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Desert of Life[02.08.01] » by Midnite Angel Aeris
******
Foreword: ******
I looked down at my small little body...I was a boy...a small boy. I ran...I was scared. Scared of this nothingness. I ran, and ran...but I could find nothing. Nothing but sand. I screamed for help...but there were no replies...I was getting tired. I fell onto the ground of sand. I started crying... Then, I saw two shadows in a distance. I recognized them immediately. "Mom! Dad!" I cried out. They didn't hear me. They started walking away from me...I wanted to follow them, but I was hold down by some unknown force. I watched as they slowly disappeared in the horizon...they were abandoning me. There was nothing I could do but cry. My hand fell onto the sand as I sat alone on the desert floor. The sand...they were completely lifeless. And now I'm part of them...part of this dead desert... ******
I was lying on the sandy beach. I listened quietly to the water splashing against the shore. I stared up at the full moon, at all the shining stars above. A distant memory surfaced in my mind... "We're out of Narshe now. You should be safe here," "....." "Don't worry! Even if they find us, I'll protect you at all cost! I won't let you off my sight for one second! I promise!" Locke...you liar. You forgot about me once you met her...you broke your promise... You cared for me once, didn't you? You promised you would protect me...and then you gave your promise to someone else...I thought you cared...I thought you cared about me. Did you? Or did you just protect me because I could help you to victory against the Emperor? That's why everyone wanted to protect me, is it not? Locke...I love you...I need you...why did you save me, then leave me alone? A night breeze blew against my skin. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. Still, I felt cold... I have nothing now...the children...they're all adopted...they're all happy now with their own family...they don't need me anymore... I'm happy for them...but they left me with nothing. Like how Locke left me with nothing. I closed my eyes as I clenched at a fistful of sand in my hand. The sand felt cold. Well, of course they're cold. They're dead. I released my grip on the sand. I wanted to run...away from the world. I'm tired of watching people laugh and smile while I'm screaming inside. Yes, I needed to get away...to where, I don't know. I just needed to get away from my own silent world of ruins. ******
I stared at the man sitting across from me, some psychologist the Chancellor brought in. "You can't help me," I simply said. "I'm sure I can, your majesty, if you let me," "Tell me then, why do you want to help me?" It was his turn to stare at me. "...Well, I'm very concerned about your mental health, your majesty," "Why are you so concerned? Are you worried that if anything happens to me, then there'll be no one to look after Figaro?" "That's one of the many reasons, but-" "Well, I'll let you know that I'll keep doing what I need to do until the day I die. You don't need to worry about me," I got up and headed for the door. "King Edgar!" The man stood up. "Any more nervous breakdowns will only endanger your physical and your mental health! You need help!" I ignored the man and exited the room. ******
The doctor said it was a nervous breakdown due to excessive stress, which was a shocking news to the Chancellor. In the history of Figaro kingdom, there was never a case of nervous breakdown to any of the kings. Fearing that this might startle the people, my mental state was kept top-secret. Only a few number of people knew about what happened to me that night. I didn't really recover from my breakdown for the past two weeks. I felt sick and tired occasionally. I didn't even want to talk to anyone anymore...I couldn't sleep...I kept dreaming. I saw this dream over and over again...I was in a desert, alone. I was scared of that dream...so scared that I didn't want to sleep so I wouldn't see it. ...I guess I have lost my will to live. Everything I did...they didn't bring me joy. Helping people made me feel happy at times, but those joys seem to erase once I realize I have nothing or no one close to me. I know these thoughts are very selfish...I should be happy just by doing the right thing in life...but I'm weak. I need something to rely on...I used to rely on my family...mom, dad, Sabin...but they all left me in my own insecurity. I guess I was meant to stay here, in this castle, alone....until I die and become a part of the dead desert...This is my fate. My fate which was shown to me in my dream... ******
I nodded to the guard, and he took a quick bow before heading to the throne room. I guess he remembered who I was. Afterall, I was a frequent visitor here during the war against the Empire and Kefka. I didn't know why I came here. I've been wandering for two weeks...I didn't even have a destination; I just took whatever path that was laid before me. I rode on a chocobo, followed a path which took me all the way to the ocean, and boarded onto the first boat I saw. Before I realized it, I have wandered into the Figaro Kingdom. I haven't seen Edgar for a long time, so I thought I should pay a visit. I sat down at one of the chairs of the waiting room; it was nighttime when I arrived. The trip across the desert took me longer than I thought. I looked up at the clock that was hung on the wall. It read 8 p.m. A few minutes later the Chancellor came into the room. "Lady Terra! So good to see you again. You look wonderful," I quickly stood up and gave him a small smile. "Thank you," "You're here to see his majesty?" "Yes. Where is he?" "I'm sorry, but he's resting right now, and I didn't want to wake him up..." Edgar sleeping at 8 p.m? That sounded odd to me. I didn't say anything though, but a questioning look must've came across my face as the Chancellor took one look at me and explained, "King Edgar is ill, so I thought he should have some rest," "He's sick? What's wrong?" The Chancellor shrugged. "It's nothing serious. He has been working too hard, that's all," For some reason I felt he was hiding something. "Why don't you have dinner now, and I'll show you a guest room so you stay for the night and see him tomorrow? I'm sure he'll be happy to see you," he said. "Alright, then." I said. Not that I have anywhere else to go anyway... ******
For a long time I just sat there quietly, gazing at the wall across from me. I wondered if I'll ever get over this 'nervous breakdown' the doctor said about. Figuring that I'll be unable to fall asleep again, I turned on the lights and picked up a book randomly from my nightstand. It was some engineering book I have read before, but at least it was something to keep my mind off things. I flipped through a number of pages before the Chancellor knocked on the door and came into the room. "I saw that your lights were on. You should be resting," he said. "Can't sleep," I simply replied, not taking my eyes off the book. At the corner of my eye I saw his disapproving look. "Well...since you're awake anyway, Lady Terra is here," The mere mention of her name caught my attention immediately. I looked up at the Chancellor and asked, "Where?" "I took her to a guest room, but I don't think she's sleeping yet," "Please, ask her to come here," "Yes, your majesty," with that he exited the room. ******
My heart skipped a beat as I heard a soft knock on the door. "Come in," I said. The door opened, and there she was, looking as beautiful as the day I first met her. She was like a star in the sky; something that I longed for but could never touch. She looked at me with those lovely emeralds she has for eyes; but in them I saw traces of sadness. Sadness...because of Locke? "Edgar? Are you alright?" I have been looking at her for so long that I forgot to speak. "Yes, I'm fine, Terra. I was just shocked by your beauty," I smiled softly. "Please, Edgar, don't joke with me," she simply said, not knowing that I truly meant what I said. She took a seat next to me on the sofa, not keeping her eyes off me. Then she noticed the bandages wrapped around my right hand. "What happened to your hand?" "A little accident, that's all," from smashing a mirror with my own hand, I finished the sentence in my head. "You look so pale..." she commented as she lightly ran a finger down my face. It was the warmest touch I have ever felt. "It's nothing. I'm just tired from working a little too hard," I replied. That wasn't really a lie; it was one of the causes of my stress afterall. She frowned, obviously not satisfied with the answer. "Edgar, please tell me what's wrong...the Chancellor told me you're sick, but...you look something more than just being simply sick. Tell me, please..." I looked away from her. I didn't know why I felt like crying. There she sat, the person who I so dearly love, the person who could save my soul, yet I couldn't tell her how I felt. I was afraid...afraid of being turned down by the person I love. A single tear trickled down my face. I tried to wipe it away before she sees it, but she noticed it immediately. "Edgar!" She was getting more worried. "What's wrong?" I closed my eyes and sank down deeper into the sofa. I couldn't hold back my feelings any longer. It was eating me alive. "...I had a nervous breakdown, Terra...the doctors and the Chancellor...they're worried that I might turn crazy. I don't even know how sane I am anymore..." "...A nervous breakdown?" Terra choked out, shocked with disbelief. "But....why?" I opened my eyes and looked desperately into her eyes. "...I feel so alone, Terra...trapped in here...everyone around me...they only care about what I do as a king...they don't care about how I feel...do you know how that feels? It feels horrible...this loneliness...this emptiness...Gosh, I'm not a machine...I can't keep working like this...I can't keep living without someone here to care for me...to care about me and how I feel as a human being..." ".......Edgar...." "I love you, Terra," I burst out. I didn't care about the consequences anymore. I was desperate. Her eyes widen at my words. "Please help me...I need you here with me..." Terra looked down at the floor, and was speechless for a long time. "...Edgar...you don't love me. You can't love me..." "No, I love you...always have..." "No, Edgar...please...don't put me in a situation like this...you can't possibly love me...you just can't...." "Terra..." I reached out to her, but she quickly stood up and stepped away from me. "I'm sorry, Edgar....I'm so sorry...I just can't....I'm sorry..." she turned away and hastily left the room. I stared blankly at the door. I let out a chuckle as I laughed bitterly at my own effort. I looked down at my injured hand; streaks of blood could be seen through the bandages. My wounds were bleeding again... I just sat there quietly, shivering, feeling completely helpless. I closed my eyes and allowed the darkness to engulf me...
******
I walked...I wanted to get away from this fog so desperately...but I was lost. I had no idea where I was going. In a distance, I saw a figure. It approached to me slowly until I could see its face. "Terra?" She took one look at me, then started to walk away. "Terra!" I called out to her, but she didn't look back. "Edgar, leave me alone. I don't want to have anything to do with you," she said coldly, and disappeared from my sight. There was nothing else I could do. I was hopelessly lost. I laid down on the cold ground and stared up at the sky of sand. I felt so tired... The sand around me slowly sank down, drawing me into the ground. But I made no effort to resist whatsoever. I sank lower, and lower, deep into the sand, until I could see no more. ******
Finding it strange that he was asleep on the sofa, the Chancellor went over to him and tapped on his shoulder. "King Edgar?" Edgar did not move an inch, and the Chancellor shook him lightly. "King Edgar!" he called out louder. Then he noticed the bandages on Edgar's right hand were stained red. "King Edgar!" he shook Edgar more violently now, and finally, Edgar opened his eyes. "King Edgar, are you alright?" he asked. Edgar didn't reply him. The Chancellor took one look at him and a shiver went down his spine. Edgar's eyes were completely lifeless. They were just gazing into nothingness. Edgar himself did not move or say anything - he seemed to be staring at something that wasn't even there. The Chancellor quickly went for a doctor. ******
"Thank you," I said to the waiter as he placed a cup on my table. The waiter took one look out the window and said, "Quite a storm out there isn't it? It has been raining like crazy for two days already!" "Yeah," I said. I wasn't so interested in talking about the weather; afterall, it was this storm that made me stay in South Figaro. The ferry wouldn't leave port until the storm subsides. The waiter left to do some other errands, and I was left alone in the corner of the South Figaro cafe. I stirred the tea around with a spoon as I thought about the confession Edgar made to me two days ago. I was so shocked that I left the castle immediately, telling the Chancellor that I had some urgent matters to tend to back in Mobliz. I would never have thought Edgar would have that kind of a feeling for me. I felt horrible for leaving him like that. I couldn't stop thinking about it; I felt really...bad. But I couldn't stay with him...I can't love him...because...because... Because I'm still in love with Locke. I sighed softly to myself. I knew Locke's love was something I could never have; yet I still wanted to hold on. I didn't know why...maybe it was because he was the first person to ever show me any type of affection and care? I looked around the cafe, hoping to see something that'll take my mind off my thoughts. There was no one sitting near me except for a woman sitting by herself in the table in front of me. A few minutes later a man came into the cafe and walked towards the woman. "Sorry I'm late," he took a seat oppose to her with his back facing me. "I had to see this patient, and he lives quite far away," The woman sighed. "The day I married you I thought you said you wouldn't put your patients ahead of me," "I know, and I'm so sorry. But this patient is...special," "Hmm?" this stirred up the woman's curiosity. "What's so special about him?" "Well...I'm supposed to keep it a secret but......promise you wouldn't tell anyone?" "Of course. I promise," The man leaned over the table and whispered to the woman so other people couldn't hear. Not that I wanted to hear what he was saying anyways; but my Esper side gave me exceptional hearing, and he spoke loud enough for me to hear him clearly. "I went to see the king. He's very ill...he might be dying," he whispered. I gasped at his words. Luckily, the woman gasped as well, so the man didn't hear me. "He's dying?" "Shhh," the man hushed the woman. "He had a nervous breakdown two days ago. It's the second time already. But this time...I think it crippled his mind. He's not even aware of himself anymore...he wouldn't even eat or drink anything...we have to give him injections to keep him alive...but we can't keep him alive that way for long," "Oh my god..." the woman covered her mouth in surprise. I didn't hear the rest of their conversation, as I left some money on the table for the tea and quickly headed for the door. ******
"Let me see the Chancellor then," I said. I have to see Edgar no matter what. The guard hesitated for a moment, then left the waiting room to find the Chancellor. A moment later the Chancellor came. "Lady Terra? I thought you have left for Mobliz?" he asked. "Chancellor, let me see Edgar...please," "...." Taking a nervous glance at the guards in the room, the Chancellor motioned me to go down the hall. "The King's sick right now, but if you wish......follow me," I followed him down the hall. He led me to a section of the hall where there were no guards around. "Lady Terra, there's something you should know first...we told most of the people here that King Edgar is very ill with a disease, which is not really a lie, but...he's actually not physically sick-" "I know...he had another nervous breakdown," The Chancellor gave me a surprised look. "How did you know?" "Never mind that. How is he right now?" The Chancellor shook his head and sighed. "It's horrible...he wouldn't respond to anything...it's like he's dead, but he's still alive..." A rush of guilt came across me. "Chancellor....it..it was my fault....we had...an argument...I must've upset him..." "...It's not your fault...he has been depressed for weeks already...the doctors say it is stress..." "...Can I see him, please?" "..." The Chancellor walked further down the hall to Edgar's room, and I trailed behind. He stopped at Edgar's door and opened it for me. I walked into the room, and I saw Edgar lying on his bed. I walked over to his bedside. His eyes were opened, and he was looking up at the ceiling. "Edgar...." I softly said, but he did not respond. His eyes showed no awareness at all. "...Oh god..." I whispered. He looked like...a corpse... The Chancellor was still standing at the door. "The doctors didn't know what to do at all. They say this is a mental disease that no medicine can cure. If his health doesn't improve, sooner or later he's going to die. All we can do now is pray that he would come back to his senses..." "Did you tell Sabin about this?" I asked. The Chancellor shook his head. "No...he moves around a lot. We're unable to locate him," I reached out and took Edgar's hand. It was as cold as ice. "Chancellor...I would like to stay to take care of him...I want to help him..." The Chancellor thought for a while and said, "Alright. I just hope you can help him out of this state..." ******
I thought about how terrible he must've felt, being turned down by the person he loved when he felt so alone. Then I realized I have done the exact same thing to him as Locke has done to me when he abandoned me for Celes. I felt bitter at Locke for what he have done...yet I did the same thing myself to Edgar...and it ended up driving him into another nervous breakdown. He must've felt so depressed that he wanted to shut everything away...leaving him in his senseless state. This was his way of running away...like how I ran away from Mobliz. I never felt so awful in my life. I felt as if I have killed him...killed him for another man who didn't even love me. I have to bring Edgar out of this...I must. He had asked me for help...there must be some ways I could help him now. I stayed by his side every day and took care of him. It was painful to see him drifting in and out of consciousness...he would be asleep at times, then less than one hour later his eyes would be opened again, as if he wanted to sleep but couldn't. Even when he is awake, he just stares...his eyes...they were completely hollow...as if he had lost his soul...Was this the effect of loneliness? A thought occurred to me. If he dies, what would I do then? Continue on with my lonely trip to the unknown destination, like I intended to do at first? Then...will loneliness eventually cause me to lose my mind as well, just as it did to him? ******
One day, seeing that Edgar has fallen asleep, I went out for a walk. I've been staying in Edgar's room for so long that I haven't even stepped outside once in the past four weeks. As I walked down the hall, I heard the Chancellor's voice from the meeting room, talking with one of Edgar's doctors. The door was opened; I stopped next to it to hear what they were saying about Edgar. "Chancellor, you must prepare for the worse. His majesty has been virtually a vegetable for weeks. I never have seen anything like this. I don't even know how long he can stay alive, let alone recovering," "...I understand that..." the Chancellor sighed. "And I don't think I can lie about King Edgar's health any longer...the people are starting to panic already..." "If he dies-" "If he dies, I don't know what to do. Find Sabin and ask him to take over the throne? We can't even find him, and even if we could, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with the throne......Oh, King Edgar, why do you have to do this? If you die...who will watch over Figaro?" I suddenly felt very angry upon hearing his words. I burst into the room. "Is that all you care about?? About who will rule Figaro if anything happens to Edgar? Do you even care about him?" My appearance shocked the two men. "Lady Terra-" the Chancellor began. "Don't you know that your attitude is the cause of his illness? All you people care is what he could do as a king. Don't you even care about how he feels inside? He did everything for you, for this kingdom, and gave up everything just to live behind these walls to do his job. And when he's sick, all you're concerned about is what would happen to the kingdom if he dies? Is that all he is to you? Just some figurehead of power over the kingdom? Did you ever stop to think that he's human too?" "Lady Terra-" I didn't bother to listen to him as I angrily stomped out of the room, and headed back to Edgar's room. ******
I sat on the edge of Edgar's bed as I watched him sleep. I have never felt so close to him as I did now...I could feel his pain. His pain...it was exactly the same as the pain I feel when I realized most people just protected me because of my special abilities. No one would've cared so much about the woman named Terra Branford if she didn't have magic, would they? I took Edgar's hand into my own and laid down next to him. My eyes were filled with tears as I buried my face in his chest. Please come back.... I silently prayed. Edgar...please come back to your senses....please... I didn't know how long I was lying there, crying...until a soft voice startled me. "...T..Terra?...." I knew that voice...it was the voice I've been wishing to hear for the past four weeks. I looked up at Edgar; he was awake, and his eyes were looking down at me. "...Edgar..." I smiled in joy. He blinked at me; he didn't seem to be completely aware of himself yet. I reached out to touch his face. "Edgar...I'll stay with you...I promise I won't leave you anymore," "......Terra...." "Shhh," I placed my finger on his lips. "You're tired. Sleep...and promise me you would get better," I ran my hand down his eyelids to close his eyes; he fell asleep, and stayed asleep for the longest time since I arrived four weeks ago. ******
My mind was locked in the dark until I heard Terra's voice. In a seemingly distant memory I heard her crying...I didn't know why she was crying, so I called out to her. I guess that woke me up from my mindless sleep. I still felt very weak afterwards, but Terra stayed by my side, encouraging me to get well. So I fought to get better for her. The doctors said I had one of the fastest recoveries they have ever seen. Two weeks later I was back in full health and got back to work. Every single spare moment I had, I spent it with Terra. She didn't tell me the reason she decided to stay here with me. I didn't care though; I was eternally grateful for her company. I couldn't remember the last time I felt so happy in my life... ******
I smiled. "Well, how did you know it's me coming up the stairs?" "Don't you know I have exceptional senses?" she turned around and gave me a teasing smile. I let out a chuckle. "Sure, whatever, and I'm psychic," I walked up closer to her. "Admiring at the moon?" She nodded. "Desert skies are so beautiful," "You know, a dance under the moonlight is very romantic," I grinned and offered her my hand. She laughed. "What, you want to dance right here? Without music?" "Why not?" I took her into my arms and pulled her into a quick waltz while singing out the beats. She giggled and stumbled slightly. "Edgar!" she protested. I quicken the pace even more and sung even louder. She couldn't stop laughing as she allowed me to pull her into the dance. After a quick glance to the ground below, she said, "Okay Edgar, stop. The guards below are looking up at us," "Okay, okay," I released her from my hold. She stepped back and took one long look at me. "You look so much better now..." she commented. "...Thanks to you," I said. I would never have recovered if it wasn't for her. "You look better yourself too," "What, did I look bad before or something?" I shook my head. "No...you were always beautiful...but you were always sad..." She gazed down at the ground. "Yeah....I guess....I was sad...for a long time..." "Because of Locke?" She turned back at me, looking surprised for a second. Then her expression softened as she said, "You knew all along?" I nodded. "I noticed.......I watched you, Terra....you didn't know, but I was always watching over you....I knew when you're feeling sad...I wanted to help you, but I didn't know how, because you were...." "...always yearning for Locke?" she finished the sentence for me. "Yeah, I guess I was," We were silent for a while as Terra strode away from me and paced back and forth. She was deep in thoughts; and I waited for her to speak. "You know, for a long time I thought I was in love with Locke," she finally spoke. "He made me a promise that he would stay by my side and make sure nothing would happen to me," she stopped pacing. "I thought I could rely on him. Then he forgot about me once Celes appeared. But I hung on to him...because I felt alone. I wished that someday he would remember his promise and come back to me so I wouldn't be alone again," she sighed. "But...now that I think of it...I was never in love with him. No, I wasn't in love with Locke; I was only in love with his promise. I was only in love with the idea of spending my life with a person who will stand by me no matter what. I never really knew Locke enough to love him, and I doubt Locke ever really knew me. I know now that you're the one that truly knew me....because you cared about me enough to take the effort to know me...and I ignored you. But when you were lying on you bed, almost sick to death, I finally had the chance to know you...to know how you feel...." I placed my hand on her shoulder. "Terra...." "When I heard you were sick, I came back because I felt guilty for what I have done to you...but after a while, it wasn't guilt anymore...I stayed because I wanted you to get well...because I was in love with you..." "Terra..." Her words touched the depths of my heart. I pulled her into a passionate embrace. "I love you too...." "Promise me that we won't separate...so we don't have to feel alone again," I gently tilted her head to face me. I looked deep into her eyes and said, "I promise," She smiled, and we kissed...a kiss that I have longed for ever since I fell in love with her. A moment later we broke away from each other. With my arm still around her, we watched the stars and the moon together. She leaned her head against my shoulder and said in a teasing tone, "Sometimes I wonder how you can live in a desert...it's so dead!" "No, it's not dead!" I pointed to a small green plant growing at a spot on the ground below us. "See, there's a plant. Life can still grow even in the driest sand," "Yeah, but that's a cactus," "So?" "Cactuses aren't pretty," "It's still a living plant," She chuckled. "Yeah, I guess....you're not going to give me cactuses for presents in place of roses, are you?" I laughed and gave her a playful kiss. "I'll see...." ******
I looked down at myself. I was out of my royal attire; all I was wearing was a simple shirt with black pants. I was not King Edgar Roni Figaro anymore. I was just....me. In front of me stood many plants...tall green plants with lovely flowers growing on them...in the center of it all I saw her there. She was surround with green plants that matched the tone of her hair. I walked up to her and she smiled at me. I wrapped my arms around her and closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of her body against my skin. And there we stayed, in each other's arms, standing in the middle of the desert garden...the desert of life.
******
Wow, happy ending :) That's very rare for me :) I never really planned to write a sequel to "Eyes of Reflection", but some people encouraged me to....so here's the result :) This story also have some elements from an old Edgar-Terra love story I wrote before ( which I have taken down because I didn't like it ^_^ ). It's the longest story I have ever wrote too ( more than triple the size of "Eyes of Reflection"! O_o ) This might probably be the last Edgar-Terra story I'll ever write, since I think I have overused the angle already, and there are many stories out there about the two as well. So, unless I could come up with something good, this will be the last time you'll see Edgar and Terra together in my fanfic :) If you read both "Eyes of Reflection" and this story, I thank you for reading, and any comments can be sent to lillymorrigan@yahoo.com. If by any strange chance you want to read other fanfics I have wrote, just go to my site :)
Desert of Life © 2001 by Lilith Morrigan aka Midnite Angel Aeris |
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