Rocket Dogs And Beyond - September 13, 2001 - Brooke Bolander
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I read the news today, oh boy. Don't say we didn't warn you. Well, while there might not be a Bear or Rocket Dogs among today's bunch, there are a few that certainly come close. However, I plan on making this a once a week thing if you guys enjoy it, so if you didn't get an idea printed today you'll eventually get your chance next week. That goes for most letters, but...well, you know what I mean. My own personal game idea wouldn't get any numbers for creativity or wackiness, but I would still kill to play it. In Evil Co. you control not the dashing young hero/heroes, but the villain - you heard me, the villain. Your entire goal is to escape the pursuing party, cause strife and pain for them, set off nefarious traps that the dimwits will walk into, and then just sit around and wait for them in your Fortress of Doom. If you win in the final battle, you get the 'good' ending, with your wicked alter-ego taking over the world. If they beat you, you get the 'bad' ending, which would probably be the heroes frolicking naked through a field of fuzzy bunnies and flowers or something. Eh, it's just a pipe dream, but so are most of these letters - crack-pipe dreams, that is. Oh, and in other news, I've just gotten my first official piece of fan art. It's quite good actually, and I'm really not sure if I should thank Obsidian Zero or be terribly, terribly afraid of him. Good job anyways - eat your pretty-boy heart out, Thor. My group of five stalkers could beat your legions of fanatical groupies in a heartbeat. Let the head-trip begin. | Don't Bogart that game, dude. | | Well I can't honestly think up anything wacky or funny right at the moment. But here's an idea that's been bugging me for a while. Well, I suppose you COULD find it a funny game idea, if by your definition of 'funny' you mean 'Utterly pipedream-esque idea due to the need for expensive production design without the benefit of commanding corporate resources on the scale of Suzuki, Mikami, or Sakaguchi' How about a game that plays like Detective Film Noir? It'd be in black and white and use simple shading (not cel-shading, just simply textured panchromatic black and white greyscale that gives it that stylized art look of the era) and the framerate would be LOCKED at 24fps because even 30fps (not to mention 60fps) would look like cheap video and ruin the cinematic mood. With this low locked framerate the majority of the processor could be used for camera and environmental effects like depth of field and smoke. (ie the hero walks by an ashtray and the cigarette smoke wafts in a different direction because of the small eddies of air current he generated.) There would also be instances of Volumetric lighting. The reason for this? To contribute to the utterly cool atmosphere that is Film Noir. You would be in a game world with a sense of scale and detail that Shenmue had (with a fully realized locations and NPC's, likely have a similar control and navigation system) except you do something other then walk around and use the cigarette vending machines all day. :) You'd have a choice of 6 different cases to work on, and when you solved them all, you unlock a 7th case in which you'd need to use the information you gleaned from the previous cases to solve. Once you solved that 7th case you can go back and redo the previous cases but you also have to achieve a much harder 'secondary objective.' Each case episode would have a certain mood to it. You could have a classic dark film noir plot for one, and a lighthearted comedic case for another. Make it real-realtime, so a minute in the game world translates into...a minute in the real world! so if you needed to search a house in the middle of the night (as not to cause suspicion) you'd actually have a few hours to fully explore the place. But this could lead to problems if you have school or a job and, for instance, you needed to do something at 4pm in gametime, and you're never at home in real life at 4pm, you could change the time in the game by napping in your office or car which would fast forward the day to the time period you needed. You could choose between a young PI a middle aged PI or an old PI and the gameplay would reflect your choice. (expect lots of fistfights and gunplay if you chose the young PI, and more puzzles and battles of the wit with the old PI) At the end of each case the ending was slightly different depending on your style of Investigation (ie 'get the girl' if you avoid harassing her co-workers for information too much) and the game would keep a constant user profile (UPS) with statistics like 'Bullets fired', 'people knocked out', 'number of times you've been knocked out'. 'alcohol consumed', 'money spent' etc. The camera would be placed like it was being directed by a film noir director. And you'd have an appropriate period (jazz?) soundtrack. Yeah I know you were looking for something with a little (read: a lot) more irreverence. But I just had to try. Evilkeen | I like, I like....but you're wrong on one account - this could definitely be played for laughs. Sure you can have all these nifty innovations, but the storyline could be slightly off-kilter and comedic. I guess some of you might be too young to remember Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but that's a pretty good example of the 'hard-boiled detective story' getting spoofed to hell. Good ol' Eddie Valiant - c'mon, even that name is a gag. As a matter of fact, I'm getting a really strong Tracer Bullet vibe off of this idea. "I keep two Magnums in my desk. One's a gun, and I keep it loaded. The other's a bottle, and it keeps me loaded." Ahhh Bill Watterson, if only you had gone into games... | Ugggh! | | Make a cooking game where your goal is to figure out how many ways there are to cook a Chocobo... And if you think I'm kidding about any potential appeal, check out the toastyboards. =P -turandot, who's against eating Chocobos | ...Okay, that's just disgusting. Why not eat a basket of kittens while you're at it? "Ooooh, here's a nice plump one...Awwww, lookit it claw! Back into the pot you go, lil' guy!" Yuck yuck yuck. Have none of you seen the sickeningly adorable beastie that was Bobby Corwen? How could you eat that face? My Tonberry says to tell you all that you're a bunch of sick shits - his words, not mine. Eating beloved FF mascots is wrong wrong wrong. | I'm dead meat. | | The game is called Let's Not Wear Any Pants. The object of the game is to horrify as many people as possible with your public intoxicated nudity while avoiding the police. If at any time you are killed, arrested, wearing pants, or sober, you lose. The game has no ending and therefore cannot be "won", because Winners Don't Use Drugs according to some old FBI guy. -J.S. Powell | You call that original? Pfft. We GIA staffers play this game at least once a week - I dunno if you noticed it, but drunken cavorting sans pants was one of the requirements on the DA resume. Hell, beloved GIA personality Drew Cosner gets caught playing this every few days. He's even found the super-secret bonus level, Let's Lie In The Gutter With Mr. Vomit Puddle! Yeah, I'd have to say Drew's the reigning champ around here. ...I am so dead for this... | And speaking of Drew... | | I want a cross between one of those virtual Dating Simulator games and Drew Costner. ..... ..... It's funny just thinking about it. I don't really know why. -Peter Breen | If it was set up like Princess Maker, I'd buy it. Make Drew put on new and interesting outfits! Guide him to his next profession - will he be a sassy barmaid, a devout churchgoer, or both? Increase his (fake) bust size! And when he's all grown up and ready for the world, make him go on horribly embarrasing dates, ala Thousand Arms. Drew Maker 2001 - it'll be big in Japan, I just know it. | Virtual Hamster. | | Alright, here's one. "Hamster ball". Something of a racing game, where you, the hamster, are involved in hamster ball races. Of coarse, you'll need to stay in shape by using your hamster wheel to pump up, not over eat, and avoid the family cat. Later, you could unlock special Twisted Metal style races where you'd have the ability to fire flaming wood chips at other hamsters. It's late. This is the best I could come up with. (my attempt at making you believe I could be funnier) - zombie | Well, it's not exactly what you want, but in Japan there's an actual hamster sim. Yes, live through all the trials and tribulations of hamster life! Not only that, but there's evidentally a wrestling game you can make your hamsters engage in. God bless Japan. If Ka wasn't the best game idea EVER, then this takes the cake. | He parties like it's 1899. | | I sent a letter... But you change the topic! Damn you, stupid bitch... Damn flakey women should not be in journalism. - Neorune | It's always nice to see that good ol' American macho posing is alive and well, even in these dark times. I apologize for any stress not getting a letter published may have caused you, and I promise to go back into the kitchen and get cookin' that thar possum for mah boyfraind as soon as possible. ...Well, just as soon as I kick you in the balls with my favorite pair of steel-toed Dr. Martens. It's rather hard to think of interesting letters to write with a pair of testes lodged in your frontal lobe, isn't it Neorune?... | Game Of The Year. | | It's great! It's great!!! In this game you have THREE RABBITS! ARGH! There is a number on each rabbit. Rabbit #1, rabbit #2, and rabbit #4! Hee hee! Now release the rabbits! They're out! Now, It's the player's job to FIND THE RABBITS!!! The player looks and finds rabbits #1, #2, and #4, but where's rabbit #3!? ARGH! WHERE'S #3!? There IS NO RABBIT #3! Hee hee! And the rabbits are cute! Oh my God! Find the rabbits! Find #1, #2, and #4, but you won't find #3! -Schaffer | Congratulations, you've just won the contest. Your prize? This lovely white canvas jacket, complete with straps! And that's not all, oh no. You also get a fine padded room at beautiful Arkham Asylum! Enjoy your stay; lord knows you seem to need it.... Oh, and if I may be so bold to ask - what about Rabbit #5, Schaffer? What about Rabbit #5?!!... | Magical Mystery Game. | | Hey Brooke, I will produce the following video game when I am rich and famous anough to finance a game producition "Dream Team", right after I bring back zepplin travel and ocean liners. Why not make a game starring the biggest band ever... that's right, the Fab Four themselves.. THE BEATLES!!! Now I know that they aren't quite as big as they were back in the day, but more young people seem to have begun embracing their music recently because of the high-selling "1" greatest hits album. And if Mary Kate and Ashley can have their own games, I think The Beatles would do just fine. The game itself would be something of a mixture of genres. There would be a heavy rpg influence, but it would all be kept very lighthearted. The concert scenes could be rythym based, and maybe americans would finally have a game that uses the guitar peripheral. Action sequences could be worked in here and there. The famous shots of the boys being chased down the street in the begining of Hard Days Night could be redone in the style of the Crash Bandicoot chase scenes. Thered be a decent amount of stratgey managing the band as well; where they play, when, what the setlists are to be, etc. all to please the fans. Since the Beatles are often called the first real "boy band," there might be a bit of dating sim thrown in just to tie it all up. lets just say it would be a real game, rather than just some marketing scheme like KISS Pinball. As far as the graphics, I see it as a combination of several styles. A funky design and camera work like Parappa, a bright color palate as seen in Klonoa 2, and cell shading by the Harvest Moon 2 team. And we'd all love to see Amano's take on the Fab Four. ^_^ I know it'll never happen because it would be TOO MUCH if a niche game, but so were Harvest Moon and the first DDR games. Who knows? *your mother should know * :) -Action Jackson, who'd play the Easy mode where Yoko doesnt exist. | As much of a fan of the Beatles as I am, and as...erm, 'interesting' as this sounds, I'd rather not even see someone attempt it. All the past attempts to feature rock groups in video games have turned rather sour, and unless you really did have a 'dream team' working on this, I fear what it would turn into. Besides, the Beatles have been getting milked for all it's worth for the past few decades; don't you think it's time for a rest? The ending would be a bit depressing, too. The lead character gets gunned down by a crazy man, another nearly gets stabbed to death and begins dying from cancer, and the other two fade into sad obscurity, unless you count playing Mr. Conductor a 'success.' No, the only way I'd play a Beatles-based game was if it was really Yellow Submarine-ish. With a Parappa-design, that could be really cool.....hmmm. I wonder if it's worth risking another "Revolution X." | ...And Gord said, "Let there be a game." | | Yes indeed, the Acts of Gord simulation game, wherein you play as Gord, proud owner of Gamer's Edge. But your tasks aren't simply limited to the sale and rental of games, no sir. The meat and potatoes of this game involves beating and humiliating the many people trying to put The Gord out of business. You'll face late rental people who refuse to pay, young miscreants trying to sell pirated games, and you'll need all the resources at your disposal to stop them, and stop them you will. Sometimes defeating your enemies is as easy as sending them to collections, but other times, direct physical confrontation is necessary. You'll set out traps with used $5 Genesis titles to lure the thieves out, and then you'll strike using The Gord's patented "into the wall, into the van, and into the wall again" attack, all done while maintaining a sharp wit. All this, plus end bosses like "little bitch" and "crazy lady" ensure that fun will be had by all. Watch for this title, coming soon from Akklame. ~Jason Alexander | I kid you not, I actually had this exact same idea right before I started on today's column. How insanely cool would a Gord sim be? We all know how much of a badass Gord is - legend says he kicked two punk's asses at once - so the possibilities for this title are endless. With a razor-edged wit, you could slash away at Canada's stupidest...words cannot say how badly I want this game. It''d be like Clerks, only with games! Please, game companies, take heed. Give us The Gord. We beg of you. | Preposterous!! | | Okay, here's the idea: you take a bunch of some company's key franchises, say Nintendo or Konami. Then you get them together, heroes, villains, flavour characters. But here's the catch- they don't fight, they race in go carts! ....What? Why are you looking at me like that? It could happen! - Davon | ....That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. Just....just get out of my sight. I can't even look at you. Who the hell would play that kind of tripe? | Two down, several to go. | | Hello Brooke, My game is called "The Drunken Adventure of a Boy and his Monkey." You are a nearly nude, one-eyed homeless monk, without ownership of items except for a moogle suit and a rusty, steel wiffle bat possessed by the spirit of a dwarf vampire monkey. You must chase down and beat to death The Eight Sages of Shag, so you can stop being a freak in a moogle suit. Work your way down the social ladder from homeless to lawyer, to executive to game develo....um, to other lows in your chase, all the while beating your monkey, in your wiffle bat. If you beat your monkey, against your enemies, enough, you can get to bonus levels with new depths depravity. . Thrill as you flood the networks with increasingly stupid sitcoms. Chill as you save a damsel in distress, then save the world in a formulaic ending. Be shocked when you are forced to take care of celebrities. Eventually showdown with the Sages of Shag in a duel to the pain, you know, like in whatchamacallit ..."The Princess Bride".... including even notorious Andre the Agassi. Lose and be a freak forever on some gaming website. Win and get some pants, women, and a life. | I'd say this was stupid, but in truth this poor lad is only recounting a run-in with our own Andrew Vestal. You've all seen the moogle suit, and I swear to god, if he asks me to touch his vampire monkey one more time... *That's two of my betters successfully alienated in ONE column! Keep a running tally folks, we'll see how many more I can get to before I'm beaten senseless by AV's hired thugs.* | I still preferred Bear. | | I'd come up with a game idea, but really. Is there anything we want to see more than Rocket Dogs? -Hojo | You're 100% correct, kind sir. No matter how wild, insane, and wacky our game ideas are, Rocket Dogs will never be topped. The funny thing is, I can't even remember the basic premise of the game (I assume it had to do with rocket-propelled dogs) but the legend has grown to such massive proportions that I'm as worshipful as the rest of you. It was funny, that's all I can recall. Anything with Rocket Dogs is gonna be pretty fuckin' cool. | Wrath Of The DA. | | Okay, here's a funny concept: There's this insane sword-wielding villaness named Brooke who's hellbent on destroying... no, it's just too hillarious! I can't go on. El Cactuar P.S. Please don't smite me... | Awww, don't worry, I won't smite you...whyever would I do that? Oh, and if you hear something skittering across your roof tonight, and see a vague shadowy figure armed with a katana, don't wory, okay? It's probably just the pizza boy. | ...There's nothing I can say. | | We had a local festival just last weekend, and one of the featured rides was a blow-up Titanic slide for children to slide down into some blue blow-up water. No one else really seemed to take it seriously that I thought it was extremely disgusting. To relate it to games... do you think that the attack on America will ever be made into a game? I mean, the Titanic was made into a slide for children, and we play startegy games where we can be the Nazis, and many wars have board-game translations.... I dunno... just a lot of awful sputtering on my part. For a game idea, I just think it'd be extremely cool to have a Square version of Smash Brothers (not entirely inventive on my part, but I still would love to see it!) or perhaps a Chronicles of Narnia RPG. Not very funny or un-thought of.... but just things I'd love to see happen. *sigh* This letter won't get printed, why do I even bother! (did it work?! ^^;;) | That's the sad reality of time, consumerism and this victim's culture we're living in - everyone wants to cash in. Pearl Harbor and the sinking of the Titanic are turned into big-budget movies, and people smile and go watch them. Months after Oklahoma City statues of firemen holding dead kids were being sold. Princess Di gets killed in a car wreck and out come the freaking collector's plates and musical tributes. People make money out of death and destruction. They're the world's biggest jackasses, but they are out there. No matter how horrible or disgusting the event is, it's going to get exploited - that's how capitalism works, hurray. Hours after Tuesday's incidents, people were busy on Ebay selling bits of the World Trade Centers. A game based on this? Sure, in sixty or so years when no-one really cares anymore. Heck, they'll have shirts out featuring it in a year or two. The grim, vaguely nauseating truth. And I don't want to hear how bloody insensitive I am for talking about this; it's the cold truth. I don't like it any more than you guys do, so don't jump on my case, alright? Thank you. Closing Comments: That last letter depressed/disgusted me somewhat, and I don't really feel like thinking up a witty topic for tomorrow. So just consider it a free day, okay? Have a recess, and I'll see you all tomorrow. Take care guys. -Brooke Bolander, off to take a nap. |
