Let's get it on!

Yes, friends, it's the moment you've been waiting for with bated breath. Let your hearts and minds flutter and burst into flames at the sight of the first half of the Double Agent 100-question marathon! Hoo-ah! Semper Fi!

Thanks again (well, sort of...) to Jonathan Weng for send in all these questions. My bullshit muscles have been strained to their utmost, I assure you, but I think I got it. Read, laugh, and enjoy, then get ready for tomorrow, when the remaining fifty questions will be answered.

Agents say the darndest things...

1. Who is the barber of Cloud and Crono? (FF7, CT)

Cloud cuts his own hair with his sword - that's why you're not allowed to discard or sell his original weapon. This is also why his hair is so pointy. Crono has his hair cut by his mother, of course, the pansy.

2. Why does Lucca's house stand alone on an island that's, inproportion to the size of the world map, as big as Australia? (CT)

First of all, the Chrono Trigger world is substantially smaller than the real world, meaning that the island that Lucca's house is on is actually the size of Hoboken. The reason why she lives so far away is that she and her father were evicted from the city limits years back, when they accidentally created Gato Mark 1, who went on a murderous rampage throughout the town, screaming that it was the Evil Undying. It was eventually put down, but the villagers decided they wanted Lucca's family as far away from town as possible from then on.

3. If the future is to change, causing its people to cease to exist,then why don't Robo and Doan object? (CT)

Because their present sucks. If history remains unchanged, humanity is doomed to die out in a few years, so isn't sacrificing their lives worth saving a planet of people's futures for? That's why Robo's so heroic. He's wiping out his own home, for the sake of a possible future of people who are, from his perspective, already dead.

4. What is the point of the laughter heard at the end of FF7? (FF7)

It's to symbolize the rebirth of the planet, and how, with the destruction of Midgar and the corrupt technology it championed, joy returns to the world.

5. If Don Corneo is rich, why doesn't he move up onto the plate? (FF7)

Don Corneo is a pimp. He needs to oversee his girls, and seemingly wants to "test" all new members of his stable. He probably owns a vacation home on the plate, but "works" down at the Honeybee.

6. Who invented April Fools' Day? (most likely AK)

Actually, April Fools' Day is a modern reinvention of an old pagan holiday. It's been called many things over the years, but was at one point the day of a major fertility festival in Southern Wales during the mid-12th century. So, in answer to your question, it was invented centuries ago by a bunch of pagans, and was later adopted and "cleaned up" by the Church.

7. How does Bahamut manage to live on every Final Fantasy world at thesame time? (FF series)

Each FF game exists in a different, parallel dimension. As a result, many things are the same from world to world, since it's all in the same position in the cosmos, but the specifics of each world varies wildly. Consequently, there is a Bahamut in each game, but it's not the same Bahamut, simply a parallel one.

8. How does a small flower increase luck? (Wild ARMs)

It symbolizes innocence and joy, and through the positive attitude it fosters in the character, it raises their positive karma, and thus luck.

9. Who built the robot Johnny and WHY? (CT)

Johnny was built by a big fan of the film American Grafitti, who chose to celebrate his love for the movie by creating a robot that would emulate the attitude and ideals of the simpler time captured in the film. Johnny is nostalgia, personified.

10. If Safer Sephiroth uses Super Nova twice, why are the planets stillaround to be destroyed again? (FF7)

Sephiroth doesn't actually destroy the solar system when he casts Super Nova. At least, not the one you're in. Remember the parallel universe idea I proposed earlier? Same deal. Super Nova pierces the barrier between dimensions, and uses the parallel dimensions as tools to smack your party around with. He's a nasty bugger, he is.

11. After fighting Lavos, how does the team end up back in 1000 AD withCrono in bed? (CT)

Gaspar sends a Nu to grab your comatose party (knocked out by the force of Lavos' death), and delivers you all home to your mother's house.

12. Why does Super Nova obliterate every planet EXCEPT Earth? (FF7)

Like I said, it obliterates alternate universe solar systems. But, since the spell is cast from Earth, it needs to anchor itself on that spot in all the universes, which means they can't be pulled through the dimensional rift Sephiroth creates. Of course, once the spell is over, the Earth will be sent adrift and die slowly, in light of the total destruction the rest of the system has suffered, but we don't need to see that.

13. How does Leviathan manage to get from the underground to theoverworld sea and back? (FF4)

They've got a top-notch taxi service to and from the Land of Summoned Monsters. He used that.

14. Where did the black chocobo Teioh come from? (FF7)

A regular chocobo was artificially inseminated with the sperm of a crow. The resulting cross-breed resulted in a chocobo with the size and power of a chocobo, the coloration and flying capabilities of a crow, and a name with far too many vowels.

15. How did Malroth lose his eye? (Dragon Warrior 2)

He ran with scissors in the house, the poor bastard.

16. If Kefka can fry a town with his Light of Judgment, why doesn't heuse it on your party? (FF6)

At that range, the backlash of the LoJ would be too close and too strong, and Kefka might accidentally obliterate himself.

17. How does a small slab fit enough translations to learn the entireLefienish language? (FF1)

Lefienish is actually a lot like Pig Latin - it seems alien at first, but it's actually just a simple derivative of English, and can be picked up without much trouble once you get the hang of it.

18. If Magus can change Glenn into a frog, then why doesn't he do it toCrono or Lavos? (CT)

Lavos contains all the DNA of all the creatures ever created, including frogs. Magus' magic can introduce new DNA into the makeup of a creature, but can't destroy pre-existing stuff, ergo the spell would have no effect on that genetic smorgasbord, Lavos. Crono, on the other hand, uses a little known magical defense known as the Silent Treatment. The theory goes that transformational magic only works on someone who speaks out, and since Crono is mute, th at kind of magic doesn't work against him.

19. Why do they call it "life" in action games and "HP" in RPGs?

RPGs take their cue from the grandaddy of role playing games, Dungeons and Dragons, where Hit Points are the figure given to represent the vitality and resistance to injury of a given character. The principle has stuck. By contrast, action games were cut from a cloth of their own, and therefore simply use more abstract methods (life bars, gauges, hearts, et al.) to measure the capability of the player to take damage before Game Over.

20. How does Deep Thought calculate the answer to the ultimate questionwithout knowing the question? (Hitchhiker's Guide)

With great difficulty.

21. Why does Uematsu insist on using those lame synths for music whenthe Playstation is capable of so much more? (FF7,8)

Uematsu has taken the increasingly technological bent of the FF series to heart, and therefore feels like more obviously mechincal, synthetic-sounding orchestrations better suit the music for the worlds and stories of the later FF games. I think he did a superior job of that, along with Yasunori Mitsuda, on Front Mission 2: Gun Hazard, but that's the reasoning.



23. If you go as far north on the map as it gets, why do you suddenlyend up in the South? (all RPGs)

There's a vast teleportational field there, maintained by Chief O'Brien of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame. Starfleet Command performs secret testing of biological weapons in the north and south poles of the continents, so they use the giant teleportation fields to keep pesky locals out.

24. When a knight decides to become a chemist, why does he forget howto use a sword? (FFT)

Think of it like really cramming for a test: you spend all your time and energy, trying to know a given subject up and down. You eat, you drink, you speak and you breathe that subject and that subject alone. When I'm in the midst of cramming for a History exam, you can ask me how to add 2 and 2 and I'll give you a funny look and say I don't know. I've focused so hard on History that I can't remember anything else. The same deal applies to FFT characters: except for the specially-selected skills, they are constantly cramming and living their new jobs, and thus can't concentrate properly to use other skills, regardless of how basic they are.

25. What do the dwarves drink, considering there is no water in theunderworld? (FF4)

Lava. Dwarves have hella strong stomachs.

Onwards to questions 26-50!

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