Meet Randy Travis

[08.21.01] » by Aaron D. Roberts

"Dude!" Zell exclaimed. "Fred is SO not gay!" To emphasize, the young man punched the metal ceiling.

Irvine Kinneas successfully attempted to dodge the actual blow, but was unable to avoid the shockwave which rattled the entire van.

"Hey!" SeeD 25th-class Quistis Trepe called from the middle seat. "Cut that out!"

"For sure," Selphie echoed from up front. "Like, you guys are so, um, immature, y'know?"

"Hmmph," Squall, the driver, commented, trying to sound authoritative. "Uh, you guys stop fighting or I'll have to....do something...forceful, or---oh, whatever."

"But, Squall!" Zell protested. "He said Fred from 'Scooby-Doo' is gay!"

"Well, he is," said Irvine, smirking. "Think about it. He was always trying to get Shaggy to sleep in the same bed with him. Now that I think about it, sometimes he tried to get the dog, too."

"But what about all those times he went off with Daphne by himself? That had to mean something!"

"Well," Irvine explained, "you have to understand that she did have a thing for Fred, even if it wasn't reciprocated. He was trying to be nice and let her down easy---which, I might add, is something that can score points in the long run.

"But, the most important piece of evidence is Fred's wardrobe. Even considering the time period, the outfit just shrieks 'butt-pirate'."

"You're full of it, dude!" Zell yelled, attempted to deliver the van's roof another crushing blow.

"Zell!" Squall shouted. "Stop it! You have to face facts. This 'Fred' was gay. Accept it and move on." Not that Squall actually cared about Zell's feelings, but he did want the young hothead to shut up. Driving and brooding at the same time was hard enough without mindless chatter getting in the way.

"Who are we going to see, now, anyway?" Zell said, trying to save face while changing the subject.

"Sally Kramer, Cid's aunt," answered Quistis. "Cid said he wanted Squall to check on her, see if she needs anything, like supplies or whatnot. She lives all alone on a hill three miles outside of Dollet, and she doesn't have a car, so it's hard for her to get to town."

"So why did we all come?" Zell asked.

"I came because Squall came," Quistis said.

"I'm here because Selphie came," Irvine said.

"Like, I'm here 'cause it sounded like fun!" Selphie said, beginning to sing. "Aunnnt--ie, Aunt-ie..." She continued.

"Why am I here?" asked Zell.

"I don't know," said Squall, trying to concentrate on the road. "Why are you here?"

Zell pursed his lips. "Hell, I don't know. Why isn't Rinoa here, then?"

Squall mumbled something into the steering wheel. "What?" Zell prompted.

"Because she couldn't fit into the van with the rest of us in it," Quistis answered.

"At least Moomby could come with us," Selphie said, ruffling the shock of hair between the Moomba's ears. "Right, Moomby?"

"Laguna!" Moomby agreed.

"Like, I thought so," Selphie answered.

"Hey," Zell said, pointing out the window. "Is that a hitchhiker up ahead?"

"Let's pick him up!" Selphie said excitedly.

"Do you realize how stupid it is to pick up hitchhikers?" Squall told her. "It's not only dangerous, but think about how little room we have in our van right now..."

The van screeched to a stop. Squall rolled down his window and addressed the man standing on the side of the road. "Hey."

"Hi," the man said. He was wearing a plaid-patterned shirt, topped off by a brown leather jacket, faded blue jeans with a belt buckle bigger than even Squall's, and leather boots. He carried an acoustic guitar case.

"Well, see ya---ooof!" Squall cried as Quistis punched him on the shoulder. "I mean, can we give you a hand?"

"Well..." the man began.

"Hey!" shouted Irvine. "I know you! You're country-singing megastar, Randy Travis!"

"Like, wow!" said Selphie.

"Hi, kids," said Randy Travis. "I was comin' out here to visit a friend of mine, Sally Kramer. You know her?"

"Yeah!" said Zell. "We're going out there right now!"

"Sally's an old friend of the family," Randy explained, "I didn't think I needed to rent a car, but the walk from Timber to Dollet is a lot longer than I thought it was."

"It never seemed very long to me," Squall commented.

"Like, do you want a ride?" Selphie asked.

"Sure," the singer replied, crossing the highway and manuevering towards the van's sliding door.

Rather than describe the tedious and painful moments which occured upon the attempt to fit Randy Travis into the van, it should simply be noted that by the end of the whole ordeal, Zell was hanging onto the upper lip of the van's windshield and trying desparately not to fall off.

"I totally love your songs," Irvine said to Randy. "I can even play some of them! Want to hear?"

"Not really," Travis answered. "I know how to play 'em, too. No offense."

"Okay," Irvine said, and proceeded to sulk from his small corner of the cramped van.

"Like, are we there yet?" Selphie asked, nervously moving and twitching.

"Nope," Squall said laconically.

"How 'bout now?" said Selphie.

"No."

"Now?"

"Not yet."

"Now?"

"For God's sake, shut up!" Irvine shouted.

Quistis turned around in her seat. "I think someone's a little miffed about not being able to play someone else's songs for him, whomever that someone, or those two someones, may be."

"I have no idea what you just said," remarked Squall.

"Like, ditto."

Irvine pointed out the windshield. "Look out, Squall! It's a monster!"

"Yeah, right. Stop trying to distract our attention from---" Squall stomped on the brakes as his eyes widened. A black monster was standing in the center of the road, which, if you really thought about it, was a really idiotic thing to do, even for a monster.

Squall heard a scrape and a startled scream as he and Selphie saw Zell's helpless body fly off of the roof of the van and crash into the creature. Throwing off his sealtbelt, he opened the driver's side door and leapt toward where Zell stupidly lay next to the creature. The others began slowly filing out of the van.

The SeeD knelt down next to his comrade. "Zell, you all right?"

"Dude. That hurt."

"Poor creature," Squall said. "All alone in its freakish existence; no reason to live or love. It saw the pointlessness of life and decided to take the only way out it knew how: to end it all by---"

"What is that thing?" Randy Travis asked, getting out of the van and stretching his arms and legs.

"Dunno," said Irvine. "It's not like any monster I've ever seen."

Abruptly, the monster leapt up. "Beeewwwaaare!" it shrieked. "Staaaaayyy aawaaaayyy!"

"Like, I've never heard a monster talk before," commented Selphie.

"Really," commented Quistis, "How about the Brothers?"

"Like, they're GF's," Selphie said, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, how about Tonberries?"

"Booyaka! I've never heard them talk."

"Alright, what about---"

"Beeeewaaaare!" the monster reiterated. Then, it ran off into the woods, wailing warnings behind it.

"That was strange," Randy remarked.

"Nah," said Irvine, "it happens to us all the time. Except the talking part."

"Uh, is okay if I ride inside the van from now on?" Zell asked, shame-faced.

"Sure, whatver," Squall replied. "You've gotta figure out a way to do it, though."

***

"I think we're almost there," Squall said as he spotted the gravel driveway that marked the entrance to Sally Kramer's land.

"Groovy," Selphie said, trying to teach Moomby to say different words, unsuccessfully. "Say it, Moomby. 'Groovy.'"

"Laguna!"

"Groovy!"

"Laguna!"

Selphie finally gave up. "Okay, well, Sir Laguna is really cool, anyway, so, like, I can't argue with you too much, can I?"

"Laguna!"

Squall put on the parking brake as he stopped the van in front of Sally's house. "I think this is it. I've never been here before."

Squall, Randy Travis, and the gang walked towards the huge front door of the Gothic-looking house, though it was hard to see too far in front of one's face because of the thick layer of mist that surrounded it.

"Like, this place looks really spooky," Selphie said.

"Don't be a wuss, Selphie," Zell said, shivering. "What do we do now?"

Rather than respond to such a stupid question, Squall rapped the golden-hinged knocker three times. Each knock was echoed with a loud boom that ran throughout the landscape. After a tense moment, the door creaked open.

Creeeeeaaak!

"Hello," intoned a deep bass, even deeper than Randy's. A tall, skeletal man stood at the entrance to the mansion.

"Zoiks!" Selphie yelped and shoved Moomby in front of her. The Moomba reacted quickly, reversing the process by leaping behind the female SeeD.

"Hi," said Randy. "I'm Randy Travis, and these are my friends Squall, Zell, Selphie, Quistis, Moomby, and, uh..."

"Irvine," Irvine supplied.

"Right," Randy agreed. "We're here to see my old friend Sally Kramer. Is she around?"

"Oh, Lurch, stop foolin' around and let them in!" came a pleasant voice from inside the immense house.

"Sally!" Randy shouted, rushing to embrace the stout old woman who appeared.

"Good to see you, Randy," she said warmly. "Who are your friends?"

"Well, like I was tellin' your butler, these are Squall, Zell, Moomby, Selphie, Quistis, and Irving."

"Irvine!" Irvine corrected.

"Sorry," Randy apologized.

"Don't mind Lurch here," Sally said, "he just looks scary. He wouldn't harm a fly, unless it was one of those damn Bite Bugs." Lurch followed up Sally's proclamation with a wide grin which seemed to belie her sentiments.

"Like, your nephew Cid sent us to check on you, or something," Selphie explained.

"Good ol' Cid," Sally said, "though I got to admit, a really devoted nephew would have come out here himself."

"Yes, well, he's really busy running the Garden," Squall supplied.

Sally cackled. "Sure he is. I heard Edea finally came back to him. Is that true?" Quistis gave an affirmative nod. "Well, then, no wonder he don't wanna leave home! Why don't you all come in and have some supper?" A nod to Lurch, and he went inside, presumably to prepare the food.

"A meal?" Selphie's eyes brightened. "Like, I haven't eaten for almost three hours!"

"I don't know how you keep your figure," Quistis intoned.

A mournful wail echoed around the environs. "Beeeeewaaaare!"

Irvine looked around. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, it's just that Black Beast thingy," Sally said nonchalantly. "It bothers me to no end."

"You know, Sally," came a new voice, "I could take this here property off your hands for a very reasonable amount."

Sally turned to the newcomer. "Get outta here, Clifton Clowers! I told you I don't wanna sell my land! I like it here!"

"But, Sally, I keep telling you, it'd be perfect for my 'Wolverton Mountain' theme park," Clowers said, straightening his tie. "I'll even make you a partner. Think of the money we could make!"

"I don't need any more money," Sally argued. "Get offa my property."

"All right, Sally," Clowers said, "but you'll regret this." He walked off.

"How did he get here, anyway?" Zell asked.

"It doesn't matter," Quistis told him, "his appearance is only a plot device for exposition's sake."

Everyone looked at her quizzically. "About supper?" Selphie asked.

***

Conversation was almost impossible around the table with the noise of Selphie and Moomby's voracious eating. Slurps and chomps and gulps permeated the atmosphere.

Randy nevertheless attempted to strike up one. "Sally---"chomp "---I was wondering---" slurp "---what's the deal with---" gulp "---this Black Beast thing?"

(chomps, slurps, and gulps deleted for brevity's sake) "Actually, Randy," Sally said, "The Black Beast hasn't actually done anything physical. It just hollers a whole bunch and seems to want to frighten Lurch and me. I don't know what it's after."

Quistis whispered something to Squall. "You've got to be kidding," he said. She sharply elbowed him in the side. "Ow! Okay, okay." He turned to Sally. "We'll stick around and investigate. Maybe we can come to the bottom of this mystery."

"Like, do we have to?" Selphie asked. "That Black Beast gives me the creeps." She shivered.

Squall scowled. "I don't really care---ow---I mean, yes, we have to."

"Hey, Sally," Zell inquired, "got any hot dogs? I could really go for one right now."

Sally's answer was pre-empted by a piercing scream. "Staaaaay aaawaaaay!"

Everyone started. "He seems pretty close this time," Squall said. As if to show Squall's correctness, the Black Beast himself burst out of the door leading to the kitchen, whining incessantly. "Beeeewaaare!" it yelled.

"Run!!" Squall suggested, bounding out of his chair and through the opposite door, followed closely by the others. Randy stopped, and as Selphie and Moomby, the last two, shuffled through, he slammed the portal shut, securing it with a chair underneath the knob. "That oughta hold," he said.

"He's trapped!" Irvine said triumphantly.

"Not quite, sonny," Sally corrected as the door banged. "He can't come out this way, but he can still get out through the kitchen."

"Oh," Irvine said, shame-faced.

"What do we do now, Squall?" Quistis asked.

"Why are you asking me?" said Squall in turn.

"Well, you are the leader, dude," Zell supplied.

Squall groaned. "Okay, then let's....split up."

"Split up?" Selphie repeated, shivering.

"Sure," Squall answered. "Irvine, Quistis and---"

"Randy?" Irvine interjected.

"No," Squall told him. "Irvine, Quistis and I will go upstairs. We'll see if the Beast escaped that way. Selphie, Zell, and Randy, you check around on this floor; see if he's hanging around down here. Sally, you call the authorities in Dollet. After that, see if you can find Lurch and get him to help us. Okay?" Eveyrone nodded.

Quistis beamed as Squall's leadership abilities took hold. "Let's go," he said forcefully.

***

She couldn't fit in the van! Hyne, what a goddamn stupid reason for her not to go along. Rinoa would have gladly sat on Squall's lap for the whole trip, regardless of whether he was driving or not. And what right did the others have to leave her out of an adventure? Sure, she wasn't a SeeD, but she'd fought side by side with them through countless battles...

"It sucks, ya know?" Raijin asked her.

"What?"

The tall, dark-skinned SeeD trainee looked at her with his mindless intensity. "Bein' left out. It's really lame, ya know? Even when I was part of the posse, I was the one left out. They thought I was stupid, ya know?"

"Oh," Rinoa said, with sympathy, though she had to admit she shared Seifer and Fujin's sentiments regarding Raijin's intelligence. Maybe that was unfair. Raijin was the nicest man she'd ever met, including Squall (who was in truth probably the least nice man she'd ever met except he was so cute! She knew she could change him!), and his misguided actions deserved forgiveness.

"Like, for instance," Raijin explained, "this one time, a coupla' weeks ago, Fujin wouldn't let me go out on a date with her and Zell! Why not?" he asked plaintively.

"I have no idea," Rinoa said in false disbelief, trying not to laugh.

"That's why I came back to Garden," Raijin said. "I was lucky. They didn't care about what...happened. What's funny is, I know they'd let Fujin and Seifer come back if they wanted to. Why don't they, Rinoa? Why don't they want to?"

This was serious. Rinoa put a hand on her friend's shoulder. "I don't know, Raijin. Maybe they're just not ready yet. Maybe they never will be."

"Yeah," Raijin agreed, "you're probably right, ya know? Even if they don't ever come back, at least I have the chance to become a SeeD, ya know?" Raijin was 17. He still had two years left to pass the tests. On his abilities alone, Rinoa would have given three to one odds against his graduation, but with his determination as a factor, the daughter of General Caraway had no doubts concerning his success.

"I know you can do it, my friend," she said with conviction.

"Thanks, ya know? Maybe I can be a part of your posse, instead. That'd be cool." Rinoa gave the big man an engulfing hug.

"Hey," Raijin said, "look, you don't have to worry about Squall not lettin' you come with him, ya know?"

"Why not?" Rinoa asked.

"He probably just wasn't thinkin' when he made his decision, ya know? Squall didn't even think about your feelings, right? He realized how stupid he'd been after they all left, I'm sure. And he probably thinks he's so much of an idiot now, ya know?"

***

"I am such an idiot," Squall said as he, Quistis, and Irvine climbed up the attic stairs.

"Why's that, Squall?' Irvine asked.

"I forgot to ask Rinoa..."

"What?" Quistis asked with chaotic, uncertain urgence.

"I forgot to ask Rinoa to tape the 'Get Smart' marathon on TV Land this weekend," Squall clarified.

"Whoa, that's harsh," said Irvine. "Agent 99 is one of the hottest chicks I've ever seen."

"...Whatever," agreed Squall.

Quistis tried to hide her quiet smile.

Squall was the first of the trio to finish the long trek up the stairway. "Dark," he commented.

"Boy," said Irvine ominously, "it sure is spooky up here."

"Where's the light?" asked Quistis.

"Found it," Squall said, and the room was bathed in incandescence as he pulled a string.

"Oh, Hyne," Irvine swore, "look at all this junk."

"Yeah," said Squall, opening an old trunk. "This is...different. Apparently Sally is an avid Laguna Loire fan."

"Wow," Quistis said, sifting through the merchandise. "Action figures...comic books...trading cards, even old DVD's! She's got 'em all. Here's the prized Director's Cut of 'The Grapes of Mice and Men!'"

"Isn't that the one where they took out Ward's dubbed voice?" asked Irvine.

"Yeah," Quistis affirmed. "It kinda loses something without it, though."

"...," Squall said.

Quistis snapped her fingers. "Exactly."

"Hey, Quisty," called Irvine, "what do you make of this?" The sharpshooter held up a burned scrap of paper.

"You ever really think about aging?" Squall said out of nowhere. "I mean, seriously, look at Laguna, here." He held up a rare "Everybody Loves Laguna" trading card. "He's so young and vital. Remember how he looked in Esthar?"

"I thought he looked pretty good," said Irvine. "Not that I'm, ya know...funny, or anything."

"He looked great," Quistis said, trying to salvage some shred of Irvine's libido. "Especially when you consider he's pushing fifty."

Squall scowled. "That's my point. He's old, now, and admittedly he's engaged in an occupation designed for former actors---politics---but I can't imagine myself getting that old, can you?"

Quistis and Irvine were both silent, lost in thought.

"Oh, cool!" Squall cried, espying another interesting artifact. "Here's a letter from Wilt Chamberlain, from when Laguna was playing in the Galbadian Basketball Association! It says, 'Dear Laguna, you're looking pretty hot this year, winning the scoring title for the league. But it seems to me you're still about 19,987 short in one "scoring" category. Love, Wilt.' This is cool as hell!" Squall got excited over the weirdest things. "I wonder how Sally got this?" he wondered. "You don't think she and...naw!"

"How short in that 'category' are you, Squall?" Quistis asked seductively. "I'm sure I could help you stretch your numbers, if you know what I mean."

"What are you talking about, Quistis? I've already 'scored' with you."

"You have?" Quistis asked incredulously.

"Sure, remember that time you, Zell, Seifer, and I played basketball? Man, I took it to the hole. I was all over that shit."

"That's not what I---"

"Uh," said Irvine, "Quisty? About this piece of paper?"

"Sorry," replied Quistis, still heady with the rush that lustful thoughts about Squall gave her. "Let's see it." Irvine handed the burned scrap to the former instructor. "Jinkies!" she exclaimed. "This must be a clue!"

"What is it?" Squall asked, still going through the Laguna Loire memorabilia.

"I think this is a phone number, or something," Quistis illuminated. "141-5181. At least, I don't know what else it could be."

"Hmmm..." Squall said.

***

"I don't know what we're supposed to be lookin' for," Randy admitted.

"Like, sure," Selphie agreed. "This is just a big house, like, y'know?"

"Hey!" Zell shouted from the corner of the room. "I found a guitar! Randy, what do you think of it?" he asked, handing Randy the instrument.

"Not bad," Randy said, tuning it up. "It's a '63 Gibson. It should have a good sound." He began playing a song.

You may think that I've been unfaithful

You say that I'm wild and I'm free You may wonder how

I can say to you now

This love that I have for you always will be

Oh, darlin'

I'm gonna love you forever

Forever and ever, amen

As long as old men sit and talk about the weather---

"I've heard that one before!" Zell protested. "One time, I sang it to my would-be girlfriend. It didn't go over so well. Sing a different song!"

"Okay," Randy said, playing a different riff.

Diggin' up bones

I'm diggin' up bones

exhumin' things that's better left alone

I'm resurrectin' memories of a love that's come and gone

I'm just sittin' alone

Diggin' up bones

"Freeze!" said an unidentified voice.

"Huh?" said Randy, halting in mid-pluck.

"Nobody move," the voice re-iterated.

"Who's there?" Zell demanded.

"Adaera Smith, D.I.A.," came the response.

Randy thought for a minute. "Denver International Airport?"

"What?"

"Where the hell's Denver?" asked Zell.

"No," replied Smith, "I'm with the Dollet Investigational Agency. I've heard there were some funny things going on here." She spat on the floor.

"You're not chewin' tobacco, are you?" Randy inquired.

Smith did her best to look indignant in the dark environs. "Of course not," she insisted, "girls don't chew tobacco." She spat again. "I've just got a huge phlegm buildup right now."

"Laguna," said Moomby doubtfully.

"Oh," said Randy sarcastically, "of course. But what are you investigating here, Agent Smith?"

"Well---ptooey!---I think somethin's going down here. I'm not sure---ptooey!---what."

"Like, maybe she's looking for the Black---ulp!" Selphie sputtered as Zell closed her mouth with his hand.

"Is something strange going on around here?" Randy asked innocently. "Sally's an old friend of mine, and I'd hate to see anything happen to her." Randy made sure there was more than a grain of menace in the last sentence.

"Okay, well, I'm outta here," said Agent Smith, silently leaving the room, except for the last expectoration.

Randy Travis, Selphie, and Zell looked at each other, stupefied.

"Like, she totally had a chew in," illuminated Selphie.

"Dude!" exclaimed Zell, "That's SO nasty."

Randy put down the guitar. "Look," he said, "that's not really important here. What's important is that we find this Black Bea---"

"Beeeeeewaaaare!!"

"Zoiks!" yelled Selphie as she and Moomby ran toward the door, colliding coincidentally with the Black Beast. Selphie screamed again and jumped back.

"Selphie," said Zell, "we're SeeDs, remember? We're trained to fight monsters and enemy soldiers."

"I don't care!" cried Selphie. "Let's run!"

Randy, not being trained in the arts of warfare, agreed, and so he jumped up and dodged past the Black Beast, and ran down the hallway. Zell, not caring to face the monster alone, followed, silently cursing his companions' cowardice.

"Hey!" Zell shouted, trying to catch up. "Let me catch up!"

"Groooowwwl!" said the Black Beast. "Staaay awaaaaayyyy!"

Zell was out of breath as he caught up with his comrades. "Hey," he said, "what---"

Zell collided with something. "Ahhh!!!" he shouted, lashing out with his gauntleted fists.

"Dammit, Zell," said Quistis's voice, "what are you doing?"

"Oh, sorry," Zell apologized.

***

"No way," Zell said with force. "I would be Ben Affleck."

"Sorry, Zell," said Squall. "I'd be Ben Affleck. I have dark hair. Matt Damon has blond hair. You have blond hair, Zell. Therefore, Matt Damon would play you." Squall pondered the idea for a minute. "That being said, I remember at one point that Ben Affleck dyed his hair blond. So, maybe Ben Affleck would play Irvine."

"Oh, ho!" responded Zell.

"But!" Squall followed up, "if that were the case, then Matt Damon would play me, not you. So, in either case, you would never be played by Ben Affleck. You would be lucky if Matt Damon chose to play you."

"Why's that?" Zell demanded.

"I'm the hero," Squall said simply.

"That's horseshit, dude!" Zell contradicted. "You're the anti-hero! You don't have any heroic qualities! You're an asshole!"

"Think about it," Squall replied. "Remember 'Good Will Hunting'? Who was the biggest asshole in that movie?"

"Oh," Zell said, all but silenced, trying not to grimace at Squall's self-satisfied look.

"Can we get to the point?" said country singer Randy Travis.

"Okay," Squall said to all of his assembled friends, "it's time to catch the Black Beast once and for all."

"What about Sally?" Randy Travis asked.

"We don't know where she is," supplied Irvine.

"Maybe the Black Beast got her," suggested Selphie, shivering.

"Here's what we're gonna do," said Squall. "We'll set a trap for the Black Beast."

"Squall and I rigged up a barrel on the ceiling," said Quistis.

"That reminds me," Squall interjected, "why did you need me to take off my pants for that?"

"Never you mind," Quistis chided. "Anyway, we're going to draw the Beast right under the barrel, and then drop it."

"Yeah," agreed Squall. "Selphie, you and Moomby are going to be the bait."

"Like, c'mon," said Selphie, "why do WE have to do it?"

"Because," Quistis insisted, "he'll expect you guys to run away. He probably would be surprised if any of the rest of us did."

"Laguna!" interjected Moomby.

"Shut up," said Irvine.

"Like," Selphie said, "I don't think he wants to do it."

"How about for a special SeeD snack?" offered Quistis.

Moomby was sold. "Laguna!" he said.

"Okay," said Quistis throwing him a SeeD snack. "Selphie?" Selphie nodded. "All...right," Quistis allowed, and threw her former trainee another. Selphie ate it up within three seconds.

"Have we all been mollified?" Squall asked.

Everyone nodded. "Good," said Quistis. "Let's go."

***

"Oh, no," said Selphie, as she and Moomby were raiding the kitchen, "I sure hope the Black Beast doesn't find us!"

"Laguna!" agreed Moomby.

"Staaaay awaaay!" came the Black Beast's voice.

"Like, gangway!" screamed Selphie as she and Moomby ran down the hallway. The Black Beast gave chase.

"Like, now!" said Selphie, trying to cue her friends who stood at ready with the barrel's trigger.

Unfortunately, Squall was too busy reading an old issue of "Timber Maniacs" to realize that this point was exactly the one in which he should drop the barrel. Luckily, Selphie bounced off of the incredibly hard wall with such force that she knocked the Black Beast down to the floor. Irvine and Randy leapt upon it, tying it securely with hemp-woven rope.

***

The Beast was tied to a chair, surrounded by the SeeDs and their friends.

"It's great that you caught it," said Sally to the others, "but who was the Black Beast?"

"It's got to be Adaera Smith," said Quistis. "If you take the number Irvine found on that sheet of paper, 141-5181, and match those numbers with their corresponding letters in the alphabet, you get 'Adaera.'"

"I don't think so," Randy Travis guessed. "I think it's Lurch. He's the butler, and generally, the butler always does it."

"Like, no way," insisted Selphie. "It's MegaMan!"

"Laguna!" Moomby agreed.

Irvine looked at the two, disgusted. "I can't believe I ever dated you," he said to Selphie. "What was I thinking?"

Selphie, sensitive as always, replied, "You were probably thinking that you were capable of sustaining an erection. Like, I guess we disproved that theory!"

Irvine was completely silenced by that statement, and so to save his fellow SeeD from embarrassment, Zell suggested, "I think it might have been Clifton Clowers. He wanted to build that 'Wolverton Mountain' theme park here, so he had a motive, right?"

"Let's find out," said Squall, pulling off the Black Beast's mask.

Everyone was stunned into complete. total quiet.

"Uhhhh," said Irvine, embarrassed even further than he had been before.

"Looks like you caught me," MegaMan said, still tied to the chair. "I was just trying to get out of being typecast. When I go to a job interview, people think, 'Oh, he's MegaMan, he can only play a robot! Well, I showed them! I can also play a typical movie monster! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you blasted kids!"

"Laguna!" corrected Moomby.

"Oh, yeah," added MegaMan. "And your Moomba, too!"

***

"Well, thanks, yung'uns," said Sally.

"Right," agreed Randy Travis. "We never could have done it without you guys---Squall, Selphie, Zell, Moomby, and Quistis."

Irvine harrumped.

"Oh, and you too, Irwin," Randy added.

"It's IRVINE!" Irvine shouted. "I-R-V-I-N-E! My name is Irvine! Aren't you capable of remembering that?!"

"I guess not," said Randy, "but I AM capable of sustaining an erection."

Irvine tried not to look ashamed, but was unsuccessful.

"One thing I don't get," said Quistis. "The phone number Irvine found up in the attic---I transposed the numbers to their corresponding letters of the alphabet, and I got the letters A-D-A-E-R-A."

"We already heard that," said Squall.

Quistis tried not to look annoyed. "Yes, but does that mean anything? I mean, I was sure it was a clue to the Black Beast's true identity."

"I think maybe it was just a red herring, meant to throw us off the trail of MegaMan's true intentions," Randy suggested.

"Oh, sure, THAT makes sense," Irvine harrumphed.

"What an asshole!" Randy said under his breath to Sally.

"Like, maybe, Randy's right," Selphie added. "I mean, even though she did interrupt Randy's singing and all, I don't think she---"

Irvine was aghast. "You got to hear Randy sing?! And I didn't!?" He screamed and then began crying.

"Hey," Sally said, looking at the scrap of paper, "this isn't a code! It's Laguna Loire's phone number! When he was filming 'Dial M for Machine Gun,' he and I---"

"Shut up!" demanded Squall. "I don't want to hear it!"

Author's Note: If you've never listened to country music before, you might not get the "Clifton Clowers" joke. If that's the case, let me, the muse, explain: Clifton Clowers was the man in the song, "Wolverton Mountain," who hid his daughter away in the woods so no strange men would try to have...uhhh...romantic intercourse with her. Oh, and in case you're a complete idiot, this story was based off of the "All-New Scooby-Doo Movies." Sorry if you didn't get it and I offended you. Live with it.

THE END

MegaMan cackled as the Dollet Investigational Agency dragged him off to prison. "Ha! Ha ha!" He struggled in their grip. "Now that I know I can be a villain," he said thoughtfully, in a crazy way, "I can do it again! And again, and again, and again! Just like Dr. Wily always did!"

"Shut up," Adaera Smith told him, spitting.

The officers lifted him up into the paddywagon. "Watch out, SeeDs! I'll be back!" His maniacal laughter echoed in the hills of the Dollet Dukedom.

"And sooner or later," MegaMan added, "I'll learn how to use para-magic! Ah--ha ha hah a--hahaha-ha hah ha-- ha!!!!"

....OR IS IT?