I had a list.

A big, long list of Things To Say before I got underway with today's Double Agent column. A massive list.

However, upon reviewing the list, I discovered that none of the things on said list actually needed saying.

Hoom.

Well. Um. I daresay I'm not alone in this, but something strikes me as deeply unkosher about marrying someone I don't know's sister, sight unseen. Hell, does she have the faintest idea who I am? I'm some ex-readers of this column could come up with dozens of good reasons to retract the marriage proposal, and I shudder to think how massive a list the now-legendary Emma could generate.

Suffice to say that I'm pretty damn scummy. You don't want me as an in-law. Nobody does.

Another Mind is, by all accounts, the worst game Square has ever produced. It was a late '98 PSX release by Square, in Japan only. I've heard precious little in the way of hard info about the plot. What I have seen and heard are tales of horror about what it plays like ("Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective with worse acting and less plot"), sales (30 000 copies), and review scores (average score is roughly 22%). It's FMV and nothing else, not even a stab at having decent or even cursory gameplay. It's a game without so much as an ounce of charm or originality. It's the archetypal Shit FMV Game, and ranks up there with Sewer Shark and Night Trap for badness. I'm half-tempted to import it myself, to see if all the reports are true, to see if it truly does deserve its reputation as one of the worst games ever produced, but I just don't know if I could take it.

Bleem! does not currently allow the playing of pirated games. Virtual GameStation isn't supposed to play CD-Rs any longer, though I've had no trouble playing them with my copy (v1.2). Japanese games are off-limits unless you use an unofficial patch, which I found after about three minutes of web searching. The former is stated explicitly by the developers of Bleem!, and I've tested the latter two facts myself. I have my facts perfectly straight.

But if you honestly think Bleem! won't be hacked to allow the playing of pirated copies, you're delusional. If Virtual GameStation could have patches to allow it to play Japanese games within about three weeks of its release, do you think Bleem! will remain pristine and unhackable, in the face of the vastly larger PC hacking and piracy scene? Not bloody likely.

Sure, it's a cinch to get your PSX modded. Or pick up a Game Enhancer. But it's also easy to pick up an emulator, and download patches that will bypass any protection scheme Sony comes up with for free. Moreover, Bleem! itself can be (illegally) distributed for free, since it's software, allowing lots of PC owners who wouldn't bother shelling out a hundred bucks for a real PSX, plus ten or fifteen for a mod chip, to download it free of cost, and play copied games. THAT is an instant market for piracy, right there. Will it be a huge upsurge? Probably not. Will it make an impact? Hell yeah.

Thank you, Aaron. Personally, I classify those elements you named as elements of high fantasy, a term which I picked up someplace. High fantasy is what you describe - swords and sorcery, alien races, the works. But beyond that is the addition of epic, which simply describes scope. Hence, I'd describe, say, the Dragonlance series as epic high fantasy, whereas Robert E. Howard's Conan series would be simply epic fantasy.

Fantasy fiction, by its definition, has a very broad scope and breadth of approach, and I find that classifying it still further helps make discussion of it clearer. For example, much of FF6 isn't science fiction, contrary to popular belief. Why? Because the technology there is based on Esper power. Magitek. Magic does not exist, it's fantasy, therefore Magitek would be Science Fantasy, not Science Fiction. It has no basis in reality, but has technological trappings.

So what the hell's my point, you ask? My point is that everyone's definitions of fantasy differ, and that is why you're unlikely to see what you consider a true epic fantasy game, Aaron. An epic fantasy could entail a massive orgy, in some eyes. But since no one agrees what fantasy is, the disappointment remains.

Argh. You got me. Okay, the *first* generation of game systems is the original Magnavox Odyssey (1972) and of course, the classic home version of Pong ('74). After that, bump up my generational list a place each. Pong's always a bit dodgy for me, as it seems more of like a prototype of what a video game console would eventually be like than one itself. I think of Pong as being the Lisa to the Atari 2600's Macintosh. Be that as it may, between it and the Odyssey, there's an early generation there. Point, set, match to Craig.

It's just so crazy, it just might work. Good call, Spuzzz. You get a gold star.

This, I agree with you on. Really, it goes without saying that listening to sheer hype is an extremely bad idea. I mean, I used to be told over and over again that Mortal Kombat was the finest game ever made, but hell, I never liked it. Not when it was cool to like it, not when its popularity waned, and not now. In the final analysis, it's best to try any game with as open a mind as possible. It's pretty much impossible in some cases, but two situations inevitable result from highly-hyped games. Either they can't measure up to the reputation they've got, or they end up being as good as you expected, at which point you usually tell others as much, and become a hype-spreader yourself.

On the other hand, there's hype, and there's being an informed consumer. Ads and previews can be enticing, but when it comes down to shelling out the cash, trust two things: yourself, and trusted review sources. Finding a reviewer whose views on entertainment you generally agree with is a crucial thing as a consumer. For those who can't afford to try everything, knowing what you're getting into is important for making sure you get bang for your buck. Don't pay attention to the score, but read the text of the review. Try and gauge their reaction to various aspects of the game, and figure out if you're likely to react the same way. Comparison between different games is dangerous, to me. I enjoyed both Bomberman '94 and Metal Gear Solid, but for very different reasons.

So, in summation, trust not in hype. Trust in those people whose views line up with your own, and above all, be informed before you buy. The details, the nitty-gritty, the body of the game are what matter, not the catch phrases.

Closing comments

Whew. Busy day in the gaming world. I've got a new Deep Thought posted up, doing a detailed comparison between the FFTactics Glabados Church and the Pharisees, from the turn of the century. I'm a lot harsher on the influence of the Catholic Church over European history than he, but that's not really germane to this column, and it's an interesting comparison in any case. Good stuff.

Second, the requests for the FF4 and FF5 FMV clips are getting to be too much for me to discount any longer. So, dazzling one and all, I'll be finding a mirror site for them ASAP, and posting them up within 24 hours.

And that is all she wrote.

- Double Agent