A Night At The Alley

[09.19.99] » by Imp Mayhem

A NIGHT AT THE ALLEY,

or Wedge and Biggs find another way to die.

By Imp Mayhem

Sephiroth stared at the perfect black orb in his hands. He could feel the power in it, the energy that could destroy, that

could obliterate, that could bring him the victory he desired. Yes. The time was now. The universe linked and converged in his

mind as he held the sphere up. It was beautiful. His enemies would fall before him. His foes would bow at his knees. He

prepared himself; the world seemed his, and his alone. It was time. He was becoming one with th-

"Yo, Sephiroth! Hurry up an' bow', foo!!!"

The Son of Jenova nearly dropped the 20 lb. Brunswick on his toe.

"Do you mind, Barret??" Sephiroth spat as he spun to face his team captain. "I just happen to be setting up my shot! You

may not have realized this, but this game takes a great deal of finesse and concentration!"

"Concentration my #@&%!^!!" Cid impatiently took a drag from his cigarette, tapping one of his bowling-shoe clad feet

against the tile floor. "You've spent twenty goddamned minutes lining up your %#^$@% ball!! We're eight $^#&@^ing frames

behind Cloud's team thanks to you!!"

Sephiroth struggled to regain his composure; the Son of Jenova did not allow Himself to be rattled by mere mortals. "You

simply don't understand, Cid. You cannot rush these things. All things are connected, and therefore one must wait for all things

to be aligned. You must become one with your ball, or-"

"If you don' bow', I'm gonna make it become one wit' yo' ass, Suckaroth!!"

"I'd advise against taking that tone of voice with me, Barret. I am the great-"

Barret aimed his gimmick arm at Sephiroth; the loud click of machinery setting in place seemed to echo throughout the

alley.

"I hepped kill you once fore, Sephiroth!! I can do it gain!! I SAYD BOW, FOO!!!"

Sephiroth swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. Wordlessly - trying to appear cool and nonchalant, even

though he was scared out of his wits - he turned around and lined up the ball with the alley.

A moment of concentration. All things were connected. He was one wi-

"BOW'!! NOW!!!"

"Alright, alright!!"

Sephiroth sent the ball spiraling down the alleyway; it spun on a straight course down the aisle. Victory glittered in his

mako-green eyes. And then...

"Left! Left! LEFT! GO LEFT! I COMMAND YOU TO GO LEFT! LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT

AAWWWWWWWW CRAP!!"

Sephiroth stamped his foot on the wooden edge of the alley and sulked his way back to the plastic bowling alley chairs.

Aerith smiled sweetly and made a mark on the score sheet. "Okay, that's another zero points for Sephiroth, bringing your

team's total to...uhm...three!! Barret, it looks like your team's losing! Tee-Hee!!"

Barret scowled at Aerith. "Shut up, girl!! I ain't seen you bow' anythin' udda dan a guttahball all night!! So shut yah hole!!

You bow' worse dan Punkaroth ovah there!!"

Aerith continued to beam her sacchrine-coated smile. "Maybe, but my team's still wiiiiinniiiiiiing..."

Grumbling, Barret turned back around to his team, refocusing his scowl on Sephiroth.

"Daym, man!! What's dah mattah wi'd you?? I've seen bettah bowlin' at the ol' folks home!!"

"Hey! You rushed me!!"

"Youse was takin' too daym long!!"

"Don't blame this on me, you sad Mr. T reject!"

"REJECT?? I PITY TH' FOO' WHO CALLS ME REJECT!!"

Barret slammed his fist into a nearby bowling ball, shattering it into splinters. Sephiroth's eyes went wide in shock, and then

he hung his head meekly. There was a time when he'd PALE HORSE the loud man into a frog, but...no...ever since he'd died,

Sephiroth just didn't have it in him.

Barret brushed bits of bowling ball off of his blue-and-purple polyester shirt.

"Yo!! Cid!! Get yo' chain-smokin' ass up dere!! AN' YOU'D BETTER NOT SCREW UP!!"

*

Wedge, the manager of the Golden Saucer bowling alley, glared at the players on lane 87. They'd walked in about an hour

ago; ten strange hero-types (well, eight hero-types, one villain-type, and one cat on a robot moogle) dressed in tacky,

multicolored bowling shirts. Five of them wore shirts declaring them to be the bowling team 'Cloud's Commandos' - the blonde,

spiky-haired guy, the three girls, and the weirdo in the red cape, to be precise. The other five - the cat riding the robot moogle,

the wolf/panther/whatever, the big black guy with the gun on his arm, the foul-mouthed chain-smoker, and the 'villain-type' -

wore similar shirts that showed them as 'Barret's Bruisers.' None of them looked like they'd ever seen the inside of a bowling

alley before.

"Dammit. Why do I get all the weirdos?" Wedge asked himself as he stared at lane 87. They'd already managed to lose

ten balls in the short time they'd been playing; two of them had managed to get imbedded in the wall, now a permanent part of

the alley's decoration; four had been shattered to bits by the guy with the gun arm; three more had 'disappeared' (although

Wedge thought that the jailbait with the shuriken had a suspiciously large backpack...), and the last one had inexplicably

managed to shoot through the back of the alley, damaging one of the Gold Saucer's structural supports and closing down the

Chocobo Races until it could be repaired. Wedge suspected that two more balls might be found missing anytime soon - the

brunette in the miniskirt seemed unnaturally buxom...

A string of curses from lane 87 broke Wedge's train of thought. The foul-mouthed weirdo had somehow managed to send

his ball bouncing into lanes 86, 85, 84, 83, and 82, finally earning a strike in lane 81.

"That counts! That @#&!& counts!! Don't you #^@%@ tell me it doesn't count, Aerith!! I knocked the damned

#^@%^# pins down!! It's a #*@&&@* strike if I ever saw one!!"

Wedge sighed. Retirement was starting to look awfully good...

"Uhm, Excuse me sir? Kupo?"

Wedge looked for the source of the voice. He peered around the counter, but couldn't see anyone.

"Down here."

Leaning over the edge of the counter, Wedge managed to make out the figure of a moogle in a black Really Cute Animal

Characters band t-shirt.

"Yeah?" Wedge asked, taken aback by the sight of a groupie moogle.

"Well, I was wondering if you could do something about those people over there - they're awfully loud, and it's hard to

concentrate with all the noise. Could you please ask them to keep it down or something?"

Glancing back at lane 87, Wedge caught sight of the wolf/panther/thing trying to push his ball forward with his nose - and

the black guy's anger when the ball fell into the gutter. Another dozen or so balls became piles of multi-colored powder, and the

ball returner earned itself another hundred battle-scars. And they were all coming out of Wedge's paycheck.

"Sure. I'll send someone over right away. Sorry for any inconvienience."

The moogle smiled. "Thanks! I really appreciate it!! Kupopo!!"

Wedge watched the moogle dance back to his lane at the other end of the alley, his T-shirt boldly displaying the slogan

Blue Blue Green!! as he scampered away. Moogles just kept getting weirder and weirder these days.

Grabbing the intercom, Wedge glanced back at lane 87, a migraine blossoming in his head at the annoying group. Turning

on the intercom, Wedge's disgruntled voice boomed out of the alleyway's speakers, momentarily disrupting a remix version of

Gilligan's Isle.

"Biggs? Please come to the main desk for assistance. Biggs to main desk, please. Thank you."

*

It was Cloud's turn. He held a 10lb. ball in his hands, eyeing the alley with his usual non-chalant attitude.

"Okay...I'm supposed to knock down those pins, right?"

Vincent winced, developing a migraine of his own. Ever since that episode with the lifestream, Cloud had become a

little...slow. "Yes, Cloud. You hit the pins. Preferably all of them, but just one will be fine for you. And try not - try NOT - to

get it into the gutter. Alright?"

"Huh? Oh yeah." Cloud squared his shoulders and held the ball before him, tensing up to hurl his ball down the alley.

"Uh, Vincent? What's a gutter?'"

This is going to be one of those nights. "Okay, Cloud - you see those lowered areas along the sides? Yes, the ones

shaped like upside-down tunnels, yes. Well, those are the gutters. Can you say gutters? I knew you could. Now, try to keep the

ball from going into those things, got it?"

A minute passed. Vincent hoped something of what he'd told Cloud had managed to sink in...

"Uhm, what's this ball for again?"

Vincent had to repress the urge to take on his HELLMASKER form and chainsaw Cloud into a mess of unidentifiable

chunks.

Aerith came bouncing up, giggling cheerfully. Vincent suddenly found himself in the middle of an Airhead Sandwich - the

thick-headed Cloud on one side, the cheerleader-perky Aerith on the other. It was times like these that he wished he'd stayed in

his coffin back home at Shinra mansion.

Aerith took no notice of Vincent's discomfort. "Here, let me help, Vinnie. Okay? *tee-hee!*"

Vincent looked at Aerith with an irritated look in his eyes. "Aren't you supposed to be dead or something?"

"Oh, I was - but Yuffie managed to find the secret 'Aerith Resurrection Materia' on disc 3. She played the 'Midgar Theme'

on the secret Noseflute item in Wu-Tai, and then she managed to defeat the super-secret Cubic Zirconium weapon to get the

Rejuvenation Ring, which meant I could come back! Wasn't that nice of her??"

A Squaresoft games developer suddenly appeared from the next lane. "THAT IS AN UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR,

ONE WITH NO BASIS IN FACT. THERE IS NO AERITH RESURRECTION MATERIA!! THESE ARE LIES, ALL

LIES!!"

With a swing from her Fairy Tale staff, Aerith clubbed the Squaresoft games developer unconcious and tossed his body

into the ball return. Apparently unaffected by Aerith's uncharacteristic streak of violence, Vincent glanced back at Cloud to find

the young man sticking nacho sauce into his ball's finger-holes.

"Sure." Vincent said, wiping bits of game developer off his cloak. "Just don't call me Vinnie. I hate that."

"Okay, Vinnie! Byeeeeee!!" Aerith slipped off to help Cloud, leaving an annoyed Vincent in her wake. Vincent shook his

head sadly and ordered another beer from the bowling alley bar - he needed something to take the edge off of this weird

evening.

Meanwhile, Aerith had skipped up beside Cloud, who'd just realized that the bowling ball was capable of rolling.

"Cloooouuud!! D'you want me to show you how to bowl?? I'm really good!!" She batted her eyelashes demurely, giving

Cloud a faceful of cuteness. Cloud, apparently unaffected by Aerith's powerful female charms, merely nodded with his usual

lack of personality.

"Sure. So - what're are we playing again?"

"BOOOOOWL-IIIIING, silly! *tee-hee!* You see, this is the ball." Aerith took Cloud's nacho-laden ball in one hand.

"And this is the lane!" She pointed out at the dent-scarred lane with her other hand. "Now, this is how you bowl, okay? Just

relaaaaaaax, and I'll walk you through it."

Cloud shrugged. As usual.

Taking this to mean 'yes,' Aerith suddenly encircled Cloud in her arms, grabbing his bowling arm in one hand and his waist

in the other. She slowly - very slowly - began guiding him through the motions, swaying left and right to some unseen rythm.

"Okay, niiiiice and eeeeeasy....eeeeeasy....ooh! Very good! *tee-hee* You have such a flat, muscled stomach, Cloud!

Okay, just eeeeeease into it....eeeeeease into it....oh yeah...oh...oh, that's good, Cloud....ooh...just a little to the left, there - oh

perfect...oh, Cloud, you've almost got it-"

Tifa walked up behind Aerith and forceably ripped the flower girl off of Cloud. "Hey! What do you think you're doing with

my boyfriend??"

Vincent rolled his eyes. Great. Here we go again...

"Your boyfreind?!? Cloud's going out with me!!" Aerith snapped back at Tifa, again manuvering herself around Cloud.

"Like hell he is!! Why would he want to go out with some vapid airhead like you??"

"Airhead?? You're one to talk, Miss chest!! Why don't you put down the ball and try bowling with those!?"

Tifa reeled in shock. "Why you little!!!....rrrrrmmmm!! Cloud, kindly tell this stereotypical love interest that you're dating

me, not her!!"

"Whatever, Tifa! You just can't accept the fact that I'm the cute one, and you're the one created to garner male interest!!

Cloud's going out with me!!"

Vincent reclined in his plastic chair, sipping his can of Chocobrew and murmuring to Yuffie. "Oh Gee. More stereotypical

'Tifa-plus-Aerith-plus-Cloud-equals-trouble' crap. I'd hoped someone might do something original with this fanfic."

"Like, no duh." Yuffie sat back in her own chair, her bowling shirt three sizes too big for her. "This is more retarded than,

like, Saved by the Bell."

Vincent nodded in mute agreement. "Why did we agree to come with those two?"

Yuffie shrugged, nearly disappearing into her huge shirt. "Like, I dunno. Aerith said something about quality time.'"

Another sip from the Chocobrew. "Translation: Aerith wants to hit on Cloud."

"Yup." Glancing at Vincent, Yuffie's face twisted grotesquely. "Vincent, you know, that bowling shirt looks, like, totally

grody on you. Especially with that cape."

"Don't remind me. I'm burning this damned thing as soon as I get back to Shinra mansion. Remind me never to go out with

Tifa, Aerith, or Cloud again."

"Like, fer sure." Yuffie said, patting Vincent on his shoulder and subtly pocketing his Summon Bela Lugosi and Look

Cool In A Cape materias.

Meanwhile, oblivious to Vincent and Yuffie's little conversation, Tifa and Aerith's bickering continued to escalate.

"I've seen more convincing love interests in Mario RPG!! Aerith, you're so damned two-dimensional that you buy your

bras in negative numbers!!"

"Oh, I wouldn't talk about bra size if I were you, Miss Carmen Electra!! I've always wanted to know - do you have a tag

sewn to your butt that says 'In the event of emergency, I double as a flotation device??'"

"Shut up, you Terra rip-off!!"

"Lara Croft clone!"

"Anal-retentive clown!"

"Hentai centerfold!"

It was at this point that Biggs walked up, clad in his Golden Saucer bowling alley uniform and a name tag that said "Hi! I'm

Biiggs, and I'm here to help you!!" However, Aerith and Tifa were so wrapped up in their name-calling that they didn't notice

him approach.

"Slut!!!"

"Uhm, excuse me..."

"Goody two-shoes!!"

"Ladies? Hello?"

"Why don't you admit the fact that Cloud and I are destined to be together!? Cait Sith said so in the Temple of the

Ancients!!"

"Oh yeah, I'd trust Cait Sith - trust him to be the biggest screw-up on the face of the planet!!"

"Hey!" Cait Sith replied, wounded.

"SHUT UP!!" Tifa and Aerith said together, the force of their outburst knocking Cait Sith off his bowling-shirt clad

robo-moogle.

It was at this moment that Biggs began to doubt the sanity of getting involved.

"Uhm...*ahem* excuse me?"

"Cloud, which one of us do you like better??"

"Ladies? If I could have a word with-"

"Yeah, Cloud - do you like cute little meeeeee, or that silicon-saturated bimbo over there??"

"BIMBO???"

"Hey, ladies-"

"Come on, Cloud! Say something!!"

"Tell this vapid waste of flesh to get the hell out of your life!!!"

"Tell this surgically enhanced inflatable love-doll to leave our wonderful relationship alone!!"

"Look, I hate to interuppt, but-"

"WHAT!?!??!"

Aerith and Tifa turned on Biggs with such fury that the poor guy was knocked off his feet. He hurried to pick himself up,

wondering if there were any openings down at the Battle Square.

"Uhm...hi. Uh, we've had some complaints from the other bowlers...uhm...could you please keep it down a little?

Otherwise, we're gonna have to ask you to leave. Sorry."

Tifa and Aerith fumed for a second, and then the two of them began to calm down. A crimson blush of embarrasment

covered their faces. Aerith began stammering out a quick apology.

"Oh...er...sorry. We didn't mean to disturb anyone."

"She started it!!" Tida snapped, jabbing her finger at the guilty-looking Cetra.

"Did not!!"

"Did too!!"

Biggs held up his hands. "Look it doesn't matter who started it...er...just don't do it. Y'know. Or I'll have to kick you out.

Hey, I don't make the rules here. I'm sorry. Oh, and sir?" Here he pointed to Cid, who was helping Barret tear down

Sephiroth's self-esteem. "I'm afraid you can't smoke in the bowling area - there are smoking sections in the back, but up here it's

just not allowed."

"#&@^! you, commander acne." was Cid's response.

Biggs was beginning to reach his limit. "Look, I'm paid to work here, alright?? It's my job!! I don't know about you guys,

But I get a measly four-hundred Gil a week working at this joint!! Now if you don't respect me, fine!! But don't get on my ass

just because I'm trying to keep from getting fired!"

Cid merely grunted and looked away, muttering something unkind about humanity in general. Aerith and Tifa, however,

looked suitably shamed.

"Look. I AM sorry." Aerith said. "I promise it won't happen again."

"Good." Biggs said, feeling a little releived

"Even if she started it." Aerith quickly added, edging away from Tifa and moving towards Cloud.

"Hey!! I heard that, you little @#&!&!!"

"Don't start with me, Tifa!! You don't want to get us kicked out of here."

"I didn't start anything!!"

"Like hell you didn't!!"

"Hey, Tifa? Aerith? I have something I need to tell you two - right now."

Tifa and Aerith turned from Biggs to Cloud with such speed that a small sonic boom was formed. They looked expectantly

at the suddenly-serious Cloud; they both knew that their time had finally come.

"Yes, Cloud? What is it?" Tifa asked, her heart pounding.

"Cloud, tell me! What do you want to say??" Aerith asked, her eyes bright with anticipation.

Cloud took a deep breath. The world seemed to halt for Tifa and Aerith.

"I'm supposed to throw the ball down the alley, right?"

*

"Excuse me, sir?"

It was the moogle again. "Yes?" Wedge asked.

"I just heard the most horrid ear-splitting screams from where those hoodlums're bowling. I thought you were going to do

something about it."

Wedge sighed. "Hold on, I'll take care of it."

*

Cid stuck a finger in his ear, trying to restore some sense of hearing.

"&@^%@!!!" He exclaimed, wincing in pain. "Those girls have some $#&@^ powerful lungs."

Red XIII, who had a more advanced sense of hearing than the rest, could only nod in agreement before collapsing to the

ground.

Biggs picked himself off the floor for the second time in a row. The world was all blurry; two Tifas and two Aeriths stood

before him, all four of them taking out their frustrations on a pair of bruised-looking Clouds that lay on the ground.

"Hey! Tifa!! Quit yo' foolin' an' bow'!!"

Tifa spun around to Barret and hissed furiously, suddenly convincing the huge man that the saying hell hath no fury' was

more accurate than he'd imagined.

Sephiroth, meanwhile, had gone to the snack bar for drinks - blinking in surprise at the fight over by the ball-returner, he

walked over to Vincent and whispered something in his ear.

"Uhm, Vincent, don't look now, but I think the management is on their way over."

Turning around, Vincent saw the approaching bulk of Wedge in the distance, his scowl apparent even from this far away.

"Oh, #@#&@^." Vincent swore in a crudeness that rivalled Cid's. "Just what I needed - the fuzz."

"The what?" Cait Sith asked, climbing back on his moogle.

Wedge looked at the still-prone body of Biggs, the two women beating up the blonde guy, the cat on the robot moogle,

the guy smoking in the non-smoking section, and the piles of bowling-ball fragments around the alley's chairs. Gil-signs began

ringing up in his head - it would take him forever to pay this stuff back.

"Alright, what's going on here?? Who's responsible for this!?!"

Yuffie quickly scooted her backpack full of bowling balls behind her chair.

Vincent stepped up to greet the manager. "Uhm, is there something wrong, sir?"

"You bet there's something wrong!! You've destroyed about 600 gil-worth of bowling balls and equipment, caused half

the other bowlers to leave, brought two pets in here -"

"I am not a pet." Red XIII exclaimed.

"That's Hanpan's line." Cait Sith countered.

"- violated the non-smoking policy, engaged in physical violence, and - to top it all off - you've used a contrived fanfic

plotline!! Now, unless you do something about it, I'm going to have to kick you out."

Vincent held up his hands in submission. "Alright - we'll leave. Just as soon as those two are finished." He jerked his thumb

at Tifa and Aerith, who were busy seeing who could leave the darkest bruises on Cloud's body.

Wedge looked at Vincent, shocked. "What?? You're just going to let them beat your friend up??"

"He's not my friend." Sephiroth murmured.

"I don't care if he's the President of Shin-Ra!! Unless you guys can act decently, I'm going to call security and kick your

worthless butts out of here!! Now get those two idiots to stop!!"

Vincent laid a hand on Wedge's shoulder, steering him away from the carnage. "Look - we've tried to stop this before.

This happens about every other day with these three; you can't have them in the same room without ending up with some sort of

violence. It's that whole love-hate thing. We've learned that we just have to let it run itself out - they'll stop in about ten minutes.

After that, we'll be more than happy to go. Trust me. I don't want to be here any more than you want us to be here."

"Ten minutes!?!? Look, I appreciate your offer to leave, but they need to stop NOW. This is MY job, and I'M the one

who's responsible for what happens in this alley!! If you're not going to do something about it, I will!!"

"I really wouldn't advise you to-" Vincent warned, but Wedge had already pushed his way through to the two irate women

and their helpless victim.

Aerith held Cloud up while Tifa let loose Limit Break after Limit Break on his semi-concious body.

"BEAT RUSH!! METEODRIVE!! DOLPHIN BLOW!! WATER KICK!! FIRE DANCE!!...Wait, wrong game -

my bad."

Wedge lay his hand on Tifa's shoulder. "Excuse me, MISS..." he said acidly. "I beleive you've alrady been asked once to

keep it down. If you don't stop, I'll be forced to revoke your Gold Tickets and kick you out of the Gold Sau-"

Tifa grabbed his hand before he got a chance to finish. Twisting it around, Tifa ripped Wedge's arm off and sent it flying

down the alley, spraying gore everywhere.

"OH MY GOD!!!" Wedge managed to scream before Tifa kicked him to the floor and plunged her hand through his

abdomen.

"MEXICAN LIVER PUNCH!!" Tifa screamed, grabbing Wedge by his liver and swinging his inert body around her

head. With a mighty shout, she tossed Wedge's body into the pins, scoring a perfect strike.

"That don't count." Barret said, despite the fact that no one was listening.

Biggs had finally managed to get off the floor - again - and saw his manager meet his grisly demise from Tifa's rage.

"Hey! You can't do that!! I'm going to call Dio and AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Aerith had grabbed Biggs by the collar of his uniform and rammed the butt-end of her Fairy Tale staff into his groin. As

Biggs lay writhing in pain on the floor - again - Aerith held her staff above her head like a golf pro, suddenly swinging down on

Bigg's head.

"Oh no!! Not agaaaaaaaain!!!"

The staff connected. Biggs' head shot off in a gruesome fountain of blood, spinning rapidly through the air. After coating

many of the alley's other patrons in gore, it landed on a poor moogle's head, rendering him unconcious and spoiling his perfect

winning streak.

Silence filled the building. Tifa and Aerith stood there, seething with rage, breathing heavily and soaked with blood. A few

seconds passed; slowly, intelligence seeped back into their eyes, and they seemed to notice their actions for the first time.

Cid, Vincent, Cait Sith, Barret, Sephiroth and Yuffie stared in shock at the display. Red XIII, being the most intelligent of

the group, had already left the alley and was hiding from the Gold Saucer security at Wonder Square.

"Oh my God...they killed Biggs and Wedge!!" Yuffie exclaimed.

Everyone else was too stunned to shout the obligatory "You bastard."

Aerith and Tifa glanced at each other, cheeks flushed.

"Oops." Was all that Aerith said. Tifa, wordless, nonetheless shared the same opinion. After looking around the mess

guiltily, Tifa finally whispered something in Aerith's ear, frantically looking at the exit at the same time. Aerith nodded in silent

agreement, then cleared her throat.

"Errr...Tifa, I'm feeling kinda, er, tired. Uhm...what say he call it a night? Huh?"

"Uhm. Good idea. Yeah. I'm pooped. Yeah. Uh - tired." Here Tifa faked a yawn, looking expectantly at the exit. The

sound of boot-clad footsteps began thundering in the distance. "Uhm, guys? We'll just...er...we'll meet you back in Corel,

okay?"

"Yeah...Corel." Vincent said numbly.

"Good. Okay. Thanks - er, we weren't here. Okay, we'd really like to stay, but-"

"THERE THEY ARE!!"

A battalion of SOLDIERs charged in through the fire exit, armed to the teeth with swords, machine guns, and grenades.

Tifa and Aerith looked at each other, then at the SOLDIERs, and then made a beeline for the exit. The SOLDIERs followed

them; soon, the sound of gunfire and of men's voices screaming in pain were heard.

Cid was the first one to speak.

"&@^!%@&!...." was all he could say for a long, long time. Then, after a while, he continued. "Alright - hands up for

everybody who wants to leave Aerith and Tifa here, and forget we ever #@*#@ knew em."

Everybody raised their hands.

They picked up Cloud's inert body and carried him out to the docking area. After loading onto the Highwind, they took off

for Shinra mansion at top-speed - but not before they managed to get a glimpse of a whole battalion of SOLDIERs, clad in

power armor and sporting dozens of materia, surround Tifa and Aerith with intent to kill.

"Think we should save em?" Vincent asked.

Everybody - except Cloud, who was unconcious - shook their heads no.

As the Highwind sped off towards Nibelheim, Tifa and Aerith began wondering how they'd let themselves get into such a

mess in the first place...

"It was your fault, you damned bitch!!"

"Like hell it was!! If you hadn't been hitting on my boyfriend-"

"YOUR boyfriend?? Let me tell you something, little miss thang!-"

"Shut up, you retard!!"

"Skank!!"

"SLUT!"

"Ooh, take that back!!..."

THE END

(Thank God)