Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Who? Me? Seriously? Don't say we didn't warn you.

Here I am: the largely unknown DA scion, Erin Mehlos.

I'd intended to open tonight with the stirring tale of how, confined to a crumbling dungeon reeking of vomit and stale cat urine (otherwise known as the Arbor Hills apartment complex), I managed to claw my way free with the aid of one of those little Colombo snap-together yogurt spoons when I heard the DA clan was without an heir.

But in the end I figured that such an attempt at witticism would just result in a mind-gnawing series of confusingly overlong sentences like the one above and said "Hell with it."

Probably you've read some of my letters in the past, and you've already surmised that I love to write, I love games, and I love to write about games. I'm also good with things like appositives.

'Nuff said. Let's go.

While the predominant sentiment among the letters I received today was hopeful encouragement and delicate suggestion, I also got a few letters in the general vein of "Welcome to DA. We're watching your every eyelash-flutter in the hopes that you'll screw up and allow us the pleasure of devouring your flesh, soul, and firstborn children, if any," or "You're not [insert favorite DA of the past here] - BURN!"

This short, sweet epistle, though, summarily says it all.

For all the skeptics and naysayers, I can say only this: You poor, lamentable wretches. Juggled from shepherd to shepherd, increasingly afraid to become too attached lest you be hurt again. If this keeps up, you're all going to grow up to be anxious and ambivalent lovers, constantly worrying that your partner doesn't really love you and eventually driving him or her away with your intensely irritating clinginess.

I aim to do everything in my power to stick around, and moreover to see to it that you all mature into secure, dependable individuals, unafraid of emotional proximity.

Not the thought-provoking missive I deserve

The short that's shown before "Monsters, Inc." The one with the xenophobic avians on the telephone wire... I think the bald birdies at the end of look like oglops. Of course, I may just think that because of the wet bouncing noise they make. They probably wouldn't actually *taste* like oglops. I know. You deserve a more thought-provoking missive to welcome you to your new post. Something pithy, sage or subtly provocative. No reason why you should suffer on account of my lack of inspiration. On the other hand, there's no reason why you shouldn't. Welcome aboard. -big squirrel

You're absolutely right. I'm an untested, virginal DA, and I haven't yet earned anyone's respect, let alone a thought-provoking missive. For all you know, I may introduce you to levels of suckiness never before encountered in the human sphere of experience.

But:

"To quote a famous old army general...."

To quote a famous old army general, I don't know what you're up to and I don't care to know, but as long as we're in good hands I can't fault you for something you haven't done. or, something like that. What I'm trying to say is, good to have you here and I look forward to week after week of witty gaming commentary, or if that isn't your thing, witty commentary on a subject to be announced at a later date. Hopefully, like, tomorrow or something. so, yeah, videogames... ilameda, loving the fact he bought a 100 hour rpg the day before mgs2 and golden sun

Yeah. Video games.

A lot of you sent me lists of questions, personal and otherwise, that you wanted answered, presumably in hopes of gaining some insight into the mind of your new DA overlord. None of which I've printed.

Not that they weren't excellent and flattering and delectable - I just wanna forgo the gooey welcome love fest, forget this whole period of civil unrest ever happened, and do my best to get DA back on track. This column's not about its host; it's about - Hey! Are you listening to me, Ian?!

It had to be said, I suppose

r u h0t??/ ~Ian P.

Deliciously, lip-smackingly, bloodflow-reroutingly so.

Now, having addressed that supremely pertinent and imperative concern, let's do something fabulously unorthodox and talk about games for awhile.

Can't get no satisfaction

Well... looks like you're new meat for the grinder, so to speak. But hey, I'm sure you'll do a great job! On to my question. Final Fantasy X looks great. I've been drooling over movies and screenshots for the past couple months. Although some of the voices leave something to be desired (cough... Tidus... cough), I think it will be a worthwhile game. Many of my friends call me a "Square Whore" because I pretty much enjoyed all of the older, as well as the newer Final Fantasy games. Although FF8 was choppy, and FF9 had some bad points, I still thought they were great games. I also love Vagrant Story, FFTactics, Xenogears, and most of the other Square games that have come out over the years. Mainly because I get this strange sense of satisfaction whenever I beat a Square game, like I've accomplished something. This feeling has been lacking from many RPGs I've played, notably Valkyrie Profile(and yes, I got the best ending). Honestly, I just want a new player in the RPG realm to step up and take command. I want someone that challenges Square so that in the end, we get better games. Anyway, I'm going to go work on Dragon Warrior VII now. Ktallguy

I just finished Saiyuki: JW yesterday. I have to say that, while I enjoyed the game for the most part, the ending left me rising from the couch with a sigh of "There's 30 hours I'll never have back."

I think that the Final Fantasy series has always done an excellent job of imbuing their characters with an evolving personality and an emotional direction. As we play, these little sprites and texture-mapped models grow and change, and at the end of the game, they've achieved something as people, whether it be coming to grips with their traditionally tragic pasts or learning not to be quite such a cold-hearted jerk-off. And we, having seen their development through, feel comfortable and satisfied bowing out of their "lives."

There can be only one answer: they must not find us attractive anymore

Why is it that major RPG companies can't do dual country releases of RPGs? With games like FFX you know it's a given that it will also be released in the US. So why can't they work on both versions at the same time? It always seems like localizations are not started until the day the game hits Japanese shores and this makes the release of the US version months and months after that. I have patience and can wait but I don't understand why they sometimes wait so long to start the localizations with big name titles. Pendy head webmaster of the Dragon Quest Dragon Warrior News Network

Good question. In the past it certainly made sense to put off localizing a title until it was clear it'd be well-received. Given the success in the US of FFVII and its successors, however, I must confess that aside from some speculation as to the difficulty of translating a game in progress piece by piece as opposed to tackling a finished entity, I was stumped as to the myriad possible reasons for this. And so I bumbled into the staff channel to avail myself of their collectively infinite knowledge.

One theory ran that, while it makes financial sense to release a title like MGS or SH2 ASAP in the US, where sales will undoubtedly match or exceed those in Japan, a game such as FFX can and will typically sell near twice the units domestically that it does Stateside. Just think; Square could move millions of copies in the additional time it would take to putter around with simultaneous development, which brings me to another excellent point.

Most of the time, a goodly portion of the development team is also responsible for at least some of the translation effort. Undertaking two mirror versions, so to speak, would be difficult to say the least, and not very practical, as many changes are often made to a game in its final stages of development.

Never mind the extra cash to be made at the expense of eager importers who can't wait for a domestic release and ultimately buy both....

Give that girl a stick

G'day! Welcome to DA. I just had to shjow my evil side and say that Ico in absolutely no way appeals to me. I have yet to play it, but despite all the reviews, all the artistic debate, I am not a platformer/puzzle person, and the entire atmosphere arguement fails to impress me. Maybe I am just jaded at the art concept cause it rings too close to graphics-whoredom to my taste, but nothing I have heard in any way appeals to me. Plus, no matter how well done, save the princess is way to cliched for me and the fact that some random hopeless female (tm) needs me to guide her by the hand pretty much out of some castle is not appealing. I'd rather let her die and/or learn to be self sucficient. If I can swing a stick to beat up bad guys, why can't she? Why can't I just let her die and get on with my life... I don't know her, I'd feel nothing. Efrate, Kefka's distant cousin and Golbez's other brother.

I'm printing this not only because it serves as a nice "And furthermore...!" to Chris' column of yesterday, but because I'm oddly proud of the feminism pervading this letter; partly because it inadvertently raises an issue pertinent to gaming, and partly because it makes for a nice segue into this other letter:

Now it's official

Erin, Hello. No, really--I mean it. I don't think you're even officialy the Double Agent until I send a hello letter. Ok so that's probably not the case, but indulge me for a second, will you? Anyway, congratulations! Its always interesting to see how each new DA runs the column, and I look forward to reading what you're got to say. Speaking of what you have to say, consider this a way to try and start things off: With yesterday's Ico topic, and my little fascination with the title, its pretty easy to see that I've still got the thing on my mind, so why not ask the new DA a thing or two to try and fulfill my curiosity? Of course, this is all moot if you've never played the game, but if you have, I've always wanted to know how it resonated with the female part of the audience. Namely, the game is seemingly built to touch base with a male demographic. Yorda is obviously the basis of the game's trademark emotional attachment, but I wonder how much of that stems from the whole "helpless, pained girl in need of help" thing. Like one letter yesterday mentioned, the game is going to touch any bit of compassion that the player may harbor, but is this lessened in the female audience since they are, well, females as well? I think it still does something, since everyone probably would feel sorry for her, but I can't help but think the reaction is stronger for us guys. Any insight? -Justin Freeman

I'm not bashing ICO, but, albeit slowly, society's changing; the game-buying demographic's changing. How much longer will carrying the damsel in distress back home to Daddy's castle be able to stay afloat in today's market?

Justin raises a pretty pointed question. Efrate, a male gamer, is turned off by the thought of having to (literally, in this case) lead some hapless girl by the hand to safety. How much longer is the world going to be content rescuing princesses and sticking the token female (usually a healer low on HP) in the back row of their battle party?

Sad but true, I have not yet played Ico, a formidable impediment to my commenting. Coincidentally, though, I'd already had every intention of renting and playing through it this weekend, at which time I'll get back to you, probably in the form of a topic. Not today, though.

Closing Comments:

I had to refrain from printing a lot of perfectly fabulous letters today due to the crushing amount of mail I received and my desire to make tonight's column as game-oriented as possible. To those of you who poured the whole of your creative genius into your perfect works of welcome and didn't have them posted, my apologies.

Tomorrow I wanna talk about a game that's largely evaded the scrutiny of DA: Suikoden III.

When this RPG underdog's latest installment appeared at the Tokyo Game Show, it sported a few flaws that may have been helped by a couple more months in the oven.

Well, blessed be, Konami has since delayed its release. Do you think they intend to tune up Suikoden III before turning it loose on the market? Do you think they've given themselves ample time? Do you even care?

Let me know.

-Erin Mehlos, not to be confused with Buddy Christ