And lo, I didst make many people laugh most loudly.

To tell the truth, I was extremely worried when I posted those letters last night. Not because I said anything I was ashamed of (I stand by every one of my opinions presented therein), but simply because most people would see it as cruel and unusual to pick on people who had the temerity to write in terminally lame letters.

My worries were for naught. The response has been overwhelmingly positive, to my immense relief. A big Thank You to every one of you who wrote in to express your amusement and/or amazement at the lamer letters from yesterday. Glad I was able to polish a nice collection of turds for you, so to speak. This will not be a regular feature, since it'd only encourage people to write in lame letters, but for a one-shot deal, I think it all went pretty well, and gave some of you a peek at the truly bizarre and terrible stuff I get sent every day. Remember: by and large, I really enjoy doing this column. I've broken dates (okay, a date) for its sake. But it's not all roses. Yesterday gave you a peek at the thorns. What I post every other day, with a few exceptions, are the blossoms. :)

My one regret is that today's column seems hopelessly tepid by comparison. Ah well. Variety is the spice of life, is it not?

Hard drinking. Liquor in quantity enough to float small Pacific islands. Liquor enough to get the entire population of Belgium completely sauced. Liquor enough to give even Ted Kennedy pause. It's amazing what a powerful thing fermented grain is, I tell you. Whenever things get tough, whenever my personal life is in the crapper and my hand is falling off at the wrist, whenever someone runs over my dog and steals my bicycle, whenever a dozen people refer to me as fucko and accuse me of causing Apartheid, there is nothing a good swig of J.D can't fix.

Okay, the FF Collection not being released yet, this isn't set in stone, but the Collection version of FF6 seems to be mostly the same thing as the standalone version. As far as I know, the difference between the two will be in terms of FMV volume; the FFC version will likely only have the opening and ending FMV sequences, and perhaps a small number interpersed elsewhere, whereas the solo release will have a huge amount of FMV, including, it seems, the Opera sequence.

A PocketStation is a small PlayStation accessory. It's a tiny little thing powered by batteries that serves two purposes. It plugs into the memory card slot of your PSX, and can act as a standard memory card. However, it also has a tiny LCD screen and a few buttons, like a lilliputian Gameboy, and this allows it to be used without need of a PSX. Several new and upcoming titles, including Street Fighter Alpha 3 and FF8, use the PocketStation as a way of building up the power of your save files in lieu of the game with small, Tamogotchi-like care and feeding games played on the Pocket Station. Basically, you save your game on the PS, and can use it to make it a better save file.

The Final Fantasy Collection is a PSX rerelease of Final Fantasies IV-VI in a special case, and including a bunch of extras, including game libraries and fact files, FMV sequences, and a clock.

Sigh. We really need to make the About GIA section more prominent. Answering your question, we have some spiffy GIA banners available for download and use on your own pages. They're in the GIA Link Banners section, found by following the link on the main page that reads About GIA.

I still wish we could use my alternate GIA slogans, though. "GIA: Visit Us or We'll Kill Your Whole Family" has such a nice ring to it...

There doesn't appear to be any further Eva games in development for the PSX. To be quite honest, it looks like 1999 is the last hurrah for big-name Playstation release (I thought 1998 would be it, but there's good stuff coming this year). I've heard rumblings of a Dreamcast Eva game, though, so keep an eye out for it.

And sorry, no Eva game is currently planned for US release.

Agh. You know, for all the times I've repeated FF8's release date, the reality of its timing didn't sink in until I read your letter. Gah. That's going to be a fun experience for me. Off I go, moving to a different city, starting university, hopefully in a journalism program (cross my fingers...), and all the while I'll be thinking "Mmmm... must play FF8...." Damn, that's going to suck.

By the by, thumbs up for using the expression "beggars can't be choosers." It was one of my grandfather's favourite expressions, and I don't hear it often enough.

Parasite Eve's main fault is the relative lack of gameplay. It was miscast as a sort of RPG epic, a sequel to the FF legacy, because it's simply not designed for that. Parasite Eve has a nice battle system, gorgeous FMV, and a fairly good story. It reeks of atmosphere. It lacks, however, a base of secrets, customization of your character, any degree of nonlinearity, choice and variety of gameplay, puzzles of any kind, or need to really think too hard. It's more like Resident Evil than it is like Final Fantasy, and since it was billed as a Cinematic RPG, it was cut down to size for not being a terribly good RPG. Think of it as a suspenseful adventure game, and I think it stacks up a lot better.

Well, I can safely say that I haven't even thought of that before. Points for originality, if nothing else.

Or, in the language of the future, it'd be "Off course, I had not a before tat is thought of."

That quiz is something beautiful, I must say, though I don't advocate violence against Thor. He's quite nice for an ancient Norse god of thunder. Ahem.

In any case, yes, the thought of internet gaming through consoles does worry me a bit. I guess it will be a true test of basic human nature. Will online console gaming attract a different crowd than online gaming on PCs? Will they act differently? Will new lingo come out of the mix? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions? Because I don't know what console gaming will add to the online mix. I just don't know.

Closing comments

Okay, closing time at the store for now. But a special question will be addressed here and now. Namely, several people have noted that I've grown rather... testy of late, and wonder if a week of relaxation might do me a world of good.

Well, fear no longer, the violent-tempered Double Agent is going on hiatus as of this coming Tuesday, March 2nd, and won't be back until a week later. I'm heading down to the Maritimes, specifically Halifax, to tour some universities I'm thinking of attending in the fall. Consequently, everything works out nicely. I go tour some campuses and generally get away from things, I get a week off from the column to get my attitude in check, and all of you readers get a week in the loving care of another talented GIA staffer. Sound groovy?

- The Double Agent