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AHBL[12.05.99] » by Oddbrain "The Fanfic that Proves SPAM can be used for mummification"(Not Really) Tifa's Bar, about an hour before last call... Cloud: (Cleaning) Wow, this is like the time I substitute teached. Tifa: No it's not. Cloud: Yes it is. Tifa: How? Cloud: I had to wash all the drool off the desks of the students who fell asleep. Now I'm doing it with all the drunks who passed out. Tifa: When have YOU substitute teached? Cloud: I forget. Ask Yuffie. Tifa: Ok. You do drinks while I'm gone. (Goes to kitchen) Hey Yuffie, when did Cloud substitute teach? Yuffie: Last year. It was the single most humiliating experiance of my entire existance. Tifa: That bad, huh? Yuffie: Worse. Tifa: What'd he do? Yuffie: OK, it was sometime during the year, he was subbing in my Biology class. We were dissecting frogs... Tifa: I changed my mind. I really don't wanna know. Yuffie: He made us go out and catch our own frogs and then kill them ourselves. Tifa: He did? Yuffie: No. But he made them dance and he called on me for every question even when I didn't have my hand up. Tifa: You raised your hand? Yuffie: NO! Tifa: Oh. Aeris: (Comes into kitchen from out back) OK Tifa, I'm done chasing all the highly poisonous snakes away from the garbage piles. What do I do now? Tifa: Did you chase away the rabid wombats? Aeris: Umm no, they were scary. Yuffie: Excuse me but I have to clean out the beer mugs now. Tifa: OK Yuffie, Aeris you go out and scare away those wombats. And if the nocturnal killer hornets come back, there's a pointy stick in the bottom of the dumpster you can get. Yuffie: (Leaves while whistling an unrecognizable Hootie & The Blowfish song) Aeris: Okay! (Goes ouside and is attacked by the wombats) (In her head) Well, I guess it's worth it for 6.25 an hour. Red 13: (Comes running by) 'Ello Aeris. Bye Aeris. (Runs to front of the bar, where Barret and Vincent are acting as the bouncers.) 'Ello Barret, Vincent. Vincent: (Checking ID of a little kid) OK, this says you're 92, but you look 8. Kid: Umm I have to use your bathroom! Vincent: Sorry, I can't let you in. Kid: MY BLADDER! UURGH!! Vincent: Sorry. Lady in line: (Takes off shirt) Vincent & Barret: HOLY SH- Kid: Ha ha ha! (Runs inside) Thanks Mom! Inside, he runs to the bar and sits down. Cloud: Hello, how are you today? Kid: Vodka on the rocks with a twist o' lime, please. Cloud: Heh heh, you're funny. Are you old enough to have that? Kid: Yes. I got in didn't I? Cloud: Are you sure you don't want a nice milk or some apple juice? Kid: GIMME MY DRINK NOW YOU WALKING FIRE HAZARD! Cloud: Sure, whatever... (Makes drink, but uses water instead of vodka) Here ya go. Kid: (Sips water) Mmm, good lime. Cloud: (Takes other orders and makes more drinks) Tifa: (Coming in from kitchen) Hey Cloud, where's Cid? Cloud: Downstairs playing Nintendo. Tifa: Cait too? Cloud: No, Cait's actually posing as that guy's hairpiece. (Points at Palmer) Palmer: (Sits at bar) Mmm, good tea. Can I have another? Cloud: Yep, lemon or milk? Palmer: I already had both of 'em and they're both good... How about both? Cloud: Lemon AND milk? Tifa: Eeew. Palmer: Yeah, and can I have more Nutra-sweet packets? Cloud: Umm sure. Palmer: Excellent. (Watch beeps) (Opening secret TV screen on his watch) Yep, Palmer here. Rufus: (On watch thingy) Damnit Palmer! Are you back with those strippers yet? You're not at the bar again are you? Palmer: Umm no, I'm at a night club getting some hookers! Rufus: Night club ehh? Where's the loud music? Palmer: There's a live band and they're on break. Rufus: Oh good, be sure to get cheap ones, OK? I'm not made of money. Palmer: Sure. (Turns off watch) Rufus: (To others in the confrence room) Umm he's coming. Heideggar: Gwa ha ha! Rufus: (Smacks Heideggar) Heideggar: Geh.. Tseng: He better be back soon. Reno: Yeah I need something right about now. Rude: Here, have some whater. Reno: You mean water. Rude: Well, you say potato, I say potahto. Tseng: Screw off, both of you. Scarlet: (In air vent above room) Wow, so that's what they're up to. Elena: (Also in vent) OK, but I have to go, "The Man Show" is gonna be on in 10 minutes and I wanna see that guy who can drink a whole beer in a second. And we can sneak in the Turk Lounge and use the 50 inch screen. Scarlet: Oh, I'm gonna come too. Elena & Scarlet: (Crawling out of air vent into Men's Bathroom, climing down, and opening door, and seeing Hojo washing his hands) EEP! Hojo: Oh, hello. Elena: Uh.... (Blushes) Hi! Scarlet: WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE MEETING WITH ALL THE REST OF THEM? Hojo: Oh, I'm on my way. Were you peeking? Scarlet: NO! Elena: ...Yes. Hojo: Oh, good. Is Rufus stripping again? Elena & Scarlet: No. Hojo: Oh good. Last time he called a meeting like this he got drunk waiting for Palmer to come back and he got bored and started stripping and if we didn't watch and say he was hot stuff he was gonna replace us with robots. Is Reeve serving beer? Elena: ...Umm, no, I didn't see him. Hojo: Oh, that means he's getting beer. Too bad these meetings are mandatory. (Hojo's watch rings, so he opens it up) Hello, Hojo here... Rufus: Where the hell are you? Hojo: I'm coming... Rufus: Hurry up or I'll replace you with a Cait! Hojo: Heh. (Goes to room) Hello, sir. Rufus: Hojo! Sit down. (Gestures toward an empty chair) Hojo: Sure, but I gotta leave soon, I left a few genes splicing in the lab and I gotta look at them. Reeve: (Comes into the room with beer and is followed by Cait Sith bots with more beer and a keg built into each of them) Hello. Rufus: Reeve! You brought Heinekin? Reeve: No, Budweiser. Rufus: I said I wanted the one with the lizards! Reeve: Budweiser IS the one with the lizards. Heinekin has Austin Powers. Rufus: Oh, OK then. Where the HELL is Palmer? Reeve: Well, when I went to get this he was at the bar getting a 14th cup of tea with lemon and milk. Rufus: Eew. Well I guess we have to make our own entertainment tonight. Hojo: Oh, look at the time, I must be off. Rufus: Oh, you can stay. Hojo: I'm afraid I can't. Rufus: Oh, sure you can! Let your jeans slice a little longer. Hojo: I'm afraid it really is a timed experiment- Rufus: SIT! Hojo: Yes sir! (Sits) Rufus: OK everyone drink some. Everyone sips their drinks which were dispenced by the Caits. Rude: That's some good stuff. Tseng: It's rather dry... Rufus: (Has already downed everything on one Cait) GIMME SOME BABY! (Runs over to Tseng) Tseng: AIEEE! HELP! Rufus: HEIDEGGAR YOU GO BITE OFF SOME CHEESE AND RUDE YOU GO JUMP IN A FREEZING COLD PICKLE! Hojo: Oh not again... meanwhile... Tifa: Last call, everyone. No one is left except Palmer who is groaning abut how he had too much milk and lemon tea. Palmer: One more... Cloud: No, you've had enough. Palmer: (With slurred speach) oh yyyyyyyyyyyeah riiiiiiiight gimmmmmmmmmmmmme mooooooooore. Cloud: (Claps twice) Bouncers... Vincent and Barret come in, grab palmer, then struggle to pull him out of the bar as he spews all over the place. Cloud: Eew. |
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