Little Monsters -
May 15, 2001 - Alex Annis
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed
within this column are those of the participants and the
moderator, and do not necessarily reflect those of the
GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive
material afoot.
If sleep wasn't necessary, I'd be a lot happier right now.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Howdy all. Today's column has a few pictures added to it, so sorry about an extra loading you may have to sit though. You
come expecting text, but end up with a nice bonus. Aren't I swell?
| He just wants to show off |
| Hey Alex,
Got RPG monster? Well, allow me to enlighten you:
-Game: Final Fantasy Tactics (of course)
-Scenario: Inside of Limberry Castle (map 43, to be precise)
-Situation: The group of adventurers / world savers of FFT (leaded by the whiny ass / cool guy Ramza Beoulve), tries -again!-
to beat the "Godfather of badasses" Marquis Elmdor (oh, wait, he is now VAMPIRIC ELMDOR!!! so he is a monster, not a
human). He is the kinda guy that could kicks Snake´s or Ashley´s b-hind anytime of the day.
Why Elmdor rocks? I´m glad you ask:
1. He is old, wise, tough, sharp looking and a snappy dresser too! (Isn´t that always a plus?)
2. His Genji armor and equipment makes him one of the best dressed, fashionabily-deadly guys in the entire game, and he
haves the Masamune, one of the most feared swords in the game (ok, maybe it doesn´t stand against the Holy Chaos Blade,
but it´s waay cooler: the Chaos Blade it´s so... "godlike" -if you catch my drift-).
3. He hangs out not with one, but with TWO GIRLS!!! Damn, that should be the main reason of them all. And they´re not your
average bad-guy-groupies, mind you: Celia and Lede are between the most deadly enemies in GAME HISTORY: if they touch
you, you´re dead. Simple. 100% chance dead spell. (Maybe if you are lucky, you just enter "Stop" status... and then, they kill
you). Talk about dangerous dates...
Why I wouldn´t mind be the Big Kahuna of badasses himself? Well, reasons aplenty:
1. My enemies only have a 10% chance of hitting me (safety first!)
2. I can go wherever I want, thanks to the never-failing teleport spell (teleport 2)... bye to the traditional transportation systems.
3. Well, a Masamune sword always come in handy... permanent Regen and Haste... yess!
4. Again, those Celia and Lede are really hot... too bad they become Ultima demons when they die. Hmmm, although...
(nevermind that).
Well, finding an Elmdor pic is harder than you will think, so I´m sending you my very own pic, with my personal "Celia and
Lede" look-alikes... (too bad they haven´t "Ultima" me yet... nevermind that too).
Pablo, que no cree que haya vida después de FFT... Y después de todo, para qué demonios sirve el trabajo de mimo, si todo
lo que hace es imitar???
|
I suppose if you're going to pursue life as a monster/villain, you might as well go after one of the most pimped out ones in
existence. What more could anyone ask for than cool attire and a woman in each arm? Well, unless you're female, but that's
beside the point. Being an all-around badass and tough guy doesn't really hurt, either.
And have you been waiting for a topic like this just to show off that picture? It's not that hard to find a picture of Elmdor.
| Low expectations |
| Mr. Annis,
I find your question a little confusing. What kind of monster would I WANT to be? I'd probably want to be the Succubus
from Phantasy Star -- a pain in the ass to kill, and when someone goes out of their way to do it, I'd only be worth a piddling 10
experience anyway.
What kind of monster would I probably ACTUALLY be? I'd most likely be a slime from the Dragon Warrior series -- small,
inoffensive, and easily splattered across the landscape. Le sigh.
-Some Random Jerk
|
| It won't be that bad |
| I'd want to be a dw slime, because they're always smiling and happy.
spotted slime
|
Being a slime may not be as glamorous as, say, being Elmdor, but it's still a role that needs to be filled by someone. Don't
worry about getting destroyed, either. At least you'll get splattered everywhere with a smile on your face.
| And I thought I had a problem... |
| Cactaur Rules!
I've been trying to make Cactaur a little more popular myself, starting with my roommates in college. They were hooked once
they saw Jumbo Cactaur and the Cactaur summon in FFVIII. We've all got plush dolls, and we even named our Programming
group after Cactaur as you can see at coweb.cc.gatech.edu/cs2340/290
Not that I'm obsessed.
DJag,
Chief Summoner of the Cult of Cactaur
|
It's bad enough when one person has an addiction problem, but it's a true tragedy when they bring their friends down with
them. That said, I'd like to intervene and help you all recover from your unhealthy Cactaur obsessions. The first step of the
process involves sending me all your Cactaur plush dolls for safe keeping until you learn to control yourselves. I promise I'll
give them back... someday...
| A life of bliss |
| Well, of course, if you include the bosses, then Gilgamesh is the clear choice. But in terms of random encounter baddies--I'd be
a Marlboro. I don't care what Final Fantasy you're playing, and I don't care how powerful your characters are. I don't care if
you have "Proof of Omega" or the "Desert Rose." Those things are a serious pain in the ass to fight, much less to kill. So these
upstart kids with legendary weapons and ultra-powerful summons sweep across the Esthar plains, destroying my buddies in
their path, all I'd have to do is rear my ugly head and they'd toss a Smoke Bomb as fast as they could. No one gets hurt, and I
live on, blissfully content in my warm swampy home.
--Almasy Marquis
Key West, FL
|
For some reason I only ran into Marlboros in Final Fantasy VIII when I actually went looking for them. In Final Fantasy VII,
on the other hand, they seemed to attack me all the time, which drove me nuts because I was always unprepared for them the
first time I'd encounter them in an area, and they'd end up wiping the floor with me. Square should really boost the HP of a
Marlboro one of these days and make it one of the super hard hidden bosses along the lines of the Ruby and Emerald weapon.
| You'd better watch your back |
| Did a lot of thinking about this, actually; tonberry would've been one of my first choices. I mean, the first time I saw him (FF7) I
laughed my butt off, as it staggered closer and closer to me...and then the stabbing began. How cool is that?
However, I have strong memories of the frogs too, for the same reasons-you laugh until you're a frog. Oh yeah, I could change
people into frogs, baby...
Still, I like the Red Dogs-the ones you face in the volcano- from Chrono Cross, and would probably choose that. I gots loyalty,
a fiery personality, and can summon big red monsters too. So I'll go with that...until I finish Persona 2, 'cause those monsters
are fun.
DIM-who might pick another monster, but he's at work...
|
Final Fantasy VII was also the first time I was introduced to Tonberry, and when he pulled his knife on Cloud my jaw hit the
floor. I was already angry about the fact that he was still alive despite my barrage of attacks, but taking out one of my
characters sent me through the roof. Having learned that I couldn't make fun of him and had to use some tactics against him, I
just decided to run away a lot and not risk anything. Yeah, I'm a wuss.
| RoboYamauchi |
| Alex--
The GameCube logo looks like the OCP logo from RoboCop.
-Xenodin
|
Yep, there's definitely a strong resemblance there. Kind of freaky, isn't it?
 
| Time to get out the hammer |
| AHH AHHH
It has voices
That means dubbing, unless we're really, really lucky
That means paaaaaaaaaaaaaain
|
I was so proud of everyone for not sending in letters about Final Fantasy X, but then I got this. One troublemaker had to go
and ruin everything for the entire class. For your punishment, I'm extending the FFX letter ban for another day now. Hopefully
this will teach you all a lesson.
Just because FFX plans to use voice acting doesn't mean we're doomed quite yet. As Square's biggest title at the moment, you
can be sure that they'll give it the treatment it deserves. They got together a terrific cast for Final Fantasy: TSW and I'm sure
they can do it again.
| Hey, it looks like I'm not alone |
|
I would be an Iron Giant or a Behemoth, simply because they kick butt. That, or a Mover.
As not to make this letter insanely short, I will go on a quick diatribe about FFX, which is an old topic, but forget I said that.
Why is everyone bashing FFX so early? Ever hear the saying, "Never judge a book by its cover"? Just because it looks like
FFVIII does not mean it's going to be the same thing. There are many connections between the successive versions of Final
Fantasy, but none of them are the same thing.
So, while I feel it's okay for people to have doubts, I think it's kinda early to be judging something like this. Especially with
the small amount of info we've gotten on it.
-Alex-Jon, whose name is hyphenated, unlike yours.
|
Finally, someone who sees things from my perspective, and a perspective that I'm sure many readers have in common. People
can doubt it all they want, but until they actually play it, I really don't want to hear that the game is going to be terrible. It's a
wonder that Square still produces the series, since everyone always complains about the titles before they're released. If you
don't think it'll be good, just ignore it and quit pestering the people that are looking forward to it. Now, on to the Closing
Comments, which I finished before getting this letter and don't feel like rewriting.
Closing Comments:
As fun and interesting as discussing Final Fantasy X's "faults" would be before any of as have played it, we're going to stray
away from that topic once more. Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft are all holding their major pre-E3 conferences tomorrow, so
I'd like to hear your thoughts on the announcements they make. The GIA, along with those other sites, will be updating
throughout the day, so you should have plenty of news to read about before writing in.
Alex Annis, who wants to be anything with wings so he can just fly away
|
