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| And now... the lap dance! |
Dear Double Agent, Recently, I've been hearing about a special code for Unjammer Lammer. Apparently, when you enter the special 'Password' section, you enter the code, "LAPDANCE", and that brings you to a special stage that's going to get cut out of the American version. Now, don't get me wrong; apparently the level isn't nearly as racy as it sounds, the high point being when Katy Kat comes onto the screen topless (but it still has those censoring bars, dammit. :( ). Is this rumour true? I know it sounds kinda fake, but the Japanese have been known for doing wierd stuff like that before. I'm thinking that it's part of the new, "more ,mature" approach that Sony's been wanting to take for a while now. Hope you can help. Thx. - Mr. Domino (whom nobody can stop, and don't you forget it, White Boy.) |
You watch your tone with me, or I'll Parker Brothers your ass straight into a wheelchair. I don't take lip from no domino.
That said, I have indeed sampled the LAPDANCE code in UnJammer, and I highly commend Sony for choosing to implement this highly controversial, yet arousing feature. Too many companies are stuck in the 80s, ignoring the raw sexuality of their cartoon characters. With UJL, Sony is following the examples of Ralph Bakshi and Fritz the Cat, realizing that nudity in cartoon characters isn't real nudity at all, and can help battle the intrinsic bias of Americans against naked people. Fight the power, I say!
I consider the implementation of Dual Shock features in the game to be deeply offensive, but the lap dancing section as a whole is a true leap forward for gaming. It's perhaps the most innovative and daring minigame since the infamous Resident Evil 2 "Fun in the Morgue" hidden area, cut by censors at the last minute for the US release. Kudos, again. We need more lap dancing, dammit. More sex. It's what makes the world go round. All we DO need is love.
| You know, FF Tactics sucks |
Hey Alan! Hey man, normally I agree with your opinions, and I think you kick Thor Antrim's ass. But I really can't believe that you enjoyed that smouldering, festering dungheap of a game called Final Fantasy Tactics. I was amazed by Square's temerity in releasing what was obviosuly a buggy, ill-balanced and rushed piece of software. It's symbolic of Square's condescension toward hardcore gamers, and the backslide of the company as a whole, that they think American players will blindly accept whatever crap has the Final Fantasy name on the cover. What's worse, they're right. Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) about the whole experience was poorly conceived and executed. Aside from being prohibitively difficult and lopsided (certain classes like the Lancer and Summoner were utterly useless), to taking cheap shots at the Catholic church, and having primitive and antiquated 2D graphics. The soundtrack is awful; I had to mute my TV to get those repetitive and banal tunes out of my head. There was far too much level-building involved, and even T.G. Cid wasn't enough to alleviate the ridiculous difficulty. And don't even get me STARTED on the translation, which is an insult to gamers everywhere. Anyway, I've ranted enough, I think. But I think it's pretty obvious that anyone who actually ENJOYED FFT is a newbie gamer, and wouldn't know a good game if he was introduced to it. Stay cool, man. ---- CAPTAIN GOLDFI|\|GER ---- |
This is clearly written by someone who lacks any sense of what being a true hardcore gamer is about. Anyone that found Final Fantasy Tactics difficult is clearly a FMV-loving, polygon-supporting gaming pansy whose brainpan would probably explode like a Dr. Pepper in a bucket of liquid nitrogen if he ever played a real RPG. You're not worthy to kiss the CD that true classics like Dragon Quest VII and Tactics Ogre are printed on. I agree that Square is condescending towards its audience, betraying its traditions and embracing moronic modern trends, but anyone that hates FF Tactics doesn't truly understand the meaning of most gamers' struggle against the monolithic and Orwellian creature that Square has become.
And FFT didn't kill hundreds of thousands of people over the years, in the name of Truth. The Catholic Church did. So sit on that and rotate, bucko.
| Child support |
Dear Allan, I am carrying your child inside of me. It's been three months since we spoke, but it's starting to kick, and I need your money so support our family. Send money soon. - Unwed |
Oh, sure, you say that you just wanted a nice quiet evening alone. You wanted to comfort me, to make me feel wanted. No strings attached, you said, as you slipped off the bra straps. And now look what's happened. You on your knees again, this time begging for money, to support the bastard that's probably the progeny of some other poor sod. Whatever happened to the good old days of the one-night stand, of spreading one's genes and moving on to the next town, like the Lone Ranger? All you've done is ask and demand, ask that I bend you double like a safety pin, deposit the mad seed before they tie off my tubes, or run me down with dingo dogs for not voting at all.
Find some other sucker. Ask AK - he's always eager to claim that any sexual act was his doing. He tries to hard to cover up the fact that he's a eunuch. Sad, really. Make him a daddy. I was yours for a lonely winter's night. That's gift enough.
| The Mac is BACK? |
Dear Fucko - I recently read in MacFixit that Connectix has developed Virtual Mac OS, a new emulator that will change my Playstation into a Mac. Adaptors for the keyboard and Zip are reportedly forthcoming. I would like to be the first to welcome this new software to the industry; now PSX gamers will be able to enjoy the accessibility and convenience of a Macintosh. All this for a mere $149, I'm planning on getting two the day it gets released. With any luck, this will revitalize the Mac gaming industry, and give a boost to the flagging PSX games industry as well. This should show those PC lovers that the MAc isn't to be mocked any longer. Anyway. Just wanted to be the first to let everyone know that the Mac is back. Cya, Jobs FANatic #1 |
The Mac is back? The Mac isn't to be mocked? Are you out of your Vulcan mind?
Update time, you deluded little worm. The Mac wasn't there to begin with. It can't come back. It has all the market clout of a radical new brand of sewing needle, and boasts a gaming library of months-late ports of PC games and shareware games so direly out of date that they'd be more at home on a Commodore 64.
The iMac looks like it was molded out of whipped cream and Jello, not even the good flavors like cherry or raspberry, but the vomitous Lime, Tapioca, and Berry Blue, which CNN has confirmed contains one part per ten thousandth of Hitler's brain. This is their route to success? A computer that looks like something Bill Cosby should be hawking through a heroin-induced stupor, and an emulator that gives PSX owners the opportunity to slog through the Mac OS in all its horror. The Mac OS, by the way, boasts all the elegance and beauty of Bill Gates' hawkish good looks, and not half the functionality of a Pocket Pikachu.
If the creation of the Virtual Mac OS doubles the Apple user base, the most that'll happen is that the Mac Expo will have to be held in two janitor's closets, instead of the one they rent out every year.
| The Worm Song |
Dear Allan, The Worm Song by Kevin Strange "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, im gonna eat some wor-er-orms" "Big fat juicy ones, Small skinny slimy ones, Big fat small skinny wor-er-orms" "First you bite their heads off, Then you suck the guts out bbooooyyyyy look at em wiggle and squirm" Some people may ask why i sang that. Some might give me funny looks. Some might stay far far away and get a restraining order. ( true story ) Anyway, i hope you all enjoyed the worm song. - Kevin Strange |
You are truly the next Liberace, Kevin. Bravo.
| Star Trek for PSX2 revealed! |
Dear Double Agent Have I got a scoop for you! I just got inside information regarding the rumoured Squaresoft Star Trek RPG for Playstation 2. It's in development as we speak, and I'm told that ILM (Industrial Light & Magic) is having a hand in the CG cutscenes, which are supposed to feature the actors from all three series (Next Gen, DS9, and Voyager!) The way it's being planned now, it's the first game in history to take up two full DVDs, and even that is likely to expand just like FF7 did. Can you imagine a _3_ DVD Star Trek game?!?!?!?! The plot involves the final confrontation between the Federation and the Borg, and also features a guest appearance from John DeLancie (also known as Q). Cool, huh? Can't wait, here's hoping that all the new games for the Playstation 2 are this fresh and original. ttyl, Kupan Your #1 Fan |
Wow, that sounds like a Trek fan's wet dreams. Well, the one after the one with Wesley Crusher in his rainbow-collared jumpsuit, lashed to their specially-made Klingon Love Nest of Prey.
I do find this difficult to believe, though. For one thing, I can't imagine a 3 DVD Star Trek game. To fill that vast amount of space, actual creativity would be required, something the franchise hasn't seen hide nor hair of since 1987 or so. I mean, you're expecting the people that turned a cyborg into a sex symbol by slapping a foot-thick steel bra on her chest and a dodgy attempt at a no-nonsense attitude to come up with three DVDs of quality material? The best thing that could be done with the Trek franchise isn't an RPG, but rather to take the current caretakers of the series, toss them out on the street, and test at what range buckshot remains deadly at.
| Letter from the Bizarro World |
Good bye Single Agent Girl, Me ams Bizarro Gaban #4. Me have something not important at all to tell you! Me have played future, played the TRUE RPG of the future, and you not covering it at your stoopid web-site-placey. Me talking about best, softcore game of them all: MARIO PARTY In Mario Party, you ams playing most greatest character of them all, Mario and Toad and Princess. Me like Bowser best, he ams sexy sexy wink wink. Game is deep with many games in game. Control is crisp like air in Vietnam jungles. Picture-graphs are MOODY and "DETAILED" like second-greater game, BUBSY 3D for Virtual Boy. Me am very disa- disssa- dica- angry with you for not giving true props to Mario Party. It ams the best RPGame ever made, almost as good as Archaic Dreams! And Hello Kitty Puzzle Cube. It hardcore, dood. Hello to you again! - Bizarro Gaban #4 |
I can think of no finer way to round off today's letters than a missive from the Bizarro World. Thank you, Bizarro Gaban #4.
Now, dealing with your points, I think that Mario Party is a clear example that Nintendo has a pool of about a hundred truly talented designers, who are assisted by a squadron of no-talent clueless chimpanzees whose fingers were sawed off during smuggling runs to Iran during the late 70s. The good game designers bring us Metroid and Zelda. The chimpanzees bring us R.O.B. and Mario Party. MP strikes me as a truly exceptional game in that it has over fifty mini-games in it, and somehow, not one of them is more fun than pruning my toes with rusty switchblade. The only way you can have fun with Mario Party is by dropping it off the balcony of your apartment and seeing if it clobbers any pigeons on its way to street level. If it's an RPG, then it's a compelling argument for the gaming industry to look seriously at reviving the tradition of developing crap-ass movie license games for the NES, instead of wasting time with shit like Mario Party.
Closing comments
Another fine April day, another fine April column. This marks the beginning of a new era, one which will bring the wonder of Irish culture and flaming footsteps to the dirty masses that are you, my beloved readers. All hail me, for I am the path to glory and light! I know everything there is to know about video gaming! I know all there is to know about art and music and poetry! I am sex and love and throbbing good times! I am the Lord of the Dance, now and forever, and you shall all be my SLAVES!
Until tomorrow.
- Allan Milligan, Lord of the Dance
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