~Love Will Grow~

[11.07.01] » by Fritz Fraundorf

Some people drank to success. Others gambled, cheated on their spouses, or shoplifted. Zell Dincht's vice was reading Selphie's diary.

It was wrong, he knew it. He felt dirty raping her private life the way he did. But he was too dependent on it to stop. Stalking her only made his crush on her worse and worse, yes, but he didn't care - it seemed completely reasonable to have a crush on her when it was Selphie he was dealing with. She was everything he could ever imagine wanting: sweet, cheerful, playful yet internally wise. Caring. Funny. A skillful fighter, a talented designer, a budding musician. And most importantly, she was just Selphie. Hyne, it made him hurt...

He dreamed of what it would be like to be with her. He envisioned countless scenarios of life as Selphie's boyfriend in his mind, constructed perfect fantasies of what his life should be. He knew they would not come true, but he couldn't help but pretend. This was the way things should be. They were so like each other. He could see only how much more better life would be for them if they were together.

Hell, Squall had even admitted to him once that he thought they were a natural for each other when they had first met, and how caught off guard he had been when the sniper from Galbadia Garden had jumped into the picture - and into Selphie's heart. And while Leonhart was no expert on relationships, the fact that someone else saw it too instilled Zell with a latent but fervent hope that he was the one who was supposed to end up with Selphie, and this was all just some great big mistake that would be corrected eventually. Yes, he had Yuffie, but ... well, that was acceptable, and a lot better than nothing, but he knew that wasn't what he really wanted.

And so, whenever Selphie would mistakenly leave her room unlocked when heading out of Garden - which, given her absentmindness, was not at all infrequently - Zell would be compelled to make his pilgrimage up to her room. To the small wooden dresser beside the bed with the Chicobo sheets. To the top drawer, underneath the tissues, and to the stuffed Moogle doll inside which he would find the key. And then into Selphie's private life, a place where he definitely did belong in but from which he could not draw himself away.

Not that he begrudged Irvine in the least for being with Selphie. Irvine was a cool guy; he knew the girls all adored him. Irvine certainly had a fondness for Selphie, and they must be making each other happy, more or less. Rather like he and Yuffie were making each other happy...but less rather than more. Indeed, Zell knew it was just his own egotism that made him think he might somehow be better for Selphie, when Selphie by all accounts was already having the time of her life. He was the one at fault at here. The only problem was his own jealousy, his insistence on imposing himself on Selphie purely for his own happiness. Well, that wasn't entirely true -- he certainly wanted to make her happy, too, especially since she'd seemed down lately. In fact, part of the reason he'd reluctantly allowed her to hook he and Yuffie up was because he knew the success of her plan would bring a smile to her face. He wished he could always be the one to bring a smile to her face. But what did that matter? Nothing; it was a purely hypothetical scenario.

Even in her distant, unavailable, attached-to-Irvine state, however, Selphie was a source of perennial fascination and wonder for Zell. Because he had difficulty dealing with her in person -- he still wanted to be friends with her, and was paranoid that she'd realize what he was up to -- he voraciously tried to take in as much of her life as he could, to become a sort of psuedo-friend by silently commiserating with her all through her life. Reading her diary was his way of knowing and observing as much of her life as possible if he didn't really take part in it. He was witness to a fascinating breadth of experience and emotion, from her perennial eagerness for SeeD to her frustrations running the underappreciated Garden Festival Committee to the ups and downs of her relationship with Irvine. Selphie's life had been rendered in textual form for his consumption, even if the owner of the life in question didn't know it, and he ate up every bit of it he could. Hell, he probably knew her better than Irvine did, since it was pretty obvious that he didn't read her diary. None of it Zell ever spoke to her about, of course - as far as he knew, he was still in the clear and no one had any inkling of what he was doing. The fights he'd constantly pick with her about her band were really just to keep his cover entirely secure.

But one early afternoon he pondered writing something in response to a particularly distraught entry. On the anniversary of the attack against Trabia Garden, Selphie had fallen into an uncharacteristically melancholy mood, blaming herself for failing to stop the missiles in time and wondering if she wouldn't have been happier there. I don't mind B-Garden, I like it here, but no one really cares about me, she wrote. I try to smile and be nice to everyone but I'm so fucking sick of always being their stupid sidekick. I so just want to say fuck you to them all and go back to Trabia. Maybe they'd let me help get the Garden back together -- I need to work on something some cares about. I don't even know if that's what I want, though. And I'm tired of Irvine telling me over and over things will get better. NOT IF I DON'T MAKE THEM BETTER! Hyne, I'm just so lost. People keep saying it's all in my head and that no one really hates me. But I can tell they think I'm stupid. But maybe that's because that's I want I believe. I think it would be even worse if they really didn't hate me. Because that would mean they're being nice to me and I don't see it because I'd be just a self-centered distrustful bitch. Fuck it, I probably am. This isn't doing any good; I'm going to bed. ~ Selphie

Zell's heart cried out with futile empathy. Hyne, this was so frusterating. Why was it that all the bad influences got through to her and the people who cared about her so desperately much had to keep their mouths shut? He didn't want anyone to be unhappy, least of all Selphie, but there was nothing he could do even though he was really in a position to do so, was the perfect counterpoint to all that Selphie accused herself of. He was so tempted to at least leave a little anonymous note in the margin praising her and telling that she was certainly not reviled by everyone, but he knew Selphie would be able to recognize his handwriting. And then she would know what he was up to.

He sat and stared at the diary open in his lap. Poor Selphie, who couldn't find what she wanted. And poor jealous him, deluding himself to believing that he was what she wanted. He was so tired of being left on the outside of Selphie's life, able to watch it in great detail but never participate. He wanted if not to love her than to be at least be able to talk to and confide in her. But he knew that this image of he had of himself as her understanding savior was purely a fabrication of her ego; that in truth, he probably had none of the answers and could do nothing to help her, even if he spilled his whole story to her. And the last thing she needed was his stupid unrequited crush to deal with on top of everything else. She made such a good show of being happy to everyone, and he felt like he was the only one who knew the truth about the deeper Selphie underneath.

Zell jumped when he heard the doorknob turning. Acting as quickly as he could, he crammed the diary under the pillow and stood up just as Selphie entered. She did a double-take upon seeing Zell. "Um... hi?"

"Hey," Zell said awkwardly. He fumbled for an excuse, or even anything to say to her, while at the same time trying to conceal his humiliation. In the process, he suddenly realized he'd left the diary drawer open - but closing it now would only draw more attention to it. "Say, um... oh, never mind." He tried to inconspiciously reach behind his back and push the drawer shut. Then he remembered he'd stuffed the diary under Selphie's pillow. "Sorry. I'm going now." He started for the door, having decided the best form of damage control was just to get out of here as soon as possible.

Selphie, for her part, was equally befuddled. What was she supposed to say to him? She didn't really know what he was up to -- or, more importantly, why. In any case, it was over and done with, so she didn't have the heart to get mad at him. She did, however, have a morbid curiousity in which of her possessions he was rifling through -- but she couldn't just ask him that lest she seem too offended. She settled for an awkard "Um... okay... bye," as Zell left the room.

She methodically searched the room for signs of what he had been messing with. Her clothing seemed untouched; that ruled out the really weird things, at least. He hadn't taken any money, or any of her jewelry or SeeD medals ... not that she would have expected him to. Then she reached the bedside table and couldn't find her diary. She rummaged deeper into the drawer and still found nothing.

Uh-oh.

Of course, she could have misplaced it. She quickly checked the other drawers and the top of the desk. Still nothing. Eek! she thought. In a panic, she started to turn the room upside-down, and eventually found the missing diary underneath the pillow.

Her relief was fleeting, however, as it was rather obvious that Zell had been reading it. She started thinking what she'd written in it. A sinking fear grew within her as she thumbed through the diary, realizing all that Zell was privy to: Her feelings about all the other SeeDs, her bizarre little fantasies that she'd never admit to having, every spat she had with Irvine, even that one time she'd said she thought he was cute. Things she really hadn't meant for anyone else to see. Shit, they could be all over Garden by now. Her only salvation was the fact that she just couldn't imagine Zell doing something like that. Perhaps against someone like Seifer that he really hated, but not anyone he even reasonably liked, like herself. He was too much of a optimist to want to bring others down like that -- and even if he did, he was too impulsive and emotional to carry through with such a plan.

So why was he reading it? Certainly not for blackmail or for public spite ... perhaps he was trying to dig up some particular insight into personal life out of curiosity? Or perhaps someone else had set him up for it? But neither of those were very good explanations compared to the other explanation: Zell had a crush on her, was starting to obsess over her and stalk her. Somehow it just made sense.

The poor boy. She remembered how Squall had once privately admitted to her that he was surprised she chose Irvine over Zell. Squall had probably made the mistake of mentioning that to Zell too, and he was now hung up on some hopeless quest to ingratiate himself with her. She liked him as a friend, sure, but not that way -- although the idea of them as a couple was kinda cute. Okay, so I had a crush on him when I first met him, she quickly admitted to herself. But that was years ago. She pushed that rather embarrassing thought out of her mind. Her and Zell? Whatever.

Selphie pondered what to do. She knew Zell wouldn't confront her about it, so the only force compelling her to sort this was out was her own confusion with the situation. She locked the diary and set it back into its proper resting place, then wondered if she should move it to a new secure hiding place. Nah, he was probably way too embarrassed to even think of coming back. She could predict exactly what he'd do.

But was she going to do?

As Selphie predicted, Zell declined to approach her, let her alone to attempt to discuss what he had been doing. And so the next time the issue was brought up was when she was eating dinner with Irvine at an outdoor seaside café in Balamb Town two days later.

"Irvine, I kinda have a problem," Selphie admitted as she sifted half-heartedly through her salad. "See, I've been keeping a diary, and the other day I caught Zell looking at it..." Her voice trailed off as she realized that was really the end of the story.

"Yeah? What he was doing?" Irvine asked the most obvious question automatically. Then he started to wonder about the more important ones -- like, why hadn't Selphie ever told him about this diary of hers?

"Well, he wouldn't talk to me about it." Selphie shoved another forkful of salad in her mouth, though she was already starting to tense up and lose her appetite. Hyne, she didn't want to deal with this. Especially when she felt like she had to word each sentence just right to suit Irvine's expectations for their little conversations. Lately, she had really begun to feel like he didn't listen to a word she ever said. "I think he ended up with a crush on me somehow and has no clue what to do about it."

Irvine chuckled. "That sounds like Zell."

Selphie frowned. "That wasn't very nice," she said. "I mean... he's a nice guy, it's just that..." She stopped and looked off into space, gathering her thoughts. "I dunno; I feel kinda bad for him. He's a really sweet person and I'm sure he means well ... he's just so misdirected."

"Yeah," Irvine agreed vaguely. Yeah? Selphie challenged him mentally. Is that all you can say? 'Yeah?' Not even going to try to help me, asshole?

"He'll make a nice boyfriend for someone else, if only he could..." She sighed and slouched down in her chair. "I just don't what I should do. I mean do I say something to him, or...?"

"...kick him in the balls?"

"Do you have to make a fucking joke about everything?" Selphie snapped at him. It wasn't that the comment itself was really that offensive, it was the fact he apparently couldn't be bothered to give a damn about something that was clearly upsetting her ... which was really nothing new.

Irvine backed off. "Sorry," he said, leaning back in his chair. "You're right, that was uncalled for."

Both were satisfied, but at the cost of their good moods. Selphie picked awkwardly at her food, wishing the conversation would start itself again. "You're not that pissed off, are you?" Irvine asked.

"Nah," Selphie shrugged. The melancholy was growing ... there was nothing really wrong, and yet she felt like she could start crying and never stop. Something ... something just wasn't the way she wanted it, and it broke her heart to think about it. It was true, she spent so much time worrying about her friends, that to be forced to stop and think about something that was connected to and important to her… She closed her mouth, seriously concerned she'd burst out in tears if she tried to speak again.

"I did piss you off, didn't I?" Irvine accused. "Sefie, maybe if you didn't spend all your time worrying about other people..."

"No!" Selphie pushed her plate aside and stood up. "I just don't feel like eating. Can we go?"

Irvine rose and approached her. "Sefie ... I'm really sorry..."

Selphie turned around and shied away from him. She didn't want him touching her ... every time they spoke, they were just making it worse. "Nevermind," she said. "I'll be right back."

She ran off into some empty alley, and, as soon as she was alone, leaned her head against a wall and started to cry. Goddammit, here she was with an awesome boyfriend and so many friends in SeeD and she still felt so alone. Then again, she thought bitterly, there hasn't been much "awesome" about him lately. But she quickly wrote that off as a bit of unrepresentative, purely spiteful nastiness that had snuck into her somehow. It wasn't that she didn't like him, it was just that... just that...

She stopped crying and stood lost in thought. Hyne, half the problem was that she didn't even know the problem was. She was a stranger in her own soulless wasteland of a life, trapped within a stifling wave of non-happiness. Not even the comforting misery of unhappiness, just the awful, oppressive notion that she was going to get by, but never the way she wanted to. If she pretended it was okay, she could get by, but whenever she opened her eyes she saw only how empty and worthless this charade of progress was. And no one around her had any idea at all.

She longed to go back to the days when she couldn't stop thinking about him, was beside herself with joy over his existence, felt like her life was completely figured out. She was sure she had loved him then; that was the only way to explain how good she had felt, but if she really had been in love, then why this, now? Once they had seemed a complete and perfect match for each other. Now they couldn't eat a single fucking meal without bickering about the other's choice of words.

She cried for another ten minutes, then finally went to join him at the car.

Selphie finally got around to writing in her diary the next morning. It was getting harder and harder to face her feelings, and she was starting to put off her diary entries because she just didn't want to have to deal with "Irvine stuff" any more than necessary. Indeed, when she uncapped her pen and flipped to a blank page, she found herself facing a complete mental block. It was a natural defense mechanism, she supposed, to refuse to concentrate on her woes. She knew if she started really thinking about her life, she would have another breakdown. And she still didn't even know what it was that was wrong.

Hyne, she just wished there could be someone there to understand. Someone to look at her and say that, yes, this was happening because she was Selphie A. Tilmitt, not because she was "hypersensitive" or "frustrated" or "lonely" or whatever problems they tried to pin on her. She didn't have problems, not really; she was just she the way she was, and she was only still non-happy because no one had stepped up to the plate and understood her that implicitly. Irvine had already proved himself not to up to the task. Quistis? She was a dear friend, but was too different; she couldn't connect to Selphie the way Selphie needed. Squall? Too caught up in himself and Rinoa. Zell?

...

Zell?

Given what had brought all this on, Zell seemed like the last person she wanted to be turning to for help. But just as the notion of Zell having a crush on her had seemed so inherently obvious, the image of him as her understanding savior was now a perfect fit in her mind as well. He was a lot like her, she had to admit, and she knew that he'd go out of his way to help her. When it came right down to it, there was something about them that was just intrinsically alike, and she'd never really noticed it before.

Yes, maybe Zell really could do her some good. And at this point, she was so desperate that she didn't give a damn if he didn't. With the sort of tenacious, desperate hope that came naturally when there was only one alternative remaining, she raced off in search of Zell and found him just where she expected to find him: waiting in line for hot dogs in the cafeteria.

"Hey, Zell?" she said. "Can we talk for a sec... y'know, privately?"

"Um, I'm standing in line..." But he knew what was this about, and his burning desire for any sort of chance at Selphie - not to mention his desire to get this resolved - overpowered even his love of hot dogs. "Okay."

"Thanks!" Selphie grabbed his arm and dragged him off to an empty cafeteria, where she stationed him before her. She looked him in the eyes, "You were reading my diary, weren't you?"

"Yes," Zell admitted quietly.

"Good," Selphie said. She whipped it out of her pocket and stuffed it into Zell's surprised hands. "I want you to read it. All of it. Including February 7th."

"Um..." Zell stared at her. He was sure glad that she didn't seem to be mad at him, but he had no idea what the hell was going on here.

"Please?"

"O-of course."

"Good." Her commanding tones faded away and she looked sadly down at his feet. "Zell, I've been having a rough time lately, and I'd just feel a lot better if someone else knew everything I was feeling. I'm not expecting you to solve anything; I just want you to read it. Please?"

Wow. Zell was incredibly honored that Selphie would trust him with her diary. And not to mention a little excited about being able to talk to her personally. "Sure, sure thing," he said, clutching the diary possessively to himself. He still couldn't believe that Selphie had given this to him.

Zell, of course, had already read all of Selphie's diary. Including the February 7th entry, where she said she thought he was "a cutie." But at her request, he took it back to his room, sat down, and read the whole thing cover to cover. Six months of Selphie's life. Love, hate, happiness, anger, confusion, whimsy, depression, and her increasingly strained relationship with Irvine.

It took him four hours to read it all, but when he was done, he wished he could go on. This was Selphie's existence, right here in his hands, and he had to have more. More of her cheerful stories, more of her tender introspection, more of bemused observations of her peers, more of everything she did. More of her.

Well, he'd better get back to her. He could tell that this meant a lot to her, and while he didn't feel he was in any position to do so, he wanted to do what he could to support her. Besides, he wanted to talk to her. And perhaps, maybe, just maybe ... no, he'd better not get his hopes up.

Zell strode briskly up to the next floor and knocked on Selphie's door. "It's me," he said. Selphie opened the door and let him into the door.

Zell held up the diary. "I'm done," he announced.

Selphie was wide-eyed. "Already?"

"Of course," he said. "It was amazing; how couldn't I? I ..." He couldn't help but gush over her, but he realized he was starting to get a little out of hand. "Well, of course, I'd, um, already read it all, but..."

"All of it? Really?" Selphie wasn't quite sure why that annoyed her. Was it just because she was expecting him to be surprised? And if he had already read it all, had he just not cared enough to do anything?

"Yeah. I've been sneaking in for a long time. Sorry."

"No, no, I'm not mad..." She was actually rather amazed that Zell would take such an interest in her. Not that she didn't respect herself, but she couldn't believe Zell that actually risk her catching him for months just to feed a crazy, hopeless fantasy. She was certainly right that about Zell having a massive crush on her, that was obvious. But somehow to hear him speak of it, it was more cute than anything else. He was too much of an apologist to ever try to impose himself on her, so his awkward effusions were actually sweet, in a dorky sort of way. "I'm just... surprised, is all."

"Um... anything you want to talk about?" Zell asked. "I'm not sure if I can really do anything ... but if you'd just like ramble ... you know ... I'm all ears."

"Oh, I'd rather talk about something fun," Selphie said, anxious to get her mind off her stupid love life for once. "What have you been up to lately?"

"Um, well... I joined the Library Committee," Zell said. "I figured it out would be a good way to help out since I use the library a lot." There was also the issue of the pig-tailed girl ... whom he didn't actually like that way, but whom he really wanted to like. He felt enormous sympathy towards her: she felt about him the way she felt about Selphie. And since he knew how delighted he would be if Selphie took an interest in him, he wanted to be able to make her happy so she wouldn't have to suffer the way he did. It was an obligation, really; she was the only girl who cared enough to have him a crush on him, so he should reward her interest by getting with her. Which really made no sense, when officially he was supposed to be Yuffie's boyfriend. It was odd having a girlfriend who was not really very interested in doing much with him, and in fact, he was still not really sure she had as much a crush on him as the library girl had ever had. He started to think that maybe he'd ought to have a talk with Yuffie, because the truth of the matter was that he couldn't get past the fact that Selphie was the one he wanted. And it was only her voice that brought him out of his rapidly whirling thoughts.

"Aww, that's really nice of you. I'm sure they'll be delighted to have you."

"Eh, it's nothing. I'm not really doing that much."

"Sure it is," Selphie insisted. "It's hard to get people to help with anything these days. I've been here for two and a half years and I've gotten a whole two people to sign up for the Garden Festival Committee. I mean, not that I don't appreciate them a lot, but..."

That had actually been his first choice, but he was reluctant to approach Selphie about it. But now, he just couldn't pass up the chance to help out his favorite SeeD. "Hey, I don't mind helpin' out," he said. "If you want me to join."

"REALLY!?" Selphie gasped. She bounced up and down and clapped her hands. "Oh, Zell, you're my hero! Thank Hyne!"

Zell blushed. "Stop, you're embarrassing me," he said, although that was only half of it. It was embarrassing, yes, but Selphie could embarrass him with her praise as much as she wanted. He loved the attention. "Say, have you had any luck with getting a gig for your band?"

Selphie grinned. Zell had actually managed to mention her band without proclaiming how much they sucked. "Not really," she said. "But we've still been holding weekly practice ... and I play a lot of piano and guitar just by myself..."

"Yeah, you're pretty good," Zell said. "I've been trying to learn myself."

"You are!?" Selphie gasped. She laughed happily. "I had no idea; that's cool!"

"Well, I'm not very good," Zell said. "I'm sure you could humiliate me. But I think I'm getting better ... we should get together and play sometime."

"I'd be delighted." Hyne, it was happening, and she couldn't explain why. It was like she was falling for him by astral projection, her spirit out there on cloud nine with Zell's while she just sat there in disbelief. Getting more and more giddy as the conversation continued - everything seemed to be so right - she inquired, "Say, I have a bunch of silly little demos I recorded, do you want to hear them?" Normally she would feel so embarrassed to reveal her shoddy personal work - it was hard to let others into her personal work, the stuff that hadn't been carefully polished to be palatable to everyone else - but she knew Zell would never think the less of her. Think the more of her, perhaps, though...

Zell too was feeling his confidence surge. Even in his naïve helplessness, he could identify what was going on. And the fact that Selphie genuinely liked him finally allowed him to overcome his fear of offending her. He was having such a great time talking to her; it was just so fun to make her giggle and smile. He really couldn't believe how beautifully they were getting along. Sure, he'd had this long-running obsession, but that wasn't real interest, just a fawning obsession. Once he actually got to talk to her, he was even more enamored with her. "Sure, I'd love to hear them," he said. "And I don't care if you think they suck; if you made them, I want to hear them anyway."

Selphie giggled. Aww, he was such a dear. "Oh, Zell, you're the greatest. I wish Irvine was as nice as you."

Zell hesitated. Things were getting serious all of a sudden -- this was more than just casual conversation; she was really coming onto him. He knew he could ask her now and... and she would probably accept, but as long as there was even the chance that she would not, he couldn't bring himself to it. Fear gripped him again and he backed off, awkwardly changing the topic: "So what kind of stuff do you play on your guitar?"

Selphie almost, almost fell for it. Truth to be told, she was scared as hell too -- scared of the fact that she was falling for him so quickly, and still irrationally scared that he might reject her. But just before she about to reply, she caught herself. With enormous force of will, she forced her entire mind to focus on one sentence. "You sure have a crush on me, don't you?" she blurted.

He couldn't back out now. He didn't want to. And he knew that Selphie didn't want him to, either, or she wouldn't have asked. "Yes."

Selphie grinned. "Hee hee! But... I don't get it... how come you never said anything? Or did this just start?"

"Oh, gosh, no." Zell was finally starting to feel a little embarrassed. Even in the face of such a question, however, he was still a lot more happy than humbled -- happy because he was finally being given a chance to proclaim the feelings he'd hidden for years. And right now, he seemed to be doing no wrong in Selphie's eyes, so there was no need to be in the least bit insecure. "It's been for, like, forever, really ... since you came here, honestly. I mean, it comes and it goes, but ... Squall said he was surprised we didn't get together."

Selphie laughed. "He told me that too. But, gosh, I can't believe you'd never just give up on something like that." She had to admit she was flattered, though. And if Zell would still be interested in her after all that...

"Well, it's pretty hard to give up intentionally."

She nodded. "To tell you the truth, Zell, I've been rather taken with you a few times in the past. When I first met you in Dollet ... and a few times when Irvine hasn't been so good to me ..."

Zell was no longer surprised -- at this point, a billion gil could have fallen out of the sky and landed at his feet and he wouldn't have batted an eye. But he also knew this bliss was not purely random good luck; it was a genuine happiness and interest between them. Yes, it seemed that his years of longing had been worth it, had after all. If only he had known earlier...

"Well, that's interesting," he said lamely. "Amazing how we could both secretly have crushes on each other for years."

She smiled. "Yes, isn't it?" They were both dancing around what they knew to be the inevitable conclusion, parrying and prodding and trying to goad the other into reaching it. But each still had one foot trapped in the confines of their insecurity and held back from making the final flying leap into their new lives. "Zell, really, you mean a lot more to me than you think..."

"I could say the same to you."

Closer, closer. Around and around. Zell was starting to quiver from the tension.

"Can I ask you a question?" Selphie asked, nearly sending to Zell the hospital with a coronary. "What do you think about Irvine?"

Oh, fuck, how am I supposed to answer this? Was he supposed to be nice and praise him? Selphie might think he wasn't really interested. And if she was pissed at Irvine, she might be disappointed he wasn't pissed to. But if he slammed Irvine, Selphie might think he was too pushy. "I can't read your mind, Selphie."

"It's a serious question," Selphie insisted. "I just want to know." She cringed immediately afterwards, wondering if she'd offended him, made him think she too demanding was when she was actually desperate for his affection. She looked at him pleadingly. "Please, Zell, I'm not testing you know. I just need to know where everyone stands ... because there's, you know, a lot going on."

Zell shrugged. "He's a nice guy. I don't really know what's going on between the two of you, though. I mean, I read your diary... but without really hearing everything that happened and his side, I don't want to take a side. I sympathize with you a lot; it's obviously sucky that either of you is unhappy ... but, like, I'm not there; I haven't been going through this; I can't comment on the situation."

"Okay, I understand." Selphie sighed. "But ... it's just so frustrating to not be able to talk to someone about this. I don't know what to do..."

"I do want to help. But... I'm obviously a pretty biased source." He had his own private thoughts on the matter, of course -- if Irvine was nothing more than an obligation, why was Selphie still with him -- but he kept his mouth shut. He couldn't stand against Irvine; if Selphie was going to do anything... well, he shouldn't mince words with himself, if Selphie was going to break up with Irvine, he wanted it to be out of her choice alone.

Selphie looked away for a moment, pondering how much and what she wanted to say. "I'm getting pretty pissed at him," she said eventually. "He doesn't do anything bad, but he never really does anything for me. You know, I asked him what he thought I should do about you reading my diary, and I couldn't even get a serious answer out of him. I think he's a nice guy too, but ... he doesn't really care. He only does what I ask him to ... never goes out of his way to make me feel happy ... never says he loves me ... I'm so sick of being taken for granted. Maybe I'm just insecure and selfish, but I really want to feel more appreciated ... to feel like I matter to someone." She sighed. "Sorry, I'll shut up. They're my problems, not yours."

"I don't take you for granted, Selphie," he said. He immediately hoped it wasn't too obvious. Then again, if he never was too obvious, would he ever get anywhere?

"I know you don't, sweetie." Selphie grinned. She stood up and stretched. "I don't want to be too temperamental, Zell. I don't want to give up on something important too quickly, you know? But ... every time I think about my relationship these days I just get so frustrated..."

Dammit. What was he supposed to do? He wanted to fix things for her, or at least cheer her up. But she'd already tried everything... saying "Hang in there" wasn't going to make a difference. "It's getting pretty bad, huh?"

"Yeah," she admitted timidly. She hated to think about it that way, but she had to be honest here. Especially after talking to Zell... "I don't think our relationship has really gotten any worse," she said, "but I'm getting more tired of waiting for it to get better."

"Well, I wish you two the best of luck... oh, Hyne, that's stupid. Look, I hope things work out for what's best for you, even if you break up. And if you want to tal-"

She winked at him. "I bet you'd like that if I did that, huh?"

What can I say? What can I say? What can I say? "What difference does it make?"

"I'm just asking! Let's put it this way, Zell. If I hadn't been with Irvine, like, for whatever reason, would you have wanted to go out with me?"

Zell couldn't help but grin as the pieces of his life's greatest achievement began to come together. "Yes," he said, knowing full well what question he was really answering.

Selphie laughed happily. She flung her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks so much for talking to me. Booyaka," she whispered. She ran out of the room, leaving him completely in awe of what had just happened - and wanting to Selphie to come back so he could to talk to her more.

Heart pounding, hands shaking, Zell rose to his feet and quickly left the room. This was not hard; this was a trained routine that his body could execute - he even managed to greet several people along the way - while his mind was elsewhere. But as soon as he alone again in his room, he dropped into a chair and just stared at the wall for a while with that deer-in-the-headlights look - except that this was after the deer had already been blindsided by a Mack truck.

How the hell had this all happened? He didn't start it intentionally - though he couldn't complain about the results - and he didn't think Selphie did either. It was just that the more they talked to each other, the more they realized they were always on the same wavelength. They hadn't that they started liking each other just then; they already did like and just hadn't known it. He wondered if Selphie was thinking the same thing, was going to go back and sit alone in her room, giddy with confusion and surprise and promise, struggling with whatever had just happened between them.

It all seemed so surreal that he couldn't help but feel that he might be completely misconstruing everything. He told himself that he was probably getting ahead of himself again, caught up in his naïve idealism again, that Selphie was really just leading him on and was snickering behind his back at him. But those escapist, self-defeating fantasies no longer rang true. There had to be more going on than that. He wasn't even sure what, but it seemed obvious that he and Selphie had been put on a collision course with something that neither of them could hope to control or understand, and that finding out what it was would be just another one of the stops down the road.

And what was the worst that could happen? So he and Selphie might not get together, or might not last very long, and he'd be exiled back into lonely old Singleland. But that would only put him right back where he started. He was used to living there, so damned if there wasn't any harm in trying to escape when he had the chance. And, yes, perhaps theoretically this could threaten their existing friendship. But Selphie was too nice; he knew she'd never hold a grudge against him, no matter what havoc he might accidentally wreck on her formerly secure little world.

If it wasn't for Irvine, it would be a done deal. And Yuffie…whoops. Zell knew he really had to talk to her, and grimaced, totally unsure of how to even bring the topic up with her. "Hey Yuffie, you've been a cool girlfriend, but you know, I need to break up with you. Why? Oh…umm…well, I've really always liked your best friend instead." He slapped his palm against his head with a sigh. But the idea of he and Yuffie breaking up was at least more feasible than Irvine and Selphie.

He really had no doubt now that things between he and Selphie could work - but so could Selphie and Irvine, and that was the one that happened to already be working. And despite the grumbles that Selphie let out in her diary from time to time, he didn't see Selphie ever wanting to give that up. After all, if they were still together, she couldn't really have any problems with him.

Zell bore no malice against Irvine either, which, unfortunately, only made it harder. If he thought Irvine had actually done something wrong, that he somehow wasn't good enough for Selphie, then he would feel justified in be able to push his feelings aside. But he didn't -- as far as he was concerned, Irvine was doing his job and everything would be just peachy except that he had gone and entered the picture by mistake. Who was he to say that he and Selphie should be together instead of Selphie and someone else?

He decided that when it came right to down it, he couldn't bring himself to pursue this. Nothing wasn't broken, and he was a fool for wanting to fix it. Better for him to be willingly unhappy than impose misery on someone else. And yet, if there was one thing he had learned today, it was that what he thought was the sensible, safe plan to follow was rarely the one fate had in mind.

Which he why he needed a rest. This was all very exciting, but he needed a chance to back out and catch his breath. There was only so much plowing into the unknown he could handle before he started to question what the hell he was doing. A part of him would always want to stick with the safe and known, would always tell him he wasn't ready to move forward. He didn't intend to back out on Selphie, but he needed a nice nap before he thought about this any more.

He just hoped life would still be this exciting when he woke up.

Meanwhile, Irvine was responding to Selphie's urgent phone summons. "What's up, Sefie?" he asked, concerned, as he entered her room.

Selphie looked at him and sighed, feeling so terribly, terribly cruel for what she was about to do. And yet she had no real regrets, because she hadn't given herself any alternatives. She would not let herself put this off. The words were in her head now; she had to get them out while she still felt equipped to deal with him. "Irvine... we have a lot to talk about." She sat down, though Irvine remained standing, too ill at ease to feel comfortable relaxing.

She looked up at him. "Things haven't been going so well for us lately, have they?"

"I guess not."

He guessed not? Was he really that clueless that he didn't realize what had been happening? Or did he just still believe in them despite that? "Well, I..." Selphie looked away, fighting to retain her composure lest she bring him down with herself. "Irvine, don't think I don't care about you..."

"But."

"Yes, but." She looked pleadingly up at him, seeking understanding, praying that Irvine could infer what she couldn't bring herself to say. There was just too much to say, and nowhere to start. "Irvine, I'm so sorry, I, I..." She fell helplessly into broken apologies, looking down with her chin in her hands and refusing to make eye contact.

Irvine seemed to relax - at least the awful uncertainty was over. He looked slightly off to the side for a moment of quiet acceptance and contemplation. "So it's over."

"Yes," Selphie said slowly, painfully. She couldn't give any more explanation than that, because there really wasn't any. She had no reasons for any of this, except that she knew she had to. "And..."

"...you found someone else."

Selphie nodded.

"...anyone I know?"

Selphie suddenly felt like she couldn't have been more speechless if those guys from The Matrix had showed up and erased her mouth. She looked desperately at Irvine, who was in turn was starting to appear more and more distressed. How could she tell him that it was Zell, of all people? If it was someone he didn't know, it would be one thing, but... she knew that one syllable would instantly fling them into a completely different world, turn everything that Irvine knew upside down ... and she also knew that the more she hesitated, the more wild assumptions that Irvine would draw. But she still couldn't make herself deliver the killing blow.

"Selphie, are you... um... a lesbian?"

Selphie almost laughed. "No," she corrected him, aware it was her fault for leading him astray. "No no no. It's..." She closed her eyes, took a very deep breath, and then squeaked, "...Zell."

There was no outburst. She opened her eyes. Irvine had raised an eyebrow, but that was it.

"Really," Selphie asserted, aware that this prospect probably seemed completely ridiculous to him. She was about to start rambling about how excited she was about Zell, to prove her point, but realized that would be rather insulting to Irvine.

Selphie looked at him questioningly, waiting to see how he'd take it. He shrugged. "Hey, it's your life," he said in a not altogether un-encouraging voice.

"You're not mad."

"Not really, no. What's there to be mad about? You're doing what you think is right."

"Well, you should be!" Selphie suddenly shrieked as her eyes started to water. She wasn't even sure it brought on it -- except that she couldn't handle the overwhelming guilt anymore. Irvine was too nice, dammit, he didn't deserve this!

"What?"

Selphie had fought hard to keep herself under control, but it was a losing battle. She collapsed in defeated tears, sobbing as she curled up in her chair and covered her face.

Irvine at last moved from his position in the doorway and knelt beside her. He put a comforting arm around her shoulders. "Having second thoughts?" he said gently. "It's not too late to change your mind...

Selphie gratefully clung to him and pressed her face into his shoulder as she continued to cry. "No..." she said hoarsely through her tears. "Irvine, it's been wonderful, it really has, but... I know it's over. I can't pretend I'm not feeling what I am. I need to be with Zell."

Irvine hugged her and patted her on the back. "Then you did the right thing, Sefie," he assured her, then let go.

He rose, clearly suggesting that it was time for him to leave. Selphie sniffled, having halted her tears. She sat up straight and nodded in sad agreement to him. This was no longer his place. "Thanks for everything, Irvine."

"Thank you." Irvine smiled sadly and adjusted his hat, still with his same cool, confident, unflappable demeanor in spite of everything. He waved and walked purposefully to the door, turning around when he had reached it for one last look. "Goodbye, Sefie."

"Goodbye."

As it often did, sleep reset Zell's emotions. He woke up from his nap feeling neither hopelessly enamored nor scared as hell - not that there was much of a difference between those two. But his thoughts soon strayed back to what had happened - no, what was happening.

Dammit, what had he been doing sitting here? His insecurities were getting the better of him again. Play with fire and you'll get burned, he had told himself. Better to run like hell now than to risk fucking up his life later when things didn't turn out the way he'd hoped. But he knew that the more he tried to "catch his breath," the more his anticipation and hope would stop being such and would become just another a fantasy. If he didn't want to end up back right where he started, he had to differentiate this from the solitary longing he was accustomed to. And that meant interacting with her, convincing her not to ride out these unsettling new possibilities they'd been granted.

Selphie would be waiting to hear from him. Yes, he was terrified of talking to her again, but he was also desperate for the joy that their previous conversation had brought him. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so elated -- he doubted he had -- and after it, there was no way he would pass up even the chance of experiencing it again. Fuck, Selphie was worse than heroin. He had to meet with her again before she started to think he wasn't interested, or didn't feel as strongly as he did. At the very least, he could definitively settle this nonsense so he could stop being hopelessly deluded.

He wasn't really worried about rejection. I mean, sure she might turn him down, but he was effectively being rejected every day already, so he might as well make at an effort -- at the very least, he'd get to talk to her again. So why was we so worried? It must be because he was afraid of hurting her ... he was essentially forcing her to choose between him and Irvine, and he was reluctant to lay such a burden on anyone. He could easily imagine her tortured diary entries as she found herself torn in two directions.

But at this point, none of that seemed to matter. Why not just be honest and do what he could? Someone's heart was going to get broken either way, and so he might as well make sure Selphie had all the information before she made her decision. Somehow, he was through being awkward and confused, and he wasn't even sure why.

What really scared him wasn't what being Selphie's boyfriend would entail, but the fact that it didn't faze him in the slightest. But before he could even begin to commit to that idea, he knew there was someone else he owed an explanation to.

Zell scrambled to get ready and took off out the door. He knew where his girlfriend usually hung out after dinner, for on rare occasions they'd actually sit down to play a round of cards together. It was as such that he wasn't surprised to find Yuffie in the cafeteria, sitting in the corner pouring over charts detailing the worth of her various Triple Triad cards.

"Yo, Zell," she greeted him cheerfully as he dropped into the seat across from her.

"Hey, Yuffie," he replied, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice.

"Want to play a round?" she offered, still having not looked up from her paper full of scribbled numbers.

"Umm ... no thanks ... I left my cards in my room..."

Yuffie looked up in surprise, knowing that Zell rarely went anywhere without his cards in his pocket. "Umm, like…is something wrong?"

"No ... yes ... maybe."

Yuffie laughed and put some papers into a folder, making some final tallies on the sheet in front of her. "Gawd, why don't you make up your mind?"

"I wanted to know if ... ifwecouldtalkaboutus," he stammered in a hurry.

Yuffie raised an eyebrow and stopped her shuffling for a moment. "Umm…like, no offense, Zell, but..." she paused and watched his expression carefully. "Shouldn't you be more worried about Selphie right now? Nothing's wrong with me."

"Uh ... why?"

"Well, she just broke up with Irvine. She's like, really upset and crying and all. I didn't know what to say to her, so I left her alone."

Zell frowned to himself. "Yuffie…I don't really know how to say this... but Selphie and I... I mean, you and me... and... I..."

"Geez, don't go getting all worked up. I'm not stupid you know."

"What?"

"You like Selphie."

"No I don't! I mean…yes, I do ... wait, how did you know?"

Yuffie shook her head as she sorted her cards into order and began to put them back into her specialized holder. "Uh ... let's see ... the way you always pick fights with her about stupid stuff…the way you watch her every time she's in the room ... and umm ... well, going out with me."

"It's not that I don't like you, Yuffie…"

She grinned as she zipped her card folder closed. "Yeah, yeah ... but we both know we make better friends. I never understood why you said you liked me because..." she trailed off and shrugged, getting to her feet.

"Because why?" he said, looking up at her.

"Because, like, one time when you snuck into our room to read her diary, I was, you know... in the bathroom and umm…saw you." She shrugged and grinned.

Zell looked at her incredulously. "Then why did you…"

Yuffie shrugged. "I never wanted a boyfriend. But I hated to hurt Selphie's feeling, so..."

Zell laughed loudly and jumped up to throw his arms around Yuffie. "You're a really great friend," he gushed.

"Zell, you're starting to sound like her now, too."

He grinned and let her go, taking a step back. "I…I'm really glad you understand. I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Nah…" she shrugged, starting out of the cafeteria. "Hey, does this mean you'll come play cards with me more now?"

"Sure thing," he nodded, breathing a sigh of relief. They stood there for a moment before she shook her head at him.

"Dude, what are you waiting for?"

"Nothing!" he grinned, racing past her and out the doors. Even as he hurried up to Selphie's room, he started to feel that wonderfully nervous giddiness again. He didn't know what he was going to do, but he didn't care, because for once it seemed he could do no wrong. He just hoped he managed to live up to his invincible feeling when he actually talked to her, because he had a nagging doubt this was the sort of feeling that couldn't last.

He knocked on Selphie's door and was surprised to find that he wasn't at all jittery, the way he would have expected himself to be. Indeed, he felt a strange high of confidence that gave him the self-assurance to stay patient. But after a minute with no reply, he decided to try again. "Selphie?" he called, knocking a second time.

He heard a creaking bed and footsteps from within. Selphie opened the door and faced him with the weary look of one who was ready to admit they had lost but would still rather not have to talk about it. And the rest of her disheveled appearance was hardly ready to face the world either. She was in her knee-length nightgown, having just gotten out of bed. Her hair was unkempt and uncurled, her face flushed from crying, and her vacant, wounded eyes had been drained of her cheerful spark.

She looked apologetically at Zell, knowing that this was not what he had come here to see. "I'm sorry," she gasped, her own frustration with herself coalescing into a sudden rush of emotion. She burst out into tears and doubled over in anguish, her hands covering her face, and Zell delivered a harsh mental invective against himself for even thinking to look at her cleavage. "Irvine and I just broke up and I... I..."

Shit. It hadn't really sunk in when Yuffie had told him, but seeing Selphie here crying her head off threw a huge brick of guilt in his face. He was too late, or something, since he wasn't really sure what he was doing here in the first place beyond just wanting to see her again. And he knew that he could never reject her, not when she was alone now, and not when he knew that wasn't what he wanted. But, dammit, this wasn't supposed to happen; he wasn't supposed to do this to her. Sure, he was crazy about her, sure, he wanted her -- but he hadn't planned to do it by hurting other people!

"Selphie, I'm sorry; I really don't know what to say. I..." He stopped, looking down. He really didn't know what to say. How could he begin to go about describing, explaining, rationalizing, vindicating her and him and everything? What words could possibly save a situation like this? He realized Selphie was staring at him, waiting for him to finish. Once he might have just turned and walked away, told Selphie he couldn't help her and she had to sort this out on her own, but all the success - or just dumb luck - he'd had now had empowered him to rise to the occasion. Selphie needed him to say something, and for once he felt that whatever he said would be good enough.

He took a deep breath, causing hope to flick in Selphie's eyes. "Selphie, I couldn't begin to understand how unsettling and distressing this must be for you. I've never been through anything like this; I'm not going to try to pretend to have the answers. But... don't think for a moment I don't care, and if there's any way I can do anything to help you, just say the word and I'll be there. Because I don't want to see anyone suffer, not really, especially not someone like you. And I know that I can't solve even half the problems I'd like to, but I can at least try, so just let me try to help and I'll promise I'll do the best I can." Having exhausted his supply of words, he relaxed and anxiously awaited Selphie's reaction.

Despair rose off her face like dirt being washed away in the shower. "Thank you, Zell, that was just what I needed." She grinned and hugged him.

"I didn't even do anything," Zell protested, embarrassed. Denial and self-effacement was still a nervous reaction for him. While he wasn't yet always successful in overcoming it, he at least knew that he was nowhere near the truth, and that he certainly did do something. "Okay... that's not true..."

"Of course it's not true," Selphie giggled. "Oh, Zell, you have no idea how cool you are. Don't be so hard on yourself ... you're one of the nicest guys I know. And you're smart and funny and, um..." she stopped for a moment, then start giggling even harder. "...and the tattoo is really hot."

Zell was speechless. It wasn't disbelief, because he did understand why this happening, he was just so appreciative of that that he didn't how to return the blessing. He'd been thrown into a pit of snakes, and somehow, miraculously, the snakes liked him. He had always scoffed at the notion that he should just "be himself" for a successful love life. But, now, he really was enchanting Selphie truly by being himself. And it felt great.

"Oh, come on, come in." Selphie grabbed Zell's arm and dragged him into the room. She sat down the side of her bed and looked at him up expectantly.

Zell was about to take a chair on the other side of the room when he decided he was probably expected to sit a little closer now -- which was fine, because that's what he wanted to do. He carefully set himself down on the bed beside Selphie. He looked shyly over at her, still feeling like he was the end of his rope but content to relish the pleasure of being able to do something he'd dreamed of for so long.

Selphie smiled thinly and put an arm around his waist. She leaned against him, side-to-side, and sighed a frustrated sigh. She should be enjoying his company, but there was far too much going on. "Thanks for being patient," she said. "I don't know what's wrong with me... but even just you reading my diary and ... and talking to me makes me feel a lot better. That this isn't all my problems and my fault."

"Thanks for being patient with me," Zell retorted, as apologetic as always. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you? I wish I had some magic answers, or nice surprises, but... I don't..."

"Um, do you mind listening to me ramble?"

"Of course not; I like hearing you talk."

Selphie grinned in tepid acknowledgment of his response. "I've just felt really... non-happy lately. You know, not really unhappy, just not all that happy. Like there's a much better life I could be having, if only I knew what it was. And it's so awful to always be afraid that I'm not doing fine when I think I am. And Irvine..." She looked up at Zell. He looked on with empathy, pleading for more information so he could maybe help her. "Irvine..." She looked down this time, hoping that she could somehow find some coherent way to express her thoughts even as she got closer and closer to another breakdown. "Oh, fuck it. I'll be right back." On the verge of tears, she jumped to her feet and raced out of the room.

Shaken, Zell remained seated and stared at the wall. Had he done something wrong, or not done something when he was supposed to? Was Selphie really that distraught? What could he do for her? He was already flailing about in completely unknown territory, and the introduction of a crisis like this left him feeling terribly alone and helpless.

Quistis was grading exams when Selphie marched into her room, threw herself down on the bed, and started to cry bitter tears into her pillow.

Oh dear. Frustrated that Selphie was upset again but more than willing to help, Quistis got up, pushed in her chair, and went to crouch beside the bed. She put a gentle hand on Selphie's shoulder and bent forward so that at least Selphie could see the concern on her face. Selphie probably didn't want to - and couldn't - talk about this just yet, but she could at least let Selphie know she cared.

"Quistis, I... I just..." Selphie looked up. "Oh, I'm sorry; you're grading, aren't you?"

"No, it's fine," Quistis reassured her. "This is more important."

"Quistis, I just don't know what to do," Selphie said. She'd stopped sobbing, through tears still trickled down her cheeks. "I'm tired of having to make guesses ... and try to justify to myself that I'm doing the right thing ... I want to be sure that this is the way I'm supposed to be living, instead of just fumbling around."

Quistis put her arm around Selphie's back and knelt so that her face was beside Selphie's. "Selphie, I understand."

Selphie flopped over onto her back. "Sometimes I feel like I could do nothing else for the rest of my life," she continued. "I could stay the way I am and practice my guitar and make new web pages and maybe learn to draw ... instead of always feeling like I need something more. But I can tell that's not meant to happen."

Quistis furrowed her brow. "Selphie," she began, choosing her words carefully. She needed to argue against Selphie's self-criticism, but she couldn't shower her with false sympathy. "You have your ups and downs, but you're still one of the most enthusiastic, energetic people I know. And I think you're really the last person who would ever want to waste away for the rest of her life never doing anything new. That's not you at all. I know you better than that."

Selphie grinned in spite of everything. Quistis was right; she was always right. "Thanks, Quisty," she said. "That's right. I still feel differently right now, but... yeah, it's probably a passing thing. What do you think I ought to do about Zell?"

"What about him?"

"Oh," Selphie realized the last Quistis had heard of this was the fact that . "Well, I really feel like I'm interested in him, but... and what happened with Irvine, I..." She started to cry again. "I don't know what to do..."

Quistis knelt down by her side. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and she was able to spill her guts if it could help Selphie. "Selphie," she said. "You know I thought I loved Squall for the longest time, right?"

Selphie nodded. She'd heard Quistis make reference to it, even if she never really got the full story.

"It wasn't easy, either," Quistis said. "To force myself to admit that I didn't really love him ... or that he'd changed ... or that I'd changed. I still think about him a lot. But, Selphie, you can't let that hang over you forever ... if I didn't, I never would have met up with Xu."

"Yeah, but..." Selphie began. What Quistis said didn't exactly ring true, but she wasn't sure how to refute it. Was it just because Quistis was with a girl now? Was... she didn't know what it was, really. "I just don't want any ... Zell's so naïve... I..." She took a deep breath to calm herself. "I'm worried about hurting him and hurting myself, both of us."

Quistis smiled at her. "You won't know if you don't give it a chance, right?"

Selphie's continued disappearance only amplified Zell's fears. He was beginning to feel very alone and very, very helpless. And there was nothing he could do - he had to say here because she might come back looking for him.

He didn't really think he'd done anything wrong; he should have known this stupid idea was never going to work out in the first place. At least things blew up now before they got really involved.

Still, he was still concerned more about Selphie herself than their relationship. Yes, she usually bounced back quickly from her occasional wig-outs, so he wasn't that worried about her in the long run, but he hated to see her this upset. And he especially didn't want to be the one doing this to her, the one keeping her true self buried under any sort of unwanted obligations to something she'd didn't fully believe in.

Selphie finally returned, wiping her eyes with a tissue. She looked she was on the verge of curling up in the corner and admitting defeat. "I'm sorry," she gasped, the last apologetic moan of one who had nothing left to give but her dignity and was now losing that. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing any more."

"I'm sorry," Zell insisted. "This all happened 'cause of me..."

"Zell, you didn't make me do anything." She might be terribly confused about her own feelings, but Selphie still had a keen sense for the routes other people's brains were taking. "This was my decision; it's my life, and I did it because of my own feelings and not what because of anyone else 'made' me do. Please don't blame yourself." She quickly went to the bed and sat down where she had been. She immediately stared down at the floor and tried not to focus on any one thing lest it trigger some of ubalancing reaction in her. "I just that I... I don't know why I do these things."

He couldn't let her stay like this. Knowing she would not object, Zell hugged her from behind, slipping both arms around her belly and squeezing her close to him. Selphie sniffled. She looked on the verge of crying again, but she did not. She wriggled to one side and turned halfway around, lying her head on Zell's shoulder. "Thank you, Zell," she murmured. "I know this isn't like me ... I'm sorry."

"You're still my friend," Zell ventured lamely. He hated to be trite, but what else was there to say? This wasn't a movie; he couldn't pull some profound, wonderfully heartfelt speech out of nowhere.

"Thank you." She titled her head off to one side, apparently lost in thought, then closed her eyes to further her concentration. After a few minutes of this, she lifted her head and hands off his shoulder and looked into his face. "Could you, um... stay with me? I mean, like, tonight?"

"Okay," Zell said, purposefully giving himself no chance to consider the implications.

"Oh, thank you so much," Selphie gushed, immensely relieved he had accepted. "I'm so tired of having to deal with this all by myself. I just need to have some help sometimes..."

Zell nodded. He let go of Selphie, who then crawled past him to the other side of the bed. She slipped beneath the covers and sat upright, watching Zell.

Zell rose. He was going to start undressing for bed, like he normally would, but then he realized that this might not be what he was "supposed" to do. He wasn't self-conscious - he was self-conscious about not being self-conscious. Would Selphie be put off by the fact that he didn't regard this as a big deal. But Selphie did want him to sleep in the bed with her, right? Yes, yes, she must. He took off his jacket, glancing back and forth over his shoulder to see if Selphie would react unfavorably. She didn't - she was staring at him, but she didn't seem to think twice about the removal of his clothing.

Zell pulled off his shirt. Still no word from Selphie. He figured if he was doing something wrong, she would have said something by this point, so he lifted up his shoes to untie and remove them. He stood up, took off his shorts, and quickly slid into the bed in his boxers, adopting the same sitting position that Selphie was in. Fortunately for his already-frayed nerves, the bed was wide enough that he could squeeze in without having to actual be touching her.

Holy shit, he was thinking. Here I am, like, actually in bed with a chick. This is, like, serious stuff. I can't believe this is actually me in real life for once. He looked over at Selphie. Selphie was still smiling at him, obviously delighted by his presence, but she still hadn't visibly reacted to his change of attire.

Then she said, "I think you're cute."

"Oh... um, thanks," Zell said. "But you're a lot cuter." Was that what was he "supposed" to do? Deny it? Thank her? Dammit, he had no idea what was acceptable in situations like this.

Selphie giggled. "I'm not scaring you too much, am I?"

"Scaring me? Hardly." He rubbed the back of his neck as an idle gesture to distract from his embarrassment. "I think I might be scaring myself, though."

"Good," Selphie said. "Uh, I mean, that I'm not scaring you, not that you're scaring yourself." She squirmed forward and lay down, resting her head gently on the pillow. She tilted her head slightly and looked up at him, feeling more comfortable and hopeful than she'd felt in a long time. Her eyes glowed with a quite, tender admiration, and it seemed like the old Selphie was finally starting to return.

Zell was still amazed at the effect he was having on her. He'd never been part of anything like this before, and it was a truly profound, humbling experience to think that just by existing, just by being himself, he was giving some sort meaning to someone else's life. And yet he was also terrified by the responsibility that this dumped on him. "I dunno... I guess I'm kinda worried that something bad will happen. I mean, things used to be great between you and Irvine... you thought you were perfect together. And look how that turned out. I just... what if we end up the same way?"

"Um, that's an awful depressing way of looking at things."

Zell now also lay down. "Yeah, I know," he said as he rested his head on the pillow and turned to one side to face Selphie. He curled up beneath the sheets, seeking solace in their warmth. Hyne, we're, like... together here. He but he also more than a little frightened

"It's not that I'm not wildly excited, you know, because I am, it's just that... I'm scared, I guess. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Zell, you are the nicest guy on the entire planet, and I know that you would never hurt anyone intentionally," Selphie declared with more than a hint of mock-seriousness. "And now that I've said that, may I request that you stop trying to convince me that the glass is three-quarters empty and appreciate this wonderful thing we've been granted instead of souring it with all your gloom-and-doom predictions?"

Zell chuckled. "Of course." He stared at her in silence for a few moments as she did the same. "Selphie... you're so wonderful. I know you're not really like this, that you're really the sweet, caring, funny, friendly, guitar-playing, web-designing, head of the Garden Festival Committee. And... and... um, and I just think you're really cool, I guess. And I like being around you. And I care a lot about you."

"Thank you," Selphie said softly. She squirmed closer to him. "Mmm, give me a hug."

Crap, Zell thought. This was where his inexperience was going to become painfully obvious. He wanted to do everything for her, like Irvine did at least once upon a time, which he was he so reluctant to disappoint her. She was doing so much for him; he needed to be she wanted too!

Zell slipped his arms around his waist, first tentatively, then a little tighter once he was in position. This wasn't that hard to do ... and he liked being close to Selphie. He scooted closer to her, enjoying this newfound sense of security and unity but also still hoping he hadn't messed up. Selphie closed her eyes, but said nothing.

"Um... is this okay?"

Selphie smiled, clearly inwardly amused by this. "Zell," she said with bemused endearment, "would I be lying here grinning if it wasn't? You're doing just fine, love; I'd tell you if I wanted something."

"Okay..." Zell said. He was really relying entirely on Selphie's answers, because he truly had no clue if he was passing or flaming out in a ball of incompetence. And while Selphie might be just saying that to make him feel good, they'd been so honest with each other up to this point that he thought she'd have no hesitation about speaking to him.

So... yes, maybe he really was okay after all. Slightly emboldened, he pulled her closer. "You're awesome... um, do you prefer Selphie or... Sefie?"

Selphie thought for a brief second. "Selphie," she decided. "Sefie has too much associated with it."

Zell smiled. "Okay, Selphie." He pulled her closer and they were soon fast asleep.

The head-spinning giddiness gripped Zell again as soon as he woke the next morning. It was all he could do from jumping out of Selphie's bed and run around bouncing off the walls. Life had infused itself into him, and everything seemed full of happiness and joy.

He looked at Selphie, still asleep in his arms, her chest rising and falling softly. Hyne, he still didn't know what he did to end up with her, but he was so happy that, well, he was this happy - and more importantly, that he was making Selphie this happy too. Overwhelmingly compelled, he reached his right hand up to touch her forehead, still more than a little shocked that he was suddenly this intimate with a girl -- and not any girl, but Selphie. He ran his hand gently through her hair.

Selphie giggled. "I'm awake," she murmured. She squirmed tighter up against him and looked back over her shoulder at him. "I was just waiting for you."

"Oh." He felt like he was making such a complete dork of himself, and yet Selphie truly didn't seem to care.

"You don't have to stop," Selphie said teasingly. Zell obliged and gently ran his hand through her hair. Selphie smiled and leaned her head back against his shoulder as he continued. "Zell, I know this has happened all so suddenly... I mean, hell, when I got up yesterday, I certainly didn't expect to be here with you like this 24 hours later. But I don't know... I'm just not worried. Maybe because I've known you so long, and it's only taken us this long to realize we belonged together."

"Yeah..." Zell agreed vaguely. No! Must think of more to say than that! he scolded himself. "I don't know what else to say ... I'm just too new to... everything. You know, I always thought it was silly all the lengths people would go to for what they said was 'love' ... that they would give up so much of their lives in the name of something you never really knew how long you'd have. I mean... even last week I would have just teased someone if they got together the way you and I did. And I don't know if I'm in love, but if I am ... well, I think I can understand them now. Or at least, I'm starting to understand ... even if I don't know what I'm saying."

"You're trying to figure things out," Selphie grinned. "That's what's important. That's the difference between you and Irvine." She instantly regretted saying that and sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about my ex-boyfriends yet."

Zell shrugged. "'sokay," he murmured, honestly not offended by this at all.

"Well... I'd just rather talk about us, is all." Selphie smiled. "And not any of our less fortunate exes."

"All I seem to be able to think about now is us..." It seemed a silly thought after the way he used to feel about the idea of "love," but he said it almost gleefully now, because it had taken on the completely different connotation of indicating that it had all changed -- a fact that he couldn't help but repeat over and over, because it had suddenly made him the happiest guy on Hyne's green earth.

Selphie nudged him playfully. "Well, there's a first time for everything, huh?" He nodded, their eyes locked on each other, and then she leaned closer to him, pressing her lips ever so softly against his. His hands tightened around her back, drawing her closer as the kiss quickly slid from playful to passionate.

"Selphie..." he whispered in her ear as they finally broke.

She giggled, and feeling that was a good note to end on, forced herself to slide out bed. "Come on, we'd better get up. I need a shower. We do, rather." She winked, poking fun at her own faux coyness.

Back in Selphie's bedroom after an interesting shower, they went about their morning routines. The chores themselves were mundane, especially for Zell. While it was a step down from their previous activities, he greatly enjoyed just watching Selphie go about her business: dressing, soaking her hail in gel to make it curl like that, even brushing her teeth.

"Zell?" Selphie asked as she finished her hair. "How would you feel about going to talk with Irvine with me? I really don't want there to be any bad blood if we can at all help him. And I'm worried about him..."

Zell shrugged. "Sure." He wasn't sure what he'd say to Irvine, but passing up the chance to try to work things out when he was specifically given the chance to do so would be foolish in the extreme.

"Okay," Selphie said. She grabbed the receiver of her phone, then stopped and stared vacantly at it as paranoia started to overtake her. No, she had to do this. She was going to have to talk Irvine again, and it might as well be now. She punched in a call to him, still #1 on her auto-dial. Ugh.

"Hi, Irvine, it's me." Selphie idly curled the phone cord around his finger as she spoke. "Hey, could we, um, get together and talk? Like, with Zell? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine ... but there are still a lot of things I want to talk about, you know? And just ... yeah, yeah. He just wants to talk to you ... and I think it would be good if you talked to him. Sure, sure, that's fine. All right, see you there ... thanks ... no, thank you. Buh-bye!"

Selphie hung up and turn to face Zell. "'kay, he'll meet us in the back of the training center. You all ready?"

"Yeah," Zell said. He wasn't sure to what to expect from this... a fight? A tearful angstfest? A chilly face-off?

"Okay," Selphie said. She looked at him again and added, "By the way, thanks again for the fun time."

Zell grinned.

Selphie's perky demeanor cooled a little as she and Zell set off for the training center. She knew there would be no easy way of resolving this situation. They would all get over the scars eventually, learn to live with it, but she wanted to expel the choking cloud of anguish now. So life could continue.

Irvine had agreed to meet them at the secret balcony at the back of the training center. Zell hung back as they stepped through the doorway. He still didn't have anything against Irvine, and from what Selphie had said it sounded like Irvine didn't hate him either, but he still had no idea how to approach him. He was still waffling between complete self-denying acceptance of Selphie's love life and a rabid, vengeful insistence that he could do everything Irvine could and then some. But, really, they just meant the same thing. They had backed themselves into a direct conflict of feelings here, and someone was going to get hurt in the resolution.

Irvine was leaning over the railing, staring idly at the passing terrain below. Selphie went to stand by him, and he stood up straight, brushing his long hair away from his face. "Sefie," he acknowledged her flatly.

Selphie put her hands on the rail and stared off into space, letting her emotions settle before she spoke. After at least a minute of contemplation, she stated quietly, "I still want to be friends."

"Me too."

They both looked forward again and fell silent, by no means having finished reconciling but searching from something appropriate to say next. The conversation had to continue somehow; they needed if nothing else the gradual healing that came simply from interacting normally with each other. But things were still too awkward to make idle chatter.

"You at all afraid you're going to have trouble letting go?" Selphie finally asked.

"I'm afraid I won't," Irvine said. "I think if I'm okay with this, then something's wrong."

"Irvine, you said yesterday that you thought I was making the right decision."

"No, no, I didn't mean in that way. I just... you know, I know things were going sour for us but there's still a lot I want to remember. I don't want to get over you, 'cause that would mean ... that all of you was insignificant enough to get over."

Selphie nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, then shook her head and looked away in silence. Zell, meanwhile, had finally mustered up the urge to speak. "Hey," he said from the door. They both turned to look at him. "Um, Irvine, can I talk to you for a sec?"

Irvine shrugged. "Sure."

"Want me to leave?" Selphie asked.

"If you don't mind."

Selphie nodded. Before she left, she looked up into Irvine's face and smiled. "You're a great guy, Irvine, and I want you to believe me when I say I hope everything works out for you."

"I do believe you. Thank you." Having spoken so, Irvine turned his back to Zell and looked out to the horizon again.

Zell stepped aside to let Selphie squeeze past through the door. He stepped forward slightly, but did not cross to the other side of the balcony. "Are you upset?" he asked tentatively.

Irvine didn't turn around. "Upset? Of course," he said, speaking into the wind. Zell couldn't tell if he was just too distraught to face him head-on or if Irvine hated Zell's guts now and refused to even acknowledge his humanity by looking at him.

He hesitated. Irvine remained at the railing, staring into the sky as if nothing was happening. Zell eventually forced himself to speak again. "I'm sorry." It sounded so false, so condescending to say it - hey, I came out of nowhere and stole your girlfriend, but I'm sorry, so it's all okay! - but he really was sorry. Not for what happened between him and Selphie, of course, but for the fact that it could not exist without destroying her previous relationship.

Irvine was silent again, looking up into the heavens with a wistful glaze. He forced perspective down this throat. "Well," he began still without looking away, "I know it sounds it horribly cliché to say it, but ... she wasn't the first; she won't be the last. I can deal with it."

Zell felt like a complete asshole again. Irvine was too accepting, too rational, too forgiving about this, and Zell was taking advantage of him! Dammit, wasn't there any way he could be with Selphie - and he did want to! - without feeling a complete tool? He idly noted that Selphie had accused him of being too accepting and too forgiving, though what implications that might have here he didn't know. "I... I don't know what to say," he whimpered.

Irvine finally faced him. "Would you do it all again?" he challenged with the trace of a smile.

"Do what again?"

"This. Selphie."

I'd definitely do Selphie again, but that's probably not what he meant. Dammit, now he was starting to think like Irvine. "Yeah," he said. "I mean... I know there's a lot of bad feelings, but... but... I can't see myself any other way. And someone's going to be unhappy no matter what happened. So, yeah, this is what I needed to."

Irvine grinned. "Then you did the right thing." He put his arm around Zell's shoulders as a gesture of support. "Good luck, man. I hope you can do for her what I couldn't."

Zell suddenly became acutely aware that Irvine was handling this a lot more nobly than Zell would if he was the one being dumped. He would probably be beating the shit out of something or locking himself in his room and crying like a baby. He imagined if Selphie suddenly ran away with Squall ... yep, he'd be angry at them. So why couldn't he hold the same standards against himself? It wasn't any different for him to be happy and Irvine to be alone than it was when he was alone and he was happy.

"Hyne, I don't want to hurt anyone," he murmured.

"No one ever said you did," Irvine said. He was about to continue when he showed his first visible signs of distress. He looked away from Zell, stopped talking, and took a deep breath to remain his stoic composure. "You're a good guy, Zell. I think you'll be happy together."

"You're a good guy, too," Zell replied automatically. "And... I hope that ... you find someone too." He'd hoped he'd phrased that in an acceptable way.

Irvine smiled wryly. "I'll try," he said. "Glad I could talk to you."

"Yeah." Zell turned and started to leave. He glanced over his shoulder to see if Irvine was following him.

Irvine shrugged. "You go ahead and leave; I think I'll stay here for a while."

"All right." Still shaken by the feeling that things were quite resolved, Zell marched into the jungle indoors. He looked around. "Selphie?"

"I'm over here." Zell followed her voice and found Selphie seated on the ground, leaning against a rock and scrawling in her diary.

He sat down beside her, leaned back, and exhaled deeply. "It's tough."

"Yeah," Selphie agreed. "But it's worth it, isn't it?"

Zell nodded. "You know, in spite of everything, I still feel more happy than anything else."

"Me too." Selphie looked over at him and clasped his left forearm in her right hand. "Zell... I know you tend to worry about other people's feelings more than your own, which is one thing I really admire about you. But I want to emphasize that what happens between me and Irvine is our business ... not that you shouldn't care about it, but you can't yourself for what other people are going to. As long as you do all that you can with what you have, you'll be doing as much as anyone could ever ask for."

"Hyne." Zell arched his back flush against the rock, lying listlessly against it. "Thank you, that was just what I needed this time."

Selphie smiled. "No problem," she said and hugged him.

As they embraced, Zell whispered, "Do you still want to go back to Trabia? I can go with you."

"Mmm, I think I'll stay here," Selphie said. "I have better friends than I think. Ooh, that reminds me!" She broke the embrace and picked up her diary from the ground. "I was writing in my diary. I want you to read it, of course."

Zell took the diary and opened it up to the most recent entry. Well, a lot has gone on in the past day, it read. I wasn't expecting it to end up like this ... but it feels right for a change. I still don't totally know what I'm doing, but I'm not going to worry about it. I've had enough of angst and tears and desperate romance. I'm looking forward to taking things easy and doing whatever I happen to feel like doing. Like smiling and talking to Zell and playing guitar. I still need to jam with Zell sometime. See, there's just so many things I can do when I'm not looking for them. Maybe I was trying too hard to make myself a place. I don't know. What matters is that I feel great now. The world just feels so right. Love and peace! ~ Selphie

P.S. Zell's still a cutie.