The answer to your question is this: badgers.

That aside, let's see what's new in the world this week. After a few days down, due to server stuff, GIA is back up and running, albeit a bit slowly. See, we always try and bring you the latest news as it breaks, as always, but around this time 'o year, there's the minor stumbling block that most of the companies that make the news are on vacation themselves, which slows things down a tad.

In other news, Working Designs have been working hard at finishing translation of Lunar: Silver Story Story Complete, which prompts me to do my patented Happy Mambo. I am an unabashed Lunar fanboy, and the sooner it's in my hot little hands, the happier I'll be.

Also of interest, GIA posted up an interview with the (in?)famous Ted Woolsey, where he discusses what life is like at Crave Entertainment. I, for one, wasn't aware that they were looking into localizing games, as well as doing their own, original projects. Myself, I'd like to see them translate an oldie but goodie for PSX, by the name of Bloody Bride, but that's me...

Also, in a purely selfish turn, Starcraft for Mac is due out Pretty Soon Now, with Brood Wars following suit right quick, which pleases me to no end. Why, think of it: in a few short weeks, all of you can kick the living shit out of the Double Agent on the battlefield. Three cheers for whipping boys! Hip hip hooray!

Lastly, I hope you all had a good, and safe, holiday season. Honest.

And people wonder why letters column people go nuts. Pish.

I'll say it once, I'll say it a million times: Scrabble is a game of wit, wonder, and words, NOT of whapping women with wood. Set the letters down before you put someone's eye out.

I've never thought of horses as being able to be "leveled" before, but yeah, it's a distressing thought. I'll never eat Jell-o again...

I don't mate with the animals, mainly because the zoos around here tend to electrify the cages. I like having some energy, a little electricity to my sexual encounters, but that's pushing it. Also, I find that animals in zoos have their sex drives beaten down by their time in captivity. They just don't get into the mood as easily, which is a damn shame. They just can't keep up with me, poor things.

EVO! Woo! Another lost classic - hear that, you Vault people? :)

Anyhow, yeah, EVO's an oldie but goodie (for the SNES, by Enix, by the by). I've got to say, though, that the human sucked pretty hard for the "peak of evolution." I always preferred something with more points put into Jaws... I like the feeling of sinking my massive teeth into the soft, throbbing flesh of a young, nubile... oh, right, the game. Not for everyone, it should be said, and got kinda tedious, especially at the start. Worth it, though, and a lost gem.

1. I sincerely doubt FFIX will be the last in the series, unless it flops horribly, sales-wise, which is *really* unlikely. There's far too much money to be made from an endless series of FF games. Look at the James Bond movies. Look at Megaman. Look at Street Fighter and Parodius. As long as it's profitable, I expect the Fantasies to continue, in spite of their name.

2. It wasn't an official developer, that's true, but it did develop games, mass-produced them, and marketed them. Unlicensed or not, they developed and sold several titles, so I think they qualify as a developer, official recognition by the big N or no.

3. I think the public outcry would cripple the operations of any company that attempted as much. Religious matters are a very touchy subject, and making it into a game would be viewed by many as trivializing their faith. Moreover, how do you handle standard game conventions in a Biblical game: what happens if Moses reaches 0 HP? It's a minefield, and I think most developers would rather avoid potential moral and legal issues entirely.

4. Yep. It's kinda short, but for $20, I have no qualms about recommending it. At the very worst, you might find it kind of uninspired, albeit with superb music. Hopefully, you'll outright enjoy it. I certainly did.

5. The current record-holder was 100 questions in a single letter, which AK didn't want to answer, and I subsequently lost in a HD crash. Right now, though, I'd be highly tempted to give that a shot. I'd suggest we play "Stump the Agent", but I fear that wouldn't take too much effort. ;)

We report news as we get it, do not post spoilers to the main page where you are forced to get them, and get chewed out for it. Sheesh. I shudder to think of what you'll think of our Lunar coverage once it's released...

Really, if you think getting too much information on a game will ruin it for you, DON'T CLICK ON THE BLEEDING LINK. We're not forcing you to be interested in FF8. We're not forcing you to read all about it. We report what news we get, and it's up to you to decide whether you want to know more or not. Only you can ruin it for yourself, so don't blame us.

Two ideas: first off, it's a generic Evil Monster, perhaps a Behemoth, looming menacingly over the innocent moogle.

Alternately, it is the ever-imposing darkness of the Empire and their unrestrained evil, looming over the meek of the world and threatening to tear them limb from limb. The shadow is a metaphor for the collapse of world order that we see played out in the game, the corruption of the esper-exploiting patriarchy grinding the free and the good into the dust. Only through perseverence, meditation, asceticism and vegetarianism can you possible hope to battle against this growing darkness.

I'm afraid my talking mutant hand had to be amputated, put in a small brown envelope, and shipped off to the small European country of Latveria for study by its monarch, who assures me that it'll be returned safe and sound as soon as he's learned all he can from it.

In the meantime, I'll forward any letters of inquiry or wooing to Sara (that's the hand's name) upon request.

There are three sections of this maze. You're going to be heading westward, so keep that in mind. The Xenogears strategy guide has a map, but that costs money, so here's my attempt to explain it. First off, don't use your first-rank characters yet. Use some second-stringers, as you'll be needing your top dogs quite soon, in tip-top condition. Secondly, make use of Hammer's shop - you'll be needing some healing items.

All that aside, you're heading westward here. There are three main sections of maze here, each one progressively smaller. You can tell you're heading in the right direction if you pass through a long, gray metal tunnel. After running through there, you need to find the exit of the next maze section that, again, leads into a long, gray metal tunnel. The third maze section has a greenish tint to it. As soon as you see that, keep on going, as the area is smaller, and you're almost at another area where you can save and change characters. Hope that's of some help.

You see, this is what happens when I get sick - people go around and spread rumors that I'm planning to kill myself. Silly people. If things get really bad, I take it out on those around me, not myself. :)

Tifa, Cloud, and Barret leapt out of the train at different times, but there's a small time lapse between the scene where they leap and where you resume control of the game, during which time they all meet up again, play a hand of euchre, discuss the pros and cons of sex change operations, and then continue with their mission.

As for the Eidos-spawned bits of censorship, your guess is as good as mine. I suppose Eidos wanted to have FF7, being a bit of a sales experiment in the PC market, be available to as much of the populace as possible. How ripping "it" off is less offensive than ripping "them" off, I don't know. Many people had a lot of problems with FF7's translation, and I guess Eidos found it needlessly crude.

And that's all she wrote.

- Allan Milligan

Vote Zemo in 2000! He controls hope, so why not you?