequel to a game that no one in the US played, much less hyped. LoM is playing to an existing audience whose last experience with the series was very, very positive. I'm sure there are others who aren't pumped for it, like you, but there are a lot of people who are, myself included. It's high-profile, and free of negative associations. Prime hype material, mark my words.

The Anthology is limited. I don't have an exact quote for how many copies will be printed, but it's less than a normal Square release. And each copy will come packed with the soundtrack, which will contain selected tracks from the two games, since there's too much music to fit it all on one CD. Right-o?

My apologies to Bad Guy, as I deleted his second paragraph, for space considerations. Plus, the essence of it is covered in the last section of the col, so I think it's all good. But I did want to get his clock speed point made.

I suspect that, with the Pocketstation's release in question, rather than totally out of thw question, most companies will opt to keep related options in the games, rather than editing them out. Better to have a useless feature than to lack one that may be of use if the PocketStation actually does come out, no?

Whew. Life isn't complete without a long letter, ne? So, let's see what I can add here.

First off, I agree with the principles of rejecting brand name loyalty, or brand name hatred for that matter. Quality is quality, and quality is what matters. By the same token, being informed is important, and it's no crime to be wary of the latest product from a manufacturer that has proven to be unreliable, if not outright bad. The same principle that makes people give movie license games a wide berth is also what make people wary of the Dreamcast - Sega's last successful system in America was the Genesis. That was a long time ago, and with several sunken systems and peripherals in the graveyard now, it's a tough sell for any Sega-brand system, especially one whose raw statistics are already overshadowed. So I'm not sure the DC *can* secure the foothold it needs. It's fighting an uphill battle here.

I won't even try and judge the probable success of the N2000 or the PSX2 yet. We have stats, sure, but stats count for little. Games do. Until I see a comparative listing of publishers and/or titles slated for these systems, I can't judge their odds. Sony has the advantage of recent success, but Nintendo's probably (hopefully?) learned their lessons from the N64. And hell, let's face it, Nintendo IS video games to many people. I'll have to see the games. There's no other test for a game system.

Closing comments

Quite a span of letters here. There was a really good system wars-related one which I cut at the last minute, but it'll be in tomorrow's column. Which, by the way, will be updated early. Like, five or six o'clockish. This time for sure, he said in his best Bullwinkle voice. See, I need to get to the movie theatre early. But not in the way you expect.

You see, the Agent has a day job. And a night job. I work at a movie theatre. I serve coffee and popcorn. I also do lapdances, but the managers frown on that sort of thing. And, with the premiere of Star Wars imminent, all hell is breaking loose. I'm working from 7:30 PM tomorrow until 1:00 AM Wednesday, which covers the trio of just-after-midnight shows of SW. The premieres. Hooray. :\

Please note that my update on Thursday will be hurried, since I'm doing a double shift that day. And Wednesday's update will be early. But I'll get them done. Blood oath, people.

Now, all I need to do is find time to *see* the goddamn movie.

- Allan Milligan