I Feel Nothing

[12.12.99] » by Loa

It’s cold here. Very cold. My heart burns with such a sadness, as I sit and think of what the world once held, and what it has lost. I ache inside, when I think of a past… A past that cannot be escaped… That cannot be denied.

When I was young, I was a simple, yet smart child. I was orphaned at 3, but I was taken in by a kind elderly couple that ran an orphanage. I was happy. Until that day… The day the men came. They were armed, with swords and bows and arrows. They scared all of us. The little ones were taken away, the ones the resisted… Their throats were slit. I cried and cried. The owners of the orphanage took a few of us that they could and ran into the lower basement of the house. They tried… Tried so hard. They wanted me and the others to live, but how could they protect us from those soldiers. Soldiers that wanted nothing more than to destroy. I couldn’t sit in that dark basement anymore… It scared me… Scared me so bad. But what scared me more, was the light. The fire that the men held in their hands, they took their torches… They lit the house. My "mother" and "father" tried to get the remaining children out, but they failed. One of the men grabbed my "father" and ran him through. The blood… I remember the smell…

I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran into the darkness, and flung myself at a man with a torch. Taken by surprise, he fell to the ground, the torch caught a patch of grass in fire. Flames began to erupt everywhere, and I my anger seemed to enrage it. With my ten year old hands, I pulled the sword from the man’s sheath, and I lifted it awkwardly. Although it was large and heavy, in my rage, it was lighter than a feather. My hands ached for the man’s blood, my heart pounded fiercely in my chest. Before I could even question what I was doing, the sword was hilt deep in the man’s chest. The blood covered my hands, and my dress, I felt it ooze onto my legs, and the man let go of a small scream. His eyes wide with fear as he looked at me… I could only hear one thing, his dying words…

"Child of the Demons…"

My heart died… And the sticky blood, with it’s metallic and dirty smell pervaded my small nostrils. I backed away slowly, the eerie flame light reflected the blood on my hands, and the blood on my victim, but somehow I didn’t feel… Feel sad or regret. I looked around… The men had run away. They were gone. My "mother" and "father" had both been slain. A few of my best friend’s bodies had been carelessly thrown about. I knelt in the grass, with my bloodied hands, tears running down my cheeks… I had nothing left. I curled up into a little ball, next to my "mother’s" corpse and cried… There was nothing more I could do…

So… The days passed, they turned to months, they turned to years. I had run from the scene of destruction, frozen inside. I had stopped caring about life. I scoffed at that word, that idea. No one had given me that chance… Why should I give them a chance? Blind hatred, and evil was my friend. Those emotions would accept me no matter what, in the dark hours, when I, all alone, would cower in the street somewhere, crying and reliving nightmares I couldn’t escape. Every time I shut my eyes, I could still see the anguished faces of my "family" and then… The voices… They screamed at me. They told me it was my fault that everyone had died… That I was the only survivor. That I was selfish, that I should be ashamed. I kept hearing the man I killed harsh raspy voice… Accusing me. I found myself, at 14, wandering the streets of the Imperial cities, only my rags and the sword I had killed with to my name… All I held was blind a ruthless hate. It consumed me. I hated myself, but at the same time, couldn’t understand… One evening, I found myself in the Imperial Capital, Vector. I was 15. The voices in my mind were getting increasingly stronger, my thirst to kill was getting higher. The anger and hate that burned in my heart was uncontrollable. And now I realized that the people who were my "family" never cared about me… They never wanted me, they never wanted anything to do with me. The voices told me that much… And the voices were now my only allies.

So, on that night in Vector, I heard footsteps behind me. A man, reeking of alcohol and stumbling down the street came towards me.

"Hey, I got some gold… Wanna come with me…?" he asked, his eyebrows wiggling suggestively.

I felt like vomiting. The man, repulsive as he was, held out the gold to me…

The voices chanted.

I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to kill. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Killing… It didn’t matter.

I nodded to the voices… I succumbed, my will was gone, and the voices took control of my brain. I could feel them edge through my ears, and dig into my soul. I pulled the old, battered, but still sharp sword, and with one swift movement of my body pulled the man close and slit his throat. He fell to the dirty street. I felt blood trickle down my blade, and I closed my eyes, and… Laughed. Long and loud and evilly. I was sick… Sick everywhere. But this, this feeling, washed it away. Lightning flickered ahead, and I could feel a drop of rain trickle onto my skin. The rain was coming. It washed away the blood, into the gutter, away from me. But I was not afraid, or scared, or even angry. I did not feel… I felt nothing. I dug into the man’s pockets. Took his money and ran.

I lived like this for a few months. Running around Vector, stealing, harming, killing. When I looked back, I wondered if there was a part of me that still remembered the love I had felt at the orphanage… But I didn’t think so. That part of my life was completely over. That girl that once played in the field with her made-up family was dead. Dead in the ashes that laid where the orphanage had been. Dead in the shallow graves a ruthless evil thing had dug out of pain. Where my "family" rested. I tried to conceal my madness, and I joined the street fighting competitions. I won every match. I killed every match. That was my drive. That was my power. When I dug my blade into the flesh of another, a deadly smile crept across my pale face, and everything was all right. When I killed, the voices receded, and I was alone in my mind. I could think… Until they came again.

The day of my sixteenth birthday, I was on my way to a match, and was stopped on the way by men in uniform. Looking at those items of clothing released a deep seated rage in me. Men like this had destroyed me… My life and all my hope. I screamed. I couldn’t stop myself. And the voices raged. I drew my blade and killed all four of them. When I was finished a man stepped out of the shadows.

"Very good, girl." The man said. He was dressed in a similar uniform, but held no weapon.

"Who are you?" I growled angrily. I held my sword aloft, letting it gleam in the moonlight.

"I’m a General from the Imperial Army. We’ve heard about you… We want you for… A test."

"What test? Why the hell would I trust a Imperial Army bastard like you?"

"Because, I can give you peace."

"What?"

"I can make them stop."

"What are you talking about?" My eyes narrowed.

"I can make those." He tapped his forehead. "Stop."

"How do you know…?" I said, my blade falling to my side.

"Come with me… All will be revealed." He held out a hand.

For some reason… No, it wasn’t the voices… It was a voice… It was a child’s voice crying for me. She said, "Please… Please… Please stop the voices…"

I held out my hand. I couldn’t refuse her.

The man took me to the Imperial palace. Inside, I was cleaned up, and given a uniform. A uniform I looked upon with disgust. I looked at it with anger and hate… Fear? Buried in me was the memory… Of the singed smell of smoke and burned flesh that had permeated my nostrils. I shook my head. No more of this, I told myself. I put it on, and walked out into the room.

A few men were there. One in particular was a man named Cid. They talked quietly. There was strange machinery all around me, but I didn’t care. I just wanted the commotion in my head to end. I had had enough. I didn’t want to kill again…

"Come here." The man named Cid said.

I did.

"Step into the machine." I obeyed… Why was I…

"Now, this may hurt a little…" Cid said… His voice was calm and smooth. Reminiscent…

Wires were applied to my arms, my face, my legs, and down my shirt. I breathed slowly… I knew it would be worth it… Would it? I concentrated on Cid. He seemed… familiar. I relaxed.

"Now… Don’t be scared." He pressed a button on a control panel.

I felt pulses run up and around my skin. I heard a crackling in my ears, and I was in intense… Not pain, just discomfort, I felt… Scared. My skin felt like it was being fried. From within my mind… I felt like I was asleep, but I was awake… A waking dream?

"Where did you find her?" I heard Cid say to the man who had brought me.

"The streets… I looked up her files. She’s a killer. She has no remorse, and she’ll be an excellent soldier."

"But, don’t you think that a soldier must also have some emotion?" Cid’s voice spoke.

"Did I ask you what you thought? You are merely the man who does the Magitek Infusion. Don’t meddle in affairs you don’t belong in."

My mind was clearing slowly. The static in my mind was fading, and the voices… Where had they gone? I could hear them no more… I opened my eyes, and the only one that remained in the room was Cid.

"You’re done for the evening… Go get some rest." He said, unhooking the devices.

I nodded, numb. For the first time in many years, my thoughts were the only ones heard in my mind. Somehow… This Magitek Infusion… Was pushing them back. I loved the peace. My mind was an ocean… Peaceful and deep. I feel asleep easily that night.

The days passed. I was given more Magitek Infusion treatments. The voices came back, but rarely. I was less volatile. I was happy…? But, underneath it all, I was still me, I still had no regard for life. I would kill at the drop of a hat, it wasn’t like it mattered. I was misguided, and uneducated… Until one day.

"Stay for a moment." Cid said, after my treatment was over one morning.

I nodded, and stood quietly.

"Would you like to come with me somewhere?" Cid asked. His face was open and earnest.

Part of me was on guard, another part of me trusted him… Who did he remind me of? "Where?" was what crossed my lips.

"You’ll see."

Cid led me outside of Vector. We traveled by Chocobo to a mountain. Up on the summit, we stood, looking at Vector below, and the green fields.

"This is life." Cid said. "Life is something precious…"

I spat. "Life is nothing."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because, life is weak. Life is taken away, with no regret."

"I can’t… Make you understand what life is… Or love. But, I can try, can’t I." He had turned to me, his eyes full of hope.

I had shrugged. What did her care? "I don’t believe in any of that…"

"Well… One step at a time." And we had sat there for the rest of the afternoon.

We did this every week. I grew attached to Cid. I never trusted him fully, or cared about him deeply. I just felt like when I was with him everything was ok. A year, two, three passed. I was put through schooling, went for training. I came out of it a full fledged General. I was a warrior now, for the same cause that I had hated with a passion for many many years. But that didn’t matter now. The Imperial Army had taken away the voices that had plagued me and now I was safe from them. The least I could do was serve them. But, no matter what… The hate was still there. It didn’t matter. Hate didn’t bother me. I didn’t care about life. Just as long as the voices didn’t come back. As long as I retained some of my sanity.

And so, I was sent into battle. I led troops into towns, cities, villages. I killed hundreds. I was revered. I remember one day I returned at the head of a parade to Vector. The population had come out to see me and my army return. The feelings of power didn’t mean much… My life had become just existence. Nothing more, nothing less… Until… That day. Kefka and the Emperor… They presented a new warrior. She emerged onto the Imperial Palace’s balcony, her face was filled with confusion, and their was a crown on her head. I knew what that crown was for. It would control her thoughts and what she would do. For some reason I felt bad for this girl she seemed so helpless, yet her resolve and destiny had already been chosen…

The next time I went into battle, something was wrong… I felt different… Maybe it was that girl’s innocent expression that made me feel this way… Something was doing this… I torched the village anyway. I had no regret, but yet there was a feeling in my heart that could not be denied. And when my regret was shown… I was viewed as a traitor… I was sent to South Figaro… And beaten. I was found in a basement, lost and alone. By a thief named Locke. All the while, while we escaped from that hole, all I could think of was my despair. One moment I was a General, the next I was a prisoner. A lousy prisoner, discarded, thrown away. Just like all those years ago. My hatred had lost focus, and then had been shook at the foundations… By the girl named Terra. What were the voices now saying behind my back? I knew they were there… Somewhere… Where? Had they gone? Had they left me too? Was that young girl still there, the one that had cried for me to stop the commotion, the bedlam in my head? Well, that didn’t matter. I joined the rebellion. I rose up against Kefka, to avenge what he had done to me. What he had destroyed. All that he had taken. I remember seeing Cid when we reached Vector again. What a strange look he held in his eyes when I saw him… Had he been… Proud? Of what I had done? Of the fact that I had given up a piece of my hatred, to fight a greater evil.

No, I had not done that. I had just concentrated my hatred on something else. The greater hate, I thought I could kill with my hate. And yet, everyone viewed me as if I was perfect, but at heart I still burned inside. I was alone, and although I didn’t think of that day all those years ago, my only drive was hidden beneath my hatred. I grew attached to those I was traveling with: Terra, Locke, Sabin, Edgar, Relm, Umaro, Mog, Setzer, Strago, Gogo… I grew to… Somehow care about them. But at the heart of my existence, still burned the same old hate and pain. I remember when the world had seemingly ended. When I awoke on that small island. With Cid. The only constant in my tumultuous life. Father… Daughter… He had called us… That was when I finally realized the bond between us… We were destined to be together, some way or another. How my heart had ached when he had died… The hate and fire that ate at my heart… I couldn’t touch it anymore. All of it was jumbled and confused.

In my despair, not in one that was brought about in hate… But through the loss of this love I had just found. I decided to jump, and survived. And I wondered why, and I found some strength in myself and pushed on. I found my friends. Defeated Kefka…

And now where am I?

I have taken a boat to the small isle where Cid had spent the end of his days. Where I discovered strength and love and trust… For a short while. Are my thoughts unorganized? Do they make any sense at all? I trace my fingers down the sand… I am like the ocean before me. Alone, yet trapped in it’s solitary bounds. I’d like to say I was brave, that I changed, saw the light… But when I look inside myself, all I see is the frightened little girl… The girl who screamed for the voices to stop… But the girl is tainted, with blood and hate and regret. How can I live this life anymore? How could I try to repave a path that never was made in the first place? Cid… Oh, Cid, why did you have to die? You were the one that understood me… And now you’re gone. Locke… Sweet Locke, he’s afraid… And so am I. How? How can I even try to start over? I wade now, into the cold ocean. My blade and cape are on the beach behind me. Is there a reason for me to stop? Is there are any point?

My heart is pounding now. My head is aching, and my soul is tired. The hate and the anger and the numbness are all there. The voices… Those echoes I hear in the back of my mind… Are those them? Have they not deserted me after all? Are they coming back? I’m scared…

I close my eyes, farther I go. I can barely keep my head above the salty water. Should I let go? Should I abandon it all? Maybe…

How could I save that girl?

How can I save myself?

I can’t…

I’m powerless… And as much as this torrent of emotions comes at me, I cannot understand any of it. I feel nothing…

I am underwater now, and the pain in my heart will not end. It’s better this way… Locke forgive me…

And I begin to sink… Deep below… I’m coming Cid. I won’t hurt soon…

But yet…

I float. And my breath comes again…

Maybe I’m supposed to try. Try to feel… But nothingness remains… And I hear a voice… Traveling from far away.

"Celes…" It whispers. "Don’t give in…"

I listen.

Authors Note: This story was a response to a story I read elsewhere. I think Celes had a very valid reason to do what she had done. I believe that she was a weak and frail individual underneath it all… And I also think there was a lot of darkness to her character… Any responses/comments are welcomed… Please email me at ffgirl_loa@crystal-tokyo.com. Also, if you would like to read more of my work please visit my website: Rae and Loa’s Fanfiction Site. Thanks!