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Crystal Ice[09.18.01] » by White Crescent My mind raced as I stood before the dark waters splashing
against my feet. Cold they might be, but I didn't mind, I was there for one
thing—death. I, I couldn't control them anymore, the tears that come at night
together with the thoughts and voices that taunted me every night were just too
much. I took several steps; tears were flowing freely down my
cheeks. Did it matter if I made this slow? It was in the middle of the night,
and even if it were day time, who would care? A few more steps—the waters were just a few centimeters
below my knees. I thought back the happenings of the day. We, Selphie, Rinoa,
Irvine, Zell, Squall and me, had gone to here; FH early in the morning to meet
someone I despised—Seifer. I, being his ex-instructor, disagreed. But, I
agreed. Why? Because of Squall, not because he was our commander, no, but
because I was still in love with him. Strange how only months then, I said I
wasn't in love with him, I said it was plain sisterly love. I was fooling them,
and myself. I was still in love, no matter how many times I tried to deny it, I
was. Few steps more—the water was colder, naturally. I looked
down, and smiled at my blurry reflection bitterly. I picked a great time to
commit suicide, the stars were shining brightly in the sky, and the blue moon
shone proudly in its full glory. They had loved this beach; this was the reason
I was able to put my mind off Seifer for a while. I laughed bitterly. I
imagined their surprised faces when they see my dead body, dressed in a
nightgown, lying coldly on the sand. What would they say? Would they, finally,
admit something was wrong? Would they express their sympathy? Or would they
blame me for giving up easily? A few more steps—What had, I asked myself, provoked me to do
this? Was it because of my disappointment when I found out that Squall was
actually giving Seifer a chance? It wasn't. It was because, at lunch, along with Squall's announcement
that he would accept Seifer back at Garden, was the announcement of his
engagement to Rinoa. At that moment, I felt like a thousand knives pierced into
my heart. He was engaged. Gone were my chances of claiming him. Gone. I felt like screaming, and pulling Rinoa's hair. But I did
neither. I even got angry with myself for thinking such thoughts about my
friend. I should be happy, I had told myself, happy that finally Squall would
soon be together with his beloved. Of course, I wasn't, but I concealed my
feelings perfectly. I smiled at them, congratulated Squall, and even told about
the time Squall, as a child, told Matron that he would never get married. They laughed, I did too. For awhile, I thought, so what? I
would move on. But it was all a big fat lie to fool myself. It had hurt so
much, that I cried for all I was worth the minute I was finally in 'my room'.
We were staying in a house the Mayor Dobe had, for us, built. It was a big one,
with rooms for all of us. I could still remember the cold voices that taunted
me just hours before. 'Nobody wants you' one of them said. 'You're weak, useless….that's why you lost your instructor's
license. You just got it back because it would be a shame if Garden didn't
allow one of the people who saved the world to teach.'—That was what hit me. It
pulled me down. No matter how hard I tried to make it come out as a lie, it
sounded true. True, it made me see why my license was taken from me. I didn't
give all my students the same treatment, I wasn't a good leader, I….wasn't a
good example….All of these were true, weren't they? I didn't know. But who cared, it won't really matter if I die, no, it won't.
Because if I die, I'll forget everything, be engulfed by the darkness—dead. If
I lived, what will I have? Sure, I got my license back. I'm one of the best
instructors in Garden. I have fans. But what does all of these mean, when I don't truly deserve
it? When it wasn't me who brought these things, when it was Squall? A few more steps—I couldn't wait, it was all too painful. I
was alone, with nobody to support me…Rinoa had Squall, Zell had his mother, and
soon the library girl, Irvine and Selphie had each other. Even Nida had Xu.
But, me, I have me, no other. I started running, ignoring the waves, the cold, the wind,
everything. I stopped when the waters finally reached my chin. "Goodbye—" I tilted my head up and looked at the
stars shining brightly. I gave myself one last time to admire the beauty of the
same world that provoked me to do this. With one final breath, I, closed my eyes, and smiled, before
letting my legs go further. I let my legs collapse underneath me, then let my world slip
away into a sleep that would lead to darkness. Before I fainted, I heard a
faint call that I thought was made by my mind. It had called my name. "Quistis!" *** I woke up, but didn't open my eyes. Was this it? Was
I….dead? "She'll need to rest. Make sure she stays in that bed
for a week." An old voice stated. No, I realized I wasn't dead. Not yet. Why didn't I die?
Why? Who pulled me out? How? Nobody was there then and even so, I never made
any sound. "Tsk. I wonder what made her do that? Never thought she
was that kind of person." A voice, that I quickly recognized, declared. It
was Seifer's. "Everyone has their limit, Seifer. You almost did that
once, remember?" There was a sound of a chair being dragged. "Yeah, and if it weren't for Fuu and Raijin, I'd be in
pieces right now." Seifer laughed, and strangely I didn't find that laugh
irritating. It wasn't like the laugh I remember. "Well, Seifer, I'll be leaving." I heard footsteps walking away, and the opening of the door,
then everything was quiet. I felt fear engulf me. I was alone, with Seifer! Of
all the people! I was afraid that he would do anything, but strangely….he didn't.
I heard no sound for a few minutes, and then footsteps
again. When the footsteps stopped, I heard the creaking of the door, and then he
said out loud as if he was talking to somebody, "Squall and his friends will flip out when they find
out about this. I'm just glad I'm involved in the good way." Then the door closed. What did he mean by 'involved in the good way'? I had no
idea….then. *** "I'm okay, really." I choked out. They were all in the room, 'my room'. I was in a different
nightgown. Seifer, when I finally decided to talk to him, told me that it wasn't
him who changed my clothes, it was Fujin. Squall stood against the wall,
watching me quietly with concern. Selphie was sitting on the desk with Irving
sitting beside her. They both had concerned faces. Even Zell looked concerned
as he sat at my bedside. They were all with concerned faces, even Seifer who
stood against the wall beside Squall. The liar. Concerned? Seifer?! He was just putting this show,
I thought, to make Squall believe that he was changed. " What made you do that anyway?! You got us all
worried!" Rinoa exclaimed. I smiled. "I guess I got carried I way," I joked. Yeah,
carried away, by my feelings. ", by the big blue moon. They say the moon
makes one forget. I just wanted to have a swim, that's all, guess I
overestimated myself." "This isn't funny, you got yourself almost killed! And
if it weren't for—" She stopped right there, as if there was a lump in her
throat. I also saw her face become a bit troubled. Who? If it weren't for who?!
Tell me! It took a minute until she continued. "If it weren't for Seifer you would have been
dead." The words hit me. Seifer? Seifer had 'saved' me?! So that
was what he meant by being on the good way of being involved'. He, unbelievable
as it might seem, had been the reason that I was still alive. Him. I couldn't
believe it. I…I never thought of that….If he were there…he would have just
watched intently, watching me die. But him? Saved me? Impossible. "Quistis, are you okay?" Selphie's voice brought
me out of my thoughts. She placed a hand over my head. When I didn't answer she
spoke again, "Maybe you should rest more… I think your fever's
rising." I had a fever? "No, I'm okay, really. You mean…" I didn't want to
say it, but if I wanted answers I knew I had to ask a question first.
"…Seifer…saved me?" "Right, we were surprised too! The hell, I was the most
surprised!!" I watched as Zell shot a glare at Seifer. No, I was the most
surprised, not you. "How did it happen?! How….how did you find me?" I
asked Seifer. He gave me a smug smile, and then walked towards me. "You realize your hair is like a road sign?" I
rolled my eyes at his comparison. A road sign, huh? "No, why do you say that?" He sat on the bedside, and Zell quickly went away not
wishing to be close to Seifer. "I was walking last night, couldn't sleep. Then I saw
something yellow in the waters." He smiled. "Yeah, I thought it was
you. I thought you were just swimming, but you weren't paddling or anything.
You were just walking towards the sea. Anyway, I called out your name, but you
didn't answer, then you just disappeared—" So he was the one who called out my name….I..couldn't
believe it….the voice…it sounded…afraid…. "—You were trying to commit suicide weren't you?"
His voice was firm and I almost wanted to slap him for asking that question. I
didn't answer him for a while and I heard Rinoa gasp. "Suicide…." I heard her murmur. But Squall was the
one who asked the question again. "You tried to kill yourself?" he asked calmly. He
didn't sound as if I needed to answer his question. But I answered it, bravely. "I did. I know it was irrational. But I don't need to
tell why, don't I?" He nodded. We all became silent. After several minutes, Squall asked
them to leave. He had said he wanted to talk to me, alone… *** I chuckled. Somehow, my mood changed, I didn't know why, but
I felt lighter. "No, I don't want someone to loose his final chance
because of me. Don't worry, I feel better know. I think I wouldn't mind it even
if you put him in my class." For once, I doubted if it was really me who said those
words. They were all sincere. I..couldn't believe what I had just said. Not
that I regret that I said that….no.. But what I said were all strange…it felt
so natural…so light-hearted. I was feeling something I could not explain.
Somehow I felt as if I finally had someone to rely to. But I relying on Seifer,
was something that I didn't expect… Squall smiled at me. "You wouldn't mind having him in your class, do
you?" "I guess not. Just make sure he's really changed." He smiled again, and walked towards the door. "Don't
worry, he has. And—" he paused as he opened the door. "—I'll make
sure he goes in your class." I playfully frowned at him as he exited. I chuckled at
myself. "What have I gotten myself into.." I muttered, but
I didn't truly mean it. I actually liked that. So what if he tried to make a
whole year miserable for me? If he did then it's bye-bye SeeD for him. In short, I was perfectly sure that he wouldn't make it hard
for me. *** Oh, Raijin returned with Seifer to Garden too.
Unfortunately, Fujin didn't. In fact, after I fully recovered from trying to
kill myself, she just disappeared. I guess it was because she didn't want to go
back to Garden. All I can say, is that Seifer had changed. He became
matured. And, unbelievable as it might have seemed, Seifer and Squall became
best friends. At first everyone was bitter with Seifer when he came back,
well almost everyone… I must admit, I wasn't that bitter, and so was Selphie,
she even organized a welcoming party for Seifer! But, after a few months, they
noticed his change, and they became friendlier with him. Even Zell didn't hold
as much grudge towards Seifer as he did before. Well, as I said, all went well, and now, after the SeeD
exam, we were just waiting for the results to come out tomorrow. And I, being
me, went to the secret area to think back what happened the whole year. Little
did I know what was going to happen that night…. *** "One two three, one two three, one two three…" I mumbled the beats of the famous waltz that was
traditionally played in the party after the SeeD graduation. I smiled as I
watched the stars and the moon in its full glory. I was gently swaying as I
played the Waltz for the moon in my mind. Before, that waltz would have been
enough to bring tears in my eyes. But no more now, I had moved on. Squall and
Rinoa's wedding was four months from now. I chuckled. I wanted so much to dance, so I did. I positioned myself, and closed my eyes. I imagined that I
was in the Garden ballroom, there was a huge party, but I danced with someone
in the center of the ball….a pure romantic fantasy. I don't remember when was the last time I let myself
fantasize about these things…but now, I felt so light and happy. What was the
use of moping around? I imagined myself that way, partly because Squall and
Rinoa had danced right at the center of the ball too. "One two three, one two three—" I swung, and twirled, I even imagined I wore a beautiful red—strapless—gown…
Thank Hyne, I said to myself as I danced, that nobody was in the secret area
other than me. Otherwise, they might think I was crazy… "One two three, one two three—"—I stopped
abruptly, I had bumped into someone, and was in that someone's arms. I felt
warm, and felt heat rise up to my cheeks… "Instructor, never thought you could dance."—I recognized
the smug but polite, voice. It was Seifer's. I immediately opened my eyes and
pulled away from him. "Almasy—", He grinned. He was in his usual outfit,
trenchcoat and all. But something felt strange as I stared at his tall frame. I
felt speechless. He didn't look the way I see him everyday. Not that I actually
pay much attention towards him…yeah, that's right, maybe I just haven't been
looking at him for a long, long time, so I was surprised… "What, Instructor?" He walked towards the barrier,
and leaned over it. He then turned his face, and looked at me. "—Nothing, I guess. Nothing but the question, just why
are you here?!", I asked in my usual instructor tone. Neat, just neat, I
felt like a tomato talking to him, and just why? It's because he was probably
watching me fantasize— "Well, why are YOU here, instructor, eh? It doesn't
really hurt to go pondering about stuff when your graduation's tomorrow, does
it?" So he was going to think too… "Firstly, I'm here to think, like you. Secondly, you're
right, it doesn't hurt to think…But watching a girl fantasize is wrong." His eyes grew wide. The smug expression was replaced with an
amused smile. "I thought you were practicing for tomorrow's ball…
Anyways—" He walked towards me and then took hold of my hands—gently…
"—How about making those fantasies come true, eh?" He gave me an unusually handsome smile. I couldn't help but
to smile and accept his invitation. I smiled back, and he pulled me into a waltz. We danced, and danced under the moonlight. And he said
something about how a dance under the moon is romantic, I didn't know what he
had said other than that….and that was because I was looking into his warm blue
eyes. They, I realized, were so unlike mine…They weren't cold..they weren't
full of self-pity…they were full of hope... And, if only as I was a better instructor, he wouldn't have
become what he was—a sorceress knight for Ultimecia. I felt so wrong, so…bad. I was the reason he became— "Stop—" I chided. He didn't, he just continued.
"I said, stop!" I yelled. He immediately stopped, and then pulled away. I saw his face
darken, but he quickly replaced it with his usual smug look. "So, don't wanna dance anymore, huh, Instru—" "Stop it, Almasy! Why, just why are you doing this to
me?!" I walked over the barrier, and leaned over it. With my back against
him, I spoke again. "Is it to torture me? To make me feel that I was the
reason you became the evil knight everyone hated?!" He threw his head back, and laughed. "So, I make you feel that way, eh?" He stood beside
me and leaned on the barrier like me. "Answer me, Almasy! Or is it to make sure that you get
your SeeD? Well, sorry me, mister—" I started waving my hands in anger. " –your status is
fixed. You pass, okay? No matter what I do, even if I commit suicide or
anything you still pas—" He caught hold of my hand, and stared into my eyes. I froze,
he was serious, so serious that I became a bit afraid. "Listen, don't start acting as if you're the only one
in this world, Quistis—" He called me Quistis…. I remained silent. "I am trying to—" he stopped, lowered his head,
and then spun around. Trying to what? Seifer, tell me! But he didn't. "You know what will happen after this,
Instructor?" he asked. I didn't answer him, and he threw his head back and laughed. "I'm going on a trip, like I always wanted. Around the
world… I'm going to accept missions as a SeeD…then, then, I'm going to make my
dream happen." He smiled at me, and I blushed. But he didn't notice, or at least I thought he didn't… He advanced towards me, and stopped when he was so close to
me that our noses were just a few centimeters away. "I hope," he whispered. " I can share that
dream with…you in the future." So, I was part of his dream…but how? Was it to die in his
hands, and to be a memory that he would never forget? "What? You want to kill me? Almasy?" I snapped. His face darkened, he didn't smile, he just gazed at me—it
wasn't even a stare. I didn't know how it happened, but, he tilted my head up,
and then kissed me… My mind went blank. I didn't know what to do. I could've
screamed, pulled away, and slapped his face as hard as I could….but I didn't…I,
actually loved the feeling of his soft lips pressing against mine. I felt as if
his kiss was what I had always yearned for, and I…. kissed him back… *** I was surprised that he kissed me. He was surprised that I kissed him back. He was the one who broke the silence. "I—" Was it I love you? Or was it I didn't expect
that? The suspense was killing me, but he didn't say those. He said something
much better. "I want you to come with me." He quickly said. I
remained silent. "I'm leaving tomorrow, for the world—" He started
walking. "It's not because of Garden, I just want to see the world…and, I
want to see it with you." He stopped, then walked towards me. "Tell me, do you think you'll want to go with me,
Quistis?" Quistis…. I opened my
mouth to say, maybe, but he stopped me. "I know, it sound strange, eh? But, if you do, meet me,
tomorrow, at my dorm…with, with all you want to bring…. Then we'll go…" He
hastily stammered. "I—" I'm not
sure, it's all so fast… What about me being an instructor? I can't just leave
for an unknown future. Are you crazy? He stopped me again, this time, he took my hands with his
left, pulled a piece of paper out of his trenchcoat, and then stuffed it in my
hands. He smiled after that. "I'm not that good at poetry….I hope you choose
whatever there is in your heart… not what your mind tells you." He was serious.
He didn't sound as if he was kidding. He was serious. He walked away after that, and once he was gone, I
straightened up the paper, and smiled after I read it. My mind was made up; I would go with him. *** Instructor….I mean
Quistis… I'm writing a stupid
letter that you probably won't read at all. I don't know how to say this, but I
guess I'm in love with you. Dammit, I sounded corny didn't I? Well, I made a
poem. I hope you'll like it. Never Realized Never realized I loved
you, And your sadness makes
me blue. Never realized that
all those time, I secretly wanted you
to be mine. Hope you understand, I
never realized. Never realized that my
hatred, Was actually love I'd
disguised. Never realized I could've
confessed, My love for you with a
kiss. Hope you understand, I
never realized. Never realized you
cared, Of that we were both
unaware. Never realized you
felt the same, Until your end almost
came. Hope you understand, I
never realized. I hope I'll have the
courage to tell you, Quistis. But, I guess you'll never believe me. And if I
finally tell you, I hope you'll believe me. *** |
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