Double Agent

Happy Valentine's Day from the Agent

I Love Love You - February 14, 2002 - Erin Mehlos

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't feed the Bitch. Don't say we didn't warn you.

It has come to my attention that all Valentine's Day discourse can and should be conducted through those chalky fucking conversation hearts.

Naturally, this inspired a scheme to save myself some work: how about instead of actually taking the time to compose thoughtful and sensitive responses to the Valentine's Day slushpile, I just duck out the back, as it were, and reply to everything with a candy heart like I did in the first grade?

Unfortunately this plan was flawed: I wouldn't give Necco Monopoly money for their chalky fucking conversation hearts. Luckily, I was able to make my own; a course of action with the obvious advantage of allowing me to be as vitriolic in candy heart form as I am in hydrochloric acid form. The practical upshot of all this being that, if you can't stomach candy hearts capable of unblocking the toilet trap, get the hell out of here now. If you think you can, well ... enjoy. It's not just like eating chalk -- it's like eating chalk half dissolved in gastric acid!

i wrote this cuz i dont like this holiday. it's lame.

Crappy Day.

thank you, thank you...

Posty Jr


Valentine's day is fun only if you're single. Then you can give people cards. Once you have a "signifigant other", simply put, you're broke.

Every night before I sleep, I say a little prayer that Hallmark stores across the US will collapse. Damn those people =P.

But on a lighter note, I hope your day is filled with pleasent commercial-driven interests. Face it, what girl doesn't like getting flowers, or candy, or something ? The wrong thing to do, is expect it.


Here is a thought Erin... Why don't they have a romantic RPG couple with a new twist: the female lead is overweight, slobbish, and has low self esteem. Despite this, the male lead (or female, if they're lesbians) is very understanding and sees past things like 60 unwanted pounds and a bit of arm hair. By the end, after she participates in, say, five hundred random encounters... By the last dungeon, she'd be at her ideal weight and it'd turn out that under her self-defeating attitude and lard she is a really beautiful person. THEN we can have an "Eyes on Me" theme going because the girl earned the beauty on the outside (through killing stuff, apparently) that she always had on the inside: that what the hero saw all along. Then they go and crack the psycho bishonen villian's head open.


Is it Black Thursday already?

Well, I'll probably end up drinking myself into a stupor. Of course, I could attempt to play through Rez while intoxicated, which would enhance the experience of that trippy game. Rock.

Hey, at least I'm not going to eat a whole tube of Pillsbury cookie dough, unlike some people I know.

-Torgo, destroyer of SPANKED up madmen.

Hello Erin Mehlos,

Valentine's Day... I can't think of a more depressing day, really. Yes, that is a negative perspective upon the holiday, but then again, people have histories to blame upon that crap.

Hey, I don't think that there is one person out there in the world that hasn't had an infatuation with a person, whether it be the opposite sex, or the same sex (just generalizing, hafta be politically correct, y'know). But, being the charming heterosexual that I am, I find that Valentine's Day sucks hard. Why is that? Maybe it is because whenever I look at a picture of my heart's desire, I feel like melting into a puddle of love mush. Maybe it is because when I see other couples at my school, I look at myself and wonder "if this is so special for them, then why am I not in a relationship?" Maybe because whenever I play games from the Lunar series I feel so touched by the relationships the main characters have with each other.

Am I on my own with this, or are there other people who feel this way? I feel like that loner sitting on the edge of cliff, as the wind blows by my cheeks; and he then watches as the one person he desires to spend the rest of his life with, and whom he wishes had the same feelings for him, walk away towards the setting sun, never noticing his eyes watching her, nor realizing the admiration he has toward her.

"And though I try, 'I love you'
Is just so hard to say
If I only could be strong
And say the words I feel"

The Xenosaga music video from RuliWeb is probably what best describes what I mean. Joanne Hogg has a beautiful voice, but a last name that isn't.

~Chris Pioli

Dear Erin--

The perfect gamer's valentine: it involves hearts, romantic sentiment, Cute Animal Characters, quirky game references AND a reference to an INternet meme.

Really, what more could you ask for?


PS: SHould that fail to make you go "awwwww!" (you heartless being), then how about about cute baby dragon?

Dear Agent Erin,

To commemorate the Second Most Massively Commercialized Holiday Denoting The Death of a Christian Martyr (after Christmas, the big Consumption Orgy itself), let us reflect on what gaming, RPGs, and anime have to say about dating and the ideal mate. With due respect to the RPG cliche lists compiled by other, more worthy individuals, I give you 'The (short) List of RPG/Anime Dating Cliches'

1. "Younger Is Better" Rule - as a friend of mine once said, if there's grass on the field, play ball. By the time any RPG or anime gal is 18, she is already past her prime and ready to settle down. Don't be left out. (see every anime and video game ever made)

2. "School Uniform" Corollary - a girl in a school uniform is sexy. Always go for the girl in the uniform. Knee-high socks are a PLUS. In medieval times farm-girl outfits are the ideal substitute. (see every anime ever made)

3. "Priestess" Rule - women involved in religious organizations are attractive and surprisingly available. Nuns and priestesses make great girlfriends! (Grandia II, Xenogears, etc.)

4. "Victoria's Secret" Rule - all women, regardless of age or race or occupation, have, at MINIMUM, B-cup breasts. Your main love interest will ALWAYS tend toward the low end of the scale. Ladies with very ample assets are just sex objects, Amazonian eye candy to boost sales.

5. "Akane" Rule - many times the most vehemently anti-male, tomboyish girl is the one that everyone else wants. Why that is, no one can say.

6. "Aerith/Rinoa" Rule - if, on the other hand, the main female love interest is a)ethereal b)demure c)super-nice than she will either die tragically or turn out to have awesome magic powers that will make sure you NEVER break up with her.

7. "Tenchi Muyo" Rule - the most average looking, most socially awkward male character will get ALL the girls. However, he will never get to hook up with any of them because they are all jealous of each other so any romantic time alone with your chosen sweetie is impossible.

8. "Ranma" Corollary - oftentimes, the girls who like you will have other suitors. You will be forced to battle all of them even if you don't want any of them.

9. "Life Is Not Pr0n" Rule - having multiple girls is a sure way to get 0 nookie. Monogamy is Best (see Fei and Elly in Xenogears). Playas are always punished. Threesomes never happen unless it is an actual H-anime or RPG you are watching or playing.

10. "SuperCuts" Rule - the main male love interest will ALWAYS have spiky hair. (see Van Fanel, Tenchi, Cloud, Squall, Tidus, etc. etc.) Long Haired Males are always evil or the slightly homo-erotic best friend.

11. "Sword of Omens" Rule - ladies, the main hero will always use a sword. Don't bother with the guys with gloves, or guns, or staves, or bows. Go straight for the main, phallic dish.

I'd add more things, except my brain doesn't seem to be functioning correctly (damn my years of heavy drinking).

-JC, who's been in love with Lynn Minmei for-EVER

Hi Erin!

Give flower to:

Erin <---

... My perfectly dorky way of saying Happy Valentine's Day. So have a good one, Erin and everyone at the GIA. Make sure your special somebody buys you flowers and chocolates and a fancy dinner tonight! Or I'll send hired thugs to beat them up!!


PS: I've haven't forgotten about you, Cosner. I'll be fantasizing about you in the "@#@$#&%" room after I pick up my dress and wig. Rowr.

It was the spring of '99. Birds were singing, bees were trying to have sex with them, and I had just finished FF7 for the first time (I discovered it fairly late, alright? Sheesh.) Things were looking up, especially since my parents had, quite handily, just bought a new computer, complete with a connection to that newfangled 'Internet' thing.

"Hmmm," thought Brooke. "I wonder if there's anything about FF7 out there?"

And so it began.

I wandered online, staring wide-eyed at the wonders to be seen. Fanfiction! Fanart! Walkthroughs I wished I had discovered before!! And so, eventually, I made my way to a small site known as the Squaresoft Fan HQ. Some of you may remember it, some might not. All I know for sure is it had a gigantic forum, populated with some of the oddest characters this side of a Neil Gaiman novel. And eventually I was accepted into their little society, where I met a wonderful guy.

As of this writing, we've been together for about three years. Thanks, Final Fantasy 7. Without you, I would have never met my fiance, and Deus only knows where I would be today.


Closing Comments:

My apologies to anyone who didn't get a valentine. And anyone who "read" this "column."

Rest assured, tomorrow it's back to the usual DA grind. I want your thoughts, once you've shaken the inevitable hangover from your heavy drinking, on Sony's online plans and/or the roster of online titles they've announced.

Till then, don't eat too much clearance Valentine candy -- my shoes smell enough without the generous contribution of your hurked-up chalky fucking conversation hearts.

- Erin Mehlos

Recent Columns  
Double Agent Archives
The future is online. The future ... is now.