Double Agent
There's just not enough getting down - March 30th, 2002 - Drew Cosner

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. This lacks production value. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Today's column may seem a bit rushed, and there's a perfectly logical reason for that: it is. I'm back in my hometown for the weekend, visiting friends and family in the short amount of time I have before spring break ends.

Oh, who am I kidding. My parents needed help hiding the corpses from the authorities again. Look, I have to get back to shoveling, or my mother isn't going to change the newspaper at the bottom of my cage tonight, all right?

Why thanks for asking!

hi drew! im not writing to get on the web site, i just wanted to see how you are doing! i like to make sure everyone is happy, do you want coffee, tea, soda perhaps? why i just wanted to check on you pal, keep up the good work.


Actually, my lower back has kind of been aching lately, if you wouldn't mind rubbing it a bit. I know you probably live in an entirely different state, so I'll offer you a deal: get a bus ticket, ride down here, and when you get in town phone me. Actually, screw that. I'll give you my address and you can take a cab. I'm not paying for the bus, either.

Sound good?

It stands to reason

MC Cozy -

I think the main reason that game musicals don't exist is because I can't think of any way to make them interactive without making it into either a PaRappa game (in terms of vocals) or a DDR game (in terms of choreography), and since I'm the smartest man alive, it stands to reason that no one else can, either.

On the other hand, I would kill several prominent politicians to play a game as Bing Crosby.

- An'Desha - Danny Kay would be really good at DDR.

I'm with you. I'd also add that most gamers hate musicals, so unless the musical segments were extremely clever and interesting to play, I don't know who the game would be marketed at. I guess they could just call Nich the "target audience" and ask him to pay the development costs. After all, he did purchase and enjoy Rhapsody, quite possibly making him the only person in America to do so.

To put it simply...
I hate plays. Plays are musicals 97% of the time. Wham bam boom.


Case in point. Although, what the hell, I'll play Devil's advocate for a moment: if they managed to find a way to make it fun, I'd play just about anything. I'm not the biggest rap fan in the world, but that didn't stop me from getting a kick out of Parappa. I'm also not much a fan of dissonant guitar meandering, but I still worked for a "COOL" in Lammy. So, yeah, those examples make minimal sense, but I think you get the idea.

Look, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, either. Let's just move along.

Your goal: failure

Count Drewku,

I would kill for "The Producers" game. The object would be to make the worst play ever written; you write the songs, of course). If your play lasts less than a week on Broadway, you get the good ending, and live it up with your Swedish grlfriend in Rio De Janiro. If your play's a hit, you get the bad ending because there's no possible way you and your partner will be able to cough up the cash to your pay off backers, since you were expecting a failure in the first place. It's like Harvet Moon, only you're trying to fail rather than succeed.

As for the Kingdom Hearts thing, at first I thought the project was going to be completely dictated by Disney. I was afraid that our "beloved" RPG elements were going to be tossed aside so Disney could improve their image by shoving their goofy characters(kill me now) down the proverbial throats of the gaming community. But then I saw this and realized that not even Disney can take one of the most traditional of RPG dungeons away from us. Kingdom Hearts is in good hands. Relatively speaking, I guess.

Torgo, hoping that Cid will be the same old crusty, swearing, mid-aged guy we've all grown to love.

I have to say, the idea of a game where you're aiming for failure is certainly unique. I suppose somebody will manage to cite an example, but I'm certainly at a loss to think of anything like that.

The adder of zeros

To who it may imply;

Game produces don't make musical games because you would lose the seriousness of the game. If that happened, then people would dub it a "kiddy game" and buy it for their eight year old nieces. I agree, I would of been cool in FF VII when you entered Costa Del Sol everyone started singing in a beach party way, and Barret would stand on a barrel and sing something like "Look at all the beach babes walkin' on the waves" in baritone while Cloud and Vincent backed him up, but it most likely would of ended up in 150,000 nieces birthday presents. Think general, non-gamer human nature here, people. But a review like "Hey, you got Dance Dance Revolution in my Grand Theft Auto!" would be pretty sweet.

-Zero, the adder of O's.

Well, I agree and I disagree. If handled inappropriately, yes, musical bits would be extremely out of place. However, musicals mainly draw an adult crowd, so I don't see musical segments as being inherently "kiddy." Then again, as we've mentioned whether or not developers could make them fit into the game and whether or not they'd want to are two completely different considerations, and I just don't see much of a market for it.

Still bitching

Drew or Cozy or whatever Erin's calling you these days,

What I want to see is games that bust [sic] out into song, and quickly turn themsleves into a rythm [sic] game.

The idea of a sudden quickening of the gameplay as a game explodes into song really appeals to me. I couldn't explain why at first, but I now realize that this is a technique already used to some extent in a lot of games - the music will often change to something pacier and more uptempo as the action starts, whether you're playing Final Fantasy 7 or Devil May Cry.

I've also decided that having the characters in an RPG burst into song might just be the best way to break up otherwise tediously long dialogue sequences, so I'm all for the idea.


I figured I ought to print literally the only letter I got that was unequivocally in favor of the idea. Despite his patronizing use of the [sic]. The first one is a common colloquialism, and the second is just a simple typo or spelling error. Damn, man.

Closing Comments:

Okay, I have a topic I'm going to give you, even though I'm sure it's not exactly going to rake in the letters. Ces't la vie. So here it is: what do you think of Jet Grind Radio Future, from all you've seen? Yet another addition to an unpopular series you couldn't care less about? A Godsend to satiate your JGR cravings? Or maybe an effort that makes enough amends for its predecessor's shortcomings that you're interested to hop on board? Then again, what's the deal with this Xbox shiznit, anyway? Let me know what you think, okay?

Note: Yes, shiznit is a stupid word choice, coming from a pasty dork like me, but I'm not generally supposed to say "shit." Oh well.

-Drew Cosner

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