Getting it on!

All right, kids and kittens. It had to happen sooner or later: the GIA letters column, Double Agent, is getting underway! Applaud and swoon at your convenience.

So, new readers might be asking, what is the purpose of a letters column? The idea is this: people send letters to some shmoe like, say, myself. These are letters of great passion and import, asking important questions, positing important ideas, or even just being self-important and rude.

Not that I encourage the last bit or anything.

Astute readers may note that GIA is not, as of yet, running. As in, there's no site. Yet. Yes, we're all hard at work at the Bunker to bring you the niftiest gosh-darn site there ever was, but in the meantime, we've decided that we need a voice for the site. A forum for questions about the site, and other subjects of relevance, to be fielded and answered. It's not going to be a 24-hour-a-day Plug-A-Thon, but it will give all of you an advance taste of what we're all about here at GIA, some hard information once in a while, and encourages y'all to come back each and every day. :) The full site may not be ready yet, but the only way we can prove to you, the readers, what we can do is by doing.

So who is this shmoe before you? Well, checking out my dossier would be a good start. And yes, I really do look like that. You never know what sort of fumes are seeping about the cities these days, y'know. In a more immediate sense, I'm Allan, the Double Agent. I previously served as RPGuru at another RPG-related website, and now, thanks to a little bribe slipped under my doorstep, I'm here as your official Double Agent, giving you the skinny direct from the source, then betraying you to Communist officials. Or something of that nature.

But enough exposition. I've got letters to answer and stockings to fill, so with all apologies to Eric Fogel,

LET'S GET IT ON!

Xenogears In Molasses Double Agent, I've been playing a lot of Xenogears lately (as have a lot of RPG fans!)and I noticed something really interesting. Many fans have been callingXenogears an "anime RPG." Yet the game violates the well known Second Lawof Anime Motion! For those who may not be familiar with said law, it isreproduced here for your benefit: Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science. The Gears in Xenogears, however, barely move at all! They stand around ina lumbering manner. When it's their attack turn, they waltz up to theopponents, hit them a few times, then waltz back. Where're the flyingthruster attacks? Where're the 18-hit combos moving faster than the eyecan see? Where're the relativity-defying instantaneous repositionings?These robots are slow and plodding! What kind of an anime is this? - Rosebud

Agent: Well, for one thing, Xenogears is a video game, not a piece of animation, which sort of hampers its capability to be insanely fast-paced. The pace of combat set in many mecha anime is such that any game that tried to replicate it would be an uncontrollable blur, a bright and flashy orgy of metal and destruction with the difficulty level of the Battletoads speed bike levels. In short, it would be impossible to win fights. And that would suck Beelzebub's nipple.

For another thing, Xenogears mech battles tend to follow more of a Magical Girls style of combat than a Macross or Gundam model. I mean, you've got four mechs standing around in close quarters, duking it out, and they're waiting patiently for each other to conduct their long, flashy attacks and combos. Taking turns at cracking open the communal can 'o whup-ass. It makes no sense, and follows a totally different scheme of mech combat. So, next time you think "man, these Gears sure do suck compared to the YF-21", just stop and think of them as a big, steel-played version of Sailor Moon instead. Still anime, but a whole different world.

Who Is That Masked Man? Dude, good to see you again. The web just didn't seem the same since you left RPGamer. What's up with that mask, though? Looks like maybe AK's been eating too much Mexican food, hm? - concerned reader

Agent: I use the mask to protect myself from the corrosive gases that steam forth from the World of Man, like pus oozing forth from a festering chest wound. Damn those evil companies. Damn them and their lack of concern for the environment. And their little dog, too.

Inventively Evil Allan- Is it just me, or has there been virtually no originality in villains,ever? It seems like no one can ever come up with a unique persona. Evenin the newer RPGs, no matter how good the plot is, the villain tends toappear, mutter about destroying everything, attack you, change into amore powerful form, and then mutters about you being more powerful thanhe/she thought, or disintegrates with some kind of rumbling noise. Theclosest there was to an original villain was Kefka, simply because he wasslightly deranged. Of all the things in RPGs that have been modernized,why has the villain been continuously overlooked? -Max

Agent: Max, the answer why all RPG villains are alike is simple: the designers need them to be dumb as hell. Despite what Dark Helmet tells us ("Evil will always triumph, because Good is Dumb."), villains are the drooling monkey boys of the RPG world. Why? Because they have to be, or the whole plot will fall apart.

It's like the old Batman TV series with Adam West and Burt "Now a porn director" Ward. Once an episode, Batman and Robin get captured by the day's villain. Now, an inventive, vaguely intelligent villain would take their new captives and just frigging SHOOT THEM. But they don't. It's dramatic license. The same deal applies to RPG villains: we could have some sly, insidious villains that frame you for capital crimes, or conduct guerilla warfare, or stab you to death while you're sleeping, but that defies the point of a game: to control. A really smart villain completely eliminates any chance of winning, and that's sort of boring. So we're stuck with moron villains who get thrashed, reveal their true form, and get thrashed yet again, because that's better for gameplay.

Of course, if you really want to have a well-done villain, you can always play Kagero: Deception 2, and BE the best villain you can be. :)

When in Rome... Great looking site, Allan! I'm really looking forward to seeing things get in gear. One question, though: E ludis delectatio? (heh, I'm a poet and... oh, nevermind...) What does it mean? - Elliott

Agent: It's a pun on E pluribus unum. Loosely translated, it means "From games, fun."

My alternate slogan, "Visit here daily or I'll thrash your sorry hides with my gold chains, suckah!", was rejected, oddly enough. Not highbrow enough, they said...

Fighting For Pixels and Prizes That's one fine mascot you've got there. Larissa knows how to be mysteriously and nonchalantly sexy in an age where video game femmes have about as much subltety and tact as an agitated bull elephant. Bravo. Hook me up, man. And if Kelvin has something to say about it... well, I can take him. - GIA fan -

Agent: Larissa, for those who didn't check the file names on the main page, is half of our GIA mascot team. The better, more sultry half. Kelvin is the guy in the armor. Yes, we named them.

In any case, GIA fan (we've got fans already? Hoo-eee!), I'd say your chances of scoring with Larissa are about as great as those of a horny thirteen-year-old being able to get it on with Lara Croft. Zip. Give it up, man. Video game characters do not make good sexual partners. Say it with me. Make it your mantra. Only by embracing the truth will you achieve inner peace. The truth shall set you free. Only the penitent man will pass... only the penitent man will pass... where was I? Oh, yes. Larissa.

Let me put it to you: even if you did manage to secure a relationship with a passel of pouty pixels like Larissa, I'm afraid it's not Kelvin you'd have to worry about, but Karen. Think it over.

Self-Indulgent? Me? Never... Allan, Congrats on your newest success! You make things happen...rock on, my boy:) The video game is a thrill I've never known. I'm computer-impaired. Just composing this electronic mail is enough of a challenge, but what can I say? If its important to you, its up front and centre in my world, too. I'm glad you've got yourself a new column after your stint as RPGuru (What does that mean, anyway?). Now you can go back to what you enjoy most- venting your insanity over the internet :] A brief and important note to all readers: Allan Milligan is cool. He's so cool it hurts. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of videogames and just about everything else. He's damn near genius. Come to him with all your questions...chances are, he knows the answer. That's right folks, Allan has all the answers. You may stop looking now. Best wishes, Emma.

Agent: *ahem* Now that I've finished blushing like a schoolgirl, my response... uhm... Y'know, the beauty of this letter is that I didn't even have to make it up. Ah, to be young, foolish, in love and connected to the Internet. It's a beautiful thing. Thanks for the letter, Emma, and I'll deliver the rest of my response in private...

Doesn't your life seem empty now? :)

And that, I'm afraid, brings us to the end of the very first Double Agent column. Want to contribute? Want to see your names in flashing lights and brighty, shiny colours? Got a question to ask, a thought to share, or a Mr. T quote to enlighten us all with? You'd damn well better. Send it in, send it in, send it in, and tune in tomorrow, same time, same channel.

Olé!

- Allan Milligan, Double Agent