It never fails.

I get back on the job, after slacking off for a unreasonably long time. I've got letters, I've got rhythm, I've got a banjo, I'm naked, I think I'm okay. Sure, there are rumors being spread about that I'm going to kill myself, but hey, you gotta take the good with the bad, n'est-ce pas?

But I made one big mistake. I made a massive mistake. I made a statement in yesterday's column that prompted the sending of a challenge to me. Someone has thrown down the gauntlet and spit on my turnip patch, and by gum, it's a tough one.

Can I handle it? What am I blithering about? What's that orange stain on my socks? All these questions and more will be answered over the course of the coming week, in bits and pieces, until the challenge, and my carefully-prepared response, are unleashed upon the public in five days' time.

Be there.

Why did I post crazy insanity about scrabble and zoo animals? Because it amused me, and hoped it'd amuse someone else. I usually don't succumb to temptation and post more than one silly letter per day, for fear of pissing people off. But gosh darn it, I was in a pissy mood, so I got silly. Can you forgive me if I answer your questions?

Anyhow, the magic beans, to my knowledge, are a one-shot deal: plant 'em, grow 'em, and that's that. The Game Boy Color can, I know, play all pre-existing Game Boy games, with no blurring, and your choice of color palettes to apply to it. Good little machine, the GBC.

As for Abe's Exodus, I'm afraid that you saved in truly terrible position, and will be totally screwed, I'm afraid. Hypothetically.

First, my guess is that Lucca, when she noticed the enemy Gears coming in to level the town, she immediately cranked up the time key and headed on home. She's not stupid. Alternately, she could have easily run off like the rest of the villagers, and from there, gone and hit on Big Joe or something. I doubt someone as smart and beautiful (well, as fictional characters go...) like Lucca would die in a pesky battle with giant robots...

Second, Bugenhagen is the name of a famed 16th century German composer who set a wide variety of Christian hymns to music. Hence, it's a Christian reference, though I'm sort of lost as to why they tossed him in there. Is there another, more sensible Bugenhagen I'm unaware of? Anyone? Regardless, yes, the Square people are big movie buffs, and seem to love tossing lines and names into their games paying homage to their faves. Where they got Bugenhagen from, specifically, I really couldn't say.

Third, I'm both intrigued and skeptical of the Dreamcast. On one hand, the tech specs are certainly impressive, as is the developer list. I suspect that how well the online gaming features are implemented and promoted will feature heavily into its growth and potential, since that's the clearest area where it simply doesn't have any competition. On a purely personal note, I'm a big Landstalker junkie, so the upcoming pics and preview information of Climax Landers have me drooling like a brain-dead fanboy. On the flipside, Sega has a long history of mismanaging their hardware, especially in the US. Moreover, umpty-million companies have pledged support for the DC, but then again, many of the titles they announce may become Earthbound 64 parallels: neat concept, but gradually sinking into the territory of vaporware (EB64 is off Nintendo's release schedule now, by the by). To succeed, DC needs some really spectacular games, and not just from Sega themselves, but other companies. Any system can boast good first-party support. It's the third parties that'll make or break it.

Lastly, Hideo is the first name of Hideo Kojima, the director of MGS. The HIDEO flashing up is a cute way of putting his name into the game, and when to switch controller ports to make Psycho Mantis weaker. It's part of the game. Dinna panic.

I once read a report that there was a Minesweeper remake/redux in production, actually. But, as you see, it appears to have ended up being vaporware. Perhaps it will one day be released in a double-pack alongside Dragon Warrior V, for play on your Super NES CD-ROM system.

I'd suggest heading to the long, narrow, North-South hallways in those levels. The blue birds are what give you the Junk, so that's what you're aiming to find and kill. Once you find them, they tend to bunch up, so use a shotgun-type weapon to put them down quickly. It's pretty tedious, I admit, but it's the fastest method for getting Junk that I've found.

As you say, Chrono Trigger is a very good, very slick game. Most people don't have any trouble with teenage characters, which would increase their enjoyment. The soundtrack, by Yasunori Mitsuda, is one of Square's best, and the graphics among the best the SNES ever pulled off. Most of all, to me at least, it was the sheer style of the game. It had panache. It had cave people whooping up on giant mechanical dinosaurs, laser-shooting robots and magic swords, and the most self-consciously mute main character in gaming history. The lead-up to the first battle with Magus, with the music crescendo and path of candles lighting up as you ran towards the circle where he was waiting... glorious. Granted, FF6 had at least as much style, and FF7 had style to spare (Vincent, anyone?), but CT is a classic, and rightfully so. Good game, good characters, good memories.

As for Ultimas, I think they are the best-known PC RPG series, and that's why they're often cited as being "typical." Many feature of Ultima have been co-opted by other games. The Ultima series tends to be a trendsetter. Well, except for Ultima VIII. Ugh. In any case, I really don't take much issue with Ultima being described as being a "typical PC RPG", since I don't think there's such a thing. What's so similar between Fallout 2, Might and Magic, Ultima VII and Everquest, might I ask? It's all just semantics, Daniel. Don't sweat it.

As for the tulips, well, in the Soulblazer world, tulips contain a highly reactive hallucinogen called enixias. The reactive quality springs from the fact that enixias contains a sort of "soul of the tulip", as it were. The tulips are sentient, but in a constant daze, and therefore you can visit their dreams, but they're essentially too stoned to resist or protest being picked to make bouquets.

This is correct, though I believe that Seventh Cross is considerably less linear than EVO was. The latter game was divided into set levels with bosses and so forth, whereas the new game (for Dreamcast, detailed preview available here at GIA naturally) appears to be a bit more nonlinear. From the previews, it strikes me as being sort of like Monster Rancher meets EVO, but we'll see, I guess. Thanks for the reminder, Bosco.

As mentioned in the new GIA coverage of Legend of Legaia, the Japanese release date was October 27th, and the US release date, as Sony officially announced, is in March. Just in time for my birthday. They plan these things to suit my needs, you see.

Latveria is a fictional European nation under the sole control of one Victor von Doom. As you can guess, it's a cheery place, with lovely lakes and wild leprechauns abounding within its borders.

As for Thor, well, I know that he's the new letter guy at RPGamer. He's also a long-time reader and letter-writer to me, and while I don't know him well enough to claim his as a friend, he's a cool guy and he wrote a good letter. Ergo, I posted it. I'm not out to get him... well, not yet, at least. :)

Five days! Five days until the end is come! It'll be big, I assure you. Tell your friends or I'll have your ears for bloody bookends!

- Allan Milligan

"I am Zemo, and what I want, I TAKE!"