A Hard Day's Night

[02.23.01] » by Aaron D. Roberts

It seems like fate is determined to thwart the chance of a peaceful existence for me and my brother. Okay, we had some rough times when we were kids, but those

were nothing compared to what happened to us once we were grownups. I mean, when you think about all that we've done, you'll realize that it was really just us

reacting to circumstances which were beyond our control.

Sorry if I seem to be rambling here, but it's so odd.

Mario and I were just a couple of everyday plumbers, trying to eke out a living in the Big Apple. If you make it there, you can make it anywhere, right? Apparently

so, as we found out---but I digress.

It was a calm, cool October afternoon when Mario and I returned from our latest job. This one hadn't been really tough, but it had been dirty. This lady in the Upper

East side had tried to shove an entire head of lettuce down her garbage disposal and, to sum it up, we had to clear five pounds of salad out of the pipes.

We returned to our apartment covered in shreds of the rotten lettuce. I brushed myself off before acutally entering the door, but Mario, still somewhat tense, forgot.

"You got time enough to clean up, brother?" I asked, walking to the corner of the room and switching on the radio. I always liked music on in the background when I

took a shower, though my brother usually made snide comments about my attempts to sing along.

"Should be just enough," Mario replied, picking bits of lettuce out of his mustache. I let him have the shower first, because I knew he had a date this evening.

I lathered up my long face with shaving cream, and picked up the safety razor. As I began scraping off my bristly stubble, I heard the news announcer on the radio

begin.

"...and reports of the missing animals have been coming in from all parts of the city. To repeat, a giraffe, a gorilla, and a lion have all escaped from the

city zoo. Should you see these animals, notify the police immediately."

"Hey, Mario, you hear that?" I called to the shower. "You better be careful tonight. Don't get mauled by the lion."

"Shuddap, you moron," he growled back. "Those animals ain't even gonna be in our part of town. Besides, the police, or the Humane Society, or whoever's gonna get

'em first."

"Yeah, you're right," I agreed, shaving the tip of my chin. "Nothing to worry about."

"Anyways," he continued, exiting the shower, "if they do bother me and Pauline, then BAM---right in the snout."

Laughing, I rinsed my face off and got into the now-vacant shower.

Pauline came over at about six o'clock. She and Mario had been dating for about seven months now. I never really wondered why Mario was interested in her---long

legs, blond hair, great eyes---but I sometimes wondered what she saw in him. Not to disparage my brother, but neither one of us is top-notch in the looks

department, if you know what I mean.

She leaned over and kissed him. It was actually kind of funny 'cause she's almost five inches taller than he is. Mario was wearing his best pair of overalls this evening

and looked every bit the posh gentleman.

"Ready to go?" she asked.

Mario nodded, placed his arm around her waist, and they both headed out.

"Have a good time," I said.

Pauline halted in mid-stride. "Hey, Luigi, do you want to come with us? You shouldn't have to stay here all by yourself."

Mario looked kind of funny as she offered this, but he also, repeated, "Sure, you can come."

"Naw," I refused, waving my hand. "Three's a crowd, you know? Have a blast. I'll be okay here."

Looking a little bit, but not too much, as though she were disappointed, Pauline said that was fine, and she and Mario left. I sighed in relief. Another possible disaster

averted. I knew that if I were going on a date, I wouldn't want Mario to come along, and I'm sure he felt the same way. God, that would be weird. Going on a date

with two brothers?

I grabbed a brewski-pop from the icebox and turned on the TV. Tonight, I was ready to wind down, tired from the day's work. I flipped it onto channel three, ready

to enjoy Bill Cosby's non-threatening, hiliarious antics.

I was well into "Cheers" when I got the call.

"Luigi, you know that construction site over by 125th Street?" Mario sounded apprehensive, nervous.

"Sure, brother. What's up?"

"I need you to grab my tool belt and meet me there. Quick."

I was more than a little confused. "What's going on, Mario?"

"You wouldn't believe me. Come quick, okay?"

"You got it." I hung up the phone. I knew by the tone of Mario's voice that something big was up. Maybe he'd gotten us a job! Sometimes, there were plumbing

emergencies, and by offering our services at all times of the day and night, we got a lot more business than some other plumbers.

I strapped on my overalls and buckled up my tool belt. Grabbing Mario's own belt, I headed out, remembering to lock the door behind me. It seemed to me that

there was a nervous air about the people on the streets. 125th Street was only a few blocks away, so I hotfooted it past the subway station and the bus stop. As I

neared the site, I heard people screaming and muttering to themselves.

"How could it do that?!"

"I think it's got a girl up there!"

"Is that gorilla the one that escaped from the zoo?"

Gorilla! I thought to myself. I couldn't see Mario from where I was standing, so I called to him.

"Mario! Hey, Mario!"

"Luigi!" I saw his red baseball cap and gloved hand waving. Shoving aside members of the crowd, I edged my way to him. he was standing near the fence, trying to

keep people from entering the site.

"Got my tool belt?" he asked.

"Right here," I said, giving it to him. He accepted it and buckled it onto his waist. "What's going on?"

"That ape up there's kidnapped my girlfriend!"

Okay, Mario and I had experienced a lot of weird things, like that time this guy who lived downtown got a VCR stuck in his toilet, but I think this one took the cake.

Mario's eyes hardened. "I'm goin' in," he said.

"Whoa, hey wait, brother," I stuttered. "You can't just--I mean, let the police handle it! What are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna stomp that gorilla into the ground and rescue Pauline." With that, my brother leapt over the gate.

Now, it may sound strange to you that he was able to just jump over a six-foot-tall-fence like that, but Mario and myself were both All-State high-jumpers on our

high school track team. I probably could have bounded over myself, but when I began to, Mario halted my effort.

"You stay here, Luigi. Make sure nobody comes after me, you know?"

"But, brother---"

"No!" he cut me off. "Somebody's got to control this crowd." I thought he had more to say, but before he could, the ape began jumping up and down uncontrollably,

shaking the rafters that framed the construction site. Several of the iron rafters collapsed and fell to the ground with loud clangs.

"If I don't make it," Mario began, "you've got to save her, okay?"

I nodded. I had no idea how I could stop a four-hundred-pound gorilla from rampaging across New York, let alone rescue Mario's girlfriend from it. Still, I wished

my brother had let me go with him. I mean, two men stood more of a chance than one, right?

I wished Mario good luck silently as I saw him climb up the first of several ladders that littered the site. This, I knew, would be a dangerous undertaking for him.

"What's that guy doing?" someone in the crowd called.

"He's gonna save her!" another person answered.

"Let's help!" one rabble-rouser shouted.

Placing myself firmly in front of the gate, I held my arms out wide, blocking the mob's entry.

"No," I said. "Alone, he's got a chance. Let's let him take it."

For a moment I thought my words would have no effect on the crowd, and that they would run me over in an attempt to break through, but, contrary to the usual mob

mentality, they took a moment to think.

Seeing them stalled, I took the opportunity to check on my brother's progress. The ape pounded his arms upon his chest, yelling in a primal way. He seemed to be

daring Mario, asking, "Can you make it to the top?" Then, I saw that the gorilla begin rolling empty rivet barrels down the slanted rafters, showing a remarkable

intelligence in such an animal.

These obstacles presented no challenge to Mario, as I knew they wouldn't. He hurdled them with ease and climbed up another level. Finding a hammer that had been

left lying around (I shudder to think of the lazy workmanship here, but it did prove useful, I suppose) and crushed the remaining barrels in his path. Mario, full of

resolve, climbed to the very top level, where the ape stood waiting for him.

I've often wondered what the ape was thinking at this point. Did he run off with Pauline with some plan in mind, or was he just mindlessly lashing out with anger? I

strongly suspect it was the former. If he was just reacting out of fury, he would have crushed Pauline and left her for dead. Instead, he grabbed her and took her with

him, though for what purpose, I have no idea.

"Look!" someone yelled. "He made it!"

Mario crouched down low, holding the hammer, probably trying to avoid notice. Unfortunately, his hammer accidentally collided with a support rafter, sending a huge

metallic ring throughout the area, audible even on the street below, where I was.

The ape reacted swiftly. Bounding around the captive Pauline, he rushed my brother with a feral intensity. Mario raised his weapon and brought it down upon the

beast's head. The gorilla hollered in pain and grasped his head.

Seizing the opportunity, Mario plucked out the rivet that kept the rafter in place. Leaping over the ape, he swiftly pulled out the one on the other side as well. Feeling

his footing become unsure, the gorilla wavered, trying to keep his balance, but to no avail. The iron rafter fell out from under him. The people I was with watched as

one as he fell out of the sky and collapsed to the ground with a bone-shattering thud.

"He did it!" A cheer welled out from the mob.

"Who is that guy?" a woman in the crowd asked me.

"That's my brother," I said with pride.

Jumping over the fence, I grabbed a handy chain and looped it around the gorilla, just in case he wasn't as injured as he appeared. Then, after securing it to a piece of

rebar stuck in the dirt, I rushed over to the crane and started it. I raised it up to Mario, who, with Pauline clasped in his arms, stepped onto the arm. After making

sure they were holding on, I lowered it to the ground, and the two stepped off.

"Mario!" I cried as I enveloped my brother in a crushing hug, which, incidentally, also included Pauline, who was refusing to let go of him.

"Maybe we'll make the eleven o'clock news," my brother commented, winking.

And we did, actually. They even interviewed me, but all I said was that I had never been prouder of Mario than at that moment. And that was true.

It seems strange, doesn't it? Why did the gorilla choose to kidnap my brother's girlfriend, of all people? Like I said before, fate apparently dislikes Mario and me. This

wasn't the last time we'd have to deal with something that was out of the ordinary. And, as I have noted, we seemed to be the only ones capable of handling these

situations.

I'll tell you more, later, if you're interested. The stories of the adventures we've had seem almost limitless...