You Never Forget

[03.29.01] » by Chad Harger


Fei awoke screaming. His heart thumping against his chest. Sweat drenched his body. Beside him in the bed, Elly looked at him with concern. "Is it the dream again?" she asked.

Fei nodded. The dream he had been having lately. Every time he woke up screaming the dream would flit away like a leaf on the wind and he could not recall it.

Fei saw the concern Elly's face. Unlike the rest of the world who lost the ability to use Ether and Gears, Fei could use both because of his meeting with the Wave Existence. There would be times when people would give him nervous looks because of Id. He and Citan had to reassure the world that Id was now a bad memory. As he looked at Elly, Fei had to wonder. He hoped he was not going to regret what he was about to ask. "Do you believe Id is coming back?" he asked.

Elly shook her head. "No," she said quickly.

Fei sighed. "Elly, you are a lousy liar. You are scared."

Elly became angry. "What do you want me say? That Id is making another attempt? I love you more than life. I also have the fear the man I love will be consumed by Id."

"Between the Wave Existence and my father, they helped me heal my mind," said Fei.

Elly shook her head. She did not care for the Wave Existence. Soon after Fei rescued her from Deus and Krelian, Elly discovered she carried Miang's memories. Elly now carried the memories of both Miang's and the first Elhaym's creation. What Deus and the Wave Existence put them through when creating them and fighting to possess them was unforgivable. "I think you should see Citan."

"No!" said Fei. His sudden outburst was strange to both of them. Fei calmed down. "Citan is a busy man. Anyway, I can't go running to him whenever something goes wrong with me."

Elly wondered how Fei could be wrong. Citan hand more time on his hands than anyone she knew. He practically retired from the world to be with his family. Elly did not want to lie to Fei but he needed help. "I have to go to Nisan in a couple of days. You think you'll be fine by yourself?"

"I'll be fine," said Fei.

Elly reached over and held him. Fei tried to return the hug. He found he could not. He needed help and for some reason he did not want to ask Citan. One thing he was thankful for was that whatever it was that was bothering was not Id or Grahf or any other memories that were not his own. The question was, what was haunting his dreams?


Elly landed the shuttle in front of Citan's house. He and his family refused to move down from the mountain. She walked to the front door and knocked. A few moments later Yui opened the door. Yui smiled and said, "Elly, it has been a long time. Please, come in."

"T-thank you," said Elly. Elly sighed. Every time she was around Yui, she felt embarrassed. It was the calm around Yui that Elly only felt once before. That was when Sophia manifested herself after fighting Sulful Mass. Elly entered and noticed the place had not changed.

"Would you like some tea or coffee?" asked Yui.

Elly's eyes lit up. Growing up coffee had been a luxury. With the war over, coffee bean fields popped up all over the place. "Coffee."

Yui nodded and went back to the kitchen. "Citan is in his workshop," said Yui. "He is trying to fix the music box. He should be back in a few minutes."

Elly did not even bother to ask how Yui knew she wanted to see Citan. Although she did have a good idea. "Is Midori around?" asked Elly.

Yui returned with two cups of coffee. She handed Elly a glass then sat down. "She's spending a month with Primera," answered Yui. "What brings you here?"

Elly took a long sip of coffee. "Its Fei. Something is wrong." Elly sighed. "Again."

"Id?" asked Yui.

"Thankfully, no. Its this dream he keeps on having. He wakes up screaming. He can't remember it either," answered Elly.

Yui's cup slipped from her hand. It shattered from her hand. "Sorry," said Yui. She closed her eyes and said, "Go back to Fei and be with him. One thing I have learned is that there is times that may be short. For me it was all those times Citan was away from me while traveling with Fei. For Citan it was when Shevat fell and everyone believed I had died. Go be with Fei and comfort him."

"He needs help!" yelled Yui.

"I will talk to Citan," said Yui.

Elly's eyes narrowed. "What are you hiding?"

Yui's expression did not change. She got up and went to the kitchen and returned with a mop. "Go home Elhaym. Go to him before you lose him. You two are the last Contact and Anti-Type. You both survived the fires that claimed those who came before you. Go and be at peace."

"How can I when Fei is like that?" asked Elly.

"I do not know Fei like you or Citan," admitted Yui. "As I said, I will talk to Citan. You once told me Sophia had patience and I think you can draw upon that."

Elly shook her head. "I'll trust you for now. Don't let me down."

"We will not," said Yui.


After Elly left and Yui cleaned up the mess, she went out back to the workshop. She opened the door and laughed. Citan was covered in grease. "What happened?" she asked.

"Lubrication pipe was not as strong as I thought," said Citan. "I heard a shuttle outside. Do we have guests?"

"It was Elly," answered Yui. Yui took a rag and helped clean off Citan. "We have a problem."

"Their past memories?" asked Citan. He hoped not. It was his current fear that either Id or Miang would reappear.

Yui took a deep breath. "Just a certain set of memories in Fei. I think you know what I mean."

Citan shook his head. "I guess the block was weakened by the Wave Existence and Khan when they helped Fei integrate his memories. This is not good."

"You are afraid of Id," said Yui.

"Yes. Fei still has his abilities and usage of a Gear. Yui. . .no matter how well one treats a mental illness, the scars are always there," replied Citan.

Yui took hold of Citan's grease covered hands. "Release the block. I know it has to be eating at you. Even though you were protecting people, you feel guilty because of what you did."

"I know, I know. I felt like the Gazel Ministry or Krelian because of it," said Citan.

"Then ease both of your minds. Allow Fei to remember so he can do what he needs to. Do this so you can put this last piece of guilt of yours behind you."

Citan hugged his wife hard. Too many fears, too many regrets, too many sins. All of which he brought upon himself.


Sleeplessness, irritability, depression. Citan had told Elly to watch out those signs in Fei. Now those signs were coming true. Fei did not even bath for the past week. Elly tried to her best to be patient but it was difficult.

Elly sighed with relief when Citan arrived. The way he looked surprised Elly. It was if Citan had not slept for days. Fei was on an errand so Elly and Citan talked before he arrived.

They sat outside at a table. "Elly, there is something you should now about Fei," said Citan.

Elly looked at Citan in intensity. The one thing she did not like about Citan is that he kept too many secrets. "Now what is it?" she demanded.

"After Id awoke in Lahan, bringing Fei back to the stage was harder than it should have been," said Citan.

"I could see why. All those people dead," said Elly. "When Id attacked Bart's ship and I faced him, I had my button on the self destruct button."

Citan looked at Elly with surprise. "I did not know that. Would you have really done it?"

Elly nodded. "With the Aerods overpowered, the built up energy would have taken both of us out."

"Also the ship," pointed out Citan.

"Where we were standing and the position of Gears, the blast would've went forward destroying the top half of that red monster. The blast would've ran parallel of the ship," said Elly.

"I am glad Fei regained control," said Citan.

Elly smiled. "So am I. So what did you do to him to cause this?"

Citan rubbed his chin. "It happened after you left us in the Blackmoon Forest. If I did not see if for myself, I would not have believed it. Id started to manifest in front of me. The thing was that Fei kept on switching between personalities. All three personalities were in an even greater conflict. At one point it was Fei's body and Id's face."

"What caused it?" asked Elly.

"I cannot say for now. I can only say that it had to be done," said Citan "I was afraid that if it continued, whatever strange energies that flow through Fei would have built up to a greater explosion than the one that destroyed Lahan and the Solaris capital."

"Is it that bad?" asked Elly.

"Very bad," said Citan. "In a sense I am at fault." Citan lowered his head and shook it. "You have seen me fight. You know that I was Guardian Angel to Emperor Cain. I should have followed my first instinct and fought Grahf at Lahan. I saw his Gear and recognized it. I also saw people running and panicking out of fear. I had to make a decision. I knew if Grahf and I fought it would bloody, yet I also had to take the villagers safety into consideration. When I saw Fei get into Weltall and when he ignored my words, I hoped and prayed Id would not appear. What happened at Lahan was the catalyst of what I did in the Blackmoon Forest."

"Is that what the block is for? To keep the actual horror of Lahan locked in the back of his mind?" asked Elly.

"In a sense," said Citan. "Unlike Solaris, Lahan was filled with his friends and people like Chief Lee who Fei considered his father figure."

"It's a good thing I did not consider you my father figure," said Fei who came up behind them. To make things worse, his Chi aura surrounded him.


"Fei!" yelled Elly. "Calm down!"

"No," said Citan. "There is a reason for this. When I made the block I made sure I was the only who could remove it. To prevent anything worse than what Id could do and if Fei found out about the block, I made sure he would resist me from removing the block." Citan shrugged. "I guess I messed up. The fact that he was cured of Id meant I could have safely remove the block."

Citan turned to Fei. "Listen to me. I do not wish to be violent about this."

Fei fired a Chi-bolt and Citan and Elly jumped out of the way. "Citan, what can we do?" asked Elly.

"You stay put," said Citan. He stood up and was hit by another blast. He fell on his back. He shook his head and got up. "I am sorry Fei," said Citan. "More sorry than you will ever know." An aura made of Arcane surrounded Citan. Fei stopped and Elly looked at Citan with shock.

"H-how?" asked Elly.

"I am more different then you can ever imagine," said Citan. He raised his hand and trapped Fei in an Arcane field. Fei resisted and Citan tightened his grip forcing the field to be knocked out.

Citan and Elly ran to Fei. Citan picked him up. "Inside the house," he ordered. They took Fei inside and placed him on the couch.

Citan took a needle filled with a sleep drug and injected Fei with it. Citan then took something out of his pocket that caused Elly gasp. "The cross," she said. "The cross Fei and I have seen in our dreams."

Citan nodded. "I have seen it in my dreams also. Why something so simple carries such importance is something that I do not even know. From what I understand this is the same cross that the original Elhaym wore and it is the same cross that Sophia wore when Lacan painted her portrait. Fei also said his father used a cross to hypnotize him to bury Id into the corner of the mind."

Citan turned to the sleeping Fei. "Fei. I need you to open your eyes."

Fei moaned and opened his eyes. Citan moved the cross back and forth in front of Fei. Like in the dreams and visions, the jewel reflected light into a beam.

"Do you know who you are?" asked Citan.

"Fei . . .Fong. . .Wong," answered Fei.

"Good," said Citan. He took a deep breath. His next question would be the most important one. "Is Id gone for good?"

"Yes," said Fei. "Wave Existence and father helped me merged broken mind into one."

Both Citan and Elly took a breath of relief. Now Citan could begin. "Fei, I want to you to remember. Remember what happened at Lahan."

Fei's body shook. "No! Don't want to remember! Can't!" he yelled.

Fei started to thrash and Citan had to hold him down. "Kre ner verlis!" yelled Citan.

Elly inhaled. The words were Solaris for, 'Remember your crime!' "Citan," she whispered.

"The code phrase to unlock the memories I personally buried," said Citan. "I know it sounds harsh."

Citan had to hold Fei down. In Fei's mind he remembered.


'Why!' thought Fei as death and destruction rained down on Lahan. 'We did nothing! Why!'

He destroyed two more of the Gears. He watched in horror as the Gear he seemed to recognize make a gesture. Fei knew they were going to kill Timothy! He moved trying to shield his friend. It was too late and the bullets tore through Timothy.

Fei felt the pressure of Id and yelled. Power built up and was released. Fei watched in horror as buildings and people were disintegrated. He saw someone look at her hands and-

Fei know stood in front of what was left of the population of Lahan. They looked at him with fear and hatred. He hears their words. "Momma, where's Momma." "Stay away from us." "Should never have let him into the village."

A boy steps forward. "You! You killed-

In the Blackmoon Forest, Fei stands in front of Elly. "It was them!" he yells. "Them! Them! Them!" he screams, hitting a tree over and over. "They killed them all! Chief Lee, Timothy, and -

Fei is feigning sleep. He hears Doc and Elly talk. Some words he recognize, others are in another language. Eventually Elly leaves. Again another woman out of his life just like-

Fei screams. His personalities are in conflict. He feels himself slipping in and out of consciousness. He can her Citan talk to him. "Control yourself!" he yells. The calm doctor is scared.

Fei feels energy building up inside of him. "I-its my fault!" he cries out.

"Do not do this Fei!" yells Citan. "Oh my god! This is horrible! His personalities are in such conflict!"

Fei starts to cry. "I deserve to die! I killed her, I killed-

Fei stands before Daniel in the Martial Art's Tournament. Daniel is angry. Fei does not want to harm the boy. He keeps on defending. Through the tears and anger, Daniel attacks. He prepares a Chi blast that Fei had taught him. "Bastard! You killed-

Fei is sleeping in the chamber. Although he is asleep, he can still hear someone speaking. It is Daniel. "Its wrong what they did. I hated you for what did in Lahan. What you did to her. What you did to-

Fei stands before Daniel in the ruins of Shevat. Both are unsure of what to say. Finally Fei speaks. "Daniel, its my fault. What happened to Lahan, regardless of Id, is still my responsibility."

"No," replied Daniel. "I know now that you could not control that monster. Its not your fault that Timothy and-

Fei stands on an empty stage. His own stage. He looked at the scenes from his past with confusion. "Why do the memories suddenly stop?"

Fei heard foot steps. He sees Citan walking onto the stage. "Doc?" asked Citan.

"No," said Citan. "Only a mental image, or an avatar if you will, of Citan. With his Arcane and your Chi, it is possible. I am here to help you remember."

"Remember what?" asked Fei.

"Something you felt you did was so terrible that it would have destroyed you and possibly the world," said Citan.

"The destruction of Lahan," said Fei with understanding.

"Just a certain event in the town's destruction," replied Citan.

"That bad?" asked Fei.

Citan and walked over and placed a hand on Fei's forehead. "Remember!"

Fei stood in the projection room of his mind. The same room where the Coward sat and watched the film/memory of better times. Fei watched the projector turn on and witnessed Lahan's destruction.

With trepidation and fear, Fei watched the destruction of Lahan. Near the end he saw his power explode after Timothy was cut down. There was one spot on the screen that was blurred. A blurred spot in the epicenter of the blast that took Lahan. Fei watched as blurred spot cleared. A figure appeared as the blur focused into a recognizable shape.

Fei took a step back. His mouth felt dry. "No," he said. "NO! I KILLED HER! I KILLED-


"ALICE!" yelled Fei. His eyes snapped opened. Sweat covered his body. "Alice! God! I killed her!" he screamed.

Citan tried to hold Fei down. "Calm down! Do not panic!"

Fei pushed Citan out of the way. He ran out of the house. His Chi ability were building up. Fei felt as though he was going to explode. He saw Citan and Elly run toward him. "Stay back!" yelled Fei.

Fei could handle no more. He fell to his knees. He raised his arms above his head. He looked up at the sky. He killed his first love. He would die before he killed the woman he loved throughout the ages. Chi energy surrounded Fei. He screamed once and released the deadly energy into the sky.

Citan and Elly walked over to Fei. He looked at them. "I killed her. I killed Alice," he said before passing out.

Elly looked at Citan. "He mentioned Alice in Blackmoon Forest. Who was she?"

Citan became sad. Midori and Alice were like sisters. It tore Midori apart when Alice died. "Fei's first love. She was killed by the blast that destroyed Lahan." Citan tried to continue but could not. In truth Alice and Timothy were like his niece and nephew.

"She was that special," said Elly.

"In those turbulent times, she was like sunlight breaking through the dark clouds," said Citan. "When she died, I think a part of everyone who lived in Lahan died with her. If she had survived, who knows, she could have been a modern day Sophia."

Elly reasoned the rest. "To protect the world you had to bury Fei's memories and feeling of her. Anytime someone would mention Alice, Fei would soon forget who was being talked about. I hope he can forgive me for what I did to him."

Fei opened his eyes. He heard most of what they said. "I do," said Fei. "You were trying to protect everyone."

Elly managed to laugh. "The next time I think you're asleep or knocked out, I'm going to stick cotton in your ears."


Fei never did return to the ruins of Lahan. Wether it was the memory block in regards of Alice or his own guilt, he was not sure. The survivors built a cemetery near the ruins.

Fei walked by each tombstone. Each tombstone brought back the good memories and the destruction of Lahan. Fei saw Alice's tombstone. He walked over to it. Fei saw it was not a flashy tombstone. It was what drew Fei to Alice. She was not selfish or greedy. She always put others before herself. Citan was right, Alice could have been a modern day Sophia.

Fei took the bouquet of flowers and placed them in front of the tombstone. He kneeled and placed a hand on the stone. "I am sorry I haven't visited. Events forced me to forget for awhile. I'm here now and I will never forget you."

The last buried memory came to Fei. He choked back his tears as he saw in his mind the blast about to envelope Alice. He watched her looking at her hands. He could hear her final words. "I forgive you Fei," she said. "I will never forget you, my first love."

The End

Afterwards: This is the 30 minute written fan-fic done in a period of four days. (Don't ask!) If anything this is sort of a 'what if?' fic. So please do not hound me about taking liberties with the official plot.

As usual any and all constructive compliments and complaints will be welcomed. Out right flames will be ignored.

This story is not to be copied onto any hard drive, floppy, CD, or zip drive nor is it to be printed. If you would like to post my story on your site, then just e-mail me a request and please include your URL.

Xenogears is copyright 1998 Square

You Never Forget is copyright 2001 Chad Harger

Others by this author
Others about this game