Alone

[11.07.00] » by Astarte

You don't see me, can't see my pain. I stand here all alone, crying bitter tears of pain but nobody knows what to do or what to say. Some of them, the other kids come over, trying to make me feel better but all I want is for them to go away. They torment me with their happiness, their laughing and their shouting. It hurts like someone beat me. I want to scream and yell and pound the walls until either my hands break or I can't feel anymore. Sometimes I almost hate them.

Just looking at the kids makes me angry, makes me want to cry. They don't know how I feel. How can they, playing with each other like everything was alright? As though the world was a nice, safe and friendly place. It isn't. Nothing is alright. Nothing will ever be alright. Its like they don't even care that she's gone.

Elle, sis, she's gone. She went away, leaving me here all alone with nobody at all. Why did she go? Was I bad? What did I do? If I can be better, stronger, will she come back? I wish I knew what it was that I did to make her hate me. She must hate me. She wouldn't have left if she still loved me, would she? What was it that I did to make her hate me? I could fix it if I knew.

Seifer is the only one who seems to understand. We always end up fighting, rolling around in the dirt, kicking and screaming at each other until Matron comes to pull us apart. Hot tears burn my cheeks and the bruises hurt but it feels good to let go of that pain. Seifer understands, which is why we always fight. It helps for a minute or two, we forget that we have nothing and nobody. We forget that we're alone. I wish I could say something to him. I wish he could say something to me. All we have is our anger, I guess that's enough for me.

Quistis tries to replace her, tries to comfort me but all that does is make my skin crawl. Touch is like pain, too much pain. Too many feelings. The more she tries to be there the worse it feels. I sometimes have to just push her away, keep them all away so it all feels safe, less trapped. It feels like bugs under my skin, crawling and creeping, eating me from the inside. Alone is all the sanctuary that I have left. Feeling is like dying. I don't want to feel.

I watch them from a corner. Matron is sitting on a stool, blowing soap bubbles for the other kids. She calls for me to join in but I refuse. She looks sad, almost like she understands, so she lets me stay in my corner. Quistis tries to drag me over to the others but I pull away, angry. They are so stupid, wanting to chase after little bubbles. Don't they see that the moment they grab them, the bubbles will vanish? Why bother? What's the point?

I learned the truth. I guess Seifer knows it too, which is why we always understood each other. People are like soap bubbles. You reach for them to hug them and they vanish. Loving and caring are like poison, killing everything they touch. Everyone I loved vanished like the bubbles that the other kids are all chasing. I can see Selphie and the others laughing in delight as they chase one bubble after another. I won't chase those bubbles. I won't chase people either. Why bother? They only leave. Leave me behind.

Alone.

Fin.