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76. Is Crystalis the Unabomber's favorite game? (Crystalis)

Bomberman, of course.

77. Why does Samus Aran lose all of her weapons and energy tanksbetween games? (Metroid series)

She loses them in poker games. Samus is an extremely skilled bounty hunter and warrior, but damned if she can score anything better than two pair. She loses her shirt, her pants, her dignity, her weapons and her energy tanks, and comes back for more. Brilliant, she ain't.

78. Why does the "surprise" ending of every Metroid game feature thesame thing which everyone already knows? (Metroid series)

Uh... you mean, that one Metroid once again survived to plague the galaxy? It's called setting the scene for an easy sequel. Metroid is popular, ergo there will be sequels to it developed and released, and hey, if a plot works the first time, why not use it again? Nintendo's never been overly obsessive about coming up with new plots, and Metroid is just another example. Gameplay's the thing, and marketing's what makes it happen.

79. What causes the death of a character who is scrolled off thescreen? (any game with automatic scroll)


80. Why isn't there a scenario where you get to control a villain?(Saga Frontier)

Because nobody programmed one.

81. If a chemist doesn't know how to use an X-potion, why can he stilluse one with auto-potion? (FFT)

Auto-Potion is the development of a reflex action, not a conscious decision and excecution of a skill like the normal skills are. It simply teaches the character to, when hit by any attack, so reach into their pockets, pull out the first bottle they set their fingers on, and drink it right quick. If it really came down to it, you could stick a bottle of urine into a potion bottle and the Auto-Potion guy would down it, no questions asked.

82. Has anyone EVER lost a game of Torpedo Attack? (FF7)

Yes. They were then hit by a falling satellite, thereby removing the least skilled game player in human history from the face of the Earth, thank all that is holy.

83. Considering how much Captain Kirk went through and managed tosurvive, how did he eventually get killed by an insane El-Aurianprofessor? (Star Trek: Generations)

Because he sucks. He always sucked. Captain Kirk was a dim-witted, arrogant, stupid, ludicrously lucky man with a libido that could only be stopped by nailing his scrotum to an anvil. He should have died eons ago, and the fictional world of Star Trek is vastly better off for his being killed off in such a humilating and final manner. May crows eat his bloated corpse, and make nests in his rib cage.

84. Why does the character's strength effect the attack power of a gun?(FF7)

FF7 guns' range, impact power, and so forth are direction related to how hard one can pull the trigger. The harder you pull, the faster the bullet is pushed out of the firing chamber, and the harder the resulting impact. This is also why low-level guards can't hit very hard, even using guns: they're too weak to launch the bullets at anything close to lethal speeds.

85. Why are they called Movers if they don't move? (FF6)

They're mover and shakers in the political world, though that takes place off-camera. Hence the nickname, though they're most immobile during combat.

85. What would a Brachosaur be doing with an Economizer? (FF6)


86. Why are strange sounds often heard when leaving the menu screen?(FF1)

Badger mating calls.

87. Why don't the Light Warriors ever wash their faces? (FF1)

Because they're kinda busy saving the world.

88. Why does the sky crack like an eggshell? (Wild ARMs)

Because the Wild ARMs world is encased in a cosmic eggshell, which rests on the corner of the shell of the great A'Tuin, the Galactic Turtle. It could crack like a walnut, in theory, but that's a whole other food group.

89. Why are angels the leaders of evil? (FF6,7,Tactics)

Because God is evil, therefore his servants will be evil. Benevolent RPG gods are about as common as spunky teenage heroes with poor dental hygiene. It's a basic law of gaming - God is Evil and Nefarious, and woe betide any who tries to depose Him.

90. Why are big chocobos invisible until you give them carrots? (FF4)

Because they're ashamed of their weight problems, and hide to prevent others from noticing their obesity.

91. How does throwing a spoon deal more damage than slicing with asword? (FF4)

Surprise factor. When people see a spoon, they think "mmmmm... soup", but "good god, a spoon! I must defend myself against this mortal threat!" They don't take the spoon seriously, and get killed because of it.

92. How hard would Setzer have to throw his cards to kill someone withthem? (FF6)

Cards are routinely made out of steel plates where he comes from, and if he sharpens the edges a little, it's not that hard to kill someone with them.

93. If Umaro can't speak, then how did he get his name? (FF6)

Mog named him after his late mother.

94. How fast would the airship have to fly to circle the world in 9seconds? (FF6)

Faster than a speeding bullet.

95. Keeping #94 in mind, how would Setzer pilot the ship at suchspeeds, since the steering wheel is outside? (FF6)

He can clamp his shoes into special locks in the floor near the steering wheel, sort of like with ski boots and skis: you have to press them in a special way in order to connect or disconnect them, and they hold really, really firmly.

96. If the Borg cannot adapt to resist physical blows, why doesn't theFederation use bullets against them? (Star Trek: First Contact)

Because they're morons. They take their intellectual cues from Captain Kirk, what do you expect?

97. Keeping #96 in mind, the Borg were supposed to have gone back intime and assimilated all of Earth before the Enterprise arrived to stopthem. How would the Borg have assimilated the bullet-wieldingtwenty-first century humans? (Star Trek: First Contact)

It was easy, because 21st century humans, like most Star Trek characters, are morons.

98. How does someone become a stronger fighter by using potions overand over again? (FFT)

It teaches a warrior superior bladder control. If you can endure cataclysmic bladder problems, getting whomped by the Imp Du Jour is nothing.

99. In order to work, materia only need holes to fit in. Why doesn'tCloud take a piece of scrapwood and drill all the holes he needs? (FF7)

Would you go into battle carrying a piece of scrapwood? To hell with Materia - give me a bloody sword any day.

100. How is it the FINAL Fantasy if there are always sequels?

Because they are the final story of a given world. The end of all the conflicts, battles, wars, and disasters that the given world will ever have to endure. After the game is done, the story for that world is done.


Sorry, just had to get that out. Let it never be said that I'm completely sane. One hundred friggin' bleedin' sufferin' sucotash questions, and I answered them all for you, the little people. Well, okay, most of you are bigger than me, and could probably kick the hell out of me without much trouble, but dammit, it's just an expression. Leave me alone.

Anyhoo, that brings the 100-question weekend to a close, so send in the usual batch of questions, rants, raves, and panties at the usual address, and I'll give 'em a spin tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to have myself a hard belt of scotch, thank you kindly. Ciao.

- Allan Milligan, Double Agent, ceritifiable maniac and swingin' bachelor (hint hint, ladies :)

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