Eye Of The Esper

[12.29.99] » by Aeris32

Gazing afar, nothing I see, other than this forsaken nothingness of the world, as it has ended. A world I hardly recognize as it has been transformed but implausibly, I feel easier to belong to and embrace. For although there was a settled order before, I have never been a part of that world. I don't know why that rearrangement bothers me. The previous situation wasn't much better. But at least, I had been used to it.

I've been a Magnetek warrioress and an imperial soldier. I've been a witch and an outcast. A refugee and a runaway. Half Esper, half human. Ultimately, nothing. The Espers rejected me as lesser of their kind. The humans faced me with disbelief and in fear they have battled and confined me. I look into the mirror for myself and even I do not recognize it. I cant expect them to like me when even I donut know myself. Hair of sapphire and skin of ochre, face of a woman and animals eyes. This is me. A monster of sorts. I shouldn't be surprised I scare them when I appear scaring to myself...

Yet there was somebody who could see above that surface, into things within me that I had not known. Someone dared to approach the soul this body carries and treat it as its equal. Someone was brave enough to reach out for me and hold me for who I am... General Leo.

The most devoted soldier of emperor Gestahl, a man of his word with loyalty unquestionable. I had heard of him before, so many times while I served the Empire but I truly got to know him only as the world was coming to an end, upon that ship on Albrook, carrying our last hope of reconciliation with the Espers for a stronger alliance to defend the world... I would be the ambassador, because of my ambiguous existence but I had ulterior reasons behind my volunteering. Not for the sake of the world as we knew and wanted it, or for the sake of my friends either. I wanted to find for myself whether this could be possible, Espers and humans to come together. If the world could support the coexistence, then I too had a chance to bring my two parts together and find a place in a world that held me alien for as long as I can remember...

I couldn't sleep that night, where in my mind my human fears tried to prepare or prevent me against a meeting with my unknown part. I'm half Esper but never have I been in touch with that side of me. I've been raised as a human and know that part of me. Yet I'm an Esper. The call of that side is too powerful to ignore... I had experienced it once before and I dread at its powers. It sweeps me beyond my will, with a force I cant control. Its horrible to live in fear of your very existence. Its carrying a prison everywhere you go and you cant get rid of it.

General Leo had spoken to me that night... Ill never forget his words that remain inside my heart as the only memory I cherish of a world that never wanted me, from the mouth of the man, who more than anyone represented all that was then and all that I hated. I was incapable of loving but I knew hate very well. I hated Kefka for commanding me, I hated his colorful appearance and loud laughter. I hated my power that was responsible for my slavery as I hated my weakness that couldn't set me free. And yet, he spoke to me as I was alone, always alone, like I've been throughout my life. He found me when I was lost, he talked to me when I didn't want to hear, even though I dreaded the silence equally. He touched me in a way I never thought possible. And I have changed ever since.

I confided to General Leo that starry night, not because he made me feel secure. I was at a loss, my entire being a question mark. I had no interest in this world or where it headed. I didn't know my self. I felt so weak... He reassured me. He knew me not and yet he comforted me, like a father to a child and even more. He apologized to me in his own way. Of all the times he had been there and couldn't help me... I cannot blame him, no more than I blame Celes for my captivity, or the war of the Magi. But hearing his words soothed my soul. And though I didn't believe him when he said it, his assurance was longed for all the same... I felt something different that night.

General Leo confessed his own loneliness in return... I donut know if the origins were similar to mine, but the feeling, just as him, I knew only too well... And yet that night, another soul confided in me. That night, someone sought for my compassion. That night was the first time in my life that I felt wanted ... esteemed and trusted... That night I had a small taste of the only thing I was missing.

I felt the same way as I reached unto the deserted village of Mobliz. The light of judgment had fried the place. Only the children survived, because their parents had hid them, sheltered them to the cost of their life. I came there and saw small faces, covered in dirt and tears. I saw famished faces. Scared faces. I had to do something for them.

I stayed with them and helped them organize. We gathered all that we could in the safest building and waited. Days, weeks ... maybe months... With every day passing, I saw color returning to those cheeks. I saw smiles upon those faces. I heard them laugh, I heard them cry, until they became a part of me... They called me mama ... and the feeling was strange... I felt wanted. Needed.

Loved...

All was a brand new emotion that I never thought me capable of having and wondered how it was possible that I had lived so long without it...

Changes... I've never had to decide for anything. I just took things as they came, without the option of a choice. Soon, I didn't even have the wish for it. And here I was, in a rapidly changing world, with drastic changes within myself, having to balance again, into a being I could recognize ... it was even harder than before. I wanted to explore my new feelings, the feeling of anything at all and at the same time, I wished to repress them... I devoted time to the children, exploring the new world with them. I thought I was helping them ... but I was mostly keeping my mind away of the questions desperately seeking for answers inside my mind. Venturing along with the children was refreshing and exciting ... but every time I was alone, at nights when I went to lie ... then I felt weak.

I had lost my friends and now I was responsible for those children. I didn't feel strong enough to defend them but mostly, now that I had something to fight for... I felt the fear of the possibility of losing them, an overpowering emotion... I hated the weakness of that feeling and nearly cost the lives of the children at the attack of Phunbaba. Had it not been for Celes and Sabin, we would have perished that day... Ever since, we hid whenever Phunbaba came.

Until my friends came back again to shake me out of this, I never knew the true power of those emotions. Power immeasurable, before which the sharpest blade and the strongest magic is reduced to nothing.

Phunbaba nearly killed my friends defending the children of Mobliz. Before that threat, something broke inside of me... Something that felt like anger but was warm, pleasant and empowering... At that moment, I felt myself in coordinance. I tapped at the side of me I wished to ignore and went out to fight. I defeated, not just Phunbaba, but my own fear ... the fear of myself.

It was defeated when one of my little daughters recognized the human within the monster I have been... When they called me mama again, like always ... when tears poured from my Esper eyes... Although I'm stronger as an Esper... I'm better as a human. Like that, I can comprehend both pain and happiness, sorrow and joy. Like that, I have the choice. And I want that choice.

I know my fear hasn't departed and that I will be scared again. But I know now, I can face it. And I will.

My friends asked to join them... I didn't yet feel ready. I promised Celes I would think it over. Locke asked me to come. He looked sad when I refused and I told him I needed time. Now my time is up. I’m here in Nikeah, waiting for the ferry from South Figaro, that will bring my friends to me. I left Mobliz in the care of Katarin and Duane. Both have learned to handle the sword and Katarin, although she’s pregnant, can take care of the little community better than anybody... Besides, I won’t be long.

In the port there is agitation as they prepare to haul the vessel. The announcement is made and I gaze at it. I smile and raise my hands at the frantic waving from the first deck. I can recognize Edgar among thousands.

I meet with my friends, all in a smile. Celes binds her hands with mine in the formal greeting of the warriors. Edgar hugs me as always, only now as a friend. Perhaps, I can see him as such now that I got to know him enough not to take offence of his flirtatious behaviour. I don’t know how Celes is taking this, however... Edgar never leaves her side. Or Setzer, but he’s not here this time, since he never travels with anything that doesn’t fly. Edgar’s brother, Sabin is too among her admirers, although of all, he never words it. He hides it behind careless laughter and meaningless acts, but his feints... to someone like me are useless...

This time however it’s only Celes and Edgar here. It’s only after the greetings that I see one more person in their team... one I never believed I’d ever see again. Professor Cid of the Magitec factory, the one who gave Celes her powers and studied me, taking account of everything about me. I look at him and the fear of memories creeps back into me, like a chilly wave.

“It’s so good to see you again, Terra,” Celes smiles honestly. “I think you know professor Cid...”

“And an amazing person he is!” Edgar interferes. “I’ve heard about his scientific breakthroughs but not of his knowledge on Tools... He actually promised to create a few handy gadgets especially~”

“Edgar, I think some silence would be a refreshing change,” Celes stops him politely but, like the general she was raised to be, her tone doesn’t permit any denial. Edgar silences in an obliged, breezy smile and to the inn we head.

We sit around the table, just like the old days and guzzle tonics by the crackling fireplace. I find confidence in Cid’s presence. If he is with my friends, I know I can trust him. “We’re very close to defeating Kefka,” Edgar tells me, “but we want you with us, Terra. There are people counting on you... don’t let them down...”

“I don’t know. What of the children of Mobliz?” “Terra, you cannot help them by staying there and sheltering them. Eventually, you will all perish.”

Celes is right and I know now that I can fight. I yearn to go into battle, but am I ready to leave, perhaps for good, something that for once I feel mine?

“I too have come to beseech your aid, dear,” says the aged, soothing voice of professor Cid. I look at him in question.

“There is a certain task that only you can perform. I found a way to resurrect general Leo ... but without you, I cannot do a thing...”

Have I heard correctly? General Leo? But he’s dead! I saw him dead and what are they saying now to me?

I nearly slam my mug on the table and leap on my feet.

“How dare you give me futile hope after all that we've been through?” I demand. I cant reason my reactions but I feel my heart beating madly in my chest, as if it wants to break free from my body...

“Terra...” Celes pleads with me. “Have faith in professor Cid... he knows what he’s doing...”

“General Leo is dead and there’s nothing I can do about it! I am an Esper but that doesn’t mean I’m a God!” I protest. “It’s not a God we need,” says the mellow voice of professor Cid. “I can bring General Leo back to life. His body that is. But only one person can retrieve his soul...”

“And that person... is me?” I utter.

Celes tries hard not to smile... why? What does she know that I don’t?

“Think about it,” Edgar speaks this time. “He was a great warrior and a noble man we would like to have with us... Terra... I think it’s worth a try...”

My friends are looking at me but I find no words to say. I cannot even decide on what to think.

I try to believe that General Leo can come back to life and that he will fight on our side... I try to tell myself that one like him is useful to our cause, I know that even like that, this is the only way to remedy the unjust death... but I cannot think. I close my eyes in fear of my emotions escaping and then I will lose that sweet pain swelling through my eyes. I choose to keep it burning my heart instead of letting it out. Brand new sensations take over me and I don’t want them to go, like he did. One thing I can say for sure. I want him back. I want him here. The thought doesn’t take the form of words and even as I try to grasp it, I can’t get it any closer than that...

I look around the table at the expecting faces of my friends and for a little, I don’t know why I just gaze back at them and do not talk. Their hopefulness reminds me that they cannot read my mind as neither can I - Espers aren’t Gods. I decide it’s time to talk... “I’ll come...” I finally say and see smiles daring to show up in the faces. “I’ll give it a try. At least, I have to see...”

As we now stand in the vast fields of puny grass, waiting for the Falcon to take us, I feel the air different on my face and that dismal sun is almost pleasant on my skin... Celes notices me in thought and walks to me with her slight as ever smile. I return her stare as she places her hands on my shoulders and looks at my face. “Terra... you mustn't give up on hope, ever. You know that...” I say nothing. What do I need to say? Verify her words? I don’t care to do that. I don’t want to smile either. I want to keep the cool effrontery for a little more and reveal it, when the time comes to one only...

General Leo... I haven’t lost faith. Now, more than ever I believe in life... and hope... I’ll come to your grave and try to resurrect you... You must return and see that it didn’t all go for nothing, see our will to win but most importantly... I need you to be with me. You’re the only one who can understand me, the only one who ever had... And I have to tell you a secret, one that I want you more than anyone to know... I’ve learned how to love.