Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I like cookies! 8D Don't say we didn't warn you.

OK, heres the deal kids and other ppl: Drew has been abducted by mutant aliens that look like cows except green. And now he's in there space ship being anally probed making it really hard to type. OK, so he wasn't able to do the column today, but since he's a really great friend and ally of mine, he past off the column to me for a day.

Hey, you back their! I see that. No sobbing. Its gonna be fun :P ;) I definately have been wanting to do the column for a while, so lets get this started!

Wasabi Drew,

/* commence thick sarcasm

I'd say (or at least the Japanese government will) that the most shining (read: stinking =\) example of the RPG genre is Enix's much-delayed, much-hyped, much-bought opus of poo Dragon Quest VII. I figured I'd download from IRC what was shaping up to be the best selling RPG in history. I mean, 4 million + Japanese people can't be wrong, right? Right? ....Right? The first time I popped this baby in my PSX, what greeted my eardrums was the loudest sucking sound I've ever heard. Hmm... the music and graphics are um... _interesting?_ (translation: CRAP). Well, you don't need great graphics to make a great game (Langrisser and Growlanser are perfect examples of poo graphics with amazing stories and flawless gameplay), but sadly (or maybe hilariously) DQ7 is umm.. retro. Yeah, that's a nice neutral word. I'm loving the SNES throwback graphics and music, but SNES story and gameplay!?! Its just too good to be true! (NOT) Why would I play FF9 when I can play such a masterpiece of suckitude? The world may never know. The world may also NEVER forgive Japan for perpetuating such a tragedy. I recently asked a Japanese friend of mine why DQ was so popular despite its obvious inferiority to FF, and the only reason she could come up with is the fact that is has such a long history behind it. But I ask you this: Isn't FF just about as old? And almost all FF games are of higher quality than their DQ counterparts. The mind boggles.

-himajinga

end thick sarcasm*/

Way to take a positive topic and use it as an excuse to make fun of a game :P Its in Japanese so like you ever played it. Pssh. Just talk to the hand.

OH SLAM! HAHAHA

Okay, why do I hate Microsoft? Well I can't say that I hate them with every fiber of my body. I do have to thank them for essentially creating the modern PC industry, which in a few years will hopefully make me a rich man. But let's start listing reasons to hate MS.

Unfair business practices--This is the big one folks. This one spans everything from charging companies twice for the same copy of Windows, to forcing other programs like their web browser on the comsumer alongside their OS. My personal favorite would have to be the general fear they instill upon onther companies, particularly the OEMs. Any company that starts supporting other OS's (Linux, BeOS) risks bringing the wrath of Bill down upon themselves, possibly finding themselves forbidden to have any further dealings with MS. Seems like the kind of stuff a guy might get taken to court for, huh ^_^

Shoddy products--Don't believe everything Noah says, Windows is certainly a hell of a lot buggier than Linux. Noah is most likely confusing problems with individual pieces of software with problems with the OS. Programs crash, that is a fact of life, it happens in almost every operating system. But assuming that just because, for example, Netscape crashes just as often in Windows as it does in Linux therefor Linux is as buggy as Windows, is wrong. The software crash has little or nothing to do with the OS. But when 5 minutes later, Windows locks up completely and forces you to reboot, that is a problem with the OS. In the time that I've had my computer, I've had Linux crash once, and that was because I just had way to many programs running and overloaded the memory (was trying to see what it could handle). I've had Windows on the same machine crash on me more than that in one hour. That is what I call a shoddy product.

But anyway, I'm can't say this will make me outright not buy an X-Box. I'll definately play the waiting game this time, and until then, enjoy the hell out of my Dreamcast. BTW if you haven't played Sakura Taisen 3 yet, take a quick course in Japanese, import it as soon as possible, and have fun. "Crappy Japanese dating sim" or "Finally a good RPG without random encounters"--you make the call.

-Aunt Jemima--making the world better with waffles and syrup

And now we get to here from the anti-Windows camp. I know what your saying, too, Aunt Jemima. The other day some friends brought their laptops over and we set up a LAN and were all playing Quake and it was awesome, but then the (@*#&$ computers all started crashing every 5 seconds :P We were all "what's up?" so I can see why ppl would get mad at M$.

However, its not cool to not buy a console just cuz of who makes it. Sometimes I think ppl dont realize it, but it's all about the GAMEZ :> That's what makes or breaks a console. Raise the roof.

Hey Drew,

Instead of addressing the best RPG, I'd like to address the 2 qualities an RPG needs en masse -- a deep battle system and consistent character development -- and give what I consider to be the best and worst examples of each:

1.) Battle Systems: Best: Hands down, it's got to be Chrono Cross. Ever since FF4 broke out of the horrific turn based model of fighting, RPGs have been copying the ATB system, mainly because no one could come up with an innovative system that worked. Go figure, right? The only ones who can outdo Square is Square itself. Worst: Secret of Mana, in all of its incarnations. Never before has there been so exploitable a magic system. I mean, come on people, at least Secret of Evermore forced you to choose what magic you wanted to have learned at any given time (and that game still sucked.)

2.) Character development: Oooh, there are so many games that get this right to some degree and so many that screw it up. I'm not going to pick a "best" one (if you pressed me I would say Chrono Trigger or FF6), but there are two otherwise great games that really suck eggs in this category: Chrono Cross and FF9. Why? CC had a lot of characters, some of which were just plain crap personality wise (Mojo, Skelly, etc.) and although I think the idea of having lots of characters is great, having only several really well developed characters is much more entrancing. FF9, however, managed to screw up even more, as 3/8 of the main characters served no purpose other than as traditional FF archetypes -- Quina, Freya, and Amarant. The only development Quina gets is in the form of two completely optional sidequests and Freya ceases to have a reason to be in your party about halfway through disc two. Fratley: "No, I don't remember who you are." Freya: "Sucks to be me. So, Zidane, what are you doing now?" I don't think I was supposed to, but I ended up loathing the three for being so void of raison d'etre. Even Beatrix had a well developed personality! Am I to take it that all the money being spent on graphics is being taken away from character design?

-Neil

Yeah, I'm totally down with both of your pizoints. A great RPG needs to have both of these things to be really great. And in FFIX after disc 2 Freya is about as useful as... something not useful. Let's see you come up with something funny for that :P But at least quinna was funny. Quinna was comic relief, which FFIX needed at a few parts, definately.

In fact, that reminds me of another banal story involving uninteresting events from my personal life that you probably couldn't give a rat's ass about. Me and some friends were up at the arcade playing Tekken, and these two people got in a huge argument and were all screaming at eachother and stuff, and when they finally got asked to leave the hole place was all quiet and samber. But then my friend is like "they should be on Jeerry SPringer!" and everybody laughed which lightened up the moment. He was like our Quinna 8)

Dear Drew,

Trying to decide which RPG is the biggest "shining example" of what RPGs should be is rather difficult, seeing as being different from the RPG trend is considered such a big plus in the industry today. But after ruling out all others, there is Chrono Trigger. This game was a true gaming milestone in my mind. Square and Enix... Mitsuda and Uematsu... the biggest names in RPG history joined forces to create a killer game. They even had friggin' Dragon Ball Z guy doing the art! This truly was a gem amongst gems. It had everything that makes an RPG good. Deep but fun plotline, like-able characters, hated villains, killer battle-system, excellent scenarios, innovative extras... heck, even the mini-games were the best the genre had ever seen! The best people making the best game for the best genre, I can't think of any other game that can truly be called as legendary as Chrono Trigger. *except perhaps Crispin's Quest :)*

-Yo' buddy The Gooch

P.S. Anyone who disagrees with me is a dumb...ducker!

Yea. saying whats an RPG and whats not is kind of hard, so it's hard to say what makes a shining RPG when you can't even really define an RPG. I don't know what Drew was thinking with that topic. I guess the space cow's evil mind rays got to his head! ;)

Oh, and lol @ Crispin's Quest ;)

Drew,

As Maksim, one of the main characters of my new book Pyramid, says, we hate Microsoft for the same reason we hate weeds. See, why do people (gardeners in particular) hate weeds? Is it because they block the sunlight from reaching the grass? Is it because they suck the nutrients out of the soil? Hell no. It's because weeds are survivors. Weeds can grow just about anywhere, even in the cracks of a sidewalk in the middle of a sweltering summer. They can glean nutrients out of even the rockiest soil. We kill them -- we "hate" them -- because they make us jealous. They make us jealous that we can not live nearly as efficiently as they can. So, since they can't speak up to object, we kill them. We prefer the blanket of easily clipped grass, we prefer the pleasant way it feels under our bare feet. Nothing like the hideous, misshapen leaves of weeds. Damn pests is what they are. Spray them with weed-b-gon and watch them Be Gone.

However, weeds don't provide us with things we can't live without. Weeds don't provide us with the most efficient computer operating system and the best browser for downloading bizarre pornography. Weeds don't entertain us mildly with countless real time strategy games like Age of Empires II. Weeds don't produce the finest damn word processing program. So it's okay to spray weeds and watch them wither and die, fertilizing the grass with their nitrogen.

We can't just kill Microsoft, though, because, if we did, how the hell would we live? Would we have to learn to use Linux or something? I'll be damned if I'm going to change around stuff on my computer, people will think, because, well, it came PACKAGED with Microsoft Windows ME or whatever. Why dare to change things if it requires effort?

So we all end up with a horrible case of itchy hose attachment trigger finger. We know we hate Microsoft, yet, because they have us brainwashed and/or eating out of their hands, we just verbally disagree with them while doing nothing to harm them in deed. We can't ALL live as "well" as Bill Gates, the man who, even in diminished form, represents all things Microsoft. So we hate Microsoft, and we hate Bill Gates.

Same goes for Starbucks.

Yeah. Well, I think I drank too much Red Bull. My mind is going hyper. Small can, lots of power.

--tim rogers, who hopes people don't take this letter to be indicative of some kind of communist presence in american values, because he didn't mean that at all

That's such a sad story man. *Sniff* Now I feel bad about all the times I killed weeds. And stepped on bugs. >_<

Salutations Cosner,

Why do people hate Microsoft so much? Well, they're a gigantic beast of a corporation that weilds nearly unfathomable power throughout the tech industry. They walk a fine line between 'smothering bloat-ware corruption' and 'progressive user-enabling innovation', which sets everyone on edge. If Microsoft were to become more corrupted than innovative we'd suddenly have a multi-billion dollar demon capable of decimating any vaguely competitive force that may arise. The competitive strife within a healthy industry forces developers to quicken their paces and strengthen their products, so the notion of losing that competition scares the crap out of people.

What's the most shining example of RPGdom? That's a wholly subjective question, since everyone sees the genre differently. Going by the D&D alpha-standard, Neverwinter Nights kicks the ass of everything to ever appear on a sissy little console (gasp!)... But considering console RPGs are of a newer standard, they deserve their own rankings. The most internationally-accepted, graphically-pleasing, gameplay-balanced, musically-nifty, nostalgia-inducing console RPG of all time would likely be Final Fantasy 6. This judgment is passed purely by a democratic view of global popularity... Though DraQue8 maims all of Final Fantasy in Japan, it doesn't do jack outside of its homeland. And while Pokémon is seemingly omnipotent, its watered-down nature excludes it from our little game. Final Fantasy is the most well-rounded series in the genre, with FF6 being held in the highest overall regard. It's not my personal favorite by any means, but I'm not much a fan of ultima movies like The Godfather, either. ::shrugs::

Thoughts on Xenosaga: Square has been spreading itself pretty thin lately, so I'm strangely pleased to hear that the Xg team is working with Namco. Anyone that has seen the Perfect Works book will have a very solid idea of how far-reaching the Xenogears opus is intended to be... While I have heavy doubts that they'd be able to fill in all of the installments of the story, it would seem that the one[s] they are planning to engineer now ha[s/ve] huge potential. The timeline will present a race capable of engineering living weapons, transport-capable wormholes, and society-supporting spacecraft -- just imagine how powerful the Gears will be.

Thoughts on FFX: Finally they show something. I guess it's pretty nice, though we'll really need to see some direct-resolution images soon (to find out just how detailed the textures and models are). Not much else to say right now, save groundless speculation... Oh, and I would like to mention that I know a guy who has two different colored eyes. While he doesn't have any amazing elemental-summoning skillz, he is a well-paid programmer at Microsoft. S'about the closest one can get in real life, I suppose.

Fade to black.-

Jagger

Yea, plyus now mebbe we can get a real ending instead of this all "Hi, you're on disc 2! I'm not a game anymore. Now I'm a book. Sucks to be you spending all 50 bucks on me!" stuff. And FFVI definitely 0wn3d, so I'm with you on that won. Besides anybody who likes Pokemon is lame or a little kid, right? ;P

You're really asking for it with this topic, Drew.

I don't hate Microsoft. I used to, just like everyone else, until I realized I had no reason to. I use Outlook instead of Eudora because Outlook is more stable and fully-functioned. I use IE instead of Netscape because IE lays out webpages quickly, accurately, and stably -- while Netscape has morphed into an incoherent open-source hack. I use Microsoft Word because it's a standard, fully featured word processor that's easy to understand. In short, if Microsoft delivered mediocrity, I'd hate them -- but they don't, so I don't mind their monopoly. I switched to Microsoft products because their functionality made my life easier, and if something better comes along, I'll switch away just as quickly.

After TGS, Microsoft has Dead or Alive 3, Jet Set Radio Future, and a new Panzer Dragoon game as exclusives -- this in addition to the previously known enhanced ports of Metal Gear Solid 2, Silent Hill 2, and other Konami games. Microsoft is releasing a train simulator for the Japanese market and intends to launch with a mahjongg game. Unlike the PSX Yaroze program, which fizzled out before it had a chance to take off -- Xbox has a realistic program to support independent console developers. Despite initial criticism and a few serious missteps, Microsoft has become one of the most respected and lauded PC game developers in the business. In short, history has taught us never to bet against Microsoft. Five years ago, Sony was an upstart outsider too; now you have people loyal to the PS2 with the blind zealotry usually reserved for Nintendo and Sega -- you know, companies that actually produce software. I'll judge the Xbox by the games and the games alone. TGS showed us a few surprises; E3 wil no doubt have a few more.

And really -- the Xbox couldn't POSSIBLY have a worse first year than the PS2, could it?

For my thoughts on the best RPG that encompasses everything I love about the genre, just link to my Panzer Dragoon Saga vault. :) Tah tah,

- Andrew

What's up Andrew Vestal? It's cool that your all the UOSSHP d00d and reading this column. Right on. but I have to call you on this one: everybody knows Windows is gay compared to Linux. Only cool ppl use Linux. Its more stable and stuff, and its getting more programz by the day. MS will so go down!

But like I said before, its about the games, so yea, if MS can come up with a decent launch line-up and stuff, they could do okay.