American Aibo

[07.30.01] » by Fritz Fraundorf

Chu-Chu curled up on her bed with her diary. Now a proud sophomore at Balamb Garden, she was well on her way to becoming a SeeD medic. Too bad she still couldn't score with any of the hot human guys. Maybe she just had to wait and they would be all over her once she was an upperclassman.

She uncapped her pink marker. "Wong Chu-Chu," Chu-Chu wrote, replacing the hyphen with a tiny heart. "Mrs. Wong. Mr. and Mrs. Wong. Wong Fei Fong and Wong Chu-Chu. Mr. and Mrs. Wong Fei Fong." She read each entry aloud as she printed it neatly in her diary's margin.

"Gawd, Chu-Chu, stop it," her roommate whined from the messy side of the room. "That's, like, totally annoying."

Selphie burst into the room. "Hey, guys ^_^! Guess what ^____^!?"

"You just won 700,000 gil with Seventh Heaven's Scratch, Sniff, Pass Out 'n Win!® game?"

"No, I talked the Headmaster into upping the budget for this year's SeeD ball!" she announced. "It's gonna be soooo awesome ^___^! And we get to plan the whole thing too, cause we're the Garden Festival Committee!"

"Gawd, talk about a waste of money," Yuffie said. "Dancing is, like, totally stupid."

Selphie frowned. "Aww, come on," she said. "It'll be fun! Aren't you excited about the ball?"

"Oh no, don't tell me you're going to make me, like, actually go," Yuffie said.

"Well, you don't have to go... but don't you want to learn how to dance ^^;;?" Selphie enthused. "How are you ever going to get a boyfriend?"

"I'm not; that's the point."

"You're missing out ^^;," Selphie teased.

"Oh, gawd, Selphie, get real," Yuffie said. "Like, half your friends don't either. Zell doesn't, Quistis doesn't, Nida doesn't, Chu-Chu doesn't..."

"I'm sure Franz would beg to differ with that," Chu-Chu said indignantly.

"That's true..." Selphie said mysteriously, as the wheels in her head began to turn. A maniacal grin crossed her face. "Um, I have to go now," she said, barely able to refrain from bursting out in giggles. She skipped out of the room, singing to herself. "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..."

Yuffie glanced over at Chu-Chu. "I wonder what that was all about."

"I don't know," Chu-Chu shrugged. "But I realized I forgot chu show what I bought earlier today!" She hopped off her bed, ran to the closet, and dragged out a huge box.

"Uh, this isn't something that's, like, gross, is it?"

"No, it's chu-ute!" Chu-Chu said. She tore open the package. "Isn't he adorable?" she asked, lifting out a mechanical dog from inside.

"You bought an AIBO?" Yuffie howled. "Why?"

"Well... two reasons, I guess. First of all, I bet I can pick up a lot of hot guys with him." Chu-Chu held up the robot and looked sadly at it. "And the other reason we can forget about, since this thing isn't anatomically chu-rect."

"Grossness!"

Chu-Chu plugged in the AIBO's battery pack. "I can't wait chu take this down to the cafeteria and give it a try," she said. "Score city, here we come."

QU'S MARSH STUDIOS presents
a FRITZ FRAUNDORF fanfic
AMERICAN AIBO

"Hey, Zell!" Selphie bounded across the cafeteria to accost her friend in the hot dog line.

Zell held up a hand. "Selphie, if this is about your shitty pop-punk band, I don't want to hear about it," he cautioned. "You guys should just hurry up and file for chapter 11, 'cause you hit artistic bankruptcy a long time ago."

"Zell, I thought I should let you know that, uh..." Selphie leaned closer and lowered her voice as she smirked. "...Yuffie Kisaragi has, like, a huge crush on you."

Zell blinked. "Um, this is a joke, right?" he said eventually, reluctant to set himself up for a punchline by even asking.

"No, I'm serious," Selphie whispered. "She thinks you're cute."

A million replies flooded Zell's lips, but few of them were ones he would actually speak aloud. "I don't even know her," he protested.

A metal dog suddenly shot past their feet, being chased a few seconds later by Chu-Chu and Yuffie.

"The SeeD ball's coming up, you know," Selphie said. "I bet she'd love to go with you..."

"Selphie, um, I..."

Chu-Chu and Yuffie returned, with Chu-Chu now carrying the AIBO in her arms. "Heya, Zelly-baby," Chu-Chu said with a wink.

Zell glanced nervously at Yuffie, but saw only her usual blank, clueless expression. "Hi there."

"Look, I have an AIBO!" Chu-Chu held up her robotic canine. "Look, isn't it cute?"

"Uh... sure."

The wriggling AIBO suddenly slipped out of Chu-Chu's hands. "Whoops!" she exclaimed as the dog sped across the floor, wagging its metal tail. Chu-Chu and Yuffie scrambled after it again. "See you later, Zelly-poo!"

Zell winced. "Don't tell me your furry friend has a crush on me too."

"Zell, you should know by now she has a crush on every guy at Garden XP," Selphie said. "And most of the girls, too."

"I think I'm going to go back to my room and hide under the bed now," Zell said miserably.

Selphie rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on, Zell, aren't you interested? Er, in Yuffie, I mean?"

Zell fidgeted nervously. "I, ah... why are you asking me all these questions?"

Selphie stuck out her tongue. "I thought so :)." She glanced around. "Look, um, I need to go... but we can talk later, okay ^^?" Selphie hurried off in pursuit of her friends.

Zell stared blankly at the space of floor where she had been. "Last call for hot dogs," the cafeteria lady called from what seemed like the other side of Garden.

Quistis passed by and fixed him with a curious look. "Don't you want any hot dogs, Zell?" she said. When he did not even acknowledge her presence, she leaned in to examine him closer, looking rather concerned. "Are you all right? You look like you've been scared out of your wits."

"I think I have."

* * *

Running as fast as she could, Selphie soon caught up with Yuffie and Chu-Chu as they strolled back to their room. "I see you bought an AIBO ¬_¬," she said, a bit irritated that Chu-Chu had frightened Zell off.

"Yeah, I was hoping it would help me pick up guys, but it doesn't seem to be working." Chu-Chu frowned. "And I read it had a unique talent for fun, too."

"Er, what's that mean?"

"Nothing, apparently."

"Well, it's not like any guys would ever be, like, interested in us anyway," Yuffie said. "I'm ugly and flat as a board, and you're, like... pink."

"Oh~~, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Yuffie," Selphie teased.

"Huh?"

"I was just talking to Zell, and like..." Selphie leaned next to Yuffie and lowered her voice. "He has a huge crush on you."

Yuffie's eyes widened and her face went pale. "Oh, gawd, like, you're kidding," she said.

"I'm not!" Selphie insisted.

Yuffie shook her head. "Gawd, why would someone have a crush on me? Everyone hates me 'n stuff."

"Don't be silly, Yuffie," Selphie chided. "I bet he wishes you'd talk to him instead of assuming no one will ever like you."

"Gawd, you're making this all up, I know it." Yuffie stared helplessly at Selphie. "So, uh, like, what do I do now?"

"Well, um... he doesn't know I told you, so don't say anything to him just yet. I'm going out shopping now but I'll be back in a bit ^_^." Selphie hurried off, giggling uncontrollably as soon as she was out of earshot.

Yuffie shook her head. "This is just, like... I don't believe this. Why would, like, Zell have a crush on me?"

"Yeah, and why can't I get any?" Chu-Chu suddenly spotted another of her would-be lovers and hurried over to harass him. "Oooh, looking good, Seify-kun! How about if I put you on my 'tough-nut-to-crack' list... if ya know what I mean..."

* * *

Back from her shopping trip, Selphie pulled into the Balamb Garden parking garage and parked her bright yellow PokéBeetle where Irvine was waiting. She slung her Rosa-Candida bag over her right shoulder and carefully pushed open the car door with her left while balancing a bouquet of flowers in her left. "Hi, Irvine ^_^!"

Irvine took the proferred flowers. "Why, what lovely flowers," he said.

"Hey!" Selphie snatched the bouquet back. "Those are for Zell, not you."

Irvine blinked. "Um..."

"Er, courtesy of Yuffie, that is ^^;;;," Selphie hastened to add. "She doesn't know I'm sending them for her, though."

"Ah, yes. Ha ha."

* * *

"Oh geez." Zell stared at the bouquet of flowers that arrived the next day. "From your secret admirer," the enclosed card had read. Now he was really up the crick. Yuffie didn't just have a crush on him, but was sending him flowers.

Profoundly humiliated, he pondered his next move. His initial face-saving reaction would be to trash the flowers and stay far away from Yuffie until she left him alone. But he had to wonder about what would happen if he actually reciprocated the attention -- a prospect which he had to admit had him scared.

Well, there was only way to find out. He reached for the phone. "Hey, uh, Selphie?"

"Hi, what's up?"

"Um... oh, crap, I don't know how to say this, but uh..." Zell could feel his cheeks flushing. "I think Yuffie sent me some flowers."

Selphie took a deep breath to keep herself from laughing. Zell was so adorably naïve. "Oh, how cute ^^;;," she managed. "She didn't even tell me."

"Yeah, but, uh..." Zell fidgeted. "Uh... what do I do?"

"You could send her some flowers too ^^," Selphie quickly suggested - perhaps a bit too quickly, but Zell would never notice.

"Okay, good idea; thanks." Zell hung up as quickly as possible. He took a deep breath and reached with a shaking hand for the phonebook to find the number of the florist's. What was he getting himself into now?

* * *

"Ohmigawd, Selphie," Yuffie gasped as soon as her friend had reponded to her urgent summons. "Zell, like, sent me flowers."

Selphie feigned surprise. "Awww, that's sweet ^^;;. So are you going to go the SeeD ball with him?" she asked hopefullly.

Yuffie cringed. "Um... maybe?" she whimpered.

"Well, if you want to go with him, you should get started right away," Selphie said. "You need to start dropping hints that you want him to ask you out."

"Yuffie, chu should use what I bought," Chu-Chu said, holding up a cardboard box. "Human pheromones! Forget the AIBO; this stuff is going to have guys falling over me in an instant."

"Uh... like, thanks, but no thanks."

Chu-Chu tore open the box. "Well, I'm going chu give this a try." She took a bottle out of the box and started drenching herself with it. "I'll just use half the bottle in case chu want the rest, Yuffie."

Yuffie scratched her head. "Why can't I just, like, ask him myself?"

"'cause that's not how you're supposed to get him to go to the ball, silly XP," Selphie said. "Also, you should pretend you're a lesbian."

Meanwhile, Zell had been creeping down the hallway outside Yuffie's room, trying to look casual while checking to see if Yuffie had received the flowers. Unfortunately, he made the fatal mistake of catching the eye of Chu-Chu.

"No, the way to get him to go to the ball is to go up to him and say 'Hello Zell, would you like to go to the SeeD ball with me?'" Yuffie said. "And why would I want to pretend I was gay if -"

"ZELL!" Chu-Chu bounded out of the room and threw her arms about his leg. "Notice anything... different about me?" she asked seductively.

"Um..." Zell paused to look her over. "No."

"Sure?" Chu-Chu rubbed against his leg. "I love chu long time," she whispered.

Selphie grabbed Chu-Chu under the arms and dragged her away from Zell. "Chu-Chu, leave the poor guy alone."

"I... um, yeah," Zell said, quickly continuing on his way.

* * *

Selphie arranged for Yuffie and Zell to meet again under more controlled circumstances. Chu-Chu had been sent off to gather lights from the MD Level, while Selphie and Yuffie were ostensibly planning in the library -- where Selphie had already told Zell that Yuffie "wanted" to meet him.

Selphie glanced over at the entrance and saw Zell coming into the library. "I have to go to the bathroom ^^," Selphie announced, rising. She scampered past Zell out of the library and crouched down outside the library to watch.

Zell stopped at the table where Yuffie was sitting. Yuffie looked up at him. "Uh... hi," he said apprehensively.

"Hey," said Yuffie. Selphie stealthily advanced to the back of a bookcase inside the library to get a better look.

The pair just sort of stared at each other, until - after much internal deliberation - Zell swallowed his pride and revulsion and asked, "So, uh, how's your band going?"

"Gawd, don't start on that!" Yuffie pleaded. "I know you're just going to complain about whatever we're doing because we're 'not punk enough'" -- she made quotation marks in the air with her fingers -- "or whatever."

"I was just asking -"

"And then when we do do punk stuff you say we're, like, ripping off the Wrolen Commission or whoever."

"Look, that's because your band is a rip-off of the Woren Comission. Or at least what they like before they sold out and added the kazoo guy on Recipe For Shisu."

"Yeah, well, complaining about people ripping off other people is, like, ripping off lots of other people who complain about people ripping off other people, so cram it up your shalashaska!" By this time, everyone else in the library was staring at them.

"Fine, then it'll be right where all your awful music came from!" Zell stormed off, throwing a "Go to hell!" over his shoulder.

* * *

Selphie looked up from her zoomed-in sniper scope as Nida stood guard beside her. "Aww, they're cute when they're fighting ^^;;;," Selphie said. "They're going to make such a great couple."

"Yes, and I suppose it's out of the question that they might honestly dislike each other." Nida rolled his eyes. "Why are you so set on getting them together, anyway?"

"Because I can :)."

* * *

Zell slammed his door shut in a rage. How was he was supposed to know that would piss Yuffie off? All he had asked was a innocent friendly question, and she started bitching at him when he was trying to be nice to her... and what the heck was a shalashaska, anyway?

Wait, what was he upset about? He didn't ask for Yuffie to have a crush on him in the first place. If they didn't get along, then this whole business would be over with. So why did he feel so bad that she was upset?

"Dammit, this sucks."

Chu-Chu popped up from underneath the bed. "Sympathy fuck?"

"No. Get away from me, you perv."

"No means yes, baby," Chu-Chu said. "Haven't you played Breath of Fire II?"

Zell stood up. "Okay, that does it. I'm hauling your furry pink ass to court."

* * *

"Thanks for letting me use your sniper thingy ^^;," Selphie said, handing the scope back to Irvine.

"No problem," Irvine said. "Say, are you doing anything this afternoon?"

Someone pounded on the door. "Selphie!" Zell bellowed.

"I guess I am now." Selphie sighed and went to answer it. "Hi, Zell ^^," she said, only at half her usual friendliness.

Zell was not in a pleasant mood either. "Does your little pink friend's mind ever get out of the gutter?" he demanded.

"I dunno... I think Chu-Chu's mind fell all the way down the gutter and into the sewer a long time ago O_O," Selphie said.

"Well, can you keep her perverted brain away from me in any case?" Zell pleaded. "I'm just asking you to make her take her sicko fantasies to someplace where they might be more appreciated."

"Like the Internet," Irvine suggested.

"Yeah, like the Internet. There's nothing but perverts on the Internet."

* * *

Yuffie sat on her bed and stared blankly at the wall. Gawd. Why did Zell say all those totally mean things about Least Common Denominator when he was sending her all those flowers 'n stuff? Like, whatever! Screw him.

Selphie poked her head in the room. "Yuffie?"

"Yeah?"

"Um... Zell asked me to tell you he was sorry for yelling at you," Selphie lied. "And, uh... he'd like to talk to you again sometime ^^."

Yuffie sighed. "Gawd, but, like, can I talk about? I hate talking to people."

"How about, um... writing him a song instead ^^?"

"A song?"

"Yeah, you can write it, and then we can record it," Selphie suggested. "I mean, all we do is trite, formulaic songs about teenage relationship problems, anyway, so it won't be much of a stretch ;P."

"That's stupid."

"Awww, come on, it'd be cute ^^."

"Yeah, but Zell'd just be all, like, 'This isn't punk and you guys suck' 'n stuff."

Selphie pursed her lips. "Hmm, that's true; I didn't think of that -_-," she said. "I suppose we could do some stupid punk song for him."

"You think so? Okay," Yuffie said. "We'll do it tomorrow or something."

Chu-Chu looked up from her Fangirl magazine for the first time. "Hey, if things don't pan out for you two, chu could always set me up with Zell instead."

"Um, Chu-Chu, that reminds me, I need to talk to you about you and Zell. Could you step outside for a second?"

"Okay." Chu-Chu said, more than willing to oblige her friend. She put down her magazine, hopped off the bed, and followed Selphie out into the hall.

Selphie knelt down to speak to her vertically-challenged friend. "Chu-Chu, Zell's not too happy with the way you've been, uh... extremely friendly with him lately :|. He thinks you're a pervert."

"He's right!"

"Well... that's the problem X_X," Selphie said. "I know things might be different for Chu-chupolin, but a lot of humans don't like listening to you tell stories at the dinner table about hermaphrodites who hump their cats."

"Oh come on. Everyone's a pervert... except for maybe Yuffie and Zell." Chu-Chu put her paws on her hips and fixed Selphie with a determined glare. "Chu humans are suchu stick-in-the-muds. If chu all have sex then what's the point in pretending that you don't?"

"Now don't you go and start making sense on me -_-;;;," Selphie said. "I'm supposed to be convincing you not to do that anymore oO."

"For Mambo's sake, Selphie, people like chu talk about sex. What's the problem?"

"Chu-Chu, the problem is that from listening to you, one would think that genitalia make up two-thirds of the human anatomy X_X," Selphie said. "Zell doesn't like it. So could you try to leave him alone for a while? Please ;_;?"

"But... chu already made me leave Irvine alone... and Angelo bit me... and Raijin is out for training and Rinoa is still insisting she's not interested in girls." Chu-Chu winked. "She's not fooling anyone."

"Er, uh, yes oO;;;;. Well, I bought you something that Irvy-poo suggested." Selphie took a small device out of her dress pocket and handed it to Chu-Chu. "It's a webcam. We thought you might find some fans on the 'net."

"Oh?" Chu-Chu said. "Do chu think lots of guys will be interested me on the Internet?"

"Well, let's see," Selphie thought for a second. "You're female, so... yes."

"Really? Wow!" Chu-Chu threw her arms about Selphie's leg. "Thanks, Selphie!" She tucked the webcam under one arm and bounced back towards her room. "I can't wait chu try it out!" Chu-Chu paused and looked back over her shoulder. "Say, how are easy are these things chu clean? Like, what if it gets all sticky or something?"

"Chu-Chu?"

"Yes?"

"Don't make me regret giving that to you X_X."

* * *

It was 1 a.m., but Zell was still pounding on Grats in the training area to let off steam. Yuffie hadn't said anything to him all day. He wondered what was going on. Had she gotten over him already? He couldn't really have expected her to be interested in him for very long but... it was just the other day that she had been talking about asking him to the SeeD ball and, well, he kinda wanted to go.

At least he could take solace in the fact that Chu-Chu wasn't talking to him either.

"Hi, Zell!"

"Oh no," Zell groaned. "I thought I'd gotten rid of you."

"Chu-Chu's like a bad penny. I always turn up."

Zell, however, was prepared. He pulled a knife out of his pocket and pointed it vaguely into the darkness that hid Chu-Chu. "Stay away from me," he hissed. "I don't want you harassing me."

"Excuse me, can I borrow that for a minute?" A dark-haired woman yanked the dagger out of Zell's hand and slipped away.

"Um... if you touch me, I'll scream," he threatened, moving on to Plan B.

"Oh, for the love of the Wondrous Mambo God, I just came chu tell chu that I wasn't going chu bother you any more."

"Oh." Zell relaxed.

"I got a webcam!" Chu-Chu explained. "It's great way chu pick up guys! I even had just a picture of my chair up for an hour while I was gone and when I came back some guy named Rufus was hitting on me."

"Eww!"

* * *

Humming to herself, Selphie carried her carefully gift-wrapped CD to the Garden mail room. "Hmm," she stopped to think. "I should probably add a little card to go with this ^^." Selphie grabbed a Post-It note and a pen and went to a table to write a note from Yuffie.

Quistis passed by on the way to collect her mail. "Hello, Selphie. How are you?"

"Quisty, sshhh," Selphie said, not looking up. "I'm forging a signature."

Quistis turned her eyes skyward, seeking patience. "Don't tell me you're still on your matchmaking crusade," she sighed.

"Yes, and you're next on my list >:)." Selphie paused to finish the fawning note, then stuck it on the wrapped jewel case and looked up. "We made this stupid punk song for Zell 'cause he's already complaining to Yuffie that our band isn't punk enough. I don't think they've figured out they like each other yet ;_;."

"Selphie, perhaps there's a lesson here that other people's love lives aren't toys for your amusement," Quistis said sternly. "You should know you can't make two people fall in love just because you think they'd make a cute couple."

"Yes I can!" Selphie stomped her foot. "I can do it! Nicorette can help!"

Quistis frowned. "Well, okay... I suppose there techincally is one way. With the forbidden powers of the Dojinimicon, you could turn any two people into a couple... but that can only be done by an experienced witch, so don't get any -"

Selphie brightened. "Really?" she interrupted. "Thanks, Quisty, you're the best ^__^!" She jammed the present into Zell's mailbox and took off on a beeline for Edea's office.

* * *

Backed by her fellow Turks, Elena stepped into Rufus Shinra's office. "Uh, Mr. President?" Elena said. "About those papers you asked me to type up..."

"Yes, what about them?"

"Um... I may have picked up the wrong papers by mistake, but what I have here appears to be a sexually explicit story involving Wong Fei Fong and the chair he narrates from."

"Yes," Rufus smirked. "It's kagu ai. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, but do you really think Fei is a furnisexual? I mean... I've never heard of any indication that he might like furniture..."

"Listen, you wiseass uncultured ninnies," Rufus smirked. "Fei and the chair are obviously lovers, and if you disagree, you're a close-minded bigot who can't accept others' furnisexuality."

"Stop smirking so much, boss," Reno said.

"But, Mr. President, It doesn't make any sense!" Elena protested. "What about Elly?"

Rufus smirked. "That's the sequel. Fei and the chair have a threesome."

* * *

Selphie burst unannounced into Edea's office. "Maaaaaatron ^_^!"

"Oh, er, hi, Selphie," Edea said. "How are you?"

"Fine ^_^," Selphie said. She twiddled her fingers as if she was bored, then started to make her move. "Say, Edea, do you think you could do me a favor?"

"This doesn't involve your 'Booyaka!' posters again, does it?"

"No... I need you to use the Dojinimicon to make Zell and Yuffie fall in love with each other."

Edea sighed. "Selphie, you should know I won't do that."

Selphie stared at Edea with huge eyes and frowned piteously. "Please?"

"I said no."

"But -"

"Listen, Selphie," Edea said. "You can't treat Zell and Yuffie like they're fictional characters whose personalities can be rewritten to suit your fantasies. If Zell and Yuffie want to get together, they can do without any help from you."

"Hmph." Selphie folded her arms and stomped out of the office.

Chu-Chu looked up from her waiting spot outside and saw the angry expression on her friend's face. "No luck?"

Selphie shook her head. "Do we know any other witches?"

* * *

Eiko was just getting to the good part of her dream about band camp when Aunt Maitreya poked her head into Eiko's bedroom. "Eiko, I'm going down to Coneria to shop," the aging witch said. "I'll be back for dinner. Take care of the brooms, and answer the phone if it rings."

"Okay," Eiko mumbled sleepily. As soon as her aunt left the room, she pulled the pillow up around her head and tried to will herself back to sleep. Her attempted nap was soon interrupted, however, when the phone beside her bed rang. Eiko mechanically grabbed the receiver with one hand and pulled it into the bed. "Um, Eiko Carol speaking for Maitreya the witch," she mumbled.

"Hi, Eiko ^__^! This is Selphie Tilmitt from SeeD... I met you in New York, remember?"

"Uh... yeah," Eiko asserted after a moment's hesitation.

"Um... I have a huge favor to ask of you, and I don't really know what I can do in return, but... see, I have these two friends that I'm trying to get together, and they refuse to fall in love, so I need a witch to use a book called the Dojinimicon to turn them into a couple. The people are Zell Dincht and Yuffie Kisaragi; they go to Balamb Garden."

"Okay... I guess I can try to have the brooms do that."

"Really? That's super; thanks ^___^. I'd like to chat but I'm calling all the way from FF VIII so this is a long-distance call.... so, er, bye ^^;;."

Eiko shoved the receiver back onto the phone, then sat up and snapped her fingers. One of Maitreya's walking brooms shuffled into the room. "Broom!" Eiko commanded. "I want you to find the, uh, Dojinimicon to make... uh, some people at Balamb Garden fall in love with each other." The broom silently accepted its orders, did an about-face, and waddled back the way it had come.

Eiko curled up and went back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that the brooms would do their job...

* * *

Selphie and Chu-Chu bounced into Irvine's dorm room. "Iiiiiirvy-poo~~" Selphie called as Chu-Chu stood guard at the door. "Want to go down to the Balamb Arboretum with me and Zell and the girls?"

"The arboretum? Sure, but what brings that up? Have you taken an interest in forestry, Sefie?"

Selphie lowered her voice. Though there was no else nearby but Chu-Chu, she felt it necessary when talking about any sort of secret plan. "Well, our plan is to get Zell and Yuffie alone and then ditch them and come back by ourselves... 'cause everyone knows any two people trapped together will always fall in love."

"Yeah, assuming they don't come to blows first," Irvine said.

"Come to blows?"

"Stop it, Chu-Chu."

"But they don't know about it yet, so don't say anything to them," Selphie continued in hushed tones.

"Shhh! Here comes Yuffie!" Chu-Chu cautioned from the door.

Yuffie strode into the room. "Hey," she announced. "I'm, like, ready to go 'n stuff."

"Okay ^__^!"

The four started to merge into one group as they left the room. Yuffie hurried over to Chu-Chu and crouched beside her. "I got the Ragnarok keys from Selphie like you asked," she whispered.

"Thank chu!" Chu-Chu furtively took the keys from Yuffie and stuffed them in her purse. "Um... Chu-Chu doesn't feel chu good," she suddenly announced to the group. "I think I'm going chu stay home." She turned and took off in the opposite direction from the others, eager to embark on her all-important mission of revenge.

* * *

Hoisting the Dojinimicon like a pair of ants, a pair of Maitreya's brooms approached Balamb Garden. The two animated pieces of furniture obediently proceeded to the next stop in their master's instructions: To make some people at Balamb Garden fall in love. The brooms set the tome down and invoked its powers.

But "some people," of course, did have not to be just two people. Since they had received no orders to stop, the brooms continued to carry out their mission. They cast the spell again... and again... and again...

* * *

Selphie, Irvine, Zell, and Yuffie strolled through the Balamb Arboretum. "Um, is this place just, like, a bunch of trees 'n stuff?"

"It's an arboretum, Yuffie ^^."

"Gawd, I'm bored already."

"Aww, come on, just give it a chance; it'll be fun ^^. I bet you won't be bored later O:)."

"Yeah, whatever."

The group of four plodded through the forest. Yuffie and Zell paid attention to their surroundings, walking ahead of the others to get this inane trip over with as soon as possible. Meanwhile, Selphie continued looking for an opportune moment to make a getaway. She just hoped she could keep their attention long enough to get a chance.

"This place sucks," Zell announced.

"Oh, come on, there's, uh, all sorts of interesting nature stuff here." Selphie looked around for something marginally interesting that she could use to back up her point. "Uh, look here, it says that the blue alder is the Balamb Arboretum's Tree of the Month."

"Wow, Tree of the Month," Zell said sarcastically. "That's quite a honor."

"Yeah, this tree sucks anyway," Yuffie jumped in, eager for a chance to complain. "They should have made, like, one of those Wutai cherry trees Tree of the Month."

"Dude, I'm so sick of hearing about -"

Yuffie didn't even let him finish the sentence. "Gawd, Zell, why do you always complain about everything I say? You're such -"

"You're the one who's always starting it!" Zell shouted over Yuffie's voice. "If you weren't so stupid..."

Selphie nodded to Irvine. The two slipped away and ran for the PokéBeetle, leaving Yuffie and Zell to bicker by themselves.

* * *

It was a dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But high on the 70th floor of the Shinra Building, one man was still drawing pictures of chairs with angel wings.

"Mr. President! Mr. President!" Reeve called over the emergency speakerphone. "There's some huge pink thing attacking the city!"

Rufus looked over his shoulder out the window. Chu-Chu was stomping across Midgar in giant form, crushing cars and buildings underfoot. "My God, it's headed right for us!" he exclaimed.

Chu-Chu tore through a train track in her way. Helicopters circled her, firing desperately, but the bullets had no impact on her massive frame. Rufus turned back to his desk. "Dammit! What the hell are you doing?" he shouted. "Get out the Sister Ray!"

"Oh my God, it's climbing up the Shinra Building!" Reeve cried.

"What the hell am I paying you idiots for?" Rufus raged. "Get it off! If this thing touches my door..."

A giant pink face appeared before Rufus' window. "I've got chu now!" Chu-Chu's fist smashed through the giant glass window and plucked the helpless Rufus from his seat. She began to back down the building.

"Let go of me!" Rufus shrieked.

"Not until chu take bad what chu wrote about Fei, chu bad bad man!"

"I'm the president of the Shinra Corporation! I'll write whatever the hell what I want to write!"

"But it's not like Fei-sama at all! He would never have sex with a chair!"

They were down to the 41st floor now. The helicopters opened fire on Chu-Chu again. "Stop shooting, you idiots!" Rufus screamed, fearing for his life. He looked back up at his captor. "Yeah, so what?"

"And the writing is awful!"

35th floor. "Yeah, so what?"

"None of it makes sense!" Chu-Chu fumed. "Chu're just sticking two completely random things chugether. It's like not Fei's character at all!"

"Yeah, so what? I think you're just jealous because I think Fei's chair is hot and not you."

21st floor. "I'm defending Fei-sama's honor!" Chu-Chu insisted. "He loves me and only me! Chu weren't even close to making him like the real Fei."

12th floor. "Yeah, so what?" Rufus repeated. "You think he's any more likely to get with a perverted pink rat like you than a chair? Get real!"

5th floor. Rufus tried to swriggle out of Chu-Chu's grasp. "What the hell is your problem, anyway? What does it matter to you what I want to write about?"

Chu-Chu stepped down to the parking lot and marched off with Rufus still clutched in her fist. "Hey! I'm talking to you, you furry monster! If you don't like it, why are you reading it? Are you listening to me?"

* * *

Selphie giggled all the way back to Balamb Garden, so much so that she twice almost ran off the road. "I hope Eiko's spell worked too," she said, rubbing her hands with glee. "Tee hee, I can't wait to see them together at the SeeD ball!"

"Hey, don't forget who else is going to be at the ball," Irvine said.

"Oh, I won't, Irvy-poo~ ^_~." Selphie giggled and hugged him.

Selphie frowned as soon as soon they stepped inside Balamb Garden. "I feel funny ¬_¬." She shuddered.

"What's wrong, Sefie?" Irvine put an arm around her shoulders.

Selphie jerked his hand away. "Hey, get away from me! You're not my boyfriend anymore! I'm leaving you for Squall!" She slapped Irvine and stormed off. As she ran, her head and eyes began to grow while the rest of her body shrunk.

"What the heck?" Irvine exclaimed as his skin and hair paled and wings sprouted from his back.

* * *

Nida jumped off the elevator to third floor of Balamb Garden. "Headmaster? Ms. Kramer? Something terrible's happened..." He looked around. "Hello?"

Nida tenatively pushed open the door of Cid's office, only to find Biggs and Wedge having sex on the desk inside. He quickly shielded his eyes and slammed the door shut. "Oh my God, they yaoified Biggs and Wedge!"

"Nida!" Seifer shouted. Nida turned to see the head of the Disciplinary Committee looming in front of him. "Let me tell ya 'bout my ROMANTIC dream!"

Nida rolled his eyes. "Romantic dream, my ass."

Seifer gasped. "How did you know?"

"Augh!" Nida dived past Seifer into the elevator and slammed the "Down" button.

* * *

"Okay, fine, whatever, the cherry tree is better," Zell rolled his eyes. "Are you happy now?"

"Gawd, I was just -- hey, where did everyone go?" Yuffie asked, looking around.

Zell shrugged.

"Selphie? Irvine?" She frowned. "Ugh, I wonder if they went to, like, go do gross stuff." Yuffie glanced over at her unwelcome companion. "Gawd, don't tell me I'm stuck with you," she said, trying to avoid making eye contact with him. Did Zell still have a crush on her? Why was he always saying all those mean things about Least Common Denominator?

Well, I guess she really doesn't like me, Zell thought. That was to be expected, of course -- but he had to admit he missed the ego boost he got from knowing that at least one girl thought he was cute.

Yuffie realized Zell was staring at her and panicked. "I'm, uh, going to go see if they're in the car," she said, quickly backing away.

* * *

"This place is a madhouse!" Nida raged into the telephone. He'd managed to track down a suspicious Final Fantasy I phone number in Selphie's long distance record and gotten in contact with Maitreya. "Selphie ditched Irvine for Squall, Rinoa and Quistis are lesbians, and Irvine and Seifer are fighting over Zell's affections."

Vincent Valentine tapped Nida on the shoulder. "Hey, have you seen Yuffie around here?"

Nida cupped a hand over the receiver. "No. Go away." He turned to speak into the receiver again. "And all the girls' breasts have tripled in size, all the guys have long hair and angel wings, and Seifer has started chain smoking! I'm only normal because no one cares enough to write fanfics about me."

Seifer burst into the room. "Nida!" he exclaimed. "This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred, I mean love, for me." He spread his arms wide.

"Oh shit!" Nida hurled the phone at Seifer and jumped out the window.

* * *

"Hello? Hello?" Maitreya repeated into the unresponsive telephone. She eventually gave up at trying to reach Balamb Garden and hung up. "Eiko Carol!" she called. "You are in deep trouble, young lady!"

Eiko shuffled out of her room. "Yes?"

"You will reverse the spell you cast right now!" Maitreya commanded. "You've caused a lot of trouble at Balamb Garden. Can't I leave this cave for even a minute without you wreaking havoc?"

"But I didn't cast the spell. The brooms did."

"And where are the brooms?"

Eiko thought for a moment, then reasoned, "Probably still at Balamb Garden."

"But... that means they'll be as sex-crazed as everyone else," Maitreya said. "Oh, what in heaven's name are we going to do? Everyone's gone out completely out of character!"

"I didn't mean to! I'm sorry!" Eiko wailed. She sniffled. "By the way, speaking of out of character... shouldn't I be in Lindblum right now?"

* * *

Nida pounded on Chu-Chu's dorm door. "Chu-Chu!" he shouted, praying she hadn't fallen under the spell too.

Chu-Chu opened the door. "Hi, Nida, baby," she said. "You're looking mighty bishounen today. Want chu have XXX anal facial oral lolita gangbang teen hardcore action?"

"Oh, thank goodness, you haven't changed," Nida said. "Look, I need to use your phone real quick; I'll be just a sec."

"Um... okay. Don't mind the man tied up in the corner."

Nida sprinted past her and called Maitreya again. "Sorry, I had to run," he apologized. "What's the status? Are you reversing the spell?"

"We've got a problem," Maitreya reported. "The spell can only be reversed by its original caster, and my talking brooms were the ones that actually cast it."

"And?"

"The brooms are somewhere in your Garden," Maitreya said. "The problem is that they'll be under the spell too. Which unfortunately means that there's probably only one way you'll be able to get them to listen to you..."

"Listen, lady, if you think I'm going to seduce a broom, then you -"

"Seduce a broom?" Rufus looked up.

"So, how do I reverse the spell, cute stuff?" a naked Rufus asked the broom laying beside him.

"TCELES B HSUP."

* * *

Yuffie returned to Zell, shaking her head despairingly. "Gawd, their car is gone," she reported. "They must have, like, left without us or something."

"Dammit!" Zell punched the air. "What the hell where they thinking? Don't tell me we're gonna be stuck here until they come back looking for us."

"Looks like it." Yuffie put her hands in her pockets and sighed.

The pair stared uncomfortably at each other. The last thing either of them wanted to be was stuck here with the other, where they might have to talk to each other or something. "So, uh, did you get a chance to listen to the song I sent you?" Yuffie asked hopefully.

"Yes!" Zell said, instantly roused into indignant fury. "It sucks! Sucks super monkey balls!"

Yuffie blinked. "But... but... we made it, like, all political and stuff and with random shouting and you can't understand a word Selphie says!"

"Yeah, what the hell were you thinking, sell-outs!? You're not supposed to make real music! I mean... throughout everything that's happened in the past two years, Least Common Denominator's irredeemable crappiness was the one thing I could always count on! You've let down all the people that have loyally belittled you for all these years! Now I have to find a new band to hate!"

"But, like, you kept saying we need to make real music," Yuffie protested. "Don't tell me you were, like, lying or something."

"Yeah, basically." Zell shook his head. "Dammit, Yuffie, don't you realize what you've done? Now we're going to have to go back to complaining about Blink-182. You just set the entire punk scene back by eighteen months!"

"Well, you, like, should have something earlier," Yuffie said. "I thought you meant all of that stuff you said."

"You should have known better! We needed you guys! Your abject awfulness was the target of abuse that all true punks measured themselves by!"

"Gawd, why are you always so obsessed with what other people do?" Yuffie said. "You're such a poser."

"Poser? Those are fightin' words, Yuffie." Zell clenched his fists and crouched into a fighting stance.

"Corporate whore!" Zell shoved her back.

* * *

Removed from the chaos in the rest of Balamb Garden, Rinoa and Quistis embraced at the back of the training grounds. Just as their lips were about to touch, there was a bright flash and their breasts shrunk several cup sizes.

Rinoa stared at Quistis's face and did a double-take, wondering what the hell she was doing. "Aieeeee!" she shrieked, shoving Quistis away. "Save me, Squall!" She took off running.

Quistis sighed. "I never get any."

Chu-Chu poked her head over the railing. "I can fix that, baby. Do chu want to be uke or seme?"

* * *

"All right, that's it!" Zell raced at Yuffie, his fist raised ready to strike. Yuffie grabbed his arm and flung him over her shoulder. Zell quickly rolled back to his feet and attacked Yuffie with a roundhouse kick to her stomach. As Yuffie defended the blow, Zell grabbed her and put her into a headlock.

* * *

Selphie delivered a sharp slap to Squall as she reverted from lolicon form. "What the hell are you doing X_X?" she shouted. "And, for, that matter, what the heck was I doing ;_;?"

Rinoa raced down out of the training center, screaming. "Save me, Squall!" she cried, diving at him from behind and throwing her arms around him.

"What's going on?" Squall asked.

"Quistis was, uh -"

"Help!" Quistis dashed out with Chu-Chu bouncing after her.

"Come back, Quisty-chan!" Chu-Chu wailed. "I KISS CHU!"

Quistis suddenly jumped to the side. Chu-Chu kept rolling, tumbled over the railing, and landed with a splash in the water. "Oooh, you're making me all wet now," Chu-Chu said as she bobbed back to the surface.

Quistis rolled her eyes. "Chu-Chu, most of us outgrew that sort of humor twelve years ago."

Chu-Chu dog-paddled her way back to the rotunda. "Yeah, but being churude is a lot easier than being creative," she explained simply.

Nida came walking down the circular walkway. "Hey... is everything back to normal now?" he inquired of the group.

Rinoa stomped her foot. "Do you know what's going on here, Nida?"

"Well, all this is because someone -" he shot a glare at Selphie "- had to go and cast a spell to try to make Zell and Yuffie Kisaragi fall in love. Unfortunately, things went a little... overboard."

"Say, where are Yuffie and Zell anyway?" Quistis asked Selphie. "I thought they were going to the arboretum with you and Irvine."

"Um... the Blair Witch got them ^^;;;;?" Selphie said nervously.

"Selphie," Quistis narrowed her eyes, "what did you do with them?"

"Um... we got them together at the arboretum and then ditched them and came home," Selphie confessed. "If they're stuck together, they'll fall for each other eventually ^_~."

"...whatever," Squall said.

"You left your friends in the middle of the forest and drove away?" Quistis groaned. "What were you thinking?"

"But isn't it so romantic?" Selphie sighed. "They're probably making out right now."

* * *

Yuffie ducked under Zell's swinging fist and elbowed him in the stomach. She followed with an uppercut to the face. Zell sprang at Yuffie and tackled her to the ground. Yuffie kicked him in the stomach and squirmed out of his grasp. As Zell climbed back to his feet, Yuffie backed off and armed with herself with a fallen tree branch.

* * *

"Selphie, you can't just leave them out in the wilderness without any warning; they don't have any food and they could get lost or hurt," Quistis said. "We have to go back out to the arboretum to look for them right now. Do you remember where you left them?"

"Um... yeah... unless they left ^^."

Chu-Chu fished herself out of the water and shook herself dry. Quistis glared at the small creature over the top of her glasses. "Chu-Chu, were you in on this plot too?"

"Plot? What plot?"

"The one to leave your friends trapped in the woods."

"Oh dear," Chu-Chu admitted. "Yes."

Quistis motioned for her to follow the group. "Come on. I think you two owe Zell and Yuffie an apology."

* * *

Zell charged towards Yuffie again. Yuffie swung her branch with both hands and clobbered him in the head. The SeeD grunted in pain and dropped to the ground.

Yuffie hesitated. Her branch-wielding arm fell down to her side. "Zell?" she said, praying he would jump back up and resume attacking her. "Uh, Zell?" There was no response. "Oh gawd."

What a surprisingly unsatisfying victory. Sure, she'd knocked out Zell, but there wasn't even anyone around to appreciate it. It was a lot more fun fighting him when he was hitting back. Yuffie looked around, hoping someone would bail her out of this situation. She hadn't really meant to hurt him. Now she was really in trouble.

"Yuffie? Zell?" Selphie called from the distance.

"Selphie!" Yuffie cried in relief. "I'm over here!"

Selphie, Quistis, and Chu-Chu arrived in person a few minutes again. "There you guys - oh no, what happened to Zell X_X?"

Yuffie quickly chucked the offending branch behind a tree. "Um, I like, hit him with a tree branch 'n stuff," she admitted. "But he started it! He said our band sucked super monkey balls and were sellouts for taking his advice!"

"I guess this means you guys didn't get it on, then?"

"What!?" Yuffie howled. "Gawd, no, Chu-Chu, that's, like, totally gross! How could you say something like that?"

"Um..." Chu-Chu looked up at Selphie, waiting for her to say something.

"Yuffie... um, we'd better wait until Zell wakes up -_-. Can you help me carry him back to the car?"

* * *

Zell woke up in the car on the way home. "Um, are you okay?" Yuffie asked, looking over at him.

"Huh?" Zell winced and looked around; he soon realized where they are. "Huh? Did you guys come back after I bonked my head?"

"Gawd, you didn't 'bonk your head'; I hit you with a tree branch."

"Well, same difference."

"Um... I suppose I'd better tell you guys now :|," Selphie said.

"Tell us what?"

"Like... I don't know if you figured this out or not, but I, uh, told both of you guys that you had crushes on each other," Selphie admitted. "And, ah, I made all that up." Unable to face her friends' reaction, she turned away and hid her face in her hands, blushing profusely.

"What?" Yuffie said. "You mean, like, we didn't actually like each other?"

"I, um, I'm not sure what to say," Zell mumbled.

"Gawd, like, I can't believe we spent all this time hating each other for nothing." Yuffie said. "I feel so empty now."

"Well, we can still hate each other, but just as friends."

"Yeah," Yuffie agreed. "I guess it was, uh fun... all this stuff? I mean, uh, I had more fighting you than winning. I, like, didn't actually want to knock you out... or something..."

"It's okay, everyone needs something to hate," Zell agreed. "Like... I didn't really mean all those things I said about your band; I just liked complaining about it, okay?"

Chu-Chu pursed her lips. "I guess I should apologize chu Rufus chu," she said. "I don't want chu to him stop writing his kagu ai stories after all... I mean, it's not like they're chu-ing any harm. And besides, Chu-Chu has too muchu fun complaing about them!"

"Yeah. Everyone needs to get the stick out of their ass," Zell concluded.

Chu-Chu scowled. "I'm still waiting for someone to put a stick in my -"

"Hush, Chu-Chu." Selphie turned around. "So does this mean you guys are going to the SeeD ball together?"

"I dunno," Zell remarked, scratching the back of his neck. "I'd just as soon stay home and play video games."

"Yeah," Yuffie agreed. "Me too."

"What?" Selphie howled, raising her hands to her forehead in horrified shock. "But you can't - That's not how -"

"ChuChu Rocket?" Yuffie suggested to Zell.

"I'll be there."

"You can't - I - you - " Selphie slumped down in her seat. "What a waste of time ;_;."

"Oh, now you're telling me," Zell said bitterly. "This whole story had no climax, no point, and no meaning."

"Oh, there were plenty of climaxes, baby," Chu-Chu said with a wink.

"Yeah, can we, like, get a new ending? This one sucks."

* * *

Zell and Yuffie were suddenly sitting together in the Garden cafeteria, while Selphie and Quistis quietly observed them from a table some distance behind Zell. "Yuffie, can I, uh, ask you a question?"

"Uh... what?"

"Did you ever actually send me any flowers?"

"Flowers? No."

"That's what I was afraid of," Zell said. He glared into the distance at Selphie, hoping she'd notice the gesture.

"But, um... I could if you'd, uh, like me to."

Zell blushed again. "Uh... sure. That would be... uh, sweet."

Quistis leaned over to whisper to Selphie. "Selphie, I suppose I should tell you that what you did was wrong, but... well, they are cute together."

"^_________^."

Zell shook his head. "God, I still can't believe that half the stuff you did was actually Selphie."

"Yeah, me neither... but, um, I'm glad she did it."

"Yuffie!"

Selphie rolled her eyes at the pair and began scribbling something on her napkin with a marker.

"I mean, I, um, I guess I like you 'n stuff." Yuffie covered her face with her hands. "Gawd, this is so embarassing."

"Well... I like you."

Selphie held up her unfolded napkin, on which she had written "KISS HER, YOU IDIOT!" Zell turned an even brighter red as soon as he saw the directive but was unable to take his eyes off it, transfixed by the suggestion of something that he had really, really not been considering.

Yuffie realized that Zell was looking over her shoulder at some point behind her. She turned. "What -?" Yuffie's eyes widened in horror. "Ohmigawd, Selphie! Grossness!" Yuffie sprang out of her chair, raced across the room, and tore the napkin from Selphie's hands. Selphie covered her face and shrank back defensively. Yuffie wadded up the napkin and threw it with disgust into Selphie's face, then stormed back to her table. "Um, sorry about that, Zell." She looked quizically at his distant expression. "Er, Zell?"

Zell suddenly seized Yuffie by the shoulders, kissed her on the lips, and fled out the cafeteria door.

Yuffie blinked. "Gawd," she said, and fainted.