This is going the be the worst letters column ever. Kill me now.

-AJ

Send you burning questions, 'eh? Here's a "burning question" fromme:

What's the pimp line in Legend of Legalia? I've ne'er played thegame, but am interested in this notorious line.

-Dave2

I just rented Castlevania: SoTN, and I'm running along happily kill things when I walk into a room and Death appears, along with an empty dialogue box. I tried pressing buttons, I tried waiting, I tried flipping my Playstation over, but nothing happens. The music plays and the sprite for death floats up and down, but that's it. Am I supposed to do something before I walk into that room, or does my Playstation just think it's fun to to play with me?

-Locke828, a man walks up to three holes in the ground and says, " Well, well, well."

Some day, when you are old and wrinkled and ugly, when thought hasseared your forehead with its lines, and passion branded your lips withits hideous fires, you will feel it, you will feel it terribly. Now,wherever you go, you charm the world. Will it always be so?...You have a wonderfully beautiful face, Mr.Coser. Don't frown. Youhave. And Beauty is a form of Genius-Is higher, indeed, than Genius, asit needs no explanation. It is one of thegreat facts of the world, likesunlight, or spring-time, or the reflections in dark waters of thatsilver shell we call the moon. It cannot be questioned. It has itsdivine right of soverignty. It makes princes of those who have it. Yousmile? Ah! when you have lost it ou won't smile...People say sometimesthat Beauty is only superficial. That may be so. But at least it is notso superficial as Thought is. To me, Beauty is the wonder of wonders.It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances. The truemystery of the world is visible, not invisible...Yes, Mr.Cosner, thegods have been good to you. But what the gods give they quickly takeaway. You have only a few years in which to live, really, perfectly, andfully. When your youth goes, your beauty will go with it, and then youwill suddenly discover thtat there ae no triumphs left for you, or haveto content yourself with those mean triumphs that the memory of yourpast will make more bitter than defeats. Every month as it wanes bringsyou nearer to something dreadful. Time is jealous of you, and warsagainst your llies and your roses. You will become shallow, andhollow-cheekd, and dull-eyed. You will suffer horribly....Ah! realizeyour youth while you have it. Don't squander the gold of your days,listening to the tedious, trying to improve the hopeless failure, orgiving away your life to the ignorant, the common, and the vulgar. Theseare sickly aims, the false ideals, of our age. Live! Live the wonderfullife that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searchingfor new sensations. Be afraid of nothing.

...A new Hedonism-that is what our century wants. You might be itsvisible symbol. With your personality there is nothing you could not do.The world belongs to you for a season....The moment I met you I saw youwere quite unconscious of what you areally are, of what you really mightbe. There was so much in you that charmed me that I felt I must tell youosmething about yuourself. I thought how tragic it would be if you werewasted. For there is such a little time that your youth will last--sucha little time. The common hill-flowers wither, but the blossom again.The laburnum will be as yellow next june as it is now. In a month therewill be purple stars on the clematis, and the year after year the greennight of its leaves will hold its purple stars. But we never get backour youth. The pulse of joy that beats in us at twenty, becomessluggish. Our limbs fail, our senses rot. We degenerate into hideouspuppets, haunted by the memor of the passions of which we were to muchafraid, and the exquisite temptations that we had not the courage toyield to. Youth! Youth! There is absolutely nothing in the world butyouth!

-Lord Henry-er...~Ian P.

With the dropping of the first atomic bomb, Japan has waited for theirchance to screw us back! Those Japs and Ruskies are laughing their ass ofright now at how their "games" have mesmerized American society, turningteenagers into helpless vegetables and/or fungi in front of theirtelevisions. Think about it, they've collaborated for a chance to get usback, and it was their master plan to use their "nerds" to turn us intonerds (with a couple hundred of their nerds, creating games sold to millionshere). And the scary thing is it's working.

Don't believe me?

Consider this...who the hell invented that blasted game "Tetris" anyways?That Alexander Pjajajaifiofovozsk guy! What's worse, it subliminallypromotes uniformity...damn Socialists....it's like saying "hey stupidAmericans, put the blocks neatly in rows or go fuck yourself."

Then, it was an onslaught of Japanese games...."Street Biter 2"...saying"hey stupid Americans, you throw orange fireballs at make-believe opponentswhile we try to make more games to waste hours of your life."and "Mario/Mario Kart/Doom/Starfox/F-Zero/.... 64" saying "hey stupidAmericans, you give us money for anything we make that has a squared numberafter it."

And what about Sony? Most owned TV's, VCR's, camcorders, DVDs, computers,etc.etc. etc. are made by Sony. Hell, in 10 years, you won't be able to buya goddamn cabbage without the word Sony branded on it.

Don't you realize it? By the next decade, most Americans will grow up to becomplete rejects and the Japanese and Russians will dominate the world.

We must fight back.

-Rodman

Howdy.

I have in my possession incredible evidence that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that Square hired Jackie Chan to promote Xenogears twenty years before it was released. Yes, my freinds, the conspiracy runs that deep. In one of his movies, Jackie Chan plays a character named "Wong Fei Hong", obviously a play on Fei Fong Wong. However, for the skeptics out there who still don't believe, well, you gotta believe! 'Cause another of Jackie Chan's movies was entitled, get this: "Young Master". Also, take the letters in "Half a Loaf of Kung Fu", one of his other movies, remove them, replace them with entirely different letters, and you get: "Yes, Jackie Chan is a Square employee, and he is advertising one of our games, but we won't say which, although it rhymes with 'Many Beers'."

As if that wasn't enough conspiracy for today, get this. A website which shall remain nameless, although if you take make an acronym out of its name and rearrange the letters you get 'IGA', has been stealing employees from another website, which shall also remain nameless, although I will say that its name can be rearranged to spell "PR Gamer". They reportedly bribe employees using vast amounts of money and by offering them their own harems. Who knows how deep the conspiracy runs? If you have any information on this I would appreciate it.

-Arpad Korossy

This is kinda non-videogame related, but most of the letters aren't anyway so there ya go. Is it just me or, Judging from the trailrers, is the Episode 1 plot seem ALOT like Star Wars: A New Hope? Let's compare:Star Wars: ANH-Recruit a farmboy from Tatoonine (Luke)-Must save a Princess-Must Destroy a large Space Station (Death Star)-Bad Guy Wears Black with a red lightsaber-The Old Mentor Died (Obi-Wan Kenobi)

Episode 1: TPM-Recruit a farmboy from Tatoonine (Anakin)-Must save a Queen-Must Destroy a large space station (From the second trailer released haven't seen it goto Starwars.com and download it)- Bad Guy Wears Black with a red lightsaber-The Old Mentor Dies (Qui-Gon Jiin)Sorry if I spoiled anything for ya, but if you've seen the previews it's pretty obvious Qui-Gon Jiin dies judging from the way Young Obi does the patented he died," NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

-Owen Humphreys

Drew,

long time no see. Why don't you mention the word crabbit for the nice people? (Don't you wish that whole mess was behind you? ^_^)

-James "ChuckMan" Thorne