Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Don't blame me - I voted for Cthulhu. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Dubbyle Agynte: A Comedye in Two Acts

A play by Lord Avon
Performed by the Gaming Intelligence Theatre Company

ACT ONE: RELIGION IN GAMES.

[Enter FRITZ and several LETTER WRITERS.]

Can't argue with you there, although I can think of a few exceptions. (Shiva/Siva is a Hindu god, as just about every Final Fantasy fan knows by now, and Miang's last name Hawwa is the Islamic name for Eve.)

As for your second request, I think historically accurate RPGs are going to remain a minority as long as any RPG without peppy young adventurers and magic spells (but only magic spells that take fewer than three seconds to animate, mind you)is beaten down for "selling out."

Excellent point, and one I'm surprised that no one addressed earlier (at least too knowledge). Science gets an even worse rap than religion in the gaming world -- I couldn't even begin to count the number of RPGs in which some ancient civilization collapsed because (gasp!) their technology became too advanced. Or the number in which robots randomly decided to overthrow humanity, just 'cause. In the immortal words of Mr. Leonhart, "...whatever."

And, as you point out, there's also the shaky science incorporated in an equal number of games (e.g. flying to the moon by speeding up a ramp in FF VIII). My personal pet peeve: World maps that wrap around both north-south and east-west. This would be possible if the world was donut-shaped, but many RPG worlds are shown to be sphere-shaped. Spheres do not wrap around on both axes. (Does flying north from Canada put you in Antarctica? No.) The worst offender in this category has got to be Skies of Arcadia, in which one of your party members specifically states that because the world is a sphere, it must wrap around both north-south and east-west. You're wrong, bucko.

There's also the fact that most RPG planets are so small that they wouldn't come close to the Earth-like gravitational effects that they all seem to display. But we can't get too nit-picky.

Nope, we're not actually making any money off the commercials.

I could take some humorous potshot at you for misinterpreting our goofy commercial introduction, but you brought up a great point in your next paragraph. While I wouldn't necessarily say that mocking religion is cool, I think you're correct in stating that references to Western religious in games is blown out of proportion. Game developers love to throw in references to any classical source they can get their hands on. This has been going on since at Bahamut's appearance in the first Final Fantasy (or earlier), and it's only attracted flameage lately because developers have turned towards sources with which Western audiences are most intimate.

After all, most of the game references to non-religious sources are equally fruity. Valkyrie Profile's mangling of Norse mythology far outstrips whatever liberties Xenogears might take with the Bible, and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern the Vagrant Story characters have no connection to their Shakespearen equivalents. (There are, of course, exceptions. As preposterous as its "religious" elements are, Xenogears' depiction of various psychological troubles and Freudian elements was actually quite believable in my opinion, and I've always found the Megami Tensei series to be pretty faithful in its depiction of various mythological entities.) But that doesn't keep from them from fun games. While one might wish the developers had done a little more research sometimes, mythological and other references still tend to be more interesting than wacky RPG names like "Cardinal Beltshumeltz" and "Lavitz Slambert."

Oh, and you may not call me Frtiz-y. Go sit in the corner while I tell your mother what you've done.

[Exeunt all but FRITZ.]

INTERMISSION.

I'm not sure whether this was supposed to be an insult to me, an insult to Googleshng, an insult to both of us, or just a completely random off-topic remark. On the off chance that this was indeed directed towards me, I must defend my honor by offering this stunning retort:

The above insult was brought to you an actual Gamefaqs.com message board post. No, really.

Sorry. The correct link can be found here.

Having not played Shadow of Destiny, I'm unfortunately unable to say much here, so I've turned to TheSpark.com's Paper Generator to create some psuedo-insightful commentary:

Zak sends his thanks for the compliment, by the way.

[Enter LETTER WRITERS.]

This letter contained most of the general sentiment on Final Fantasy X: The game is looking good overall, voice acting is an inevitable addition, and the continuous world map is still a bit of an enigma.

Personally, I'm still skeptical that Square is going to be able to pull off a completely continuous world. While the towns are probably manageable, I just can't see entire dungeons being built into a world map -- especially since the party tends to warp around from location to location a lot in FF games instead of travelling everywhere.

If FF X's world is going to be mostly water, I'd guess Square's got something in mind to compensate. Perhaps you'll pick up a flying vehicle earlier on, or you'll have some improved navigation. (The last two FFs have included airship auto-pilot as an undocumented feature -- just click on a dot on the map screen.) The hunt for the undersea research lab in VIII was bad enough; I don't think anyone would want to see a game where you had to spend hours flying around looking for towns and dungeons. (Wait, I played that game -- it was called Skies of Arcadia!)

As for DQ VII: While I'm reluctant to bring up the DQ debate again, my feeling is that a lot of the antagonism towards the game stems from its Japanese sales success. DQ VII was regularly mocked for its frequent delays, and while there's no harm in that, a lot of English-speaking games wrote the whole game off as a joke as a result. When DQ VII finally hit Japan and became the best-selling PSX game ever there, a lot of would-be experts found themselves caught their pants down and tried to dismiss DQ VII's success as a fluke.

As far as I'm concerned, Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest are both outstanding RPG series, and the existence of both is a good thing. It's time the FF and DQ fans put aside their petty differences and teamed up to steal the Legend of Dragoon fans' lunch money.

Tidus certainly has a unique sense of fashion, but I have a feeling he'll grow on us. People have griped about the appearance of the characters of every FF since VII, but by the time the game actually rolls around, they end up likable to the majority of gamers. Heck, I laughed at Tidus the first time I saw him, but I'm already getting used to his appearance -- I think he's going to turn out just fine.

But agreed on the Malak thing.

Closing comments:

[Exeunt LETTER WRITERS. FRITZ uses the play as a decoy to infiltrate the castle and rescue the fair PRINCESS SELPHIE.]

[Exeunt all but SELPHIE. Begin rock guitar solo. Curtain.]

Oh, right, a topic. Think on this: Sidequests and other optional areas have become a staple of RPGs. Are they are an effective way of adding life to the game and encouraging players to explore, or are they too obscure to complete and a drain on plot elements that should have been incorporated into the main storyline? What makes a good sidequest? Or tell me whatever else is on your mind -- I've got some miscellaneous letters left over, so tomorrow's assortment of letters should, overall, be a mixed bag of goodies and tidbits.

- Fritz Fraundorf, key grip