Idol

[11.07.01] » by Graham Johnson

I wake up in the night. I feel trapped - I'm behind a glass wall.

I want to get out. I shout but... wait. I'm in bed. My sheets are

sweaty and twisted. I guess it was a dream. That means it wasn't

real. My pulse still pounds and my breathing is still heavy but that

doesn't matter anymore. Because it's not real.

My bed is damp and hot so I get out of it. I turn on the fan and

take a look around the room. Zack's gone. Somehow I'm not

surprised. The clock reads 4:23. It's late. I should be sleeping.

But I'm not, and I don't really feel like it now anyway. So what

should I do until everyone else gets up? I guess I could wander

around the saucer for a couple of hours. That'd pass the time,

right?

The lobby is empty except for the guy behind the counter. He's

dressed up like some sort of zombie. Must be one of the reqs to work

here. Putting on a 'haunted house' costume, I mean. I always kind

of liked dressing up as a kid. Loved the festivals where I could put

on a costume. I thought I had some good ones, too. I ask the guy if

he's seen Zack; he says he hasn't seen anyone except me all night.

It's weird. The guy answers in character - he talks like zombies are

supposed to talk. But I get the feeling he doesn't like doing it.

Why would he work in this place if he doesn't like dressing up and

acting?

I take the tubes to the track. As usual, it's loud and bright.

But it seems a little different now. Can't quite put my finger on

it. I go up and watch a race. Don't bet anything, though. I sit in

the stands and watch the race begin. The jockeys and their birds are

raring to go. They seem excited. I look around the stands and

realize what's different about the track: it's empty. I think I'm

the only person here. That means before I came it was completely

empty. But they kept the race going, the lights blinking, the music

playing. Reminds me of a toy robot I had as a kid. It was motorized

and you didn't see those things in Nibelheim too often. The first

night I had it I accidentally left it on all night. And all night it

walked its walk and lighted its lights and sounded its sounds. But

no one was there to see it. I think I was sad the next morning when

I came down and found it with dead... wait. That wasn't me. That

was just a show I saw once as a kid. Anyway, I thought about that

robot sometimes. I wondered how it felt, spending its one night of

life performing for an absent audience.

The pack is climbing up the spiral. These guys are pretty slow.

And they're doing it all wrong. They aren't even trying to stay on

the inside. You're supposed to do that in a race. Hug the curves and

all that. Where did they get these guys? They must be pretty

desperate if... hey. The guy in the lobby; the one dressed up like a

zombie. Maybe he just needed the money. We are right next to North

Corel, and they seemed pretty desperate there. That would probably

explain it.

I look at the race again; it's over. What happened to the rest

of the track? Anyway, all the jockeys are bouncing around on their

chocobos, waving to the crowds, cheering, hooting. They all look

very excited. But there aren't any crowds. There's just me and I

don't care. Who do they think they're cheering to? Are they even

real? The track is mostly virtual; it doesn't seem it'd be too hard

to have virtual jockeys too. That way they could control the races

completely, make lots more money. It would make sense. Wait. I've

raced in one of these things myself. I guess that means at least

some of the jockeys are real. But what about the others? Are there

human jockeys racing against virtual opponents? That doesn't seem

like it'd be fair. The jockeys think they're racing against people,

not objects. There's a difference, you know. Suddenly, I remember

something Bugenhagen once said: "All things have life. Even the

inanimate. For just as the Planet casts spirit into our bodies and

thusly creates what we call the living, so do we cast the attributes

of life onto inanimate objects. They thusly live fully within our

minds, just as we live fully within the Planet's dreams." I get up

and leave. The track is getting on my nerves.

I walk down the stairs away from the track and listen to the

ringing my shoes make on the steps. I get down to the railing and

look out. I can still hear the music from the track. I've got

pretty good hearing, you know. Has something to do with all the Mako

treatments I got. My night vision's good too. But I can hardly see

anything now; there are too many lights up here. I grab the railing

and shake it idly. Can't even see North Corel. There's movement on

the desert floor, but I can't quite see what it is. Well, I can see

the moon at least. I listen. I can hear the music, my breathing, a

groaning of metal, the buzz of the lights, a whine of gears, and

"Hey Cloud." I snap to attention.

"Oh. Hey."

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Yeah. A dream woke me up."

"Really? Remember any of it?"

I think. "No, not really."

"Yeah, I can never remember my dreams either. Probably better

that way."

"I dunno." I look at Zack. "Where were you? You were gone when

I woke up."

"Oh, here and there. Just walking around. Taking in the sights.

You know, this place is.. ah.."

"Unreal."

"Yeah, that's it. It's unreal. This is... what? The third time

we've been here? I can still hardly believe someone actually built

this thing."

"It must've taken forever to build."

"I dunno about that. It's not as sturdy as it looks. I think

it's kind of like a giant tent: huge but held up by nothing but a

few poles and ropes. I think it'd probably blow over in a strong

wind... There! Did you feel that?"

"Yeah."

"See? It just moved. The wind must've blown it."

"I don't feel any wind."

"There's always wind, Cloud."

I look at Zack and think I see a breeze tugging at his hair. "I

guess you're right."

"But anyway, I wasn't talking about how big it was. I mean...

well just look around you. What's the purpose of this place?

Amusement? Escape? Vanity? I don't really know. I don't even know

if it /has/ a purpose. And look at the design. It's just plain

silly. But even with a silly design and no purpose someone built it

anyway. That's what I don't get."

I guess I know what he means, but I think I can sort of understand

why someone would build the Golden Saucer. I don't really feel like

talking about it though. "So why are you up?"

"Oh, I couldn't sleep. Every time I tried I'd start to think

about that cat."

I'd forgotten about it until he mentioned it. "Hey, this is where

it happened, right?"

"Yeah. Tifa and I were up there." He points. "The cat was about

where you are, and the helicopter was right there." He nods to the

space directly above him.

I can imagine the scene very clearly. The look on Tifa's face,

the way the sound of the helicopter echoes off the stairs, even the

guilt in Cait Sith's voice.

"I guess we had it coming." I can tell Zack doesn't agree. "We

shouldn't have been so trusting. After all, we didn't know anything

about him and he basically invited himself in with us. Seems kind of

suspicious now."

"Are you saying it's our fault? That's shit. We aren't to blame

here. It's that damn cat... the little bastard. I trusted him."

"Yeah, so did I."

"And now he thinks he's got us by the balls. Thinks he can make

us act like nothing happened."

I shrug. "There's nothing we can do about it. I don't like it

any more than you do, but there's nothing we can do."

"I can think of a couple of things."

I can think of a couple of things, too. "Well, you need to think

about Marlene. And Barret. We have to do what he says for now."

Zack gives me a look. I know what he's saying but I won't listen.

It's too tempting. Time to change the subject.

"How'd it go with you and Tifa?" I don't want to know, but it's

the first thing that comes into my mind.

Zack knows what I'm doing, I can tell. He looks at me and frowns.

Then he sighs and leans against the railing. "It was fun."

"Where'd you go?"

"We were in a play. You should've come."

He'd asked me before they left. What the hell was I supposed to

say? If she'd wanted me along she would've said so. "...wasn't in

the mood I guess."

"Bullshit." He stands and idly shakes the railing. "Youd've

liked it. We got thrown into the lead roles of some dumb play. It

was your type of thing."

"So what was the play about?"

"There was a knight, a king, a princess, a dragon - you know the

routine."

"Yeah. How'd the crowd like it?"

"We didn't really know what the hell we were doing, so the crowd

was pretty much laughing at us the whole time. I think they liked it."

"Wasn't there a script?"

"Not really." Zack grunts a laugh. "I don't think it would have

made much of a difference."

It does sound like it was fun. I can almost see the amusement of

the crowd and the confusion of the cast. Tifa looks both confused and

amused. I think she had fun too. Good. Wait. Is that good?

"So what else'd you do?"

"We went on a gondola ride."

"And..?"

Zack laughs. "Relax. Nothing happened. Unless you count

uncomfortable silence as something."

"I was just asking."

"Sure, tell me another one. Listen Cloud, you really need to talk

to her more. Let her get to know you. She likes you, you know."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Tifa, stupid. Who do you think I'm talking

about?"

"Tifa and I are just childhood friends, nothing more."

"Sure. Cloud, let's get something straight. Tifa's not my type.

I don't need another mother."

"Ok. What does that have to do with me?"

"Quit acting stupid. It's pissing me off. I'm trying to help you

out here. But you're gonna have to do /something/. I can't do it all

by myself. Tifa's not my type but-"

"But I suppose Ae-"

"Don't even start. You know how it is between her and me, hell,

how it is between her and you. We both met her at the same time,

remember? She and Tifa are completely different beasts." He gives me

a short look. "I've been keeping my hands off Tifa so far because

you're my friend. But if you keep this stupid act up much longer I'm

going to start taking you at your word."

"And what doe-"

"Just shut up. Tifa's not really my type, but she likes me pretty

well. And eventually-"

"Goddammit Zack you can'-

"I can and I will. Tifa's a big girl; she can decide for herself

what she gets into. And if we get into each other I won't complain -

she's too nice a piece of ass for that, my type or not. But she'll

get tired of me, Cloud. She'll get tired of me, move on and find

someone else. And I guarantee she won't find you after she's been

with me."

"Whatever. I'm going to the arena." Zack doesn't say anything

and looks out over the railing. I walk up the stairs and try not to

think about what he said. Crazy bastard can't even remember he and

Aeris used to go out. I take the tubes to the arena and sign up for a

fight.

I run out of GP after about an hour. You know what the great

thing about fighting is? It focuses you. No stray thoughts or weird

memories coming at you. Nothing except the present. You just move,

watch, react and feel. It's kind of relaxing. I feel better now.

After about a half an hour, pretending to cut Zack down again and

again got old, and when it did I began to enjoy the fights. I look

around the arena entrance. If I leave I lose all my BP. That means I

should use them before I go. I exchange them for something - already

forgot what - and look at the clock. Nearly dawn. That means there

will be a sunrise soon. Haven't seen one of those in a while. I

think I'll try and catch it before the others wake up. Aeris tends to

sleep in, you know. I suppose I'd get the best view from that gondola

ride Zack was talking about.

I take a tube to the ride. The guy behind the counter says I need

GP to ride. I'm all out of GP. That means I can't... wait. It's

nearly six in the morning. This guy is at the end of his shift. He

looks bored, tired, and a little grumpy. I slip the guy some gil and

he looks the other way while I go through the gate. I open the

gondola door, step inside, and see Zack curled up on the iron floor.

I blink. Dammit, I don't need this right now. Why couldn't he

pick some other time to go crazy? Sometimes I think he does this just

to... well whatever. I guess I should at least get him off the floor.

I sit him up on the bench and look at him. It's not good; he's

staying curled up even on the seat, his head bobs up and down and side

to side, and his eyes... well, they dance. It's like he's trying to

watch every drop of rain that's blowing by in an invisible

thunderstorm. I call his name; no response. I shake him and call

again; still no response. I try some of the materia I've got on me;

nothing. Medicines don't seem to do anything either. God damn it. I

smack him hard enough to draw blood. That seems to knock some of the

craziness out of his eyes, at least. They still dance, but now I feel

they watch something more real. Maybe.

I sit down across from him. He still looks bad, with his head

bobbing and turning like that. I shake my head.

"Zack. Can you hear me?"

"...hear..."

I nod. "Yes. Zack, listen to my voice."

"...my voice..."

"Zack. If you can hear me, heed what I say and look at me!" I

nod encouragingly. I knew he'd pull something like this. He's been

due one for a couple of days now.

"...heed..."

I shake my head. He's not looking at me. He's looking towards

the gondola door.

"Snap out of it, Zack! You've gotta come back to the real world!

I'm calling you Zack! Listen to my call and come back!" I realize

I'm shouting. Why am I shouting? Oh. There are fireworks going off

outside, and they're loud. Real loud. Hard to concentrate. I'm

shouting so he can hear me.

"...my call..."

I shake my head. This is getting nowhere. I look at Zack's eyes.

He's looking out the window, but I don't think he's watching the

fireworks. The movements of his eyes don't match up with the shapes

and movements outside at all. In fact, if I look in his eyes hard

enough I think I can see what he see-

No.

"Zack! This is not the way! You've gotta come out of this!"

"...the way..." He unfolds his legs and puts them down on the

floor.

"You can do it, Zack!" I nod and try to sound supportive. I

don't think it works. "Dammit Zack, I wish to heaven you'd stop

this."

"...to heaven..." He slowly stands up.

"What are you doing Zack? Zack, stay away from the door!" He

moves towards the door. "Zack don't open the door! The only thing

that awaits you there is a very long drop!"

"...awaits you..."

Fuck it. I'm tired of trying to reason with him. Some things

just aren't meant to be solved with the mind, I guess. Shaking my

head, I stand up between Zack and the door. For the first time, Zack

seems to see me. He looks surprised.

"You're staying in here, Zack."

He moves towards me and tries to push me away. I push back,

harder.

"I don't care what's calling you. We're staying here until this

thing gets back on the ground!"

He stands back up and looks at me again. He looks mad. That's

okay. I nod. That makes two of us. Crazy bastard pisses me off

sometimes.

"You know what your problem is, Zack? You're an actor! You've

got nothing inside you so you just put on an act! You've got a

different little act for everyone: one for me, one for Tifa, one for

Aeris, one for whatever the hell is in you right now! The others may

not notice, but I do! I know you, Zack! I know you like I fucking

know myself!"

Doesn't look like he heard me. Heh. Somehow I'm not surprised.

"Fuck this. Fuck reason. Fuck your voices. And fuck you." I

look into his eyes and he looks into mine. We know what comes next.

Zack's bigger than me, and he's usually a better fighter too. But

whenever he gets like this, he changes. He's still strong as hell,

but it's like he forgets how to use his body. Anyway, I know that if

this lasts too long he'll overpower me. So I step under his arms and

knock his feet out from under him. Then I grab his collar, pull my

head back, and smash it into his face. It's like hitting an iron

wall. I drop him on the floor and collapse on the seat above him.

I wake up as the gondola comes back to the platform. Zack's still

on the floor. I taste blood. I touch my forehead; it's bleeding. I

look around. Looks like I missed the sunrise. I guess I'll just

have... wait. I have to do something about Zack. And the ride is

over, so I need to get off the gondola.

I carry Zack off the gondola. The guy behind the counter gives us

some funny looks, but he doesn't say anything. Good, because I don't

feel like talking about it. I take the tubes back to the track. I

walk to the bottom of the stairs and put Zack down by the railing. I

use a piece of materia to wake him up. He doesn't look good.

"...you okay?"

"ugghh... yeah, I think so. My head is killing me though." So is

mine, thanks to his hard head.

I think about what I said to Zack on the gondola. I doubt he

remembers any of it; he usually doesn't. Zack grabs the railing and

stands up slowly. He doesn't look too sure on his feet yet.

He turns his head and gives me a weak smile. "I guess it happened

again."

"...yeah, I guess so." He probably didn't even hear it at all.

He's good at that - shutting things out, separating himself from

what's around him, that sort of stuff.

The sky is getting lighter, but I can't see the sun from this part

of the saucer. Too bad. The wind is picking up, too.

I look down at the desert. The morning mists are blowing around

down there. Weird. I didn't think deserts had mists. Too dry. I

guess they must burn off as soon as the sun hits them. It was all

true, of course. What I said to Zack. But that doesn't mean

anything.

"...hey Zack. Look at that. Mists in the desert."

Holding tightly onto the handrail, Zack slowly leans forward and

looks down. As he does, he looks somehow insubstantial, as though he

might blow away with the wind or dissipate with the coming of the sun.

You see, Zack knows how to live. Day-to-day life, dealing with people

and everyday responsibilities, the basics - he can do all that stuff.

"That's not mist, Cloud. It's dust. Clouds of dust. They'll be

there as long as there's a wind to blow them."

Holding onto the handrail, I lean forward, look down, and see thathe is right.