Like pulling teeth from a rubber snake in a coffee cup

All right, people, I'll keep this nice and simple. I received several letters today. All but two were about Dragonball Z. As a result, there is no column today. I'm more than willing to have a few paragraphs or letters dedicated to an off-topic discussion thread, but this is ridiculous.

So, here, I present several on-topic points of discussion to inspire and/or enrage you, and provide fodder so I can update this column tomorrow.

- Final Fantasy VIII has received excellent scores from initial reviews by gaming magazines. Do you believe that sales + hype = quality? Justify your answer by citing examples of Fantastic Four, Battle Arena Toshinden, Zelda: TOoT, and FF8.

- Which is the best party puzzle game of these: Trap Gunner, Bomberman (specify version and system), Super Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo, Bust a Move?

- Wouldn't it be neat if every rational, sane person on the planet could come together, shoot all the "hardcore" gamers clean off their high horses, then stomp on their bodies?

- Lufia 3 is back in development. What is the best feature of the previous Lufia games that should be preserved?

- Write a short review of an RPG or strategy you played, and nobody else seems to remember. It does not have to be a good game.

- What's the single best game that was never released in the US? Omit any that have easily accessible translated ROMs circulating about, 'cause we've all heard enough whining about FFV for ten lifetimes.

- Should dating sims, like Tokimeki Memorial, be brought to North America?

- Did you laugh when Gremio died in Suikoden? What kind of sicko are you?

- If there as an internet-based RPG for a console system, like the one proposed for Dreamcast, would you buy it? Do you think it'd be more or less fun than Ultima Online? Could it stay d00d-free? How?

There you go. Send me an on-topic letter or I'll slit your tongue clean in half, then nail the top half to your nose, and pull the bottom half until it tears clean off. I'll then shatter each and every one of your ribs with clean, quick blows to the chest with a small steel mallet, tie you to the top of a Mexico-bound Miata with tightly-twisted steel wool, and wave goodbye cheerfully as you roll away.

- The Double Agent