If it doesn't Kill you

[11.22.99] » by Nik

"I'll sit right here and wait until he comes out of class, and THEN I'll tell him," Selphie told herself, tightening her hands into two small fists, "as SOON as he comes out of that classroom..."

She knew that Irvine had been psyched up about it all day. He'd told her and the others while they were having lunch in the cafeteria. He'd gone straight from Galbadian student to Balamb seed to Balamb Instructor in just a half a year. Quistis had also recovered her teacher status, leaving Squall as assistant to the Headmaster, and the rest of them as SeeDs. Selphie had been excited for Irvine, and she knew she had to tell him her news. Soon. As soon as he came out of that classroom.

She'd add to all of the good stuff that had been happening lately, and hopefully Irvine would listen carefully, and take her seriously.

"Sefie! Y'been waitin' long?" Irvine asked, interrupting her thoughts with his soft southern lilt.

"Nope. I just wanted to find out about your first day!" She smiled and took his hand as he offered it. Someday he'd keep holding her hand after helping her up--maybe soon if she could just say what she needed to say. "And, what I need to say is--" she began as he dropped her hand.

"Sef, you shoulda SEEN it! I think I'm gonna beat ol'Quistis in the groupie department! Girls ALL over me!" He laughed and pushed his ponytail off of his shoulder, "It was GREAT!"

"Oh," Selphie sighed to herself. Yeah. Great.

"So, how'd your--hey, why the sigh?" Irvine was genuinely concerned. Selphie had known him for basically her entire life, and although they'd been separated for a long time in the middle, a half a year was enough time to more than catch up. They were best friends at least, even if he wasn't interested in her the way he might have been at one time.

"Oh, nothing. I guess I just miss Trabia a little. I wonder how the construction is going?" She did wonder, but it wasn't the reason for her sigh.

"Well, let's go up there tonight! We'll celebrate!" Irvine took his hat off and put it on her head, then touched the tip of her nose with his finger. "You up for it?"

"Yeah!" She said, happy to get her mind off of her original reason for finding him.

"All right. I'll go round up the usual--why don't you just go get ready?"

Selphie nodded as he walked away.

"Meet me at the gate when you're done," she called out after him. "Geez, he's bringing everyone," she mumbled to herself as she turned to walk to her dorm room. Maybe she'd dress to impress tonight--maybe the fact that she'd prepared for him would make it easier to tell him what she had to tell him. But, if everyone else was there, could she do it?

"I hope I can do it," she whispered. With one hand, she reached up and touched the brim of Irvine's hat. "I NEED to do it."

******

After checking herself over for probably the tenth time that hour, Selphie grabbed Irvine's hat and made her way out to the front gates of Balamb garden.

"I wonder if they're all going to know why I'm wearing this," she thought to herself, pulling the pale pink dress down a little as she walked. Selphie wasn't sure what they'd think of her outfit--a minidress with short sleeves, dainty heels instead of clunky boots. It really wasn't her. The only thing she retained was her hairstyle.

She switched Irvine's hat from her left hand to her right, then quickened her pace. She was getting nervous, it was a strange feeling. The hat switched hands again.

Did she really have to wear this? She attracted him the way she was--but then again, all girls attracted Irvine. Maybe, though, her outfit would make her shine in his eyes.

"Hey! Wow! Selphie, where ya goin'?" Zell asked, trotting to keep her pace. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't noticed him at all. He was holding a hot dog and smiling at her.

"Hi Zell...aren't you going to Trabia?"

"With who? You look like you're going on a date!" He grinned wider, then crammed the hot dog into his mouth.

"No, I'm just going to Trabia with Irvine. You're not coming?"

"Heh. Not with you dressed up like that. Besides, I've got a date to keep with Lily--if I don't walk her back to her room after she gets off work she'll KILL me!"

Selphie laughed, thinking of Zell and his cute girlfriend from the library.

"Okay, well, have fun..."

"Irvine's out by the gates. He's waiting for you. See ya!" Zell took off, waving as he ran toward the library, leaving Selphie to feel embarrassed and worried. Evidently Zell knew how she felt about Irvine.

Selphie shrugged her shoulders, and with less confidence, made her way to the front gate. Irvine was there, waiting, harem of girls keeping him company. For a moment, she thought of trying to walk away, but, she was here to shine! Those other girls didn't stand a chance! Selphie's spirit returned and she approached the group.

"Irvine!" She called, her voice excited at the hope of what he might think of her in the pink dress.

He turned around immediately, looking straight at her. Selphie smiled and stepped toward him, but he crossed their divide much quicker and gathered her in his arms. The girls who had been surrounding him departed slowly, taking glances behind them to see if Irvine had removed himself from Selphie yet. Seeing that he intended to embrace her for a good while, they gave up.

"Ah, Selphie! Everyone in Trabia will be so happy to see you! You look so beautiful, none of those boys'll be able to leave you alone!" Was there a hint of jealousy in his proclamation?

Selphie laughed and remembered his hat, reaching up to place it on his head. She couldn't believe that he hadn't figured out that she'd dressed up for him.

"Let's get to Trabia," she said, "where is everyone?"

"None of 'em could make it. I couldn't find anyone but Zell, and he was on his way to the library."

Selphie giggled and took Irvine's gloved hand. If he wouldn't hold hers, then she'd hold his.

"C'mon, we'll rent a car in Balamb, and then take it over to Trabia. Or should we get the Ragnarok?" Irvine looked to her, and she shook her head. "Okay, car it is."

She smiled began to walk, but Irvine stood still, and said, "Hey, y'know, maybe I should try to get a little dressed up, too. You wait here."

"You don't--" but he was gone before she could finish, and back in what seemed like less time.

Irvine had returned in a fine black suit, his hair was down and his hat was gone. The only remnants of his favorite things were his black, fingerless gloves. "Should I have worn a tie, you think?" He asked, stopping short.

"No, no.." She found it hard to catch her breath.

"I felt like I should compliment you. When a lady is at her most beautiful, then a man should do his best to suit her. Right?"

Selphie blushed, tugging on his sleeve. "You look so handsome." She stepped back to admire him and he posed for her, placing his hand on his chin and glancing at her with his blue eyes. As he moved for another pose, the group of girls from before came back in a great wave, running toward the two of them as if something were chasing them.

And they were all smiling.

"Ooh!" One squealed, looking over Irvine with great interest. The other four attacked him, as well, circling around him as if he was Today's Special, complimenting him in ways that Selphie was too shy to do. He gave himself to each girl, showing them special smiles, touching their faces, straightening loose strands of hair, whispering things to them...Selphie watched, not jealous of the girls, but envious. She frowned and waited for Irvine to turn back to her.

Finally, she gave up and sat on a nearby bench, staring at her satin heels, hoping that he'd remember that she was there. Selphie checked her watch--15 minutes had already passed.

"C'mon, Selphie, let's go," She looked up--Anna, one of Irvine's mob. She was smiling at her and pushing black hair behind her ears. "Irvine's going to dinner with us, you'll come too, won't you?"

Going to DINNER? But he'd promised to take her to Trabia! "Uh, tell him I'll be there in a while--I'm going to go change my shoes."

The girl nodded and then said, "Are you two dating each other?"

"No." No. Unfortunately not.

"I mean, I know he's just taking you to see your friends in Trabia, but I was a little worried. I mean, Irvine is ALWAYS with you, and I thought maybe...but I guess he wouldn't, huh? I see him with Quistis all of the time, too, but that doesn't bother me at all. He's just a lone wolf, right? I suppose he'll never give himself to any one woman." Anna smiled again, "Of course, that counts me out, too."

Selphie sighed.

"I think if any girl ever asked Irvine to be hers, he'd say 'no way', 'cause there's just too many women out there!" She giggled at that, but Selphie couldn't. It meant all of them. Anna was right, though, Irvine could have any woman he wanted, so why settle for only one?

Anna waved as she walked off, "see you in the cafeteria!"

Selphie nodded and turned to go to her room. Why had she bothered? Anna had brought her crashing back down to reality, and she wished she had never even met Irvine. If she cared for Squall, it would be easy. Squall loved Rinoa. If she cared for Zell, that would be easy. Zell loved Lily. Of course, she had to care for Irvine, who loved womankind. That was hard. She'd never know how he actually felt about her, and that would keep her from having a straight answer. If she was in love with Squall, she'd know that she could never have him. If she was in love with Zell, she'd know that she could never have him. If she was in love with Irvine, there was a possibility, even if only for a moment or a month...and she was--

"Selphie!" She turned back to see Irvine running toward her, giving her one of his gorgeous smiles. "Sef, you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Finally shook those girls off. Let's go." He offered her his arm and she happily took it. There could be hope, maybe.

At once they set off to Balamb City. Irvine was afraid that those girls might try to follow them, but after a few minutes it was obvious that they would not. They were safe, it was warm and clear, and the entire night sky was visible.

"I think this is the prettiest night I've ever seen," Selphie sighed, absorbed in the patterns of stars above them. Irvine didn't comment, and when she glanced over at him, he seemed to be thinking of something. "Irvine?" Nothing.

She sighed and held his arm closer to her, resting her cheek on the soft material of his jacket.

"You all right?" He asked her.

She sighed again, and wanted to say no. She wanted to tell him that she wasn't okay, and that she had something important inside of her heart that he needed to know. Selphie hated it when she felt like this. She thought she was lucky, happy with the simplest of things. But on days when she realized that something was missing, she always knew who it boiled down to. And now that she had the chance to let him know, she was too afraid to tell him.

"You're down, aren't you? I'll show you a secret," he grinned down at her, "and then we'll get the car." Irvine steered her away from the path, through a small patch of woods, and onto a cliff.

Selphie was a little down, and the fact that it was obvious made her feel bad. She was being selfish, and wasting Irvine's night with her foolishness.

"Look down there," Irvine said, pointing off of the edge. Selphie did so, clinging to Irvine's arm in excitement. What was down there?

"HORSES!" Exclaimed Selphie, looking back at Irvine with the biggest smile she'd had all day, "Oh wow!" She watched as they grazed on the lush, green grass. Every once in a while one would look up and whinny. "They're beautiful. Do you ever go down there to see them?"

Irvine nodded, "Yeah. They're a little shy, but if you visit them long enough, some of 'em will even come up to you. I've been coming here to watch them even before I lived at Balamb," he smiled, and they watched the horses for a little while longer. "Ready?"

Selphie retained her smile and nodded again, happy that he'd shared the horses with her. If he'd shown her something like that, then maybe his feelings for her were a little stronger than she thought.

"I'm sure next time you come here they'll come and see you, you're sweeter than honey on ice cream," Irvine laughed, leading her away.

"Sweeter than honey on ice cream?" She repeated, giggling.

"Much sweeter." His eyes lingered on her for a while, reaching over to push a strand of hair behind her ear. "Well, I supposed we should get to Trabia, right? I can't stare into those beautiful eyes all night. I promised to take you to your friends."

"Why?" She asked, feeling a little bit brave.

"Because you're a dear friend, and I'd do anything to make sure you were happy. And, I don't intend to break my promise, 'specially since it's such an easy one to keep!"

That wasn't what she meant, but she smiled at him, anyway. Anyone that had Irvine pegged as a careless sniper was absolutely stupid, he was the best friend a person could have, and Selphie knew--she had tons of friends.

"Irvine, take me to the ocean. It's much too late to go to Trabia. Let's just walk out on the beach..."

"You sure? We can still make it to Trabia. I don't mind driving, and we can come back as late as you want," he continued their walk toward the city, but Selphie shook her head and led him the way she wanted to go.

"It's to pretty to be inside a garden. Next time you can take me to Trabia!" Selphie was amazed at how quickly she was regaining her confidence.

"As you wish."

She wondered if he'd ever catch on. A silent walk left her to her thoughts, and she schemed over how to make Irvine understand her. Before she knew it, they were standing on the long stretches of sand that complimented the shoreline of the Balamb Dukedom. The stars were unlimited here, falling into the dark, moon-dappled water. It was black on black with touches of iridescent white, and Selphie couldn't think of a more beautiful scene. This was where she had to tell him.

Kicking off her high heels, she ran toward the water, her pace slowed by the deep sand. "C'mon," she said, turning her head back to Irvine. He removed his shoes and socks and followed her, finally catching up to her when she'd already made her way into the shallow water.

When Irvine was beside her again, Selphie had a bunch of things she wanted to tell him. He was just as beautiful as the night, his hair trailing down around his back like the sky met the ocean, his bright stardust eyes dropping her like stars. She thought that she was being much more poetic that she normally was, and opened her mouth to say the first thing that came to mind. What she didn't realize was that Irvine was way behind her, his pants rolled up to his knees as he waded farther into the surf.

"The water's warm, Sef," he called out to her.

"Yeah? Then maybe I should toss you into it," she sighed to herself, making her way back to him.

"C'mere," he taunted, motioning to her. She felt like running and knocking him down, then shouting out at the top of her lungs. Her blood calmed as she walked. She took his hand, then waited to see if he would pull away.

He didn't.

Selphie laced their fingers and decided that she was ready. "Would you really never consider having a girlfriend?"

"What?"

She regretted her question at once--that wasn't what she'd wanted to say. Anna's words were haunting her now, though, and she wasn't going to tell him what she wanted him to know unless there was some sort of hope that it would be worth it.

"You love all women, right?"

"Selphie..." His protest was very quiet, so she continued on.

"What I mean is, you'd never have one girl, would you? You're a wanderer, and you're too selfish to give yourself to any one girl--"

"Listen, I'm not the one who rejects--" His voice was dark, and he'd turned his face away from hers.

"What?" She cut him off, mid sentence. Selphie wasn't even sure what he was going to say, but she knew that it was going to be against her, and she didn't want to be caught without a thing to defend herself with.

"Let me finish. Ever since we were kids you've been a great friend, but you've never wanted anything more from me. So why now?" He sounded confused as well as annoyed. He pulled his hands from hers to cross his arms over his chest.

"Because--"

"Is it because I'm a teacher now? Has that suddenly made me worth considering?" He didn't raise his voice at her, but it effected her as if he'd shouted through a megaphone.

"You could be a STUDENT and I'd still love you!" She countered. She covered her mouth quickly, and stared wide-eyed at him. That wasn't how she'd wanted to say it. It was romantic, and she was supposed to say it gently, under stars, in arms, not as if it were her weapon.

Irvine stood perfectly still, searching her face to see if she'd been sure about her statement. She wanted to run away, but there was no backing down now. She'd meant to do this all day! Even if it hadn't come out right, at least it had come out.

"How long?" He asked, breaking away from her again. He wouldn't even look at her now. "HOW LONG?" He demanded, this time turning to glare at her with narrowed eyes. He was impatient now, and bordering on some high, dangerous edge.

"Years!" Selphie snapped, tears threatening her eyes. It was true, wasn't it? That man from her dreams was a kid from her past--the minute she'd met Irvine she'd known who he was. Her destiny. And she tried to tell Squall that on the train after they'd first acquired him.

"Years?"

"Yes!"

"I've waited years just to find out you've loved me for years...Selphie.." Irvine was calm now, his voice quieter than ever.

"Yes?"

"Why did you make me wait so long? I practically buried my heart when I met you!" He grit his teeth, "I gave up on love when I met you! Damn it, Selphie!" He was upset with her, and she knew it. She'd hurt him, and she hadn't even known.

Selphie wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, resting her head on his back. He was very tense, but that didn't stop him from folding his hands over hers.

"I love you, Irvine Kinneas," Selphie whispered against the linen of his jacket. There, that was the right way.

"Selphie," he turned in her arms and brought his hands up to stroke her hair. "I almost can't remember how to do any of this. I made up a whole little scenario one time: what I would say, what you would say...it can't really be happening, I can't believe this," He was mumbling things that made sense to her, as she'd done the same. But it -was- true.

"What do I have to do to make you believe it?" She asked, looking up at him. The answer came to her without his response, and she pressed herself against him in an instant. As small as she was, she overpowered him, closing her lips over his, bringing her tongue against his, bringing her tongue against the roof of his mouth, forcing her way with him until finally, he kissed back, bringing her into the water as he went to his knees, kissing her with a need that matched hers. They were deep, Selphie knew even through the foggy, half-thought reality that was occurring right now. Her fingers traveled through his hair and he pressed her into the sand, covering her with his own body, squeezing her closer as her fingers brushed the nape of his neck. And then, he broke away from her, immediately getting to his feet and hauling her with him. He carefully brushed the sand out of her hair, but there was nothing that could be done about her dress. Irvine began walking toward his shoes, leaving her to wonder.

"He's just shared that with me...well, half of that...and now he's going to take me back to Garden and drop me off, and then we'll pretend that nothing has happened..." she was miserable, why was he doing this?

"I don't want to go back," Selphie called out to him, running to confront him.

"I think we have to go back," he disagreed, and his voice was final. "Put your shoes on." Irvine already began to walk back toward the school.

She did, then chased behind him, "But why? I DON'T want to go back!" Her complaint was louder, she really did mean it.

Irvine turned to her.

"Selphie," he sounded tired.

She said nothing, it was useless. He continued on. Selphie gave it one last shot--running toward his back and knocking him over with a tackle.

"We're not going anywhere," she told him.

He flipped her over, pinned her down, and locked his gaze on hers. "Selphie, I can't guess what will happen if we don't leave now."

"Maybe you can decide how you feel about me. Maybe--"

"I already know how I feel about you," he whispered against her ear.

Could this work? She had to make him stay with her!

"Show me," she whispered back, a little afraid of what he thought she may be implying. She wasn't afraid of what she was implying, but she was afraid of what he may think of her for doing so.

Irvine groaned, leaping off of her in haste. "Absolutely not," he said.

"Irvine!" She got to her feet and stepped into her shoes, why had he denied her?

"If I have to carry you the entire way, we're going back to Garden!"

Selphie sighed, following along behind him once again. "Let's go," she said, utterly defeated.

The two of them said no more, and the return to the Garden was just as silent as the trip to the beach had been. Irvine walked Selphie to her door, offering her nothing in means of a good-night. She watched as he retreated to his own hallway.

"What did I do wrong?" Thought Selphie, locking herself in her room and quickly changing into her pajamas, "what did I say to make him so upset?"

********

The next morning Selphie woke refreshed and happy. She showered, then hummed her favorite song as she dressed in comfortable jeans and a t-shirt. She made her way to the cafeteria next--breakfast would probably be something really yummy, and maybe Zell would even be down there to hang out with.

When she got there, she nearly turned and left. Irvine was there, surrounded by girls, destroying her with his looks--dressed in his Teacher's uniform, with his hair down. That wall she'd formed was gone now, and everything about last night was hitting her like a solid slap in the face. He didn't want her, and she guessed that it would stay that way because of the mistake she'd made.

"This is impossible," she thought to herself, "I don't even want to be here." Selphie realized that she was still staring at him, so she turned to leave the cafeteria. Only her friends could bring her good mood back now.

"Friends," she whispered. Suddenly, she missed Irvine terribly. He didn't love her, but that didn't mean that they couldn't be friends! What could stop the relationship they'd had before she'd been so stupid? They were best friends! Brightened by her revelation, Selphie knew she had to regain his friendship somehow.

"Hey, Sef." Zell was beside her again. What was with his knack for showing up just at the right times?

"Zell! Can you do me favor?"

"Only if you tell me what happened last night." He grinned, Zell was as good as any girl at gossiping.

"Bad things that I want to fix. Could you make me a friendship ring? Two? That fit together?" She hoped he'd say yes.

"For you and Irvine?" He wondered.

"Yes. I really made him mad last night--and I'm afraid that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore..but maybe..."

Zell knew how important this was to her, and quickly answered, "I'll get on it right away! I'll drop them off at your room soon as I'm done."

Selphie gave him a quick hug, and Zell shrugged her off. "Don't, Lily might ... see." He grinned, taking off down the hallway in his usual style. "Chin up, Sef!" He called, disappearing into his room.

She smiled at where he once stood--he was such a good friend.

"Now, to find Irvine..." she wandered around the hallways, she knew he had a class around here somewhere. Finding the right room, she sat at the closest bench. She'd wait until he came out.

About a half an hour later, he appeared, a stream of students following him. As they dispersed, Irvine was left only with a few female fans, who finished up their conversations and left, as well. Selphie took this as her chance and stood up, catching his arm before he could walk off.

"Selphie...what?" He sounded impatient.

"Can you come to my room later?" She asked.

"That's not a good idea." He responded, looking away from her.

"If you don't want to be my friend ever again, then don't come." She smiled and ran off, surprised that she'd managed to ask him for his time so easily. Maybe he would come! All she could do was hope for the best!

Selphie spent her idle time in the training area, but got back quickly so she could clean up and change into her favorite yellow dress. She didn't have to impress Irvine, so she felt no need to wear something attractive.

A knock on the door made her heartbeat race--was it him? She answered it to a grinning Zell, who tossed her an envelope and winked, waving his hand before she could thank him. He closed the door as he took off.

Selphie sat back down on her bed and opened the envelope. Inside were two shining silver rings, entwined together to make one. They looked like a rolling ocean wave, and she thought that they were the most beautiful things she'd ever seen. She tried the ring on, and found that it fit nicely--when she took the inner piece out (it was obviously meant to be hers), the outer ring wouldn't even stay on her thumb. It was perfect.

Another knock startled her enough to make her drop the rings, and she collected them quickly, then answered the door. This time, it was Irvine. She let him in and offered him a chair, then sat across from him.

"I want to be friends," she told him.

"You want everything." He responded, reaching to pull at the brim of his black hat.

"I know it must seem that way, but this is the most important thing to me. I want to be best friends again, like before. Is that possible?"

"Selphie..." she produced the rings, holding his up to show him.

"Zell made this for you, and this one for me. They're friendship rings. I know it doesn't make up for what I did..." she looked down at his hand, gently taking it and bringing the ring to his right-hand ring finger.

"Selphie, you know that I'm dating Quistis, right?" His voice was hard, and Selphie nearly dropped the ring.

"Then I really lost out, but you'll be happy." She said, keeping herself cheerful for him. She knew her heart would never mend--inside she was retreating, outside her personality would just have to cover for her.

"I can't wear this ring, as beautiful as it is," he told her, pushing her hand from his.

"But...it's a friendship ring," her eyes lowered as her smile fell--she couldn't keep this up. Tears stung as they collected, the most she could do was hold them back.

"Will she believe that? Probably not. And if she ever finds out about last night--"

"Oh, she wouldn't care."

"Selphie, we've been dating for a month."

"Why didn't you tell anyone? I mean, we're all your friends, aren't we?"

"Because she's not my exclusive girlfriend, and it's really no one's business!"

"I love you, Irvine! I want us to be friends!" She felt panicky--this did not happen to her! Tears began to trail down her cheeks. She hugged her knees to her chin as she protected her heart. Irvine stood up, looking down at where she was curling up on her bed.

"We will be friends again someday," he told her, nodding as he spoke.

"Why not now?" She whimpered.

"Give me time," he mumbled, glancing down at his feet. Selphie grabbed his sleeve and yanked him hard, pulling him down on her bed.

"No," she said, embracing him as they settled against the pillows.

"Selphie," Irvine's protests were muffled, he made them as his lips found her neck and pressed softly against it.

"Don't leave me for Quistis, I just didn't know how to tell you before! I've known for so long, Irvine..."

He ignored her and brought his mouth against her earlobe, nibbling gently. His hand found hers and he uncurled it, taking the rings from their place in her palm. He pushed his own on and spread out her fingers, sliding hers on with a soft motion. "Marry me, Selphie," he whispered, taking her left hand and placing it against his chest. The cold metal of her ring was there--had he meant those words? "I can say things to hurt you but they hurt me even worse. I can lie to you with malice but I only wreck my own heart, take me back and forget all of the things I said..."

"Mmm," she mumbled as he bit her throat. What was truth now? Did he really ask her that question because he didn't want to lose her? Was he going to keep her close because it had taken so long for her to tell him her own feelings?

"I mean it," he continued, "I love you. Don't let me worry about keeping you mine," his words were cut with depression. He did love her, she knew it was so true. Selphie opened her eyes to meet his and found that he was telling her the facts. His dusky blue eyes held no secrets now, and he held her closer and touched his nose to hers. "Please, Sefie, please be mine..."

He was making her heart beat even faster.

"Of course I will," she whispered against his lips, "I love you." She closed her eyes. This was final.

His hand tightened on hers, and he smiled against her kiss.