"Mother" and "Daughter"

[05.20.01] » by Indigo Ice

Author's note: This story is based upon what we, the authors, thought to be the feminine appearance of Laguna Loire of the game "Final Fantasy VIII", especially in the stats screen drawing. We feel that at some point he could possibly have been mistaken for a woman. What if he was? This story develops this question.
Also, please note that this story is purely humour, and almost all events pertaining to Squall Leonhart's past are ignored; logic in the timeline, various situations and or factors in the game have been twisted for satirical purposes.
Enjoy! Please read and review! Thanks!

Aboard the majestic Ragnarok, Selphie Tilmitt, the ever-optimistic SeeD, doted on her Sir Laguna.

"Oh, you were so brave in the dream world!" she squealed, jumping from foot to foot. In response to her gushing, Laguna merely smiled politely.

Unbeknownst to the two, a leather-clad figure stepped into the room. Squall Leonhart observed the scenario spread out before him.

Selphie swirled around and grinned. "Hey, Squall! What'cha doin'?"

Remaining impassive, Squall shrugged indifferently. On the sidelines, Ward's face signaled a hidden message to Kiros, who in turn nodded. He motioned for everyone's attention. "Guys, we should leave Squall and Laguna alone. They have a lot of catching up to do…"

Turning to leave, Selphie stopped abruptly. She scanned the two faces thoughtfully. Suddenly, her face lit up. "Hey! You two look like a fa - pheu amph phun!"

Zell's fingers hindered her speech as his hand clasped over her incessantly moving mouth. "Ignore her," he instructed before dragging the rambunctious girl off the scene.

Puzzled by his friends' behaviour, Squall strode over to the silent president, his eyes probing for clues.

Laguna frowned. "What is it?"

Thoughts churned in Squall's head. What was it that Selphie had tried to say? Out of the blue, his mind tripped over the all too obvious answer. Staring into those lustrous green eyes, his doubt washed away, drowned in familiarity. Could this be true? It was every orphan's dream! Stepping forward, arms wide open, he cried out in revelation, "Mommy!"

Laguna froze in horror. Immediately, his jaw clenched; his hands balled into fists. With a great deal of effort, he suppressed the urge to scream in frustration. Between his teeth he growled, "Look closer…"

Taken aback by the president's anger, all hope of the orphan's dream shattered, he sat down, half-heartedly contemplating. Memories drifted through his head. His mind turned to the only sister he ever had. Or was Ellone his only sister? Hesitantly, he suggested, "…Sister?"

Laguna's fists clenched a little more, and his teeth ground audibly. "Look CLOSER…" He noticed Squall lower his head into his arms in deep thought. His memories found an opportunity to surround him with the past…

"Hey, beautiful! What say you and me go dancing sometime?"

There were snickers and wolf-whistles as Laguna Loire made his way through the group of jeering soldiers. Angrily, he addressed his commanding officer. "With all due respect, Sir, this has got to stop! I can't go five centimetres without some jerk commenting on my appearance!"

The lieutenant smiled. "We'll fix everything for ya, Toots. You've got nothing to worry about, Sweetheart!"

Reddening, the disgruntled soldier stormed off. Behind him, more comments were thrown at him.

"Where'r you hidin' your pink-satin lingerie, baby?"

Rough hands grabbed him around the waist. Before he could defend himself, Laguna found himself held in an uncomfortably tight cuddle. Another Galbadian soldier cooed in his ear, "Hey, Sugar! I'd really like to see you in a bikini!"

Elbowing his attacker hard in the ribs, he resumed his frustrated voyage to the safety of his quarters. Or so he thought…

The display that greeted his eyes was far from comforting. He slapped his forehead and groaned, "Oh, no…"

Apparently, the other soldiers had gotten into his room. Silky dresses hung in the place of military uniforms, and high heels adorned the shelves. Lipstick and other cosmetics littered his bureau while his razor was replaced with that of a woman. His towel was gone; in its place hung a pink one reading "Hers." But that was not the worst of it.

On his bed was a scantily clad soldier patting the mattress seductively. Running out in fury, he grabbed for the half-filled out resignation papers under his tunic and fled the scene in the direction of the major's office.

The memory still infuriated Laguna. His cheeks burned with remembered humiliation. Across from him, Squall's voice caught his attention. "But if Laguna is not my mother," the youth mused to himself, "who could it be?"

More memories flowed through Laguna's mind…

Baby Squall looked up at his father with adoring gray eyes. The mouth moved promisingly.

Laguna grinned and gently coaxed, "Come on, Squally! Say it. Say 'Dada'!"

Tiny nose scrunched in concentration, the baby tried to form the word. "Da…"

"Yes! Come on!"

Little Squall blinked and blurted out, "Mama!"

Laguna cried out in rage. "This is the tenth bloody time he's done this!"

Behind them, the door opened, and Raine walked in. She giggled, "Don't be so hard on him, dear. He's only seven months old!"

"Don't talk! It's all your fault, anyway!"

"Don't blame me," Raine shrugged. "Maybe if you cut your hair and got rid of that earring-"

"Maybe…if I grew a beard, became a cussing pilot and called myself 'Cid', he would call me Daddy," Laguna mocked sarcastically.

Squall squealed in delight and clapped his little hands. "Mommy become Ciddy!"

"Ohhhh…shut up you stupid little kid!"

"Laguna!" Raine scolded. "Don't talk to him that way!"

"Oh-oh! Other Mommy's in twouble wif' Mommy!"

Laguna chose that time to make his exit before he burst a vein.

Zooming forward to the present, the president of Esthar slowly counted to ten.

Reluctantly, Squall tried another guess, "…Auntie?"

Close to shaking, Laguna resumed grinding his teeth. "Look…CLOSER…"

Gazing in extreme puzzlement at his relation, Squall continued pondering. This allowed yet another memory to creep over Laguna…

There were streaming lights and merriment everywhere. All of his friends and family were there for the momentous occasion. After so much work, he was finally being inaugurated as president of Esthar. Laguna sipped his wine happily. Nothing could go wrong tonight.

A young scientist, Piet, nervously stood up at the head of the table. He cleared his throat several times before speaking. "I would like to make a toast," he raised his glass, "to the first female president of Esthar! This is certainly a milesto-"

"WHAT?!"

All heads turned to the new president. Laguna looked traumatized as he spoke. "What did you say?!"

Piet looked slightly shaken and surprised. "I said you were the first female president…"

"I'm a MAN!"

Piet paled along with most of the guests. "You…you ARE?"

Impatiently, Laguna growled, "Have you figured it out yet? It's been," he glanced at his watch, "six hours."

Apologetically, Squall assured, "I'm working on it, Ma'am."

Clenching his fists even harder, knuckles whitening, Laguna winced, "I'll give you a tiny hint…you address me as 'Sir.'"

The words sparked a strange memory in Squall's head…

Four-year-old Squall cried over the splinter in his thumb. "Mommy! Mommy! I want Mommy!"

Concerned, Raine rushed over to her son. "I'm here, Sweetie!"

"Not you! Other Mommy!"

Raine stopped, puzzled. Her face lit up in understanding. "Ohhhhhhhhh…Laguna!" she called, Squall wants you!"

Unshed tears in his eyes, Squall finally drew his conclusion. This was no mother. He reached forward to embrace the one he loved. His orphan's dream was fulfilled. "DAD!"

Green eyes bursting into tears of joy, Laguna stepped forward to meet his son's embrace. All the while, he repeated in a voice choked with emotion, "I've been waiting seventeen years for you to say that!"

And that, our friends, was the reunion of a loving mother and daughter - d'I mean mother and son - d'I mean father and daughter - d'I mean…father and son.