Under Arrest

[12.12.99] » by Lee

It was just another average day in the world of Final Fantasy 7. Meteor

was floating in the sky. Cloud and the gang were relaxing and playing

games at the Gold Saucer.

"Cloud," Tifa said, "shouldn't we be trying to stop Meteor?"

"Wait a sec," Cloud said. "I've almost got a high score on the

snowboarding game."

"#$*$!%$#* Tifa!" Cid said. "You worry to much."

"Yeah, just relax." Cloud said.

Cait Sith came in. "Hey, guess what?" he said. "I convinced Dio to open a

Casino in here!"

"Shut the %^*(&%*^ up!" Cid said. Apparently, it wasn't one of Cid's better days.

"That's Cid for ya." Vincent said.

Suddenly, the cheerful Gold Saucer theme music changed into an

"impending doom" theme.

"Uh Oh." Red XIII said. "That music usually plays when a villain comes

in on an RPG."

"RPG?" Barret said. "Jest what you talkin' 'bout?"

" *^(&^%*&%^&" Cid cursed. "What's goin' on here?"

A black portal materialized. A shady figure stepped out of the portal.

"Hi," the figure said. "I'm from the RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS."

"What the &*%(**^ does RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS stand for?"

"The Really Annoying People Against Swearing, Profanity, Violence, And

Other Unnecessary Bad Stuff In RPGs." The figure said. "I'm sorry, Mr.

Highwind, but you'll have to come with me."

"What the &*(^&&^? are you talking about?" Cid said.

"Cussing is evil." The figure said. "It cannot be allowed in RPGs. It

rots people's minds."

"But this game is rated 'Teen'" Cloud protested. "We can cuss if we want

to."

"Not anymore." The figure said. He hand-cuffed Cid and pushed him into

the portal. "If I catch any of you

people cussing, I'll be back!" he said, stepping into the portal. The

portal dissappeared.

* * * *

Sephiroth was slashing the Masamune in different directions, thinking of

something to kill. It was boring waiting in the North Crater for Cloud

and his friends to show up.

All of a sudden, a shady figure shows up out of no where.

"Ah, so your Mr. Sephiroth.'' The shady figure said. " I'm from

RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS. I heard about you killing Aeris. Your under arrest.

You'll have to come with me."

Sephiroth took the Masamune and sliced the guy in half. Sparks flew

everywhere. The guy was made of metal!

* * * *

In South Figaro, Locke was putting on a soldier's uniform. He needed it

to sneak by the guards.

A shady figure appeared.

"Ah ha! I know you stole that uniform!"

"What's it to ya?" Locke said, drawing a dirk.

"Stealing is evil. It rots people's minds. You make it seem okay, you

thief!"

"I PREFER treasure hunter!" Locke said.

"That's too bad. Your under arrest."

A black portal materialized and sucked Locke in.

* * * *

Yet another shady RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS person appeared, this time in

Earthbound's

Happy-Happy Village. The insane cultists were proceeding to paint the

town blue, while chanting "Blue-blue."

"Halt!" the shady guy said. "Cults are evil. They rot people's minds.

Your all under arrest!"

The cultists painted the guy blue and continued on their way.

* * * *

In Ivalice, Ramza, Delita, and Algus had captured a "Death Corps"

soldier.

"Where is the Marquis? Where is he being held?" Algus said to the

soldier. "Your boss, Wiegraf, was just here. Where did he go?"

The soldier was silent.

"Y, you &*&^*(! Say something!" Algus kicks the soldier.

"Oooooooooh! That was interesting dialect!" a voice said. A shady figure

(surprise!) came out of the shadows and hand-cuffed Algus. He dragged him

away.

In Filgaia, Jack and Hanpan were talking to Cecilia. Rudy was getting

his ARMs upgraded.

Yet another shady figure appeared.

"I've heard reports of some of you fellas using the `d word.'" The figure

said.

"So?" Hanpan said. "It's a free country."

"Wild Arms is rated 'K-A.' You can't cuss. We forbid it."

Jack was shocked. You mean, I cant say ' &*%%^! That was cool!' ?"

"Exactly," the shady figure said. "and if you cuss just one more time,

I'll arrest you!

* * * *

Cid sat in his cell in the RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS building.

"Kinda looks like the Shinra building." Cid noted, remembering how his

friends had described the place.

The RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS building was quite a few stories up. Except for

the top one, all the floors were lined with prison cells. About once a

minute someone was jailed.

A group of shady dudes came by, with three prisoners. The three

prisoners were Magus, Shadow, and Vincent.

"Why the (*&^8&* did you arrest them?" Cid asked.

"They were being mysterious." One guy said. "Being mysterious rots-"

"I know, I know, *&^%)& it!" Cid yelled. "It rots people's minds! I'm

^%%>$'in tired of hearin' you people say that!"

Some more shady people were carrying Glenn (AKA Frog) and Cyan.

"You can't talk in Old English. It rots people's minds." The shady figure

said.

"Tis an outrage!" Glenn said. "I shall report thee to King Guardia!"

"Methinks thou should shut thy trap." Cyan said to Frog.

On the top floor of the RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS building, a shady figure

walked into the president's office. Inside the office was Smithy, the

president of RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS.

"Gwa mwa ya la kya ma wha ha fo so ya ha ah ha hahahahahahaha!" Smithy

laughed. "No one would ever guess that I, Smithy, the villain in Mario

RPG, is the leader of RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS!"

Using the smelter, Smithy forged really hot metal into a "shady figure."

"First Shysters and now `Shadesters'." Smithy laughed.

"Who should I arrest next?" a shyster asked him.

"Hmm..." Smithy pondered. "I know, I'll arrest someone from by own world!

Go arrest Mallow foe jumping out of his pants when he casts spells!"

"Yes sir!" the shadester said, leaving Smithy's office.

"After I arrest everyone for stupid reasons, I can easily take over the

universe!" Smithy cackled.

"You can't expect to toy with the entire gaming industry and get away

with it!" a voice said. It was Lucca! She blasted the Smelter with her

Wondershot. Crono and Marle entered behind her.

"Oh look, a rainbow!" Smithy said, noticing Crono's sword.

"Let Frog go!" Marle said.

Smithy started pounding hid head with his sledge hammer.

"Uh, need some aspirin?" Lucca asked.

Smithy forged his head until looked like a tiny version of the Sister

Ray.

"We're in trouble......" Lucca guessed.

The mini-Sister Ray fired. It blasted a gaping hole in the office floor.

Crono, Marle, and Lucca fell through.

A few minutes later, Cloud stepped into Smithy's office. He leaped over

the pit in the center.

"Release Cid!" he demanded.

"No!" Smithy said. "Now shut up or I'll arrest you for having spiky

hair!"

Cloud drew his sword. It was obvious that a fight would take

place...................

* * * *

What!?" Golbez said, as he was shoved into the cell next to Cid's. "You

can't arrest me because my father lived on the moon!"

"People that live on the moon are said to be crazy." The shadester said.

"Seeing crazy guys rots people's minds."

Cid lit another cigarette as Kefka was arrested for laughing in an evil

and annoying way, Tellah was arrested for calling Edward a "spoony bard,"

Edward was arrested for being called a spoony bard, Mog was arrested

for dancing in public, Celes was arrrested for singing opera music too

loud, Kain was arrested for jumping too high, and Velius was arrested

for having to many arms. Rudy was arrested for this same reason.

* * * *

Cloud was knocked down to the ground by a blow from Smithy's hammer. He

got up and pointed his finger behind Smithy. "Look, it's Zeromus!"

"Zeromus? Where?" Smithy said, turning around.

Cloud was about to hit Smithy with his sword when the phone rang.

"Hang on a sec," Smithy said, as he answered the phone.

"Okay," Cloud said, sitting down in a chair.

"This better be important!" Smith said to the shadester on the phone.

"It is," the shadester replied. "I arrested Lavos for suckin' energy

out of the planet's core. But, um, Lavos wont fit into the building."

"Deal with it; I'm busy!" Smithy said. He hung up the phone and pushed a

button on his intercom.

"Bowyer, send up the Axem Rangers! There's this annoying guy with spiky

hair I need them to maim."

"Send them up I will, Nha!" Bowyer replied.

Smithy turned to Cloud. "Just wait till they get here!" Smithy sneered.

A flash of red light came and Axem Red appeared. "We're invincible!" he

said in an over-confident tone.

A flash of black(?) light came, and Axem Black appeared. "We're

awesome!" he said.

A flash of pink light came and Axem Pink appeared. "We're gorgeous!" she

said.

A flash of green light came and Axem Green appeared. "We're

unstoppable!" he said.

A flash of yellow light came and Axem Yellow appeared. "We're idiots!"

he said. "Whoopse! That's not what I meant to say....."

The other four hit Axem Yellow with their axes. "We're..........The

Axem Rangers!" they said in unity.

While they made their flashy intro, Cloud sneaked up behind them. He used

his sword to knock them all into the pit, with one swift stroke.

"Hey Red," Axem Yellow said as they were falling down the pit.

"I'm...hungry."

"Grrr... I'll get you!" Smithy said to Cloud.

"RPGs are about havin' fun." Cloud said. "Your ruining it with your

stupid laws."

Smithy started pounding his head with his sledge.

"You really should take some aspirin, you know." Cloud said.

Smithy forged his head into the "Phaser" ARM from Wild ARMs. He fired the

phaser at Cloud, but Cloud dashed out of the way. The beam blasted

through the building's wall. It tore into Lavos, who was still outside.

Lavos took a fair sized wound. Lavos wailed. A giant wave of power shot

from Lavos's eye. It hit Smithy, turning him into ashes and ruining the

wallpaper in his office. Hearing Lavos, Crono, Marle, and Lucca jumped

out of the pit (made by the mini-Sister Ray) and dashed after Lavos to

finish him off. Cloud freed everyone from the cells, except Kefka, who

was laughing like a maniac. After they had all left, Kefka broke out. He

stole the RAPASPVAOUBSIRPGS building and took it to the FF6 world. He

remodled it and called it "Kefka's Tower."

Cloud and his friends got back to relaxing at the Gold Saucer. When they

got back, Cloud's high score had been beaten. The screen read: " 1st

Sephiroth 10 gazillion points."

"Darn!" Cloud mumbled.

Much Later

Terra and company were looking for Kefka in his tower.

"We've gotta stop Kefka!" Celes said.

"Hey," Locke said. "Did you hear that?"

Terra thought she heard something. She put her ear to the floor.

"Help!" she heard Axem Red say. "Get us out of here!"

<END>