Beautiful Dreamer

[08.21.01] » by Lesley

How does one tell the difference between right and wrong? Between good and evil? What if you are brought up your entire life believing one thing, being taught one thing, living this single belief, and then one day you are shunned for it because it is considered crude or vulgar. Maybe even evil…

So what if I'm a Turk? How does that make me any less of a decent human being than anyone else on the Planet? Should I be hated because I grew up in a family that groveled at Shinra's feet?

Sure, I can understand why I am feared by most, but honestly, is it fair to hate someone you don't even know? Even I have reasons to hate the people I do. Though I don't hate many people…

Maybe that's a weakness. I know Reno says it is. According to him Turks should hate anyone opposed to us. In other words, anyone against Shinra. But…why should I hate people I don't even know? Hate is such a dangerous thing…

I suppose now is when I should sigh and toss the wisps of blonde hair out of my eyes, laughing to myself and saying, "Don't be silly Laney. You're acting childish."

Of course, that itself would almost be an oxymoron, I suppose. Laney…I haven't been called that in years. Now it's always the oh-so-formal Elena.

Elena…it makes me sound so grown up. I don't feel grown up. I'm always being told that what I'm doing is wrong or I'm not paying enough attention. Sometimes I wish they would just get off my case. So what if I'm not a cold-hearted killer, I'm good at my job aren't I? Aren't I?

I often find myself pondering this late at night. Am I really fit for this job? I don't know what possessed me to join the Turks…but I do know why I stayed. It was all because of him.

He was too old for me, I knew it from the start, but I always had hope that maybe one day…well you know. Maybe age wouldn't matter to him. Maybe, maybe he could still love me.

I know, I know, silly dreams for a silly girl. But every girl has to have her knight to ride her off into the sunset doesn't she? Even if it is just a fantasy?

Yes, Tseng was just my fantasy…a fantasy that was never to come true. I suppose on some level I always knew that, but I would never come face to face with it. I just couldn't.

He was too perfect to give up. I always dreamed about being able to run my fingers through his ebony tresses…just once being able to kiss his lips with my own…

It was just your every-day obsession. Every girl has one. Some may come true, most won't. Mine…mine almost did. I'll never forget that day…I doubt any of us will. It was the day my dream almost came true. The day I almost got my knight…

Life was pretty much in the dumps, what with Rufus sending us after Avalanche every five seconds. This time we were on way to the Temple of the Ancients. We reached it…but Tseng decided to proceed alone.

"No sense in all of us going, I want you all to go report to President Shinra anyway," he had said in his ever confident voice. I hung around a few seconds longer, wishing him luck, and that's when he surprised me. He asked me out to dinner. Me. He had asked me out to dinner. It was all I could do to say yes.

I was on cloud nine after that…though only briefly. It was only a matter of hours before my dreams came once more tumbling from sky. Tseng…I'll never forget finding him there.

It was only one of a few times I can remember Reno showing any compassion towards others. He didn't think I noticed, but I saw his eyes redden, and the tears gathering in his eyes before he shoved his sunglasses down over them. I myself could do nothing to hide my tears…but I, unlike Reno, wasn't ashamed of them. I let them dance freely down my cheek as I knelt beside our boss…our mentor…Tseng…he was everything to us.

Even now, months later…I can still see it…the blood pooled around his lifeless body…his hair, dark as the night itself, falling carelessly in his face…I'll never get those images out of mind.

I lie awake at night now…haunted by them. Haunted by these images, and images of what might have been. Unable to sleep, I've grown accustomed to wandering the streets late at night, not really caring where I wind up…sometimes not even noticing.

Reno tells me I've become even more of a dreamer than I used to be. That may be true, but I don't see what's wrong with it if it is. Where would the world be without dreamers?

I've grown to ignore Reno's comments. He usually doesn't know what he's talking about anyway. More often than not its drunken babble, followed by cheap passes at the first skirt to come by. Slimy bastard…

Alright, so maybe I'm a dreamer. So maybe I fantasize about a perfect society that will never be, and a perfect relationship that will never be, and…the perfect man that was…but will never be anymore…

Every time I think about him, I just want to curl into a ball a cry myself dry…but Turks aren't supposed to cry. It was different when we found Tseng, but now if Reno catches my eyes going red or my voice catching in my throat, he gives me a look that says, "Don't you dare. You're a Turk, you don't cry, so don't even think about it."

God, sometimes I just want to spit on him! Or slap him, or just flat out scream at him! He thinks he's so high and mighty, but he's a really just a conceited little bastard that's always trying to get in some girl's pants.

He always tells me I'm doing things wrong, and that I need to be tougher, but don't I always get the job done? Sure, he gets it done too, but he usually ends up killing two or three people that needn't have died…not that anyone should have in the first place.

I'm so wrong for this job I know it…I don't like killing, I honestly don't. And…I know it's not healthy to relish in murdering like Reno and Rude do…but I wish I could take more pleasure in my job. Reno's always telling me to stop feeling bad for the victim's.

Why do I let him get to me? I know that's exactly what he's trying to do. He loves irritating me…so why do I let him? I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted me to quit so he could hire some sleazy chick that slithers around in a tiny shirt and tight top.

Well…I'm not going to quit. I'm not going to let Reno get to me anymore. I'm going to do my job the way I have been. I'm going to keep on dreaming about a perfect life that I know I'll never have. I'm still going to cry if I feel like it. I don't care if Mr. Big-Shot likes it or not.

Yeah…that's it. I don't care. That can be my new motto. I don't care.

Now let's see if I can convince myself that its true.