So GIA is back up and snuggly-wuggly like a kitten.

Things are strange right now, for me. Strange dreams, strange fish, strange email, the works. I've been working so hard, my social skills have degenerated to Quasimodo-esque levels, and some of my closest friends think I've fallen off the face of the Earth. Yikes.

The benefit to all this has been some personal triumphs I won't go into here, and a lot of nifty ideas for sprucing up GIA. How many of them will actually pan out remains to be seen, but I've got rough versions of a few things set up that I'll be asking some friends and coworkers for advice on pretty soon. Please note that anything that's in the offing is in addition to the daily Double Agent column, not in place of it. So nothing will suffer due to my pursuing a side project, I promise you.

I'll be bouncing a few ideas off you readers pretty soon, probably on Wednesday, so get your critical instincts tuned up to a razor's edge for then, all right?

Oh, and if anyone out there has played Shining Force 3, scenarios 2 and 3, and either knows where to find story synopses for it, or else would be willing to explain it themselves, I'd really appreciate it.

It's Allan, with two "l"s and an "a." That, or Agent, is the way I generally prefer to be addressed here. Oh, and I'm going to try and let the Lord of the Dance gag sit for a little bit. I think it's getting overused now, so it's time to move on to brighter and funnier things.

In reference to the GOLDFI|\|Ger letter, I only wish I could claim credit for it. It really was believable, wasn't it? Anyhow, it was written by someone who shall remain nameless. On point of fact, I only wrote one, count 'em, one letter in the April 1st column myself. So, the first non-GIA staffer to identify which one I ghost-wrote gets a special prize.

Regarding the US-made RPG wish, well, Crave is releasing Shadow Madness, a traditional console RPG developed in America. Reviews are decidedly mixed, but if it's US made you want, it'll be out fairly soon. Also, if readable, distinctly localized dialogue is what you're after, check out any Working Designs game. Odds are that you'll take issue with the humor in the script, but it's certainly readable, clear, and directed at an American audience. Beyond that, the fact of the matter is that the number of US-based console developers is pretty small. The big guns of the console development industry are Japanese, and most of the US developers focus on big US market genres like sports.

As for "real" music in RPGs, while it might be an interesting idea, and especially appropriate for a modern-styled game, there are two issues to consider. First off, using professionally-recorded music is an expensive, paperwork-littered process, and putting together a soundtrack of such songs would be prohibitively expensive for most developers. Second, most RPGs are still set in a medieval setting, with a very classic, epic tone to them. Modern-styled music tends to get dated very, very quickly, and often seems completely inappropriate. Watch Ladyhawke, a middle ages-ish movie with Matthew Broderick in it, for an example of horrible modern music ruining a period piece. Classic orchestral stuff has a timeless quality, with great echos of epic, and that's what most RPGs seem to be aiming for. They want a Star Wars feel, not The Crow.

I'd say that the odds of Legend of Mana seeing US release are pretty good, considering that Secret of Mana was a good seller in its day, and Square EA's still got quite a lot of spaces in their promised release schedule to fill. Front Mission 3 seems a less likely choice, since Square's passed on the previous four games in the series, and giant robot games are generally less successful in US than they are in Japan. I'd love to see it here, myself, being a fan of the original FM, but I wouldn't lay odds.

Front Mission is a turn-based strategy RPG series. Think Shining Force with all your party members in giant robots. The Front Mission Vault entry, by yours truly, and media gathered by Tamzen, is going up any time now, and explains the gameplay of it in some depth. FM2 improved on that by adding more characters, a lot more special skills, new mecha, and converting the game from 2D to 3D. FM3, I imagine, will probably be similar, with grid-based, rotatable maps, turn-based action, and the like.

I give Harvest Moon lots of points for being original, but didn't do much for me personally. I spend a lot of time tending gardens during the summer months, and therefore, the prospect of tending to artificial plants didn't exactly light my fire. It's a neat little game, and I've met people who think it's the neatest thing ever, but the weird premise is either going to intrigue you, or bore you to tears.

HP10K was a joke.

Cows aren't cool. Ferrets are where it's at.

True story: I was once down on the main drag of Ottawa, my home town, waiting for a friend. It was a windy day, so I was huddled up in the shadow of the nearest building. In this case, a library. So, I was waiting for about ten minutes when a woman carrying a strange little sack came by. She came up to me, steered away from the door, and presented me with the sack. "Excuse me, are you going anywhere in the next five minutes?" she asked. I said no. "Could you take care of Dizzie, then? I'll just be five minutes." So she presents me with the sack, which contains none other than Dizzie the ferret. So I spent five minutes playing with some woman's ferret outside the public library, earning many a queer look, until she came out, collected Dizzie, thanked me, and left. It was darn cute, actually. I'd never seen a live ferret before that. Looked like a keen-o pet to me.

Enix has made no motions to rerelease or remix Dragon Quest VI, on Dreamcast or PSX, or PSX2 for that matter. Due to such a project's nonexistence, an English port is unlikely.

The next DQ that's due for a remix is Dragon Quest IV, actually. DQs 1-3 were all redone for the Super Famicom, so it stands to reason that any remix projects would go in chronological order, especially since DQIV sold more than DQV or DQVI.

Good examples, all. It's too bad more games don't follow these examples, really.

Oh, and a last boss pet peeve that I was just reminded of: the Broad Side of a Barn effect. Last bosses are, almost without exception, really frigging huge, impossible to miss with any decent attack, but take a lot of punishment. I'd like to see a reversal of that trend sometime, with the last boss being pretty damned tough, HP-wise, but also having excellent defense and dodging abilities. Instead of firing your ultra-powerful attacks against the proverbial broad side of a barn, I'd like to fight a boss that's tough for reasons besides being able to take untold amounts of raw punishments.

Also note that tomorrow's Deep Thought essentially wraps up the last boss debate, hopefully.

I'd pilot the Xenogears, of course. I mean, airships are nice and all, and it's be kinda neat to ride a dragon, but as a deep-down mecha fanatic, I've gotta go with the giant robot. It's big, it's powerful as all hell, it flies, and if there's no parking space, you bloody well MAKE some. That's my dream machine.

The winner of the drag race between RPG flying transports would either be Flammie, or some other flying dragon (as in FFV, DQVI). You see, fast as all the mechical transports are, we're talking about a dramatic medium here, and there is nothing as powerful and efficient in heroic fiction as a person who pushes themselves to the limit and triumphs against impossible odds. Sure, realistically, the Epoch from Chrono Trigger would probably be the fastest machine on the block. But it'd make for a dull story.

By default, UnJammer is in English, with Japanese subtitles. But there's an option in the Japanese options menu to change the subtitles to English. So import it. Love it. Everyone else does.

Closing comments

Ack. This took a lot longer than I expected it to. I started this column in the morning, at about 11 AM EST, and it's being wrapped up twelve hours later. Pathetic, really, I'm going to try for a midday update tomorrow. He said hopefully, convicing no one.

Response to the GIA chat has been scarce, so I can't say whether it was useful, or fun, or lame, or whatever. Matt Blackie has suggested that we set up a permanent GIA channel, which is a thought. And hell, there's nothing stopping you from hanging out in Dal #thegia. Right now, I'm messing around with my schedule, and having a regular (weekly or bimonthly) #thegia chat is something that's in consideration. If you have any specific ideas on that note, regarding format, timing, or whatever, feel free to share.

- Allan Milligan