The Dating Game

[10.26.00] » by Michael Collins

A large studio hall, filled with crowds cheering and clapping. Lights and tacky designs abounded; placed on every wall was a sign: "The Dating Game!" Before the audience was a triangular stage covered with plush pink carpet, and separating the stage into two parts, a long white wall. There was one chair on the left side of the wall, three on the right side. The air was tense: The show had yet to begin.

The announcer, a big stupid cat riding on a big stupid stuffed Moogle, strided quickly from a door backstage up to the stage, holding a mic in his hand. "Welcome to....The DATING GAME!! I'm your announcer, Cait SITH!" he said in a show voice. The audience went wild.

"For our first game today, we'll be giving one lucky bachelor a chance to walk away with a beautiful date! But will he pick the girl right for him, or wind up with a stinker?"

Laughs from the audience.

"First, let's see the three girls! Here they come!"

After the three 'bachelorettes' walked out and sat down in the chairs on the right side, the announcer asked them to explain their personalities to the croud. They couldn't do this while the 'bachelor' was on the stage because the game rules said the bachelor couldn't know anything about their names or personalities before the game started. All three contestants told the audience their names and gave a short biography about themselves.

"Okay, thank you ladies," said Cait Sith, "Thank you for those charming words. Now here comes our contestant..."

A guy with nicely kept, flatly parted blond hair, looking very dignified wearing an Armani tuxedo, strolled toward the announcer as Cait said...."Cloud Strife!!!"

When Cloud reached Cait, he stopped and whispered to him, "Cait?! What are you doing on this corny show?"

Cait looked pleased with himself. "What, did you think I actually wanted to do fake fortune telling in the Golden Saucer forever? This is my dream! I'm hosting a corny game show!....Hey, you don't look like scum off the streets, Cloud! What happened?"

Cloud seemed to be slightly riled at this. "I didn't look like scum!....Okay, I got a makeover on Sally. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"Well, you're still an ugly bum, but at least you're in a nice tux."

Cait motioned for Cloud to sit down, and he did so, after giving Sith a very nasty look. Since Cloud was on the other side of the wall from the contestants, he couldn't see what they looked like. He didn't care about personality, he just hoped he got a looker.

"Okay, would the contestants please give the bachelor a word of greeting?" Cait said, sounding as corny as ever.

Cloud listened intently.

"Contestant number one!"

A soft, yet bright and cheery, innocent voice: "Hello, Cloud! Nice to meet you!"

Hey, that sounds like........Aeris. Great. She's a REAL hottie...yeah, right.

(Author: Yeah, she's dead, but if it matters that much to you, go read another corny fic for an explanation on how she was revived. Boo.)

"Um...hey. Nice.....to meet you too." replied Cloud.

The next: A loud, yet bright and cheery, startlingly annoying voice: "Hiya Cloud! <giggles>"

If I didn't know better, I'd say that was Yuffie! Aw, man! Why her?! I'd rather go with Aeris anyday.

"Argh--I mean, hi."

The final voice. Deep, lusty, and sexy: "Heya Cloud sugar. Pick me. I'll do ya right, baby."

"Ooh. I think I like you, baby. Hello." said Cloud.

He heard girlish giggles coming from the other side of the wall.

"Okay, now it's time to ask the bachelorettes your questions!" Cait said, after giving Cloud a strange look. "To your left there's a stack of cards with the questions...pick which bachelorette you want to ask it to."

Cloud picked up the first card and read it.

"Okay, Bachelorette #3...What would you do if we went on a date?"

"Well...first I'd put on my sexiest dress...and...who says we gotta go on a date? You can just come to my place, I'll do anything you want, there!"

The audience made the annoying that's-dirty "oooh!" sound, and Cloud almost blushed.

Ah, just for fun. "Okay, so what would you do, #1?"

"Hmm....Well, I'd wear a pretty dress and makeup, and I'd take you to the museum, or the library, or you could go see my flower garden...Of course, if I liked you I'd let you give me a goodnight kiss after you took me home."

The audience made the annoying that's-so-sweet "awww" sound, and Cloud almost frowned.

He put down the card and got another one out.

He asked the girl that sounded (exactly) like Tifa the question. She made a deep, throaty laugh.

"Ooh, I like that question...Lessee. Well, first I'd keep on acting like I was eating it and didn't notice, and we'd get closer and closer. Then I'd stick my tongue in your mouth and play around--"

"Ah--Time for break!" Cait announced hurriedly. "We'll have more questions after these commercials!"

The cameramen turned the cameras off, a few makeup people came over to make sure Cloud looked okay. When the last one, a teenage girl, turned around, Cloud smacked her behind. She looked startled, but didn't say anything. Another strange look came over Cait's face.

Cait walked over to the girl's side. Cloud couldn't hear him all that well, but he heard The-Girl-Who-Must-Be-Tifa's voice saying, "Aw, but I was just having fun!"

"Um...right." came Cait's muffled voice. He walked back in front of the stage.

"So how's it been going, Cloud?" Cait said loudly into his mic in his show voice.

"Uh...good, good." said Cloud.

"I must tell the ladies that you are one handsome man! Don't you agree, audience?"

Silence. Then, a girl in the front row, a 12 year old girl with buck teeth, glasses, freckles, and crossed-eyes, started clapping. Cloud suddenly found his shoes very interesting and looked at the floor.

Then a guy in the crowd yelled, "Well, at least he's in a nice tux!" He stood up.

Cloud blinked. "Sephiroth??!"

Sephiroth grinned at Cloud. "In person. How's it goin', Cloud? Mind if I kill your date after the show?!" a snicker.

"But...you're dead!" exclaimed Cloud.

"I'm supposed to be," said Sephiroth, still grinning. He pulled something out of his pocket. "But check this out...it's a Get Out of Hell Free card. Won it in a poker game."

"Why, you -$$!" exclaimed Cloud, wishing he had the Ultima Weapon with him. But Sephiroth sat down. What a f-ing moron, thought Cloud.

"Oooooooookay, we're back!" said Cait, "On The Dating Game!"

An applause sign lit up over Cait's head, and the audience reluctantly started clapping.

"Alright, here's our lucky bachelor, who gets to go with one of these ladies on a very nice date. But we haven't told him what the date is yet! Cid Highwind, our producer, can tell him!"

Cloud suddenly had a deep feeling in his stomach.

A big screen TV to the side of Cloud turned on, and there was muffled cursing. "Dam-it! What the fu-k do you think you're doing! We've got a fuc-ing show to run here, dam-it! Get your as-es in gear before I kick you sh-t-eating scumbags out!!"

The man who was on the TV turned his swivel chair around to face the camera. His face turned ashen when he saw the audience. "Please don't tell me....DAM-IT!! Did it again!" The audience was hushed. "Ah...right." he turned to one of the background guys. "What the fu-k is the prize, anyhow?"

Muffled, subservient voices. Cloud cringed. CID is running this show! OMG! How did HE get the job! All he can do is fly and smoke like a Columbian crackhead! Well, that and he can cuss in 76 different languages... Oh, man!

"All fuc-ing right! Your prize is you....er....show voice....my bad....dam-it.... YOUR PRIZE IS.....Oooooooone deluxe trip for two to the GOLDEN SAUCER!! You and your date will ride 1^st class in a Highwind Enterprises jet--That's right Cloud, I have my own air service now--" Cloud nearly wanted to turn green. " To this deluxe casino, where you can endulge in chocobo racing, arcade games, roller coasters, and, of course, a romantic dinner for two on the trolley ride! After that, a room in the Ghost Hotel...for two.....Better watch out though. That sh-t's scary." After Cait glared at the TV, Cid said: "Oh, oops, my bad."

"How's that sound?" said Cait, as the TV flicked off.

"Uh...sounds nice..." said Cloud.

"Now, back to the game!" announced Victor, in his announcing announcer voice.

Cloud yawned and picked up the next card.

"Hmm....Imagine that you're an ugly b---- in a nice tux, and only managed to get on this show because the producer felt sorry for you. What would you do?"

The audience busted out laughing. Cait looked shocked.

Huh? Cloud thought. He reread the card. At the bottom, there was a note:

Cloud looked at the audience, paused for a moment, then put the card back in the pile. "Uh....Maybe you should go to the next one."

Okay....he picked up the next card.

"We're going on a date to the beach. Tell me everything you would do there to make me feel like a real man."

He thought, What the hey, and asked #2, The-Girl-Who-Must-Be-Yuffie.

"Well, first," the startlingly annoying high pitched voice screeched, "I'd take you materia hunting on the beach. Then, we could sit on the sand and swap our materia. Then, we could rent a boat and some scuba gear and dive for materia. Then..."

Cloud dozed off.

"Alright, alright!" said Cloud, after #2 had finally shut her trap. "I'd like to ask #3 that same question."

"Ooh..." said Sexy-Girl-Tifa. "First, we'd rub lotion all over each other, and I mean all over each other. Then we could go skinny dipping....I love skinny dipping. Then we could do it doggie-style. I love doing it doggie-style. It's very relaxing."

Cait Sith interrupted. "Don't you mean doggie paddling?" he asked, embarrased. Members in the audience turned to raise eyebrows at one another.

"Um.....yeah.....sure....." Sexy-Girl-Tifa said, then giggled. Cloud thought it was a very sexy giggle. He picked up the next card, wondering when the show was going to be over so he could go out with her.

"How much would could a wood chuck chuck if a would chuck could chuck wood?" he read. What? Got some friggin' comedians on this show... What the hey. "#3."

Sexy-Girl-Tifa giggled again, and replied: "Depends on how big your wood chuck is. Some of the ones I've known have good stamina, so they can chuck a long time."

Cait choked. "Commercial break!" he wheezed, and one of the stage girls ran out from the back room and smacked him on the back. After he swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat, he went into the director's room.

"The third contestant is ruining the entire show!" he told Cid. "This is insane!"

"Well, what the f--k am i supposed to do about it?" replied Cid.

"Uh..." but Cid answered himself before Cait could say anything: "I guess you can just quit the show early. I can handle the network flunkies. Just do the ending thing, and get them the he-l off!"

Cait walked back on stage and motioned toward the cameramen to start rolling again. "Welcome back to.....THE DATING GAME! Now, for the final part of the show, our contestant Cloud will get to pick the lucky girl that he gets to take on the date of a lifetime!"

Some of the audience members looked confused, since the show was supposed to last another half hour, but no one complained.

"Cloud, now you will get to pick the date you want to go with. But first, let's hear what each one has to say about you:" Cait motioned toward the three 'bachelorettes.'

"I would really like to meet you, Cloud. I hope you pick me! Of course, I'd have to make sure it was okay with my mom first..." said the first contestant.

"Dangit! Where did all my materia go?" said the second contestant.

"Right here!" cried Sephiroth, in the audience, holding up a stolen Ultima materia. "Payback for that time in Midgar, b---h!" Then he ran out of the studio, laughing evilly. (Of course, how else would Sephiroth laugh? Come on!)

"Um...right." said Cait. He scratched his head. "Contestant three?"

"Cloud, you hottie, pick me and I'll give you everything you ever wanted. And more." said #3.

Cloud Strife liked the sound of that. So, when Cait asked: "Cloud, which contestant is going to be yooooooooooour LUCKY DATE?!" Cloud answered very quickly, "Contestant #3! Yeah baby! Bring it to me! Let's get it on!"

"Alright, now it's time to meet the contestants face-to-face! Contestant #1!"

Cloud stood up and the crowd clapped as Aeris walked around the wall. She walked up to Cloud and shook his hand, smiling good-naturedly. "Have fun on your date!" she told him cheerfully, and walked out of the studio.

"Contestant #2!"

Yes indeed, it was Yuffie who walked around the wall next. She walked up to Cloud and was about to hug him, but Cloud grabbed her hands. "Not this time, kid." he growled at her. "What?" she asked, all bright-eyed innocence. "Last time you gave me a hug my wallet disappeared and I had to scrounge off of Aeris for a month." A look of dissapointment came over Yuffie's face, and she left. Cloud was rather proud of himself. He found out later that he was missing his Rolex watch.

"And, finally, Contestant #3, meet your date!"

Cloud couldn't wait for this. He hadn't seen Tifa in a while; he wondered if she would be even hotter than before and what kind of sleazy dress she was wearing.

"Oh, Cloud, sexy baby, come here, I've been waiting so long!" said the Sexy-Girl-Tifa voice, but it became suddenly apparent that Contestant 3 wasn't Tifa.

"B-b-Barret?" Cloud stammered. "Barret! OMG! Argh!"

"Yep, honey cheeks, it's me," said Barret, strolling over to Cloud and swinging his hips back and forth. Cloud was too shocked to move. Barret whispered in his ear: "You know, baby, if you really want it, I can have other...instruments...attached to my gunarm...."

Cloud turned green. He ran backstage, puked, and after he felt better he came back on stage. However, he looked at Barret (who was in drag, wearing what might have been a sleazy red dress) and had to run off the stage again.

When he came back, he asked Cait Sith: "I don't really have to go with him, do I?" Cait Sith answered, "No, not really..."

"Okay..." said Cloud, "THEN LET ME SEE TIFA!!" Barret looked on in confusion.

"I'm sorry, that can't happen." said Cait. "She's married."

"To who?"

"Vincent. Who else?"

"WHAT?...why? He was a vampiric bum!"

"He looks better than you," said Barret, who was pouting. "But I still think you're cute."

Cloud ran into the back room again. He came out two minutes later, whiping his mouth.

"Of course, Vincent wasn't happy about it. He's never happy about anything. But he's happier now than he was before, because happiness is judged by the amount of happiness others in your life have, and he was less happy before because everyone around him was less happy than him because he wasn't a happy person and that made them depressed." Cait said.

"Uh...right." Cloud said. Well, if I can't have Tifa... "AERIS!!!!" he yelled, and ran out the door.

The audience started clapping as the lights dimmed and the studio's doors opened.

Cait Sith just stared at Barret. Cid started cursing. Yuffie wondered how much money Cloud's Timex would roll in. Sephiroth, who was still running around Midgar, tripped in the middle of a street and was ran over by a truck.

"Soooooooooooo..........Until next time, ooooooon THE DATING GAME!!!!"

THE END