My mouse has gone all squirrely on me, and I have to get up at 6 AM tomorrow. Bleah. Being a secret agent isn't all fun, games, and subverting the minds and morals of America's youth, y'know. So, that said, let's get on with letters. Also note that there's fairly important information in the closing comments, so keep watch on them. | Just the FAQs, ma'am | That "FOR ME TO POOP ON" thing actually comes from a re-occuring skit called "Triumph: the Insult Wonderdog". This is a cigar-chomping, Yugoslavian Mountain Hound whose talent is as an insult comic. He finds everything on Conan's show wonderful... for him to poop on! You can find some video and sound clips of Triumph's goodness at http://listen.to/Triumph BTW, I thought this might be interesting to AK. We all know that he is a huge REM fan. And we all know that they had a hit song called "It's the End of the World As We Know It" but did you know that there is a popular Canadian act called "Great Big Sea" who's first album was called "Up" and on their sophmore album they did a cover of "ITEOFWAWNI" and REM named their latest album "Up"? Isn't that freaky? Actually, you're Canadian so you probably know that. But I thought I'd brag that to everyone who didn't know. Oh yeah, now that I remember, when are you guys going to do any work on the GIA FAQ? This is my first letter to you. I feel dirty like I've lost my virginity.... - JohnLR |
Dirty? Lost virginity? I feel like I'm doing the letters column for Penthouse.com all of a sudden. Then again, Penthouse probably pays a lot better. Hmm. Note to self: send resume to porn sites... Ahem, anyhow, we haven't worked on the GIA FAQ in a while since, really, there hasn't been anything especially compelling to add. The closest thing to a Frequently Asked Question to us is "why is the server down?", the answer to which is usually We Don't Know. That looks pretty silly as an isolated answer in one DA column, and it'd look doubly silly in a FAQ. The only section of the site that would merit an FAQ, really, is this one. Of course, that would mean that said FAQ would be written by yours truly, which would mean that it'd be hopelessly cruel and pissed off at the questions. | The 411 | Hey! I have visiting your site since it was first in production up to present day and I have to say that you have the best quality, best quantity and most suberb pictures ever to grace my screen I- Wait a minute, this isn't Horny Hank's Hentai Hompage. Urr, umm pay no attention to that first paragragh... |
Points for good misdirection, here. Points off for alliterative title for a porn page - porn sites just aren't that clever. | GIA some call it just a game site, others call it a way of life, while others say it's the best gaming site ever created, me I call it Bob. And you Allan-don't-you-dare-call-him-fucko you I hate to say am the only reason I come here anymore since all I care about on this site is this column. I think your all doing a great job but all I really care about right now is ff8, but hell, who doesn't love your column [*cough* Thor Atrim *cough* - Allan], ah well on with the show... Just a couple (10) questions, comments, and rambles: 1. Do you know where I can find a "complete" ff8 walkthrough? I've tried Rei's bilingual ff site but he doesn't have disc four completed. |
Scott Ung has a complete, and scarily long walkthrough that came be found at GameFAQs.com. There's another, similarly complete one there, too. I haven't used 'em, but damn, it's 400k. It had damned well better be complete. 2. Have you ever played River City Ransom for the NES? That game kicked ostrich ass! Would you consider it an "action" RPG. And I was hoping maybe you guys could stick it in your vault. Just a thought... |
As I've said on numerous occasions, all the Tecmos games for NES kicked massive amounts of booty. We've argued about RCR's inclusion in the Vault for many a day now, but don't think it'd be appropriate for inclusion at this time. If we broaden our scope in the future a bit more, you bet your sweet bippy it's going in. RCR kicks ass. There's just no two ways about it. Barf! 3. Personally I loved the first Zelda and hated Zelda64 in case anyone was interested. I believe both sides had good arguments during the debate but it just didn't float my boat if you get my drift. |
Float your boat... get my drift... man, the puns are coming hot 'n heavy tonight, aren't they? 4. What do they call Canadian Bacon in Canada? Just bacon, and would they call ours American Bacon? Twilight zone stuff huh? |
Canadians don't eat bacon. We eat polar bear meat, and tourists. Brian Glick and I have an Asian fetish of a wholly different nature from our US-born comrade Vestal... 5. I like your socks too. |
Excellent. 6. I have some crazy idea but one day I was thinking about Zelda and was wondering, "Why do they call it Zelda when Link is the main character?" and then I had a vision *que angelic choir* why not have a Zelda game where you play as the princess? example plot: Ganon poisons Link or something and you (Zelda) must save him... |
There was actually a special Super Famicom release in Japan, using the Zelda: Link to the Past engine, which indeed starred Princess Zelda herself. I don't know if it was any good, but it existed. 7. Do you have a woman? I'm not gay just curious, and you don't have to answer if you don't wanna... |
Alas, no. Unless you count the hotmail account vixen who keeps on sending me lewd pictures and making online passes at me. But she's a loon. So don't. 8. What's up with all these wussy-so-called-hardcore-gamer-dumbasses that whine about rpg's being too cimatic? I remember you saying that there are maybe three that have that much fmv and fancy graphic: ff7, ff8, and parasite eve. Anymore? I sure as hell can't think of any so why don't you all just sit down, shut your goddam mouths and be happy with what you get and if you don't like the quality of games out there then start your own company and make your own games but leave the rest of us alone. |
Eh... I don't think that's a viable option. I've ranted before that the cinematic RPG trend isn't half as pervasive as it's often made out to be, so I won't revisit that. Still, some people are indeed starting their own companies and making RPGs their way. But most of us don't have the time, drive, or skill required to make a great game, so it's our perogative to make our opinions known to those that do, so we can get the best bang for our buck. Of course, not everyone likes to be banged the same way. That sounds really dirty and it was completely unintentional. 9. When's the fanart section gonna update again? It's been awhile... |
Real Soon Now (tm). Patience, grasshopper. 10. And finally: Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Fruit flavored Cheese!! (Hows that for a weird joke, courtesy of my 9-year old sister). And so now I'll leave you all with the only words of wisdom you'll ever need to know: "Always shave your armpits before you plan on getting eaten by a Norweigian goatfish" Ciao Rudedog |
... right. Anyhow, teach your sister the true monkey joke sequence. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Monkey see, monkey do. And so on. Of course, everyone can make up their own monkeys. Why did Allan's monkey fall out of the tree? Because it ODed on smack. See, it's easy to be unfunny if you put your mind to it! | Game reviews, a la Agent | Hey Allan, Castlevania : SotN is a killer game, but don't you think Alucard's shieldtakes alot of the challenge out of the inverted castle? You can always notuse it, but that's no fun. Since you've played every PS RPG I need to know your opinions on AzureDreams, Brigandine, and Master of Monsters. (The only ones I haven'tplayed) - MistaSopz |
Azure Dreams is a game you play all the way. If you like an ever-evolving story and deep characterization, run the hell away. It's a dungeon crawl with a town around it. Decent graphics, decent sound, but your enjoyment will really depend on whether you find the prospect of dungeon-scavenging and building up a town to be appealing. If you're the Find the Secret Area/Play the Minigame type, go for it. If you're looking for a lot of forward momentum to keep your interest high, don't bother. Brigandine I really liked. Crap graphics, iffy music (Iscalio kicks booty), and it's clunky and unrefined in a lot of ways... but I had fun. Finding new and amusing ways to thrash enemies, enjoying all the hidden quests you can send generals on, the little soap operas playing out as time passes. Conditionally recommended to strategy nuts, avoid if you like action games. Master of Monsters sucks sour frog ass through a ribbed rainbow straw. Ugly, pointlessly easy, clunky control, glitchy, and most damning of all, actively inferior to the Genesis version. Avoid at all costs. | Hey, I remember those! | Allan, Just to inform you...yes, there are books that act exactly as RPGs. It's called "Lone Wolf". You start with you character, gather items,weapons, armors, abilities and the like. You fight random battlesduring the course of the book through a series of charts and things atthe back of the book. You "level up" after each book, and got to useyour character during the next one. You can chant your magic. You canuse your items. They're RPGs...and, actually, from what I remember,fairly well written. There was also another book series that was anoffshoot of this series, but for the life of me, I can't remember whatit was called. It played exactly the same as "Lone Wolf", but itinvolved a mage instead of a warrior. I remember having a jolly goodtime with them during the 7th grade. Probably wouldn't touch 'em now,but for any of your younger (or immature) readers, they might want togive them a whirl. For those interested, I checked and both amazon.com andbarnsandnoble.com, and they both have several titles from the series instock. See ya. -Aaron Littleton "Always helpful, except when I'm not." |
All right, all right, you can lose books: Lone Wolf books, whatever that sequel was, and of course, Choose Your Own Adventure novels of all stripes. I loved those Lone Wolf ones, though. I especially liked the powerful, but life-sapping black sword of death you found in the last book. Very cool. | Threats | Missing something? No Ef-Ef-Seven on your list? Shame on you. THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT PROVIDED BY THE PEOPLE WHO MAKEPUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T MAKE PUBLIC SERVICEANNOUNCEMENTS. Reply or be ELIMINATED. -Agent J- |
Final Fantasy VII, while a game that I enjoyed very much, is not in my top ten games ofr PSX. A year ago, things might have been different, but I've played some damned fun games in the interim, and it just doesn't measure up to the goodness that is Gran Turismo or Silent Hill, to me at least. | Dreamcast RPG list expands by two | In response to one of your letters, the Dreamcast will indeed have some good PC ports. ION Storm, after much indecisiveness, has decided that they will port Anachronox to DC. Dreamstone Entertainment says that they will port Evenstar to DC as well. 1.Evolution 2.Shen Mue 3.Grandia II 4.Anachronox 5.Evenstar 5 RPGs -- not bad for a system that doesn't even come out for 6 more months. |
Also add Climax Landers, a very promising-looking Action/RPG made by Climax. Looks like a damned fine game. I should point out that Rev. David Francis Smith wrote in to say that his comparison between Evolution to Nethack was indeed flawed, based on Evolution's randomly-generated dungeons, and he retracts it. He's a class act, that David. | Cutting out my eyes | Greetings! After waiting for nearly three weeks for my beloved Final Fantasy VIII soundtrack to arrive, I eagerly opened the package this afternoon. To my surprise, however, and contrary to all track lists I've seen to date, the single "Eyes on Me" was NOT contained on the soundtrack. According to all reports I have seen prior to today, the song "Eyes on Me" should be track #20 on Disc 3. I have even seen scans of the track listing in the book that contain this track. Mine didn't. After realizing that I, in fact, did not have this track, I called GameCave (the people I ordered it from). They didn't have a clue as to what the problem was. They suggested it was a typo. (As if the song didn't exist. Too bad I have a recording of it on my desktop.) After about a half-hour of further pursuit, I realized that I did not have the "Limited Edition". So, as a word of warning to anyone that is considering the purchase of the FFVIII OST, if you haven't ordered it yet, you will NOT get the single "Eyes on Me." Somewhat p.o.'ed at Square, Matt Cascino |
Consider the word spread. Though I don't enjoy the song to begin with, so I, personally, won't be wracked with sobs. ;)
Closing comments Additional strategy titles that are two-player, all my Koei: North and South, Nobunga's Ambition, and a few others. Point two: the comment I make about no book being difficult to complete was half-serious. On one hand, books lack challenge in the video gaming sense: there is no obstacle in any book that prevents you from reading the words on the page from start to finish. You can finish any book. Comprehension is a whole different matter, which is what distinguishes Das Kapital and Ulysses from, say, a Danielle Steele novel. So on one hand, there are difficult books. But it's a matter of understanding them and absorbing them, not physically completing them, that makes them difficult or easy. Which is why they're different from video games. And lastly, yes, GIA will be sending a contingent to E3, and will be reporting the hottest news from the show as it happens. - Allan Milligan | | | |
