|I Love Love You - February 14, 2002 - Erin Mehlos |
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed
within this column are those of the participants and the
moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the
GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive
Don't feed the Bitch.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
It has come to my attention that all Valentine's Day discourse can and should be conducted through those chalky fucking conversation hearts.
Naturally, this inspired a scheme to save myself some work: how about instead of actually taking the time to compose thoughtful and sensitive responses to the Valentine's Day slushpile, I just duck out the back, as it were, and reply to everything with a candy heart like I did in the first grade?
Unfortunately this plan was flawed: I wouldn't give Necco Monopoly money for their chalky fucking conversation hearts. Luckily, I was able to make my own; a course of action with the obvious advantage of allowing me to be as vitriolic in candy heart form as I am in hydrochloric acid form. The practical upshot of all this being that, if you can't stomach candy hearts capable of unblocking the toilet trap, get the hell out of here now. If you think you can, well ... enjoy. It's not just like eating chalk -- it's like eating chalk half dissolved in gastric acid!
i wrote this cuz i dont like this holiday. it's lame.
thank you, thank you...
Valentine's day is fun only if you're single. Then you can give people
cards. Once you have a "signifigant other", simply put, you're broke.
Every night before I sleep, I say a little prayer that Hallmark stores
across the US will collapse. Damn those people =P.
But on a lighter note, I hope your day is filled with pleasent
commercial-driven interests. Face it, what girl doesn't like getting
flowers, or candy, or something ? The wrong thing to do, is expect it.
Here is a thought Erin... Why don't they have a romantic RPG couple with a
new twist: the female lead is overweight, slobbish, and has low self esteem.
Despite this, the male lead (or female, if they're lesbians) is very
understanding and sees past things like 60 unwanted pounds and a bit of arm
hair. By the end, after she participates in, say, five hundred random
encounters... By the last dungeon, she'd be at her ideal weight and it'd
turn out that under her self-defeating attitude and lard she is a really
beautiful person. THEN we can have an "Eyes on Me" theme going because the
girl earned the beauty on the outside (through killing stuff, apparently)
that she always had on the inside: that what the hero saw all along. Then
they go and crack the psycho bishonen villian's head open.
Is it Black Thursday already?
Well, I'll probably end up drinking myself into a
stupor. Of course, I could attempt to play through Rez
while intoxicated, which would enhance the experience
of that trippy game. Rock.
Hey, at least I'm not going to eat a whole tube of
Pillsbury cookie dough, unlike some people I know.
-Torgo, destroyer of SPANKED up madmen.
Hello Erin Mehlos,
Valentine's Day... I can't think of a more depressing day, really. Yes, that
is a negative perspective upon the holiday, but then again, people have
histories to blame upon that crap.
Hey, I don't think that there is one person out there in the world that
hasn't had an infatuation with a person, whether it be the opposite sex, or
the same sex (just generalizing, hafta be politically correct, y'know). But,
being the charming heterosexual that I am, I find that Valentine's Day sucks
hard. Why is that? Maybe it is because whenever I look at a picture of my
heart's desire, I feel like melting into a puddle of love mush. Maybe it is
because when I see other couples at my school, I look at myself and wonder
"if this is so special for them, then why am I not in a relationship?" Maybe
because whenever I play games from the Lunar series I feel so touched by the
relationships the main characters have with each other.
Am I on my own with this, or are there other people who feel this way? I
feel like that loner sitting on the edge of cliff, as the wind blows by my
cheeks; and he then watches as the one person he desires to spend the rest
of his life with, and whom he wishes had the same feelings for him, walk
away towards the setting sun, never noticing his eyes watching her, nor
realizing the admiration he has toward her.
"And though I try, 'I love you'
Is just so hard to say
If I only could be strong
And say the words I feel"
The Xenosaga music video from RuliWeb is probably what best describes what I
mean. Joanne Hogg has a beautiful voice, but a last name that isn't.
The perfect gamer's valentine: it involves hearts, romantic sentiment, Cute
Animal Characters, quirky game references AND a reference to an INternet
Really, what more could you ask for?
PS: SHould that fail to make you go "awwwww!" (you heartless being), then how about about cute
Dear Agent Erin,
To commemorate the Second Most Massively Commercialized Holiday Denoting The Death of a Christian Martyr (after Christmas, the big Consumption Orgy itself), let us
reflect on what gaming, RPGs, and anime have to say about dating and the ideal mate. With due respect to the RPG cliche lists compiled by other, more worthy
individuals, I give you 'The (short) List of RPG/Anime Dating Cliches'
1. "Younger Is Better" Rule - as a friend of mine once said, if there's grass on the field, play ball. By the time any RPG or anime gal is 18, she is already past her prime
and ready to settle down. Don't be left out. (see every anime and video game ever made)
2. "School Uniform" Corollary - a girl in a school uniform is sexy. Always go for the girl in the uniform. Knee-high socks are a PLUS. In medieval times farm-girl outfits are
the ideal substitute. (see every anime ever made)
3. "Priestess" Rule - women involved in religious organizations are attractive and surprisingly available. Nuns and priestesses make great girlfriends! (Grandia II,
4. "Victoria's Secret" Rule - all women, regardless of age or race or occupation, have, at MINIMUM, B-cup breasts. Your main love interest will ALWAYS tend toward the
low end of the scale. Ladies with very ample assets are just sex objects, Amazonian eye candy to boost sales.
5. "Akane" Rule - many times the most vehemently anti-male, tomboyish girl is the one that everyone else wants. Why that is, no one can say.
6. "Aerith/Rinoa" Rule - if, on the other hand, the main female love interest is a)ethereal b)demure c)super-nice than she will either die tragically or turn out to have
awesome magic powers that will make sure you NEVER break up with her.
7. "Tenchi Muyo" Rule - the most average looking, most socially awkward male character will get ALL the girls. However, he will never get to hook up with any of them
because they are all jealous of each other so any romantic time alone with your chosen sweetie is impossible.
8. "Ranma" Corollary - oftentimes, the girls who like you will have other suitors. You will be forced to battle all of them even if you don't want any of them.
9. "Life Is Not Pr0n" Rule - having multiple girls is a sure way to get 0 nookie. Monogamy is Best (see Fei and Elly in Xenogears). Playas are always punished.
Threesomes never happen unless it is an actual H-anime or RPG you are watching or playing.
10. "SuperCuts" Rule - the main male love interest will ALWAYS have spiky hair. (see Van Fanel, Tenchi, Cloud, Squall, Tidus, etc. etc.) Long Haired Males are always
evil or the slightly homo-erotic best friend.
11. "Sword of Omens" Rule - ladies, the main hero will always use a sword. Don't bother with the guys with gloves, or guns, or staves, or bows. Go straight for the main,
I'd add more things, except my brain doesn't seem to be functioning correctly (damn my years of heavy drinking).
-JC, who's been in love with Lynn Minmei for-EVER
Give flower to:
... My perfectly dorky way of saying Happy Valentine's Day. So have a good
one, Erin and everyone at the GIA. Make sure your special somebody buys you
flowers and chocolates and a fancy dinner tonight! Or I'll send hired thugs
to beat them up!!
PS: I've haven't forgotten about you, Cosner. I'll be fantasizing about you
in the "@#@$#&%" room after I pick up my dress and wig. Rowr.
It was the spring of '99. Birds were singing, bees were trying to have sex
with them, and I had just finished FF7 for the first time (I discovered it
fairly late, alright? Sheesh.) Things were looking up, especially since my
parents had, quite handily, just bought a new computer, complete with a
connection to that newfangled 'Internet' thing.
"Hmmm," thought Brooke. "I wonder if there's anything about FF7 out there?"
And so it began.
I wandered online, staring wide-eyed at the wonders to be seen. Fanfiction!
Fanart! Walkthroughs I wished I had discovered before!! And so, eventually,
I made my way to a small site known as the Squaresoft Fan HQ. Some of you
may remember it, some might not. All I know for sure is it had a gigantic
forum, populated with some of the oddest characters this side of a Neil
Gaiman novel. And eventually I was accepted into their little society, where
I met a wonderful guy.
As of this writing, we've been together for about three years. Thanks, Final
Fantasy 7. Without you, I would have never met my fiance, and Deus only
knows where I would be today.
My apologies to anyone who didn't get a valentine. And anyone who "read" this "column."
Rest assured, tomorrow it's back to the usual DA grind. I want your thoughts, once you've shaken the inevitable hangover from your heavy drinking, on Sony's online plans and/or the roster of online titles they've announced.
Till then, don't eat too much clearance Valentine candy -- my shoes smell enough without the generous contribution of your hurked-up chalky fucking conversation hearts.
- Erin Mehlos