Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. I dream of Ohiocation. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Well, I'm ready to give my opinion regarding FFIX, as I'm sure you've all been dying to hear them. My basic thoughts are pretty much in agreement with Andrew Vestal's, if you've read his review: Weak plot, uninspired characters, terribly lame bad guy, good graphics, and music that's paint-by-numbers and technically challenged. Perhaps I'm just getting jaded, but with the number of excellent RPGs out there this holiday season, I was quickly side-tracked and never got around to finishing the last disc.

Of course, if you're too inept to construct a reasonable argument in favor of FFIX by citing actual examples, you can just point out the fact that I didn't finish the game, then recline in your swivel chair with a smug look on your face, knowing that you really got the better of me this time. You can thank me for that later.

In case you haven't noticed yet, the bitterness level has been turned way up today. People managed to send me letters featuring just about every argument in the book that upsets me. So if you're one of those people who starts crying even when two random people you've never seen before are fighting, and rushes between them with outstretched arms while tearfully begging that they just get along, this may not be the column for you. Plus there's FFIX spoilers everywhere. In fact, this column probably isn't fit to be viewed by anyone.

I'm sorry, did you confuse this column with a place of worship? Do you see big wodden benches with metal racks on back containing bibles and hymn books? Are there some stained-glass windows I'm unaware of? Because you seem to be spouting off doctrine. I'm sorry if I've given the wrong impression: this is actually a letters column, and when you say things like "which was the worst FF ever" in passing, rather than supporting that argument, it doesn't fly too well.

I could go on about how the timing of introduction doesn't make the villain. I could easily point out that Ultimecia is, in fact, introduced in character, as Edea's words and actions are done under the control of Ultimecia. Unfortunately, you've pissed me off with your sanctimonious mockery of FFVIII, hence forfeiting any chance of a dignified response.

Actually, I'm going to use this letter as something of a warning. After reading my response to the following letter, you're going to think Nich's nickname should be "Mister Cuddly-Wuddly." So if you think scathing replies aren't funny, or they make you nervous, you might want to just skip ahead.

Look, I saw your letter yesterday, and quite frankly you got everything you deserved. But now you just had to go and press the matter with me, and that's dumb. Real dumb. Where to start?

First of all, in your previous letter you say that you "...believe that polygons have no place in any rpg" and also that RPGs should "...eliminate prerendered bg's, change to sprites." Now, correct me where I'm wrong, but it would absolutely seem that you care what graphical style is put to use in an RPG, seeing as you've taken the time to prescribe the "proper" RPG visual style. So backpedal all you like, but you're not getting out of this one, bud.

Now we'll move on to my favorite assumption that you've made: good graphics translate into a bad storyline. That is a load of pharisaic bullshit -- we pretty much established that fact when FFVII was released and your tired, inaccurate argument first reared its pointy little head. Square, along with every other major developer on the face of the planet, has separate departments working on the graphics, music, storyline, etc. It's not like a team of graphic designers merrily sit around rendering backgrounds and polygonal characters, then realizes with a week left that they forgot all about writing a plot. To suggest that there's somehow a correlation between visuals and plotline shows me one of two things: you either took absolutely no time to think your argument through before firing a letter off to this column, or you're a moron.

The simple fact is that Square, along with most RPG developers, is trying new approaches to narrative and you simply don't like these. Now, you could simply be acceptant and say, "I miss the more whimisical storylines of yore." Instead, censuring pinheads like you turn around and point your finger at something immediately salient, such as graphics, since it's so much more fun to fancy yourself a member of the elite intelligentsia able to look beyond the eye candy to realize what an impediment these attractive visuals truly are. You're offhand remark about "watering down RPGs for the masses " makes this dillusion all the more apparent.

But I actually have a plan for everyone who has ever truly believed something similar to Xenodude here: I say we give all of these people a PSX and a copy of RPGMaker. Then ship them all off to an island where they can sit around playing RPGs with the exact same monster design, tile graphics, and characters but slightly different storylines forever more.

Seeing as I didn't actually finish the game, I'll have to take your word for the ending. When I get around to beating it, I doubt I'm going to start blubbering, seeing as I have little investment in the game's characters, but you never know.

You know, having written as many columns as I have, making a defense here feels completely pointless. Let's be honest; nobody is going to change anybody else's mind. But what the hell.

Sephiroth was a successful villain whereas Kuja was not, and I believe this for several reasons. First of all, Sephiroth directly affected the lives of nearly every character in your party at some point or another in very profound ways. Amongst other things, he burned down Cloud's hometown (cliche, but okay), and most importantly, killed a major party character who had herself received ample development for their to be emotional investment on the part of the player. Conversely, Kuja destroyed Terra an entire 30 minutes after it was introduced (as a hollow land inhabited by souless simulcrum, at that), and killed Queen Brahn, who was a jackass anyway. Sorry, but that doesn't make me hate him.

Then there's the aspect of actually developing the villain. Sephiroth received as much attention in the plotline as Cloud, the main character, did. You understood his motivations and even empathized with him to some extent. That makes an excellent bad guy, in my estimation. On the other hand, we have Kuja, who you see in a few random cutscenes until late in the third disc, at which point his entire character and purpose is summed up in a few lines by Garland.

And finally, sure Sydney was a girly-man, but at least he had a black wardrobe and those cool fingernail things. Kuja looks like he fell out of a random Japanese pop-rock group.

I figure with all of the letters strongly supporting one view or the other, I should even things out with at least one that's middle-of-the-road. I didn't personally dig Kuja, but if you did, you go. Moving on.

I can't really add much here. Which sucks. I guess I'll just go to the next letter now.

Man, I think I blew my entire thought wad a few letters ago. I've become jaded today; if a letter doesn't anger me on some fundamental level, I don't care enough to agree or dispute the points it makes. I'll agree that VS, CC, and FFVII all touched on a similar philosophy, but I thought they all did it well, so what the hell. I'll start to worry if the next generation of Square games continues the trend.

Closing Comments:

Well, I'm sure today's column has inspired plenty of people to write in anyhow, so I don't see any reason to bother with a topic. So, knock yourselves out.

-Drew Cosner, who actually doesn't hate FFIX, per se