American AIBO 2: Angst For Nothing

[10.17.01] » by Fritz Fraundorf

Scanning the beach from atop the Balamb Inn, Selphie focused her binoculars on the young couple stepping barefoot together through the sunset-lit sand. Grinning wildly, she scooted closer to the edge of the roof and tried to pick up their conversation.

"I don't know; I'm feeling kinda lost these days," Zell was explaining as he gesticulated wildly. "I've just got this nagging fear that I might be starting to outgrow hating crappy bands. I mean, the punk scene's all out for Sum 41's blood, but all I can see is that it's the same dumb arguments that have been going for years. The same people bitch that they're manufactured pop teenybopper pussies and the same other people defend them on the basis that a band can play whatever they want. Nothing ever changes. There's no point to arguing about this stuff; it doesn't even matter! Like, really, who gives an amphibious fuck if the Madora Beach Dudbear Allstars signed with Shinra? What difference does it make? Punk is all one big friggin' joke. I'm really feeling like I don't fit in any more. You know that one Calvin & Hobbes where Calvin is suddenly able to see both sides of every issue and can't do anything because he always can see the argument against doing it? That's me. I'm Calvin." He sighed. "Damn, I must be getting old if I can't even get pissed off bands with frickin' numbers in their names."

"Um, isn't that, like, a good thing?"

"You don't understand, Yuffie. We're talking about my identity here. If you're not feeling outraged and oppressed, what do you have left to crusade for? I mean, what meaning is there to my life if I'm not fighting for something?" Zell shook his head sadly. "I really need something new to hate."

"That's stupid, Zell," Yuffie said. "Why can't you just, like, be happy the way you are instead of, like, always complaining about your crappy punk bands?" And why do I, like, not hate hearing you talk about this stuff when none of it makes any sense?

"Crappy?" Zell howled. He pointed an angry finger at her, his arm twitching with rage. "Don't you try to talk to me about quality music, Yuffie. I saw a New Found Glory CD in your room! I saw it!"

"Gawd, who cares? Shut up!"

"Awww, they're so cute when they're fighting ^___^," Selphie beamed.

Beside Selphie on the roof, Chu-Chu frowned. "Selphie? When am I going chu meet a great guy I can scream at and exchange blows with? I mean, it seems like everyone else has a signifchucant other these days. What am I doing wrong?"

"Chu-Chu, you're... pink >_<. And furry. And three feet tall. And not human."

"Okay, but someone besides Franz must be interested in pink, furry, three foot tall, non-human hotties. Come on, even Mike Tidwell can get laid; why can't I?"

"Don't worry, Chu-Chu. Someone will come along."

Chu-Chu scowled. "Well, Chu-Chu's tired of waiting! I want the sexy Y chromosome."

"Well, don't give up ^^. Really, I'm impressed that you managed to say 'blow' without any sort of sexual meaning. If you keep that, I bet guys won't keep running screaming from you ^__^."

Chu-Chu was silent for a minute, then looked up, a puzzled frown on her face. "Er, Selphie?"

"Yes ^^?"

"What did chu think I meant?"

QU'S MARSH presents
an OPTICAL RICE FIELD fanfic
AMERICAN AIBO 2: ANGST FOR NOTHING

Zell trudged up the path from the beach alone; Yuffie had already bounded on ahead. Zell hoped he hadn't offended her too much, even though she deserved it for listening to all those crappy bands. But at least Yuffie had managed to bring out his latent punk spirit. As Zell passed through the docks, someone tapped him on the shoulder. He jerked his head around and saw Kuja standing beside him.

"Ekthuthe me," the pale-skinned magician lisped. "I want to meet thailorth; do you know where they uthually hang out?"

Zell instinctively jerked out of his grasp. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" he snapped, elbowing Kuja away from him. "And put some damn clothes on already!"

Kuja bowed in apology, causing his thong to slide lower down his hips. "Ekthuthe me, my good thir, and apologieth if I have incurred your ire. I merely with to inquire -"

Zell flinched and looked away, repulsed. "Oh geez, dude, that's gross. Hyne, why don't you and Kid pool your money and buy a pair of pants to share so at least one of you can be decently clad at any given time?"

"Doeth my clothing not thuit you?" Kuja asked, hurt. He brushed back his hair and struck what he thought was a seductive pose, swaying his hips. "I conthider mythelf rather thriking, mythelf."

"Aaaaah!" Zell turned and ran away as fast as he could. As he was rounding the bend outside the Balamb Inn, he slammed into Yuffie, who was running the opposite direction.

Yuffie stumbled back, flailing her arms around to regain her balance. "Uh, oh, hi, Zell," she said. "Um, like, I felt bad for arguing with you 'n stuff, so, like, I got this magazine for you." She nervously held out a copy of Combat King, wondering how Zell would perceive this gift.

"Oh, uh, thanks." Zell looked away, embarassed. Was Yuffie really that upset? Did she really like him that much? He reluctantly took the magazine and started paging through it, trying to oblige Yuffie. "Oh, uh, this is the Dolphin Blow issue. Which, I, um, I already have." He closed and lowered the magazine, not sure what to do with it.

Yuffie took it out of his hands. "Oh," she said, disappointed. "Uh, I'd take it back, but, like, I, uh, forgot the receipt. Yeah."

Chu-Chu popped out from the alley beside the inn. "Ooh, if chu don't want the dolphin blow magazine, I'll take it!"

"Gawd, what are you -"

"Chu-Chu X_X!" Selphie came running after her. She stopped when she saw Yuffie and Zell. So much for their attempt to stay hidden. "Uh, sorry, guys ^^;;;."

Yuffie twitched with anger. "Selphie! Did you follow us here?"

"Sorry ;_;," Selphie whimpered, cowering.

"I want you to stop following me everywhere!" Yuffie shouted. "Gawd, can't you just leave us alone for once?" Yuffie threw the magazine down in disgust and stormed off down the street. Zell shrugged and tagged after her.

Chu-Chu quickly scurried over and picked up the Combat King. She eagerly flipped through it, looking for the Dolphin Blow section, but frowned when she saw it. "Oh. This is the other meaning of 'blow' chu were just telling me about."

* * *

The next day, the Garden Festival Committee convened in Selphie's room. "Okay, guys, the SeeD ball is in two days and we really need to get our act together x_X."

"Well, I guess I can, like, set up stuff or whatever," Yuffie volunteered. "And pick out the music too."

"I'll make sure everything's organized ^_^!"

"And I'll give the head!" Chu-Chu exclaimed.

Yuffie and Selphie just stared at her.

Zell poked his head into the room. "Hey, Selphie, can I talk to you? Like, alone? It's kind of important."

"Um, sure ^^." She nodded towards Yuffie and Chu-Chu, urging them to leave. Yuffie obliged and shuffled towards the door, wondering what sort of problem it was that Zell would talk to Selphie about and not her. Gawd, that's, like, something someone's girlfriend would think, Yuffie realized, horrified. Well, okay, she was kinda Zell's girlfriend, but, like, only sorta!

Chu-Chu had remained motionless, appearing lost in thought. She looked up at Selphie, raising a questioning paw to her lips. "I suppose a little ménage à trois would be out of the question?"

Selphie shooed her towards the door. "Out! Out"

"It was just a question," Chu-Chu protested defensively as she was shoved out the door.

"What's a mannaja-ah-whatever?" Yuffie asked, completely baffled.

Selphie hesitated. "Er... ^^"

"Is it something gross?"

"Yes >_<."

"Gawd, I should have known." Yuffie quickly turned away and slammed the door behind her, disgusted by whatever it was that Chu-Chu was implying someone, somewhere might be doing.

Zell helped himself to a chair. "Selph, I've got a problem," he sighed, hanging his head and striking one of his knees in frustration.

"Oh no," Selphie gasped, genuinely worried. "With Yuffie >_<?"

"Well, yeah, I guess," Zell said. He looked up at Selphie and stated sadly, "I think I'm homophobic."

"Er... homophobic? That means you don't like gay people ^^."

"Yeah," Zell nodded. "I ran into Kuja down in Balamb yesterday, and he was asking about where to find sailors, and I told him to cram it up his shalashaska. But, like, it's really none of my business if he's looking for sailors, right? I mean, if I wasn't homophobic, I'd say that it was no different than some guy looking for girls. But, like, I told him off and liked it. I must be homophobic if I find that exciting."

"Okay, umm, but what does this have to do with Yuffie?"

"Look, would you want to date some kind of fascist asshole? If people think I'm homophobic, I can forget getting any girls."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Zell ^^. People's attitudes are changing. It's okay to be homophobic. I mean... there's all sorts of positive examples of homophobia in the media nowadays."

"Yeah, but what if people don't approve of my unnaturally hate-filled homophobic lifestyle?"

"Zell, there's always going to be people who will criticize anything you do; you can't let them get you down ^_^. I mean, do you see Jerry Falwell backing down because everyone called him an idiot? Did they call off the Defense of Marriage Act when someone said it was unconstitutional? No! You can't let society's stereotypes get in your way, you've got to be yourself ^__^!"

"But I don't want to be homophobic! I mean... I always thought of myself as a nice, normal accepting guy. Why do I have to have these homophobic tendencies?"

"Don't worry about it, Zell ^^;;;. You're young and experimenting. I'm sure almost everyone's thought about being homophobic sometime. I mean, come on, who doesn't want to punch Kuja in the face XP?"

Zell was not convinced. "What if Seifer finds out I'm homophobic? He'll kick my ass."

"Seifer's gay oO;;?"

"No, but he always kicks my ass no matter what I do."

"Well, you don't have to say homophobic things, you know :PPP."

"Listen, I'm not going to pretend I'm something I'm not," Zell said, resigned to this curse. "I was born this way. I can't change who I am." He stared blankly into space, contemplating his situation, and then pounded his fist down on the chair arm. "DAMMIT, I DIDN'T ASK TO BE HOMOPHOBIC!"

"Zell, I'm sure there's a campus support group for this. I mean... you're certainly not the only homophobic person out there. Er, not that I'm accusing you of..."

"No, no, go ahead. I'm ready to face my feelings." He sighed. "Hyne, he's such a freak; just thinking about him makes me want to smack him. I've never felt that way about a guy before."

* * *

Meanwhile, the perpetrator of Zell's torment was still prancing through Balamb, searching for others that could help him on his quest. He approached a bespectacled man standing on a street corner. The man was carrying a cheaply-made cardboard gunblade and wearing a white lab coat with imitations of Seifer's "Fire Cross" sign tacked on the shoulders. "Do you know where I can find thailorth?" Kuja asked him.

Hal "Otacon" Emmerich was interrupted from his vacant gazing into space. "Hmm?" he asked, having completely missed what Kuja was saying.

"Thailorth. I need to find a thailor to take me to Ethar, where I will be reunited with my dear, thweet Lady Adel." He clasped his hands over his chest. "Oh, Adel, my little canary! How I long to see your fair features again! Your unparalled beauty has rendered me thricken to my very thoul with love! Of all the women in the univerthe, you tower over them with withdom, pathion, and grathe!"

Otacon was horrified. "No! You're wrong! No other woman can compare to the perfection of Trepe-sama! Did you not see her noble features? Her gem-like eyes revealing innocence? Her gorgeous hair symbolizing passion? Her spectacular whip symbolizing power! Her wise, commanding voice? Her mighty hands with incredible strength? Her proud posture demanding respect?"

"No."

"Heretic!" Otacon howled, pointing an accusing finger at Kuja. "Well, that's only your loss! I -" He made a dramatic sweep with his arm. "- am about to meet Trepe-sama in person! Yes, my days of communicating with my beloved only through an IRC bot modeled after her personality are about to end! With my clever Seifer cosplay outfit, I will infiltrate Balamb Garden and win Trepe-sama's heart. Trepies forever!"

"Trepieth, ha! Anyone who preferth a frumpy bore like Quithtith to the thtunning perfekthun of Adel ith an utter numbthkull!"

"How dare you call Trepe-sama boring! I must defend my beloved's honor!" Otacon hit Kuja over the head with his cardboard gunblade, causing it to fold in half. "Now take back what you said about my beloved or I... or I... or I won't link to you from my Quistis webcomic!"

"You nincompoop! Adel is clearly the finetht woman to have ever lived!" Kuja delivered a limp-wristed slap to Otacon's shoulder. "Take that!"

* * *

Selphie pounded on Quistis' dorm room door. "Quisty~~~~ ^_^;!" she called. Quistis opened the door. "Quisty, you haven't bought your ticket to the SeeD ball yet; why not? Haven't you found someone to go with?"

Quistis frowned. Not this again. Couldn't Selphie just let her waste away in her unattached solitude instead of dragging her through these painful - and fruitless - exercises. "I don't think I'll be going to the SeeD ball," she said simply.

Selphie leaned forward with her hands on her knees. "Awww, come on, I'll find you a date," she insisted playfully.

Quistis shrugged. "Like who?" She wasn't without appreciation for Selphie's frequent attempts to attach her to a boyfriend, but she had given up on expecting results a long time ago.

Selphie thought for a brief second, then grinned and opened her mouth. "No, not Seifer," Quistis quickly interjected.

Selphie's face fell. "Why not?"

"What makes you think I'd want to go the SeeD ball with Seifer?"

"Uh... he's the only straight guy I know at Garden that isn't attached to anyone?"

"Yes, that's the logic they usually use."

"Well, I'm sure you can find someone," Selphie said. "I mean, come on, you have a whole fanclub!"

"Selphie, I can't have a relationship with someone who does nothing but fawningly agree with everything I say and do. I'm tired of trying to live up to the pedestal the Trepies put me on. I do hate to let them down, but I -"

"TREPE-SAMAAAAAAAAAAA!" Someone squealed from around the corner.

Quistis rolled her eyes. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."

A man in a shoddy imitation of Seifer's trenchcoat came racing down the hall. He threw himself at Quistis' feet and gazed up at her with fawning eyes, starstruck. "Trepe-sama! Balamb Garden de uhhhhhh... hataraku koto waaaa.... er....." Otacon continued to ramble on in pidgin Japanese for several more minutes until Quistis finally interrupted him.

"I can't understand you. Could you speak in English?"

"Oh... oh, um... what's it like working at Balamb Garden?"

* * *

Zell nervously marched towards the rear end of the Balamb Garden library. He was still having a hard time thinking of himself as homophobic, and attending a meeting of some hate group wasn't helping matters. He wondered which of his peers had been homophobes, unknown to him, all this time. Now he was going to have to think about them in a new light.

Zell poked his head around the bookcase and beheld the lone member of the Homophobics Against Teaching Equality. He blinked. "Fujin?"

"YES?"

"I, er.... uh, you're a homophobe?"

"YES." Fujin nodded sadly.

Zell coughed nervously. "Um, I hope you don't mind me asking this but, uh, who are you homophobic with?"

"RAIJIN."

"Oh... no wonder you kick him all the time," Zell said, starting to ramble on slightly in his nervousness. "Gosh, I didn't even know he was gay."

"RAIJIN = FAG0T."

"Now, that wasn't a very nice thing to say."

Fujin stared daggers at him. Zell stared puzzled at her merciless glare and started to think over what he might have done to offend her. "Oh, right, you're homophobic. My bad."

Fujin relaxed her glare and leaned back in her chair. "ZELL, HOMOPHOBIC?"

"Um, I guess," Zell said. He quickly tried to change the subject. "So do we have, like, a charter, or something?"

"NONE."

"Okay, ah, maybe we should write one?" Zell started thinking aloud. "Um, okay, let's see, Homophobics Against Teaching Equality is an equal opportunity organization and does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, or sexual orientation."

Fujin scowled. "SEXUAL ORIENTATION?"

Zell realized he was backing himself into a conversational corner. "Um, I mean, like, what if some gay people wanted to join the club? Or, I mean, uh, they could be bisexual and homophobic, you know? I mean, we should be inclusive of all homophobic people, right?"

Fujin picked up a dictionary and clobbered Zell on the forehead with it. "NOT HOMOPHOBIC," she declared. Stuffing the book under one arm, she did an about-face and stormed out of the library.

"Hey!" Zell quickly jumped back to his feet. "I am too homophobic!" he shouted after her.

Wait a second. He didn't want to be homophobic. Why was he arguing that he was? If Fujin was sure he wasn't homophobic, he should be glad, not pissed off.

Dammit, this didn't make any sense.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Garden Festival Committee was back at work. "I made a chu-do list for us," Chu-Chu beamed, handing a long scroll of paper to Selphie.

"Oh, thanks, Chu-Chu ^^!" Selphie went to hang it up on the wall, and only as she was posting it did she take a look at it. "'Hire strippers!?' Chu-Chu, what in the world were you - 'Set up for post-dance orgy!?'"

"Do chu think I should move that one up?"

Mikoto Tribal poked her head through the open door. "Oh, hard at work planning your stupid ball?" Selphie's frequent nemesis sneered. "I could say something about the Garden Festival Committee, but I won't."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. Not this again. "Um, so, like, then why did you even bring it up, then?"

"Nope. Not gonna say it."

"Okay, so, like, if you're not gonna say it then, like, you don't need to be here, so go away."

"I don't care how much you beg me; I'm not saying it."

Intrigued, Chu-Chu offered a deal. "Hey, if I promise not chu flirt with chu any more, will chu tell me what you wanted chu say?"

Mikoto shrugged. "Oh, I just wanted to say that Chu-Chu is a perverted little piece of puked-up pond scum and I wish she would leave me alone." Having spoken her piece, she shut the door.

Selphie scowled. Why did Mikoto have to be so abrasive? Oh well, they had to stay on track. "Where were we? Oh yes >_<. Getting rid of your strippers." Selphie took a pen and crossed out Chu-Chu's offending items. "Oh, and I'm changing 'Find Chu-Chu a hot date' to 'Find Quisty a hot date.'"

"Hey!" Chu-Chu affixed herself to Selphie's leg and tugged insistently on her skirt. "Change it back! That's not fair!"

"Chu-Chu, no offense, but, you know... there's a chance that I can actually find Quisty a date, okay? Whereas you're... pink. And furry. And three feet tall ^^."

"Yeah, but at least she has a whip to entertain herself with. Garden wouldn't even approve any of the weapons I wanted, so I'm one step behind the rest of chu girls."

Selphie cringed. "Uh, Chu-Chu, I don't think most girls, uh, use their weapons that way ^^;;;;;;;."

"Grossness!" Yuffie echoed the sentiment.

Chu-Chu frowned. "Oh, so all those pictures were completely apocryphal?" She stopped to take in this information, wondering how so many artists could have lied to her. At last, she settled on a final thought and looked up to Selphie. "Can I borrow chur nunchaku then?"

"No >_<!"

Yuffie scratched her head. "What's 'apocryphal?' Is that something gross too?"

"No, Yuffie. It means the pictures weren't true," Selphie explained. "Er, at least, I don't think anyone has yet managed to attach any sexual innuendo to the word 'apocryphal' ^^;;;;."

"Oh." Yuffie still wasn't entirely convinced. "Well, uh, like, don't give Chu-Chu any ideas!"

Chu-Chu just leered at them.

* * *

Meanwhile, in orbit over the moon...

Laguna deposited several shrinkwrapped yaoi dojinshi and a violet envelope in the mail slot of Adel's Prison. "Here's your mail, ma'am."

"Don't you 'ma'am' me," Adel shouted through the mail slot. "That's a sexist heterosexist term designed to denigrate and control womyn!" She picked up the stack of mail. "Ooh, my Weiß Kreuz yaoi came."

Adel opened the other envelope. Inside was a piece of pink construction paper cut into a heart. Someone had scribbled on it in crayon:
"I LIKE YOU. WILL YOU BE MY CANARY? ( ) YES ( ) NO -KUJA"

Lacking any writing implement, Adel used her finger to punch a dangling chad in the "NO" box. She passed the heart back through the mail slot. "Return this crap to sender and tell him to keep his hands off wymynn. I'm a lesbian; I don't need to take this crap from males who think with their massive, throbbing, eight-inch ... uh, I mean, their dicks."

Laguna rubbed the top of his helmet in confusion. "If you're a lesbian, why are you always ordering yaoi? I mean, there's nothing but guys in that, right?"

Adel snorted. "You think you can score with me like all the other males? Well, forget it. You'll never get anywhere with me. I'm queer by choice! Wyzzym'ynneaux power!" She gave the finger through the mail slot and turned away to peruse her new dojinshi. "Mmm, Ken looks so hot in this."

* * *

At 3 AM, most of Balamb Garden was slumbering peacefully after a hard day of studying and training. Yuffie Kisaragi, however, was just beginning her day. Which, in this case, involved a lot of nervous pacing back and forth outside of Zell's room as she tried to gather up the courage to venture inside and ask him to the ball.

Meanwhile, Selphie had just awakened from a particularly vivid dream. She quickly grabbed the phone beside her bed and called Quistis. After several rings, Quistis finally answered the phone. "What? What is it?" she answered, assuming an emergency was happening.

"Quistis! Quistis! I just had this really weird dream."

"Oh no, don't tell me you dreamed you killed us all again."

"No... see, you went on a SeeD mission with Quina, and Quina was in love with you, but it was depressed because you were a human, and then it found out you were half-Qu and turned into a Qu at night, and then you got married and lived happily ever after. And then we made a movie about it, and it was really popular, because all the other movies that were coming out sucked so much ^^."

"That's absolutely horrible."

"Uh, does this mean you're not interested in going to the ball with Quina, then :((?"

Quistis hung up.

* * *

Zell was chasing Kuja up a flight of stairs to the peak of Pandemonium. "God hates fags!" he cried, shoving Kuja off the cliff.

"SHIT!" Zell sat bolt upright in bed, sweating profusely. He'd just dreamt he was a moron.

Zell took a deep breath. "Okay, Zell, calm down," he said out loud to soothe himself. "You don't hate gay people; it was just a dream. Just a dream."

After several minutes, however, he was still unsure of himself. If he didn't hate gay people, why was he having all these homophobic fantasies in his dreams?

There was only way to convince himself he wasn't a homophobe. He jumped out of bed and went to his computer. He had to look at a lot of gay porn and prove he was totally cool with homosexual sex. What was that one anime series with those effeminate mecha pilots that Chu-Chu was always obsessing over? Something Wing ... Zero Wing? That sounded right. He searched for "zero wing yaoi"

...and was directed right to Chu-Chu's homepage. Well, that wasn't really too surprising. Who else would write this kind of stuff? Feeling more than a bit anxious - what if he didn't enjoy this stuff? what if he did? - he clicked his way to Chu-Chu's Zero Wing yaoi fanfiction and beheld her extremely limited writing talents:

Dammit, this wasn't exciting. He knew Chu-Chu must be drooling over this ... and all he could see it as was a ridiculously stilted attempt at writing erotica. He really must be homophobic.

Perhaps he'd have better luck with fan art. He checked that section, and found himself staring at a pale-skinned, out-of-proportion CATS fondling a naked - and equally poorly-drawn - Captain. Along the bottom was giant red text reading "THIS FANART IS COPYRITE 2001 CHU-CHU!! DON'T COPY OR LOOK AT IT W/O MY PERMISION IT IS ILEGAL!!" In much smaller letters beneath it was written "I think Zero Wing is the intilectual property of Toaplan or somebody."

The door opened. "Zell?" a familiar voice called. He cringed. In a panic, he tried to shut the monitor off or switch to another window or hit the Back button or do something -- and, flustered, managed to do none of them. "Ohmigawd, like, what the hell!?" Yuffie shrieked upon seeing what was on the monitor.

"Wait! I can explain! It's not -"

"Gawd, grossness, I can't believe you!" Yuffie slammed the door.

Dammit, he was really up the crick now. And he still couldn't get into this crap.

* * *

The next morning...

Quistis was sitting on the railing of the quad steps, idly skipping rocks across the river, when Chu-Chu found her. "Hello, Instructchu-or Trepe. Chu look sad; what's up?"

"Oh, just the usual," Quistis said, her voice tinged with melancholy. "Selphie harassing me to go the SeeD ball, too many exams to grade, students who refuse to learn how to junction and think they're only supposed to summon G.F.s."

"Well, chu can junction me as your G.F. any day of the week, Quisty-chan," Chu-Chu proclaimed.

Selphie jogged out of the building in pursuit of her friend. "Chu-Chu! Leave Quisty alone >_<!"

"But she needs a date and so do I!" Chu-Chu leaned closer to Quistis. "So, Quisty, how about you and me go get, uh, apocryphal?" She winked. "If ya know what I mean..."

Quistis sighed a long-suffering sigh. "Did you teach her this one, Selphie?"

"Not intentionally >_<."

She shook her head. "I have this terrible fear that one day in the near future, every word in the English language will carry some sort of sexual double meaning, thus rendering it impossible to carry on a conversation without it being hijacked by perverts."

"And then after we 'get apocryphal', I'll 'glomp' chu and chu can 'smiffyjig' me," Chu-Chu continued. "And then we'll both 'fap' and 'whoosh.'"

Quistis stepped off the railing and knelt down to Chu-Chu's level in a last-ditch attempt to reason with her. "Chu-Chu," she said gently, "have you ever considered that someone who isn't mature enough to refer to sexual practices without using wacky euphemisms probably shouldn't be engaging in them in the first place?"

"No. Want to 'unf'?"

Selphie came down the steps to join them at the railing. "Aren't you supposed to be in class anyway, Chu-Chu ^^;? I thought you had Japanese at 10:30."

"Oops!" Chu-Chu clasped two horrified paws to her mouth. Hitting on hot human girls was fun, but her grades came first. After all, as the first member of the Chu-chu Tribe to go to college, a lot was riding on her small pink furry shoulders. Chu-Chu curled up into a ball and rolled up the steps. "Bye, Quisty-chan!"

Selphie approached Quistis, grinning. "Anyway, Quisty, I found you the perfect date to the ball ^^."

"Oh, I can't wait to hear this one. Who is it now?"

Selphie spread her arms. "ME ^__^!"

"What?"

"C'mon, it'll be fun ^__^!" Quistis still remained skeptical. Selphie rolled her eyes and put a hand on her hip. "Oh, Quisty, stop being such a wet blanket XP. You'll have a great time."

They started to walk back towards Garden. "I don't know, Selphie," Quistis said. She knew she should be grateful for all Selphie was trying to do for her, but this was just so silly.

"Why; what's wrong ^^?" Selphie asked, peering into Quistis' face and trying to figure out what was holding her back. She had a sudden realization and added, "Are you worried people are going to think you're gay? That's silly; everyone will know we're just going as friends. It's not like you've been going around checking out girls :PPP."

Quistis coughed and looked away.

"Huh O_O;;;!?" Did Quistis really mean when Selphie thought she did? Selphie was too taken back to start to ponder the implications of this and instead babbled nervously. "Well, um, not that there's anything wrong with that x_X! Oh, um, gosh, I had no idea O_O. Er, so, like, you're bi O_O? Why didn't you say so? I mean, I could have found girls for you to go with too ^^;;. Uh, or something." She gradually realzied she wasn't being very coherent and blushed.

Quistis glanced skyward for patience. "Selphie, I didn't say that I was bi."

"But, um, you were looking at girls 'n stuff oO;;;?"

Quistis shrugged. "Well, sometimes, sure," she admitted after a moment's hesitation. "But just being attracted to girls doesn't mean I'm bisexual, okay?"

Now it was Selphie's turn to fix Quistis in a stare of bemused exasperation. She stopped and pursed her lips in quiet amusement. "Quisty, you goofball," she said, trying not to grin too much. This was so typically Quisty. "What else do you think it means XP?" Unable to contain herself any more, she doubled over in giggles.

"Well, I..." Quistis trailed off, more than a little irritated that Selphie was laughing about her personal matters. She sighed. "I guess if you put it that way. I don't know; I can't imagine just waking up one day and deciding that I'm bi. I mean ... perhaps if there was someone to be told for sure..."

"You mean like this ^^;;;?" Selphie pulled a small black PalmPilot-like device out of her dress pocket and pointed it at Quistis. She pressed a button and the device scanned over her with a green light. "GAYDAR 3000 ACTIVATED. ANALYZING LIFEFORM 'QUISTIS TREPE'. BISEXUALITY DETECTED." "You should have asked sooner."

"Er, yes. Well, I guess that settles that." Quistis wasn't quite sure what to make of this. It was rather strange to have someone suddenly tell her that she liked women. "This still seems so anticlimactic, though. I always assumed if I was lesbian or bi, I'd end up having some torrid, unplanned one-night stand that would awaken me to my sexuality."

Selphie put a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder and nodded in sympathy. "Aw, don't worry about it. Being bisexual is in, Quisty. For once you're ahead of me when it comes to fashion ~_^."

"Er, Selphie, I don't mean to offend you, but I really don't base my sexual orientation on passing fads."

"Well, why not XP?" Selphie giggled. "I mean, you don't want to be left behind ... furnisexuality was popular last year, but 2001 is totally about being bi for girls and gay for guys. I think heterosexuality might be due for a retro resurgence next summer, though ~_~."

"Selphie..."

"What oO;;?"

Quistis shook her head. "Never mind. It's hopeless."

* * *

"Okay, so, um, I promised Quistis I'd find her a date to the ball, so I'm going with her because I couldn't find anyone else X_X. Also, Quistis is bi, and she's going to be coming out at the SeeD meeting tonight, but it really doesn't have anything with us going to the ball, okay?" Selphie fidgeted nervously, waiting for Irvine's reaction. Quistis, meanwhile, slunk back and tried not to attract attention to herself. "We're just going as, uh, you know, cousins. I'm not bi or gay anything, really ^^;;;;."

"But this is a fanfic, Sefie. Everyone is bisexual in fanfics."

"Are you bisexual in this fanfic XP?"

That question rendered him silent, but Quistis opened her mouth to speak. "I was drunk, Quistis," Irvine quickly interrupted.

Quistis chuckled behind her hands. "That's what they all say."

"So, um, you aren't too angry, are you ^^;;?" Selphie dangled her left arm by her side and held it with her right as she rocked back and forth on her heels. She hung her head. "Um, and I'm really sorry for standing you up at the last minute m(_)m. But, um, I bet you can find someone else to go with pretty easy. I don't care who, really." She looked down, feeling more and more guilty. "Um, you're not too mad at me, are you >_<?"

"I guess not," Irvine said. Anything for Sefie.

Selphie bounced. "Yay ^__^!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around his shoulders. "Thanks Irvine! I love you; you're the best!" She thought for a moment, then added, "Say, Irvine ^^;;?"

"Mm?"

"Did you have someone in mind that you might want to go with? Because if not..." She whispered something in his ear.

Irvine raised an eyebrow. "A raffle?"

"It would be a good way to raise money for the Garden Festival Committee ^_^;;! And then you don't have to worry about finding someone to go with on such short notice!"

Irvine shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

"WHOO HOO ^___^!" Selphie resumed hopping up and down.

* * *

Meanwhile, Yuffie was waiting outside Selphie's room for her friend to return. Normally, noon would be a great time for sleeping, but the events of last night were still bothering her - bothering her more than she'd like to admit. Why was Zell looking at that gross yaoi stuff? Sure, she figured it was too much to expect that any guy would like her for more than few days, but why yaoi? Had he suddenly decided he was gay? She wanted to say something to him, find out what was going on, but she had no idea what would be appropriate to say.

Selphie finally arrived. "Hey, Selphie, can I, like, talk to you for a second?" Yuffie asked.

"Sure ^_^. Look, I know Zell was looking at yaoi, but he -"

Yuffie's head jerked up. "Wait, how did you, like, know what he was doing?"

Selphie cringed, realizing she'd just backed herself into a rather uncomfortable corner. "Um, oh geez, Yuffie, I have to admit... I was, um, taping you >_< with my, uh..."

"With your what?"

"With my X10 WIRELESS VIDEO CAMERA."

Yuffie slapped her hands on her knees in frustration. "Gawd, Selphie! You promised me you'd stop spying on us 'n stuff!"

"I never promised that ^^;;;."

"Okay, but it's still, like, totally mean!"

Selphie quickly changed the subject. "Well, I wanted to tell you that Zell was probably looking at yaoi not because he's homosexual but because he thinks he's homophobic ^^."

Yuffie looked repulsed. "Homophobic? Well, that's even worse."

"Oh." Flustered, Selphie grappled for some other way to cheer her friend up. "Um, oh dear. Um, if it makes you feel any better, Chu-Chu was really excited she got some hits on her Zero Wing yaoi ^_^;;;;;!"

"No, it doesn't," Yuffie sighed. She gave the wall a dissatisfied pound. "Gawd, I just wish there was some place where I could, like, take out my frustrations by forcing one-sided angsty diatribes down the throats of, like, hundreds of random strangers."

"It's called the Internet, Yuffie XP."

"Huh?"

"The Internet, Yuffie ^__^! There's no better place for melodrama and pretentiousness! You could keep an online journal and overdramatize everything that happens to you and tell vague stories about offline people that no one reading the journal would know ^^;;. That'll make you feel better!"

Yuffie brightened. "Hey, that's, like, a good idea! And I can, like, post lots of lyrics to Japanese songs that no one has ever heard of 'n stuff!"

"YEAH ^__^!" Selphie was pleasantly surprised by what a comprehensive remedy this was turning out to be. "See, there's a solution to every problem, and it usually involves transferring your troubles onto people you don't know ^^;."

Yuffie nodded. "Thanks, Selphie. I guess I should have thought of that myself, but oh well."

"No problem ^__^."

Selphie grinned as Yuffie walked off. Well, there was another one of her friends' problems solved - though she was still planning to make sure Zell and Yuffie got back together in time for the ball. Sometimes it was hard work, juggling all the love lives she was manipulating, but seeing her friends walk away smiling made it all worthwhile. And she certainly didn't want to be stuck-up just because she a cute boyfriend -- she had to make sure everyone else did too.

Of course, she didn't quite have a cute boyfriend of her own at the moment. She was really starting to feel guilty for ditching Irvine, especially after how obliging he had been. Perhaps she was due to actually pay some attention to her own relationships instead of spending all her time writing others' - but it was just so much easier to feel good by create other peoples' lives instead of having to deal with her own. But she could worry about that later; right now she felt like a nap.

Selphie stepped into her room only to find Chu-Chu sitting on the floor inside. The little creature was carefully tearing off raffle tickets from the roll one by one and printing her name in all caps on their backs.

"Chu-Chu >__<! Those are the raffle tickets!"

Chu-Chu stared up at her, wondering how Selphie could have said something so stupefyingly idiotic. "Yes, that's the point."

"Nuh-uh." Selphie put her hands on her hips. "You are not going to the ball with Irvine."

"What if Chu-Chu pays for them?"

"Um..." Selphie tried to think of a way out of this situation. She did sympathize with Chu-Chu, but there was no she was going to inflict her on Irvy-poo. "...you can't enter because you're part of the Garden Festival Committee, right?"

"Oh." Chu-Chu frowned. "Well, we should have a special auction chu find me a date. Chu can't just all run off and have your hot human sex parties and leave me by myself! I feel like the Trix Rabbit here."

"Chu-Chu, it's because you're... pink," Selphie repeated. "And furry. And three feet tall. And we're not having 'hot human sex parties' >_<."

"Love knows no species!" Chu-Chu insisted. She leaned closer and whispered, "I'd sure like to engage in sexual intercouse with Irvine, if ya know what I mean."

Selphie found her patience quickly wearing thin. "Chu-Chu, I told you to leave him alone, and I mean it -_-. You're not going to the SeeD ball with Irvine and I want you to stop harassing him. Understand?"

Chu-Chu looked down at the ground out of apparent guilt. After thinking for a short time, however, she looked up and glared at Selphie. "If Irvine was my boyfriend I wouldn't ditchu him and then raffle him off," she said stuffily. "But if you're not going chu let me screw chu, screw chu. I can have fun without chu." She threw the tickets all across the floor and stormed out of the room.

Selphie shook her head sadly. "Silly cabbit. Irvine's dick is for human chicks."

* * *

That afternoon, at the SeeD meeting...

"Okay, before we start the meeting, I believe someone would like to make a personal announcement," Cid said. He looked down the table to Quistis.

Zell jumped up. "All right! I'm not going to hide it any more! It's time to let the world know just who I am! I'm homophobic!"

The other SeeDs waited uneasily for him to continue, not sure whether to interpret this as a lame joke falling on its face or as an actual confession.

"Does this mean you hate me now?" Nida asked eagerly. At last, his existence might be a source of someone else's discomfort! Perhaps other people would have to deal with his desires instead of the other way around! He could make an impression on the world after all!

"Huh?" Zell was caught off guard by the question. Did he hate Nida? He couldn't think of any reason he would; Nida was an okay guy, he supposed, even though he didn't really do anything. "Um, no, you're cool."

"Argh!"

"Wait, you're gay, Nida?" Squall asked.

Nida winced. "Yes, I came out last year. Don't you remember?"

An uncomfortable silence reigned over the table.

"Oh, come on, someone must remember."

Still silence.

"Goddammit! What does it take to make an impression around here? No one ever cares about me."

Zell exploded. "Oh, you think you think have it rough? Who's going to sympathize with me? Who's going to say, 'Zell, I may not share your sexual orientation, but I support your campaign to win acceptance of your alternative lifestyle of bigotry and discrimination?' I mean, is there a homophobic Teletubby? Huh? Is there?"

"Zell, calm down; no one's accusing you of being -"

Edea was quickly drowned out by Zell's continued tirade. "What's my catchy slogan? What am I supposed to crusade for? 'I'm here and I hate queers?' I like gay people!"

Nida raised his hand. "Can you at least hate me? Please?"

As usual, Zell ignored him. "See, it's easy being gay! You've got a free ticket to support groups to help you out, an image to identify with, an easy way to meet other people you'd be interested in ... hell, just by being gay, you're making the world a better and more equitable place! But every time I talk to a girl, I'm only helping to reinforce antiquated notions of acceptable family units! I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem! I don't want to be part of the problem; I want to make things better, but there's nothing worthwhile for me to do! I mean, you guys all have, like, gay pride or Asian pride or something, but all I can have is whiny privileged white guy pride, and that's like the KKK or 'Fight Club,' and I don't know which of those is worse."

"What the hell? Identity, my ass, do you see anyone supporting me?" Nida clung desperately to the prospect that he might be able to attract some attention. He scanned the table. "Come on, doesn't anyone find the fact that I'm gay the least bit interesting?"

"Seeeeelphiiiieeee!" Chu-Chu stormed into the room in a huff. "The people at the zoo just threw me out of the Touch 'n Love exhibit. They can't do that, can they?"

"It's their zoo, Chu-Chu," Selphie explained patiently. "And I think the animal rights people would complain if they didn't."

Chu-Chu put her hands on her hips. "Well, chu can't spell 'animal rights' without 'anal rights,' so poo on them."

Selphie rose from the table and gently guided Chu-Chu towards the door. "Come on, let's go find something else to do ^_^. I think you've molested enough pygmy goats for one day x_X."

Zell held out his hands, pleading to get his point across. "I want to be like Chu-Chu! When she won't stop talking about sex, she's breaking down established gender roles and making a powerful statement about embracing one's sexuality. But, like, if I think a girl's cute, that just makes me a shallow chauvinist asshole! I don't want to have to be a shallow chauvinist asshole! I want to be a nice guy that everybody likes 'cause he's cool and always does the right thing! But I can't, because I'm homophobic!"

Nida jumped to his feet, causing his chair to topple over backwards, and pointed an accusing finger at Zell. "Well, if you're so damn homophobic, why don't you call me a fag and tell me I'm going to hell, huh? Bring it on!"

"Look, I'm sorry I can't share you guys' interests!" Zell's rant grew even more hysterical. "I didn't ask to be different from everyone else! I really don't want to like Legend of Mana and Donkey Kong more than Suikoden and Megaman, but that's just the way I am! Believe me, please, I'd love to be able to listen to visual rock bands that all look like chicks and call myself 'Heidegger no Miko' and ramble to everyone I meet about how I'm the CRAZIEST fanfic writer and how OBSESSED I am with all the 'bois' I own from pocket-bishonen.com and 'pouncetacklehugglesnugglesnickerfuckhumpglomp' all my Internet friends! I'm sick of being objective and above everything! I want to be dumb for a change! Ignorance is bliss! Why can't I be a fangirl too?" He sat down and folded his arms, enjoying the stunned silence.

Quistis frowned. "Would this be a bad time to announce that I'm bi?"

* * *

Zell trudged out of the meeting room with his hands in his pockets as he stared at the ground. He quickly veered off from the rest of the crowd to brood alone. Dammit, he really did wish he could be a fangirl. Because, now, if he didn't read yaoi fanfics, it was because he was insecure about his sexuality. And if he did read yaoi fanfics, he was obviously gay and just hadn't come out because he was insecure about his sexuality. What a gyp. Being a heterosexual male sucked. If he could only be some sort of minority -- then he'd be free to do whatever he wanted to do and have a moral justification automatically granted to him. At least he could rationalize being depressed that way.

It wasn't fair that Nida and Quistis and Raijin got to be gay just because. He wished there was some way he could build a machine to steal Nida's sexual orientation - after all, it wasn't like Nida was using it. Indeed, the more he thought about it, the more he realized things would be so much cooler if he was gay. Not only would he be able to stop worrying about being homophobic, he could exact his revenge against Team Vagina for scratching his fragile male ego. Yes, he might have to beg for attention from them now, but if he was gay, he could proudly announce that they couldn't have him and reject them all! Not that any girl ever wanted him in the first place, of course, but that was the whole point.

Okay, so there was Yuffie ... but he'd feel bad about leeching off her interest in him. He liked Yuffie; he didn't want to make her settle for him if he couldn't make himself gay. After all, he'd think it was cool if some chick he was dating was a lesbian ... it wouldn't be fair to not expect to Yuffie feel the same way. He didn't want to take advantage of her by letting her settle for something less than ideal, not when she'd obviously be a lot more excited about gay guys.

There had to be some way he could make himself gay. Surely if Michael Jackson could change his race, there was some way he could change his sexual orientation. Maybe Quistis had already done that! After all, being bi was a great way to attract the opposite sex and still be interested in them. Yes, there was hope after all!

"Zell?" Quistis said behind him.

Zell cringed. Dammit, what was he supposed to say to her now? She was bisexual; what if he said something homophobic to her? Or biphobic, or whatever. Quistis was his friend; he couldn't do that! Zell ducked and stepped briskly away, hoping to slip out of her attention.

"Zell?" Quistis repeated.

"Don't talk to me! I don't want to see you ever again!" Zell's guilt cried out. He fled into the elevator.

Quistis raised an eyebrow. "Oh dear. I wonder if he really is homophobic."

"Yeah, he's been ignoring me too," Nida added.

The others ignored him. "Don't worry, Quisty," Selphie said, "everyone likes lesbians ^__^. Um, speaking of which, can I talk to you alone for a sec, Irvy-poo?"

Irvine and Selphie stepped aside into an empty classroom. "What's up, Selphie?"

"Um, you're sure you don't mind me going to the ball with Quistis ^^?"

Irvine shrugged. "Hey, I want you to do whatever makes you happy. But, uh, take some pictures, okay?"

"What >_<?" Selphie howled. She stomped her foot. "Irvine! I told you we're going as cousins! I mean, that'd be, like, incest x_X!" She saw that he had not reacted and fixed him with a mock-serious glare with her hands on her hips. "You really don't believe me, do you XP?"

Irvine winked. "Well, there's nothing wrong with a little wishful thinking, is there?"

Selphie laughed and hugged him. "Oh, Irvy, you're incorrigible ^__^." She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the forehead. "I'll think about it O:)," she whispered. Then she scampered off, giggling.

* * *

Chu-Chu trudged into Japanese class the next morning. The SeeD ball was today, and she still hadn't found a hot date, or even an ugly one. Selphie was so awash in hotties that she had to auction one off, and here she was without anyone. It wasn't fair! They were all so caught up in themselves that they couldn't remember to share the love (and the hot lovin') with all the little people. It was like she was in Eyes Wide Shut and she was Tom Cruise and Franz was Nicole Kidman and they were all the people in masks and Nida was a digitally-inserted extra. Except they wouldn't even let her have an orgy at the SeeD ball.

But at least she'd found someone to share her vast yaoi collection with. She was looking forward to that.

"Right everything has started namely class," Professor Daravon announced. "We start the terminology whose today is new." He began writing several characters and their translations on the electronic board.

"Ai... love," the class dutifully repeated. "Bo... stick."

"Ai... Bo... love... stick."

That was more than enough to set the gears turning in the infernal machine that was Chu-Chu's brain. She had a one-track mind, and that one track was hardcore human-on-human action. Selphie's band? She was in it for the groupies. Japanese class? Maybe they'd get around to learning about bukkake eventually. Math tests? "3 x 4 =" was a prompt for Gundam Wing yaoi, wasn't it?

And now the ultimate solution to her chronic sex deprivation had fallen right into her hands.

"Exchuse me!" she proclaimed. "Chu-Chu has chu go to the bathroom!" She sprung out of her seat and hopped out of the room as fast as she could.

Yes, her AIBO was missing something. But there was nothing that she couldn't fix. She had the technology. She could rebuild it. Better. Stronger. Hornier.

* * *

When Yuffie returned from decorating the ballroom, she was surprised to find Chu-Chu hunched over her desk working her AIBO, a bunch of spare mechanical parts, copies of Gray's Anatomy and the Kama Chutra, and a Hello Kitty vibrator. Yuffie narrowed her eyes suspiciously. She didn't like the looks of this. "Uh, Chu-Chu? What are you doing?"

"I'm upgrading my AIBO's firmware."

"That sounds gross."

Chu-Chu winked. "You have no idea."

"Ewww."

* * *

Having been unable to find a ride to Esthar in the town of Balamb, Kuja next proceeded to terrorize Balamb Garden itself. His flimsy clothes blew in the sea breeze as he marched up the front steps. Otacon sat there, staring morosely into space and rolling some pocky to console himself.

Kuja grinned wickedly. "Hoho! I thurmithe that you have failed in your attempth to thecure the heart of Quithtith, foolith man!"

"She didn't even like the fanfic I wrote in which she starts a phenomenally successful pop-punk band and dispenses her amazingly level-headed wisdom to thousands of loyal fans," Otacon sighed. "It was a songfic to John Lennon's 'Nutopian International Anthem.'"

"My, that'th thurprithing," Kuja said. "I didn't know your thupid whore had enough tathte not to revel in all your thentheless Quithtith tripe."

Suddenly overcome with another acute bout of self-righteousness, Otacon jumped up and folded his arms. "If you're going to insult Trepe-sama, I'm just going to leave," he declared.

"Thure, fine with me."

"I'm serious; I'm going to leave and I'll never to speak to you again."

"I thaid okay. But, thay, before you depart, have you theen any thailorth around yet?"

Otacton saw he was having little effect on Kuja this way. "You deserve to suffer long and hard for daring to disrespect my soulmate!" he shouted. "I hope you're ... you're raped by wild dogs and shot in the face and banished from civilization for the heresies you've perpetrated!"

Kuja snorted. "Pth! If you were worthy enough to be grathed with the overwhelming thplendor of my fair canary Adel, you would not be thpeaking thuch fallathies! Bethideth, I doubt a cheap thlut like Quithtih could even have a thoulmate."

"But- but- whenever the QuistisBot isn't on IRC, I ask another bot when she last left!" Otacon said defensively. "That means we're a couple, right?"

Kuja sniffed. "I think not, my darling cooperator. You are ill-informed in your dealingth with the fairer thekth. However -" he smoothed down his puffy sleeves and thrust out his chest, his ego swelling far more than his scrawny muscles. "The ladieth love me. Obtherve."

He pranced up the steps to where the Disciplinary Committee was gathered and tapped the first girl he met on the shoulder. "Ekthuthe me, madam. I could not help but be thruck by your overwhelming beauty, your gentle eyeth, your pathionate, eloquent voithe, your..."

Fujin slowly turned and looked him up and down with a steely glare. "YUO = FAGOT!" she concluded and kicked him in the shin.

"Oh, dear me!" Kuja stumbled around in a circle, clutching his leg.

Fujin shrugged and looked back to her comrades. "FREAK."

"Now, as I was saying, as soon as you let Ri-ho-a through the gate, you give the signal, and we'll pour the chocobo's blood down on her," Seifer said.

"Heheh," Raijin chortled. "She'll never know what's coming, ya know? This will be the best SeeD ball ever!"

Kuja frowned. He tapped Fujin again. She turned more quickly this time and scowled at him. "WHAT?"

"Ah, my thweet canary, thith TheeD ball that you thpeak of... I'm thure a lady ath thunning ath you mutht have many thuitors, but might I be given the pleathure of accompanying you, perchanthe?"

Fujin kicked him in the other shin. "GO BACK 2 CUBA YUO BUTTPOPE!" As Kuja tried to hobble away, Fujin kicked him in the rear for good measure. Kuja fell to the ground.

"Thtop! My ath hurth!" he pleaded, rolling around in pain. "I wath juth athking!"

"Kuja? You need ball date? I go with you!"

Kuja looked up and saw Quina standing over him. "I, ah..." He rose to his hands and knees and looked down the stairs. Otacon was still watching him. "Yeth, I thuppothe."

Quina nodded vigorously, his tongue flopping all over the place. "Really!? I... so happy..."

* * *

Zell caught Chu-Chu just as she was leaving her room. "Here's your Earthian tapes back," he said, handing the set over to Chu-Chu.

"Oh," Chu-Chu said. "Did chu enjoy them?"

"No. Do you have more?"

"Do I have more? Of course I do, baby." She nodded towards her open door. "Go take chu-ur pick; I've got more yaoi and yuri than chu can shake Rico-sama's throbbing green wiggly at."

"Okay," Zell said. "Wait, yuri is the stuff with chicks, right? I don't want that."

"Well, yes, but 'yaoi and yuri' is really just a synonym for yaoi. Okay, I got chu go find some parts. Have fun!" She bounced off, feeling much better about herself. Today was shaping up to be a good day after all - she was well on her to building herself the ultimate sex machine, and now she'd finally met someone at Garden to talk about yaoi with. Yes, she certainly loved gay guys. Even if they didn't love her.

Zell poked his head around the door to see if Yuffie was inside. She was -- hunched over her computer updating her journal again, of course. Zell moved stealthily inside and peered over her shoulder to see what she was writing. "Gawd. Zell just won't stop complaining about how he's homophobic or whatever. I am, like, totally sick of people who just whine about their problems and don't have any solutions in mind. Like, what am I supposed to do? Whatever."

Yuffie turned and instinctively covered the screens with her hands. "Zell?"

"Oh! Um, uh..." He couldn't very well ask his supposed girlfriend where to find gay porn. "Uh, Chu-Chu asked me to get one of her tapes for her; where are they?"

"Like, the gross ones? In the cabinet in the corner." Yuffie turned back to the monitor and resumed clattering away on the keyboard.

"Okay, thanks." Zell opened the cabinet and beheld the Holy Grail of fangirldom: Dozens upon dozens of yaoi and other hentai manga, videos, and doujinshi. They ranged from classics like Satoshi Urushihara's timeless masterpiece Naked Girls And Big Robots to modern hits like Squall And Rinoa Break Up And Then Squall Has Sex With Seifer and Zidane Rescues Kuja From Iifa And Then They Have Sex. Locked away in a special protective glass box was Chu-Chu's personal favorite, Bondage Ferrets.

Gundam Wing! That was it! Zell finally remembered the name of the show as his eyes fell on a folder labeled "GW Yaoi." He opened it up and discovered several dojinshi worth of steamy, uncensored CheneyxBush action. Grimacing, Zell quickly slammed the folder shut and instead grabbed several Ai no Kusabi tapes.

Zell hesitated on his way out of the room. It was now or never. Assuming, that is, that he did still want to go to the SeeD ball with Yuffie... which he did, if he could. He stood silent for some time, trying to calm himself so he wouldn't sound like too much of a dork when talking to her. "Say, uh, Yuffie," he began.

"Hey, guys." Irvine strolled into the room. Zell turned to stare viciously at him, wondering if he could force him to leave with ESP. Irvine casually reached under the bed and retrieved Selphie's X10 WIRELESS VIDEO CAMERA.

"I need to borrow this for tonight," Irvine explained. As he turned to leave, he stopped and glanced down at the tapes in Zell's hand out of passing interest. "Are you watching yaoi? That's gross, man."

Caught by surprise, Zell jerked the tapes protectively close to his chest. "Dude, you're the one who keeps trying to convince Selphie to get it on with Quistis," he protested.

"Yeah, but that's different!" Irvine immediately responded. Realizing how vague that statement was, he fumbled for a reason. "I mean... you know... it just is."

Yuffie glared over her shoulder. "Um, would you mind, like, having this conversation somewhere else? 'Cause, like, I'm trying to write here."

Selphie raced into the room, pulling her hair in exasperation. "Yuffieeeeee >_<! Mikoto just bought up all the raffle tickets X_X!" She stopped and cringed upon seeing the subject of the raffle in the room. "Oh, uh, hi, Irvine. What are you doing my with X10 WIRELESS VIDEO CAMERA?"

"Uh, nothing," Irvine said, quickly stuffing the device in his coat pocket.

"GAWD!" Yuffie spun around in her swivel chair. "I'm trying to write here! All of you get out of my room!"

Startled by Yuffie's outburst, the three SeeDs slinked guilty out of the room. Satisfied, Yuffie turned back to her computer. "People just keep me yelling at me 'n stuff; I wish they'd all go away," she typed, then proceeded to transcribe the complete lyrics to Guitar Vader's "Leave Me Alone."

* * *

No sooner had Zell stepped out of Yuffie's room than Rinoa marched by in another socialist vegetarian feminist anarchist atheist fury. With one hand, she was carrying a wooden picket sign reading "TAKE BACK THE NIGHT - END TENTACLE RAPE!"; with the other, she was dragging her equally wooden boyfriend. "It's time to overthrow the systemic hegemony of the privileged power elite! Unite and resist!"

Normally, Zell would have more than happy to bicker with her about the finer points of their anti-establishment crusade du jour, or accuse her of being a poser. Now, however, he saw in her an uncomfortable reminder of his halcyon days of myopic directionless anger, when every problem had the same cause - The Man was doing it for the oil - and the same solution - blasting The New Delhi Section songs.

While Selphie and Irvine quickly hustled away to avoid Rinoa's tirade, Zell approached her. "Say, uh, I'm interested in, uh, overthrowing the systemic hegemony of the... um, the privileged power elite."

"Zell, you are the priviledged power elite."

"I know, but I-" His eyes landed on Rinoa's Falun Gong Show T-shirt and he fell silent. He wanted to side with her, to escape into that glorious world of naïvety. But much as he longed to be like her, he simply could not force himself into the proper frame of mind. It wasn't in him.

There was only one response his jaded self could formulate.

"FALUN GONG SHOW ARE FUCKING SELL-OUTS!! Punk, my ass; the entire 'Fuck Various Things I Don't Like' record was an obvious stylistic rip-off of the Flying Strangler Babies' seminal 1985 LP 'Edwin Meese Blows Polar Bears For Crack Money.' And Aspenshade Cooldonald's shitty, tone-deaf songwriting is no match for the tightly-constructed harmonies of good pop-punk bands like Screamo the Clown or Pocky Jesus. Worst. Band. Ever."

"Screw you, Zell; Flying Strangler-Babies suck my left Fallopian tube! Falun Gong Show is popular because they're good! You're just being brainwashed by the co-opted culture machine, you dirty capitalist uriner!" Rinoa looked defiantly away from him and tugged on Squall's arm. "Come on, Squall, forget Zell; we've got work to do at Food Not Bob-Ombs."

"...whatever."

As Rinoa and Squall walked away, Zell bellowed after them, "Falun Gong Show sucks your Fallopian tube more! They're only popular because Cooldonald is a frickin' bishounen pretty-boy teenybopper poseur! Hell, Selphie's stupid band is better than them!" His temper sought a new target, but in the absence of any opposition, his thoughts were forced to settle on the fact that he'd screwed up once again.

Dammit! Whomever he was with, he disagreed with. It was like the "Booyaka!" incident all over again, except this time he was painfully aware of how stupid everyone - including himself - was being. He had no ideals, no dreams, no crusade that he could devote his life to. He was just a bunch of rationalizations, shooting down every complaint that other people raised. Because he knew that disillusionment was never really about not fitting in with the world's ideas; it was about fitting in with all the people pushing the virtues of disillusionment. And the only thing he had to be disillusioned with was disillusionment. He sighed. It was an awful thing, knowing the world wasn't a bad place when so many other people thought it was. Really, what was the value of being an objective guy in a subjective world? Why was being punished for having the sense to see through rhetoric and hypocrisy? He sat down, leaned back against the wall, and drew his knees up against his face.

Selphie returned alone. "Something wrong, Zell ;_;?"

"I hate the world," Zell said without looking up.

"Aww, come on, cheer up ^_^. Life is beautiful ^___^;;!"

"Yeah, that's the problem."

"Huh O_O;;;?"

Zell looked up from his shelter, his bitterness overtaking him again. "If the world's so damn nice already, then what does it need me for?" he snapped. "What difference is another whiny, angsty middle-class white guy going to make? I'm just a leech! The only expectation I can rebel against is society's expectation that I rebel against society's expectations."

"You are so weird XP," Selphie giggled. She reached into her dress pocket and produced an extra pair of SeeD ball tickets. "Anyway, I got you and Yuffie tickets for -"

"I'm not going."

Selphie narrowed her eyes dangerously. "Oh, yes, you are ¬_¬. I didn't go to all this work getting you two together just so you could skip out on the ball >_<. C'mon, you silly-billy, you're not alone; don't be so hard on yourself ^_^."

Didn't she understand? That was half the problem. He didn't want there to be other people like him -- that meant that he was just another whiny teenager instead of a unique, tragically misunderstood figure with a shocking, heart-rending tale of noble suffering to tell. "It doesn't matter; I'm not going."

Selphie waved the tickets. "Fine, I'll just hang on to these and when you're through being a dork, you can pick them up from me ¬_¬. Please don't let me down. Or, um, Yuffie either ^^. You don't have to get so upset over the most trivial things.... just think about all the good things you do ;_;."

Zell stood up. "Don't friggin' bother, Selphie," he snapped. "I'm tired of this 'You're a better person than you think!' crap. Blah blah talented person blah blah hang in there blah blah. Anyone can give me an argument why I shouldn't be like this. I need someone who knows I'm not like this." He marched off, his angry stomps and quivering fists indicating he did not plan to discuss this further.

Selphie shook her head. "Boy, someone sure needs a hug :PPP."

* * *

The Shinra Corporation. A vast, galaxy-spanning conglomerate whose power knew no limits. Its soldiers were feared, its influence humbling, and its authority unquestioned. And ruling over it all was one man.

"Oh, hello there, Red Magnetic Cube," Rufus said in falsetto as he pushed a tiny block into his dollhouse. He switched into a deeper voice as he took the role of the block already inside. "Hello, Frictionless Cube. You're sure looking sexy and frictionless today." "But, Red Magnetic Cube, aren't you still with Blue Magnetic Cube? You two were inseparable!" "No, Frictionless Cube, we broke up. I think Blue Magnetic Cube is interested in sticking to other blue magnetic cubes ... you know, to expand its horizons a little."

The cubes were suddenly snatched out of the dollhouse by Reno. "Rufus, you need help, man," he said. "You're getting delusional."

"Give me back my muses, you wiseass uncultured ninny," Rufus smirked.

"This is for your own good, boss. Rufus, look at yourself. You're the president of the Shinra Corporation and you're in here playing with Lego block puzzles and a dollhouse. Admit it, you have a Lolocon. You're turned on by block puzzles."

"Yeah, so what?" Rufus smirked. "I think you need to be a little more open-minded about other people's furnisexuality, Reno. I bet you haven't even read that Tetris lemon I sent you. Well, let me tell you, Reno, there will come a day when 'T-Block Does Dallas' will be recognized as a key piece of furnisexual literature - a powerful statement about freedom and personal identity and... and... and uncensored block-on-block action! Explicit penetration! Hot five-player Tetrinet fuckfests! Sexy barely-legal Z blocks! Steamy Tetrises captured on hidden camera! I'm like the next Martin Luther King, Jr., man."

"Boss, no offense, but if you think posting badly-written fanfics on the Internet is going to change what people think about you, I think you're the one who needs to be a little more open-minded."

"Listen, Reno," Rufus smirked, "my definition of 'open-minded' means letting people do whatever the hell they want to do, no matter how stupid it is, if it's not harming anyone else. And I don't care what your definition of 'open-minded' is."

"Oh, right, now I'm a close-minded bigot for not being interested in pornography intended for people of other sexual orientations."

Rufus narrowed his eyes. "I see ... you've come here to oppress Blue Magnetic Cube because it prefers other magnetic blocks of the same color, haven't you?"

"No, because, as far as I'm concerned, 'Blue Magnetic Cube' can go screw itself up its ass and form a Klein bottle of self-screwing and then rotate itself 90 degrees perpendicular to our dimension and unmake its own existence."

"Hey, you leave my muses out of this!" Rufus rose angrily from his chair and seized Reno by the collar. "They're already going through a lot right now and they don't need you! Red Magnetic Cube and Blue Magnetic Cube just broke up, and the dresser in Dr. Leo's Manor found out the potted plant was having an affair with one of the town models! And Frictionless Cube was raped by Sydney!"

Reno jerked out of Rufus' grasp and backed away. "Oh, for cryin' out loud. Don't tell me you believe that this is what really what these people do."

* * *

It was not, of course, what those people really did, for at that moment in Léa Monde, Sydney Losstarot was climbing into bed not with Frictionless Cube but with John Hardin.

"I, er, didn't know that was prosthetic too," Hardin said as Sydney undressed.

Sydney caressed his cheek. "Oh, you better believe it, John," he said. "I built this baby up to a +43 piercing affinity just for you."

They started to have sex. Hardin squirmed uncomfortably. "Sydney, I love you, but I... I have to say this ... your penis has an earth affinity and I'm water-affinty."

"That's great; together we'll make mud."

"But.. it'll take us hours to climax at this rate."

Sydney withdrew. "Oops, I was using the wrong head. Hold on." He disassembled his manhood and began searching through the large collection of parts he kept on him at all times. "Let's see ... this one has a +23 water affinity, but -15 human affinity. I guess I need a penis with a human affinity, water element, and piercing damage." He looked over at Hardin, who was still lying in bed beside him. "Hold on just a second while I adjust my equipment."

Sydney climbed out of bed and knelt to work with his parts. "Let's see... ooh, here's my +40 human affinity head. You wouldn't believe how long I had to spend having sex with goblins in the mines to build this thing up. But it only works with edged penises; we probably don't want to use that. Oh! I forgot to change my gems!"

Sydney removed the two "jewels" attached to his "polearm" and sorted through his large collection to find two jewels that increased his earth and human affinities. He then proceeded to cast twenty different statistic-modifying spells on himself before climbing back into bed.

"Your strength rating is still too low," Hardin said. "Maybe if you had a damascus penis instead of that lowly hagane one."

Sydney sighed. Leaving his partner in bed, he departed the room and wandered around the city until he located a workshop. After trying myriad combinations, he finally found a way to combine two shafts to form a mighty damascus ball mace. Sydney then added a magic protective amulet to prevent Hardin from catching damascus crabs.

Sydney returned to the bedroom with his new phallus attached to his body. "Check out the targeting sphere on this!" he exclaimed. Hardin did not react. Sydney crossed the room to see what was the matter. "Oh, bother. He's fallen asleep."

Something small, pink, and furry dashed into the room. "Sydney-sama!" it squealed. "I need chu borrow some prosthetics from chu!"

Sydney reached for his pants to cover himself. "Ye gods, off to the gaol with ye, ye... ye..." He paused to consult his well-used copy of Richard Scarry's Big Book of Pretentious Medieval Lingo. "...licentious fricatrice!"

"I'm not a licentious fricatrice. I'm Chu-Chu." Chu-Chu kicked Sydney in the shin. Sydney smacked Chu-Chu across the head with one of his unused metal penises. Chu-Chu cast a healing spell on herself and kicked him in the shin again. This continued for another thirty minutes until Chu-Chu finally knocked him out. She frowned. "Oops, he didn't drop the head I was looking for." She left the room and returned. Sydney was back on his feet, and Chu-Chu began to beat on him again.

* * *

At last, it was time for the SeeD ball. To Selphie's great relief, Yuffie had finally mustered up enough social skills to speak to Zell again, and the couple was now somewhere near the front of a long line of students outside the Garden ballroom. In front of the arched doorway, Fujin was hitting up Irvine and Mikoto for their tickets.

Yuffie frowned. Gawd, what was she doing at a dance? Selphie had kept telling her to just relax and have fun, but what was fun about going to a dance? Fun was polishing her Materia collection or compiling the new Linux kernel, not having to do awful work like this. And was she just supposed to pretend that Zell hadn't been checking out Chu-Chu's yaoi tapes or what? She just wanted to know what was going on here. She hated it people whined in vagaries, when they were just coherent enough to elicit your pity but not enough to ruin the effect by opening the possibility of someone actually helping them with their problem. This was all just like that time you-know-who posted those things on her journal and... ugh, she wasn't going to talk about that.

"TICKET?"

"Selphie's got 'em," Zell said. Assuming that explanation was good enough, he tried to continue on into the ballroom.

Fujin immediately thrust an arm out to block him. "FORBIDDEN."

"Gawd, come on, I'm on the Garden Festival Committee, you can let us in."

"TICKET," Fujin insisted.

"Look, Selphie has them; can't you just let us in and she'll give 'em to you when she gets here?" Zell pleaded.

Fujin shook her head. "WAIT."

Zell looked at Yuffie and shrugged in defeat. The pair stood to the side and waited until Selphie reached the front of the line, accompanied by her date. Zell blinked. Quistis and Selphie? Dammit, was everyone here gay except him? Zell closed his eyes and tried to steel himself. He knew he couldn't run away this time; that he had to talk to them. Don't say anything offensive, he told myself. Just say "Hi." You can do it. It's not hard.

"Zell?" Yuffie peered quizically at him. "Zell, why are you, like, acting all weird? You're, like, hyper-ventilating 'n stuff."

You have to treat them just like you would any other person. Don't act any differently, aside from trying really hard to not act differently. Dammit, wait, that doesn't make sense. How could he make a special effort not to treat them differently when the very act of making a special effort not to treat them differently was treating them differently? Think of something quick, man! Come on, come on, just act normal, don't get stressed. Hurry, you've got to calm down now, come on, come on...

"Hi, Zell ^_^," Selphie said.

He jumped. "SUCK RHINO NUTZ, U PHATTY DYKES!" he screamed before he had any clue of what he was doing. Everyone just stared at him. "Oh crap!" Zell shouted and fled into the ballroom.

"TICKET!" Fujin called after him.

Further back in the line, Nida sighed. "Now why can't he do that to me? And I'm actually gay, too."

Fujin seized Selphie by her collar. "TICKETS, WHERE?"

"Geez, hold on >_<." Selphie shrank back and produced four tickets from her uniform pocket. "Here's mine and Quisty's, and these are Yuffie's and Zell's."

Fujin relaxed and calmly took the tickets from Selphie. "PROCEED," she said, stepping aside to allow the trio to enter the ballroom.

Selphie stared at Yuffie's T-shirt and loose-fitting jeans and giggled. How typically Yuffie. "You know, this is supposed to be a formal dance XP," she teased.

"Whatever."

* * *

Zell ran madly through the ballroom, dodging between dancers, trying in vain to somehow could outrun his problems. He scrambled up the stairs along the side of the arch over the door. He didn't want to have to own up to what he'd done, admit that he'd messed up again, acknowledge that he was an uncontrollable homophobic bigot.

Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he glimpsed Kuja. Zell looked down and saw the Genome entering the ballroom accompanied by that scary blue... thing from the cafeteria -- Zell wasn't sure if it was male or female, though either way it was an oddly fitting partner. Zell crouched down so Kuja wouldn't notice him. The last thing he needed now was Kuja hitting on little old homophobic him.

Zell reached the top of the arch, where he found Seifer and Raijin crouching behind a huge pitcher of chocobo's blood. Dammit, another guy who was gay! They were all over! Everyone was gay and bishounen and happy and important -- except him!

"I can't take this anymore!" he suddenly screamed. Some of the people on the dance floor stopped to look up at him, and Zell addressed them in angry shouts. "Hey, all you minorities! You don't know how good you've got it! You guys have plenty of things to fight for! I don't have a damn thing! I'm a white, upper middle class straight guy -- I'm not supposed to have anything to complain about! I could be out raising money for muscular dystrophy and all I'm doing is sitting around arguing about punk bands and video games! I hate myself!"

Quistis and Nida came jogging up the steps behind him. "Zell!"

"But I never asked to be content, okay? I hate being content! I wish I could be a deaf one-armed Native American lesbian diabetic paraplegic working single mother! Then I'd actually be justified in having a beef with everybody! And everyone would have to go out of their way to accomodate me!" Zell had attracted quite an audience by now. Raijin and Seifer, however, were still intent on balancing the pitcher of blood.

"Zell," Quistis repeated.

"What really pisses me off is that there's nothing I can be pissed off about! I mean, I want to stick it to The Man just like you, but I am The Man! It's so unfair that you get to have an inherent moral superiority just because you were lucky enough to be born into an under-priviledged family! Blessed are the persecuted, right? Well, I want to be blessed too, but I've been waiting for years and no one will persecute me!"

"ZELL!"

Zell finally stopped long enough to glance over his shoulder to look at her.

"Zell, you've got us all confused," Quistis said. "Have you been trying to tell us that's you're homosexual or that you're homophobic?"

"I don't know!" Zell snapped. "Both! Neither! Whatever!" He bowed his head, in obvious pain. "Hyne, I just wish I was normal again! Why can't Kuja just hit on someone else?"

Quistis briefly rolled her eyes and tapped her foot, having no patient for Zell's theatrics. "Come on, make up your mind; I've got 2000 gil riding on this."

"Whoa, wait a second!" Raijin rose to his feet. "Zell, you thought you were homophobic because Kuja was hitting on you?"

"I guess that's where it started, yeah."

Seifer looked up. "That doesn't make you homophobic, chickenwuss. It just means you don't like albino freaks who are more overexposed than Gary Condit in a nudist colony. Dumbass."

"Yeah!" Raijin agreed. "It's not like you can't ever hate people who happen to be gay, ya know? I mean, I'm gay and I hate Kuja too!"

As the conversation narrowed in on his sexuality, Kuja had been coming slowly to the realization that they were operating under some erroneous information. He turned and shouted up, "I'm thtraight, you dumbatheth!"

"What? You're straight? You?" Zell overcame his momentary disbelief - Kuja had looked about as straight as the Leaning Tower of Pisa - and pondered the logical implications of this. "Then... that means you weren't really hitting on me! I went through all this for nothing! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!" He gave the pitcher of chocobo's blood a mighty shove. It toppled over, spilling its contents down in a torrent on Kuja. The Terran stood in silence, not even attempting to move out of the way as the column of sticky blood drenched him and his flimsy clothing. So shocking was his silence that those around him backed away in fear of what he would do next.

When the humiliation was over at last, Kuja roared in anger. A ray of light extended up from body and expanded, enveloping in purple light Kuja's hair began to grow and he began to glow pink. Fur sprouted from his skin, replacing what little clothing he was wearing. He clenched his fists and took off into the air of his own accord.

"Oh no!" Mikoto gasped. "He's gone Super Terra-jin!"

Super Terra-jin Kuja flew up to the platform where Zell was standing. "I'll send you to the next dimension!" he declared, charging up an energy beam between his hands.

"Flock off, feather face, or find out the hard way!" Zell retorted. He crouched into a fighting stance, his fists quivering.

Kuja hurled the beam of energy at the archway. The platform crumbled into pieces and collapsed, its occupants disappearing inside the huge cloud of dust. "ZELL!" Yuffie shrieked a little more loudly than she expected. She blushed and clutched a hand to her mouth.

"Don't worry; they're okay!" Squall said. "I can see their parachutes!"

Quistis stumbled out of the smoke. "Yuffie!" she gasped. "Quick, we need to do the Fusion Dance!"

"Huh?"

Quistis seized her by the wrist. "Just follow my lead."

Meanwhile, Super Terra-jin Kuja unleashed a torrent of fireballs down on the ballroom, setting the walls ablaze and igniting numerous smaller fires. One of the fireballs hit the crystal chandlier; it fell and crushed two dancing students. "Oh my God, they killed Biggs and Wedge!" someone shrieked.

Kuja raised a huge sphere of fire over his head. Dancers fled screaming in all directions as the globe separated itself from his hands and rose up, growing larger and larger. "I'm going to dethroy Garden in five minuteth!" Kuja declared.

Suddenly, a new combatant came springing through the rubble. "I'm a spunky young female thief with a rich, important father!" Rikku declared. "And I have blonde hair, a pinkish-red outfit, and several belts!"

"Oh my God!" Squall gasped. "It's Yuffie and Quistis combined!"

"I'm two, two, two people in one!" Rikku reached into a bag hanging from her belt and fished out thirteen shining Zodiac Stones. She raised them aloft. They started to glow and Leviathan appeared curled in the air.

"YES?" Leviathan asked.

"I wish Zell back to life!" Rikku declared.

Zell sat up, rubbing his head. "Huh?" Kuja immediately hurled another energy blast at Zell and killed him again.

"Um, I wish Zell back to life a second time!"

Zell sat up, rubbing his head. "Huh?" Kuja immediately hurled another energy blast at Zell and killed him again.

"This is retarded," Mikoto observed as she and Irvine watched the battle from lawn chairs. "Couldn't they think of a real ending? This goes on forever and is just people arguing. And now that I've categorized this story with sweeping comments, it has no reason to exist and I'm obviously smarter than all of you. By the way, Cowboy Bebop rules."

"But shouldn't you do something, Mikoto?" Irvine asked. "I mean, you're a Terran too..."

Mikoto just shrugged.

"But Kuja's going to destroy Garden in..." Irvine looked down at his watch. "...five minutes."

"Oh, we've got plenty of time."

With an excited whoop Selphie raced up to Irvine and hugged him. "IRVINE! There you are ^___^!"

"Hey!" Mikoto snapped. "He's my date, remember?"

Selphie dragged Irvine out of the chair as he returned the embrace. "Come on; I've got some secret weapons in my room ^^." The pair ran off together.

"Listen, I paid for those raffle tickets myself!" Mikoto sprung to her feet, absolutely livid. She wasn't going to let Selphie foil her attempts to steal her boyfriend. "Dammit, you get back or I'm reporting you to the Better Business Bureau! Why this makes so mad I..." She clenched her fists in anger and her hair started to grow...

Episode 202: The Young Girl Is A Mighty Warrior Too! Mikoto's Powerful Transformation

Kuja's head jerked to the side as he saw Super Terra-jin Mikoto flying towards him. "Mikoto," he dismissed her with a condescending snort. "My Tranthe level is 528,073, compared to your meathly Trance level of 476,282!"

Mikoto stopped screaming incoherently long enough to fire a blue beam of light from her left hand. "Ha! That's because I was only fighting with 43% of my true power!" she yelled. "Now I'm going to fight with 63% of my true power!" She started screaming incoherently again, but louder.

"Grrrrrrraaah!" Kuja's body glowed. His hair and tail turned red and grew even more. "Now I'm a Thuper Terra-jin 2! It'th jutht like Thuper Terra-jin but it'th, uh, more thuper! And my Trance level is now 1,048,231! Beat that!"

Selphie and Irvine came running back, their arms loaded with Selphie's hefty supply of hair care products. "Mikoto, here ^___^!" Selphie hurled a can of Shiseido brand mousse up into the air.

Mikoto caught it. "Na na na na na," she sang as she started to rub the mousse into her hair.

"Hurry, Mikoto!" Irvine urged. "You've only got, uh, five minutes left!"

Mikoto pulled her hair up into huge spikes. "SUPAA HAADO!" she cried as she powered up to a Super Terra-jin 2. "Now I've raise my Trance level to 74.38246891% of my true power!" She held out her left hand and started to charge up another blue beam. "MA... MI... MU... ME... MO!" she cried, her mouth never quite seeming to close as she spoke.

"Well, I'm uthing my Liliuokalani x 5,000 to raithe my Tranthe level to 2,982,948!" Kuja hurled a color-coded red beam at Mikoto. The two beams collided, freezing them both halfway to their target.

"Yes, but... I am not left-handed!" Mikoto switched her beam to her right hand and blasted Kuja in the chest.

Kuja hurled a beam at Mikoto with his own right hand. "Neither am I!"

37 episodes later...

"I've been training in twenty timeth Terra'th gravity! You cannot hope to defeat me!" Kuja said as he powered up another Mamimumemo. "By the way, I'm now fighting with 81.4759656% of my true power."

"Yes, well, I've been training in twenty-one times Terra's gravity! Beat that!"

Kuja just sort of stopped and stared at her, dumbfounded. Puzzled, Mikoto stared back at him. Surely Kuja must have some hidden power he hasn't unveiled yet! Kuja, however, was stumped. What sort of retort could he strike back with this time? Perhaps could he proclaim that he'd been training in twenty-two times Terra's gravity? Or that he'd perfected his devastating new Homodachiken attack? "Wait! I know! I'll go Super Duper Mystic Mega Terra-jin 44!"

"I didn't know there was a Super Duper Mystic Mega Terra-jin 44 form," Mikoto said.

"There ith now!" Kuja clenched his fists and his hair, now reaching several yards down towards the ground, grew still more. "Ha-HA! I am the printhe of all Terranth onthe again!"

"Well, I'm, uh, the queen!"

"Yeth, but I am the King ... of No Panth!"

"You are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Hi, guys!" Chu-Chu crawled over the rubble of the archway. Her AIBO, now with a large mechanical phallus protruding from its crotch, was tucked under her arm. She quickly presented her ticket to Fujin, then jogged over to Selphie, Irvine, and Rikku and held her sex robot up for display. "Look, I fixed up my AIBO with this stylish steampunk cock! I call him 'Benny.'" She patted it proudly on the head.

"Please don't use the word 'steampunk' that way," Rikku said. "It makes me want to cry."

"Hey, chu have no idea how many block puzzles Chu-Chu had chu go through chu get this."

"Oh, you think had it rough?" Irvine nodded towards Mikoto, Kuja, and Zell. "They've been going at it for 37 episodes."

"37!?" Chu-Chu gasped. "In a row?"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Yes, and if Mikoto doesn't hurry up and finish him off, he's going to destroy Garden in..." Irvine looked at his watch again. "...five minutes."

"We seem to have escaped the space-time continuum," Rikku observed dryly.

Chu-Chu set Benny down on the ground. "Okay! Stand back, everyone; I'm ready chu rumble!" She grew into her giant form (Trance level: 5,084,283) and seized the end of Kuja's long mane of hair. "Get ready chu get your ass kicked chu Galbadia, chu bad man!" She lifted him up in one furry hand and spun him around over her head, then hurled him against one of the half-standing walls. Kuja slumped down against the ground.

Kuja twitched, barely conscious, as he struggled to get back on his feet. Through his blurry vision he saw Benny speeding towards him. The sex robot pounced on him, its tail wagging eagerly. Its "stylish steampunk cock" powered through Kuja's thong and began playing Hot & Cold in his proverbial lagoon.

Kuja thrashed about, trying to get the amorous AIBO off him. "Aaah! "Help! Help! Stop! I'm thorry! I with I'd never come to thith ball!"

"OKAY, BUT ONLY THREE MORE WISHES AFTER THIS. I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS NONSENSE."

* * *

An instant later every trace of Kuja's actions had vanished. The archway was standing again, the walls were unscarred, and even Biggs and Wedge were still alive. Kuja was nowhere to be seen; Benny was humping empty air. Leviathan still floated in the middle of the dome.

"Whoops," Rikku said. "I should have thought of that earlier."

"NO!!" Otacon screamed. Still cosplaying Seifer, he came running through the ballroom doors and pointed his cardboard gunblade at Rikku. "Stop right there, FUNimation Nazis! I demand full uncensored footage of Kuja's ass! How dare you infringe my freedom of speech by editing your own work! And Oozaru Chu-Chu's Trance level is 5,083,178 in the manga, not 5,084,283! And... and Junctioning sucks and it's 'Zeru' not 'Zell' and it's supposed to be 'Ah! My God! They killed my Biggs and Wedge!' and... and Suikoden III is going to be the best RPG ever!"

Fujin rushed up behind him and began assaulting Otacon with a merciless flurry of punches and kicks. She kneed him in the stomach, put him in a headlock, and then hurled him over her shoulder into the hall. She immediately slammed the doors in his face and locked them.

"Whoa!" Irvine exclaimed. "What the hell was that?"

Fujin shrugged. "NO TICKET."

Mikoto settled gently down on the floor. Everyone crowded around Zell's comatose form. Chu-Chu nudged Rikku. "Say, with this fusion dance thing? If we had sex, would that be a threesome?" Rikku just rolled her eyes and turned away.

Rikku raised the Zodiac Stones. "I wish Zell back to life again."

"DONE. YOU HAVE TWO WISHES REMAINING."

Zell immediately sat up. "All right, bastard, th- huh, what happened to Kuja?"

"He wished himself away."

"Oh, uh, cool. Where's Yuffie?"

"Um, half of me is. Hang on." Rikku stepped away from the group to clear room for herself to separate. "Here, hold these for a second," she said as she handed the Zodiac Stones over to Zell. She then raised her hands and glowed, diffusing into Yuffie and Quistis. "Zell!" Yuffie said, kneeling over him. "Are you, like, okay 'n stuff?"

Zell stood up and dusted himself off. "Yeah, I'm okay, I think."

"Oh, that's good," Chu-Chu said. "Chu-Chu wouldn't want chu have to take up necrophilia!"

"Whoa, stop the presses!" Irvine exclaimed. "Did I just hear Chu-Chu hear make reference to a sexual practice she did not want to be involved in?"

"Hey, even I have my standards," Chu-Chu said. She sucked thoughtfully on her thumb. "Well, most of the time, anyway."

Zell looked down at the stones in his hand, considering the possibilities. "Hey, I want to make a wish," he declared.

"YES? THE BOY IN THE 'T-BOARDING IS NOT A CRIME T-SHIRT'?"

"Yeah, uh, I want to wish myself gay."

"DONE."

Zell stared at himself. He knew there would no be visible sign of the change, but he couldn't help but be a little startled that he had instantaneously become a new person. "Whoa, I guess I'm gay now! Cool." Now he could look at yaoi and make out with guys and attend LGBTASDFQWERTY meetings for real. The girls would be all over him! Strangely, though, that didn't seem to have the appeal now that it once did.

In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he started to wonder what guys would think about him. Especially cute bishounen ones. But since Kuja had vanished, he'd have to settle for the really boring gay guys. "Hey, Nida! I guess I'm gay now! Cool, huh?" He felt so proud of himself, just being able to say that he was gay, that he'd overcome the security he'd been granted and achieved a life of blissful resentment and misery.

"Shut up, Zell," Nida said. "I hate you."

"What?" Zell gasped. "What have I ever done to you?"

"Look at how many people you have hanging on every hint of your sexual identity, jackass! Did one single person ever care when I came out? No one talks to me, or cares about what I say, or comes to me for advice when you're feeling suicidal. Not one damn person in this whole school. Everyone is better friends with someone else! Well, everyone I care about, anyway."

Zell suddenly felt very, very guilty. What the hell was he complaining about? Nida had a lot more to complain about than he did. He was just a ingrateful snot who hated himself instead of appreciating what he had. Of course, that only gave him more cause to hate himself, which in turn pushed him another layer of angst away from ever solving his problems. Was this what Nida was trying to do to him? Did he need to hate himself still more to make up for his follies? "Dammit, I hate myself too, man! What more do you want from me?"

"Yes, but at least you have people writing online journal entries about you! My angst is so boring I can't even get an audience for it. Does anyone say 'Gosh, I'm worried about Nida; he seems pretty depressed'? Is anyone shocked by my temper tantrums? When I lose it, people just laugh at me. 'Ha ha, there goes Nida again, let's all laugh at how pissed off he gets when he's ignored.' Hell, no one even cares enough about me to bother including me in their vindictive condemnations of everyone who ever offended them."

"Well, you've still got a name," Zell said. "That's more than the poor pig-tailed library girl could ever hope to have."

Nida sighed and looked away. Someone worse off than him? That was probably true, much as he was loath to admit it: If other people were even more depressed than he was, that meant he was one of the problem people. The people who whined even though they actually did have meaning in their lives. The detestable people who sucked all the attention away from the lone deserving Most Depressed Person In The Universe, wherever he or she was. "I guess you're right," he admitted. "I'm being an ass. I shouldn't complain, but I am, because I'm just a stupid, ingrateful worthless waste of everything."

"Well, that settles it, then," Zell said. "We all friggin' suck."

Irvine rolled his eyes. "Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Zell, Nida, stop being friggin' idiots. You think you're so special? That no one has ever felt this way? Come on, everyone wants to be a deaf one-armed Native American lesbian diabetic paraplegic working single mother sometimes. And we all deal with it. Get over yourself already."

"Dude, I know my problems aren't important!" Zell said. "But that doesn't mean they don't bother me!"

Yuffie crept up behind Zell. Reaching out with her right hand, she carefully placed her thumb and forefingers on opposite sides of one of the Zodiac Stones. She carefully slid it out of Zell's grasp and stuffed it in her pocket. Irvine nodded to her and winked.

"So you're gay now," he continued while Yuffie went to work. "Big deal. Were you expecting to be able to fly and shoot laser beams from your eyes? You're still you. You've still got the same problems. The grass is already going to be greener on the other side. It's just your sexual orientation, Zell, not a magic ticket to finding your place in the world. I mean, look at Nida! He's gay and no one cares about him!"

"Thank you so much for reminding me."

Meanwhile, Yuffie had retrieved another three Zodiac Stones.

"But I don't want to be homophobic!" Zell whined. "Or racist, or sexist, or whatever the hell else I am!"

"Zell, none of us ever accused you of being any of those things," Quistis insisted.

"Yeah, but..."

Yuffie increased her Zodiac Stone count to seven. "Zell, the only homophobic thing you've ever done is assume that fighting discrimination and oppression is just for fun," Quistis said. "And that's more naïve than anything else. You've never had to deal with terrible, life-shattering events; you don't know what it's like. Homophobia, racism, sexism, poverty, physical disabilities, and Hyne knows whatever else you wanted to experience wouldn't seem like games to you if you had to live with them every day. Believe me, it will be a wonderful day indeed when the only thing anyone has to complain about is 'punk bands and video games' and the proper romantic pairings of Digimon characters."

Three more Zodiac Stones silently made their way out of Zell's hand.

"Yeah, man, you need to appreciate what you've got," Irvine said. "Don't let all the struggle people have gone through to let you live in peace and comfort go to waste. You're making a mountain out of a molehill again. Life's too cool to waste getting worked about something that doesn't matter. Don't be like Otacon. Chill out a little. Smile."

Yuffie slipped the last Zodiac Stone out of Zell's grasp. She held up the complete set. "Hey, uh, I, like, want to make a wish."

"YES? THIS IS THE LAST ONE."

"Um, I want you to make Zell, like, back the way he was 'n stuff."

"DONE." Leviathan curled up and vanished.

Zell was stunned. His once-in-a-lifetime wish had finally been granted -- and then taken away from just like that! He stared vaguely ahead, jaw agape, trying to figure out what to make of what Yuffie had done. He was pissed off that he'd had his newfound homosexuality taken away ... but he couldn't understand why Yuffie would want to do something like that. "But... but... I could have been gay!" he said, turning to face his new tormentor. "I was going to be a nice guy... a useful guy for once!"

"But, like... you already were," Yuffie spat it out quickly before her self-consciousness got the better of her. "I mean, I... we liked you just the way you were, you know? You don't have to get so, like, hyper-sensitive about everything." Blushing profusely, she looked down and shuffled her feet. What the hell was she doing? She didn't know how Zell was going to take this, and she was going to so embarassed about it later... but she really did mean it. Although maybe she shouldn't have criticized him like that. "But, um," she started to backpedal, "uh, I think it's really sweet that you have, like, such a conscience and care so much about other people, and stuff." She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, then quickly shrunk back, horrified. Oh, Gawd, I can't believe I just did that.

Zell blushed. "Oh, um..." He rubbed the back of his neck, now embarassingly giddy but still at a loss for words. "Well, I, um... Yuffie, why didn't you...?"

"I didn't know what to say!" Yuffie wailed. "I mean... like, of course I care, but what was I supposed to do? I mean, Gawd, I'm not a psychiatrist; I don't know what to say to make your problems better. And, like, I didn't want to make things worse if I said something wrong..." Feeling guilty now, she bowed her head and looked away. "Sorry; I guess I should have said something more."

"You did enough," Zell assured her. He stepped forward and hugged Yuffie. Yuffie awkwardly returned the embrace. "Thanks." Zell paused, searching for what to say next, and in that moment of hesitation everything hit him. In an outburst of sobs, he clung to her as tightly as he could. "Thanks; I..." He stopped and drew back, not sure where he was going and too choked up to really talk anyway. Instead, he just hugged her again. "Yeah, thanks."

Selphie beamed. "Awwwww ^___^;;;!!!" she gushed. "How sweet ^___^."

Irvine grinned and put his arm around her. "Speaking of which, Sefie," he whispered, "isn't it about time we went and got... uh, what's the word they're using these days?"

"Apocryphal?"

* * *

A week after the original abortive dance, the ballroom was again populated by dancing couples: Squall and Rinoa. Selphie and Irvine. Zell and Yuffie, the latter of whom had just fallen down for the umpteenth time and was being helped back to her feet by her partner. "This music fucking sucks," Zell was saying. "Who picked out this shit, anyway?" Cid and Edea. Quistis and Xu. Seifer and Fujin. Kuja and Mikoto. Even Nida and Raijin.

And watching them all from the entrance with loathing blazing in her eyes was one lonely little creature. It wasn't fair! Why was everyone else getting to score but her? Even her AIBO had run off with Angelo. She wanted chu have hot monkey sex too! Why was she getting left behind? It was like she defective or something. Like she needed to be sent to back to the factory to have her bishie magnet parts installed. Just because she was... pink. And furry. And three feet tall.

Perhaps it was time to start saving her gil for a RealHamster.

A shadow fell over her from behind. "Hey, baby," a familiar squeaking voice said. "Why the glum look?"

Chu-Chu jumped. She looked over her shoulder and her eyes widened in rapture.

"FRANZ!"

Yes, yes, and then... Chu-Chu and her friend got together and rejoiced over their reunion... It was natural for them to have a party and their sweet, dangerous night went on and on... Just like a never-ending dream... No, let's not... It's a whole other story...

---

AMERICAN AIBO 2: ANGST FOR NOTHING

Written, directed, and produced by: Fritz Fraundorf
Original concept by: Fritz Fraundorf
Kuja's hairstyling: Bird Studios
Selphie's wardrobe: Rosa-Candida
Yuffie's wardrobe: Jean Teasdale for Fashion Bug
Chu-Chu's wardrobe: Emperor Clothing, Ltd.
Otacon appears courtesy of: Nintendojo
Pocky Jesus appears courtesy of: Cantatrix Records
English-Engrish localization coordinator: Babelfish
Dolphin wrangler: Andrea Hartmann
Dance choreographer: Steve Ballmer
With apologies to: Kevin Smith and Richard Kyanka

Special thanks to:
Jay Corbett
Andrea Hartmann
Tamzen Marie Baker
Kevin Gifford
Clara Pierce
Mike Krahulik & Jerry Holkins
Tom Lillis
Andrew Vestal
Crimsonmonkey
Bobquest3
Davon Alder
Lisa Neff
Silvermist
Nathan McGarrity
Geoff Embree
Chris Jones
Perrin
Iori
Ren
Paul H.
Carlos Tejada
Nich Maragos
Lewis Gentry
Stephen Spratlin
Mikel Tidwell
Arpad Korossy
Yoshitaka Amano
Selece Dragon
Alma Alruhi
Andrew Hicks
Harry Stephen Keeler
Zak McClendon
Victor Ireland
Andrew Kaufmann
Shawn Struck
Charles Vestal
LiveJournal
Acts of Gord
TheSpark.com
Aestheticism.com
The Onion
The Laziest Men on Mars
Wesley Willis
Your Mom

Sponsored in part by:
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This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to or appearance of actual people, places, or events is intended only for purposes of political and social satire. Based on the games by Square and Konami. Zero Wing is the intellectual property of Toaplan or somebody.

A Qu's Marsh Production.

Love and peace!