A Slightly Imperfect Murder

[08.07.00] » by David Solomon

Cloud walked down the sidewalk. The person in charge of the fanfic section gave a long, hearty sigh. Not another Final Fantasy 7 fanfic. Uggh...and then came another man...well...boy, in a green shirt, coming from the other direction.

"You told me to meet here?" Cloud asked.

"Yes, I did."

"Who are you?"

"Me?" The boy chuckled. "I was once the dragonmaster. I saved the world. And I had a very strange relationship with my adopted sister."

Cloud gasped. "You're that guy from Cruel Intentions!"

The boy sighed. "No, you idiot. My name is Alex."

"Oh. Why don't you have that fancy dragonmaster outfit on?"

"It was a rental. As soon as you save the world, you either give it up or pay for it by the hour."

"By the hour?"

"By the hour." A long pause. "So, I take it you wonder why I called you here."

"Well, yes, actually. My initial idea what that you wanted us to talk about our lives. Well, I'm happy to say that I just got a few nice pairs of slightly imperfect briefs. They're discounted because they have three holes!"

"That's not why I called you here." Alex interrupted. "I called you here because I'm willing to make you an offer. I'm planning to give you an enormous amount of money in your currency."

"An enormous amount?" Cloud asked. "In my currency?"

"No, of course not. Who told you that? Of course, you moron! No wonder you're single."

"But I'm not."

"You're not? Who's the lucky girl?"

"Ashley Judd."

A very long pause. "You know what that makes you?"

"What?"

"A sitting chicken with a lot of sex appeal."

A very, very, very long pause. Then Cloud said, "I think we've gotten way off topic."

"I'm glad you've admitted that. Because I'm willing to give you 5,000,000 gil, in a briefcase..."

"A slightly imperfect briefcase?"

"IN A BRIEFCASE, tax free."

"Tax free?"

"Tax free."

"Wow. So, where is it?"

"Whoa, I said tax free, not care free."

"I know. I heard you. I know when people are talking about bubblegum."

"You have to do something to get the money."

"I see. And what do I have to do to get this heavy sum of money?"

"Kill Nall."

Thunder struck. Alex looked up at the man watching TV at a very high volume. "Hey!" He shouted. "Get a hearing aid and turn that down!"

"Who's Nall?" Cloud asked. "And why do you want he/she/it killed?"

Alex scoffed. "Imagine a cross between a cat, a parrot, Tracy Ullman, and Jake Lloyd."

Cloud gasped. "My God! The demon must be destroyed immediately! I'd do it for free!"

Alex's eyes lit up. "You would?"

"Well, in theory, but you've already offered the money, and I figured that I might as well get paid to do it."

Alex shrugged. "Okay. By the way, if you don't get it done in three days, you don't get paid."

"Why? What happens in three days?"

"I go insane."

"Ah. One of my briefs had a stain."

"Shut up. Now."

*****

Luna entered. "Oh, what a glorious day!"

Alex entered. "Indeed it is! Oh, Luna, I love you!"

Nall entered. "Yikes! I haven't seen such a corny love scene since Dirty Dancing!"

Alex scowled. "Nall. Leave. Now."

Luna scowled. "Yes, Nall. Please leave. Unless you want to hear my new song!"

Nall scowled. "It better be better than the last one. The last one sounded about as bad as Bruce Willis!"

"It's much better! Ahem...

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Alex was clapping madly. "Beautiful! Beautiful!"

"Beautiful like a rhinoplasty accident," Nall said.

Alex groaned. Only a matter of time till she...he was gone...

*****

In the mighty Rocket Town, Cloud knocked on the door to Cid's house. Cid answered the door.

"Why, Cloud! It's been so long since I last saw you! Do come in."

Cloud, with a one-track mind, went straight to the point. "Cid, how do you kill somebody and make it look like an accident?"

"That's easy! Push him off a building."

The promptness of Cid disturbed Cloud. "Thanks. I'll go now."

*****

The sky was dark because it was nighttime. Nall was walking to the store. Alex had sent him to the store far away to get some tangible that they did not require. And Cloud was following him. Once he realized it, he started flying faster. Cloud started walking faster. Out of sheer stupidity, Nall wandered into the Microsoft building. Only, the s was gone.

"Hey," Nall said. "The s is gone. Now it just says Microoft."

"It's supposed to be gone!" The Microoft executive said. "Our company name is Microoft, and from now on, will always be Microoft! Buy Windows 2000." Nall ignored him and took the elevator to the top of the building. Cloud took the stairs. At the top, Nall hoped he could get to the next building, but Cloud grabbed him.

"Get your hands off of me, you severely unfavorable folk!"

Cloud winced. The voice was too horrible to imagine. He then proceeded to throw him off of the building....and Nall flew right back to the top.

"What are you trying to do, kill me?" Nall asked. "You're about as stupid as Brian De Palma!"

"Aaaargh!" Cloud could take the voice no longer. He pulled out his sword and ran at Nall. But Nall was flying several yards away from the building. So Cloud suddenly realized there was no ground below him, and made a random creative statement that got all the audiences falling out of their seats.

"Wow! What irony."

*****

"What? Dead?" Alex asked the policeman.

"Yep. Apparently, it was a suicide."

"Aarrgghh!" Alex screamed. "Now I have to find somebody else!" A day later, Alex was on the very same sidewalk, with a new, slightly shorter pawn.

"5,000,000 rupees, tax free. All you have to do, is kill Nall."

Link was very nervous. "Um...who's Nall?"

"Could you imagine a talking, flying cat on helium? Also very annoying?"

"How annoying?"

"Richard Simmons annoying."

Link gasped. "That's pretty bad."

Alex was a little confused. "Why are you so nervous?"

"Because I don't think I'm supposed to be here."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'm not in an RPG."

"Of course you are! The Legend of Zelda is an action RPG."

"Not exactly. It's in debate."

"Oh, stop worrying! It's bad for your brain."

"So is everything else."

"Good point. By the way, you have to have Nall dead in two days."

"Why two?"

"Because after two days, I go insane."

"Ah."

*****

A scene just happened that had to be unfortunately cut out to keep the rating below R. Don't worry. You didn't miss much. All that happened that was plot related was that Luna asked Alex whether or not Nall was dead. Alex said that he was in the process of getting the job done. The rest...is a bit too kinky to describe.

*****

Link thought tirelessly over how to successfully rid Nall of the world. Killing somebody and making it look like an accident is very hard. If it wasn't, believe me, it'd be happening all the time. Then, the thought hit him like a monkey out of South Dakota. Poison! Well, it wouldn't look like an accident, but then again...um...er...well...yes.

*****

"Once again, thank you so much for having me over for dinner," Link said.

"The please is ours," Luna said.

"This food tastes worse than 17 year old bacon on 4 year old bread!" Nall whined.

"Nall!" Alex shouted.

"I think the food is delicious," Link said. They continued eating. After a few minutes, Nall broke the silence. "Gotta go for a minute! Pee time!"

Alex sighed. "We don't need to know."

"But what's so bad about that word? Pee pee pee pee pee pee pee!"

"Just go!" Nall wandered off to the restroom. Link instantly picked out a bottle of poison, and poured it into Nall's glass. He then mixed it with the water.

"Where do you buy something like that?" Alex asked.

"What?"

"Poison? You know, you always see this 'all purpose poison' stuff. People don't make stuff just to kill people."

"Guns? Knives?"

"Knives are for cutting, guns are for game hunting."

"As is poison."

"Oh, forget it." Nall came back.

"Ah! Nothing like getting pee out of your system." Nall prepared to drink. All three of them watched in silence. But then, he put it down. "GOOD HEAVENS! THE ROAST BEEF IS LEAVING THE REFRIGERATOR!!!"

"What?" All three of them looked at the refrigerator, only to see nothing. They turned around.

"Oh. Must've been the wrong combination of pills this morning."

"I see." They all began to drink. All of a sudden, Link felt kind of sick. Then very sick.

"By the way," Nall said. "My drink smelled kind of funny, so I switched it with yours. Hope you don't mind."

"Not...at...all..." And then Link dropped dead on the ground. Nall didn't get it, though. "He must not like smelly drinks."

*****

"5,000,000 coins, tax free, kill Nall, annoying flying cat. Will you do it?"

"Gufauhaw!" Smithy said. "I'll smash the brat in a stroke!"

"Then you'll do it?"

"Hagufagufagu! Indeed!"

"By the way, you have to do it by tomorrow."

"Gagufleguafsi! What happens by tomorrow?"

"I go insane."

"Hegefuge!"

*****

Sometimes, the easiest thing to do is to do the easiest thing. Early the next morning, right before Alex was going to go insane, their door came down, and Smithy came in.

"Nall! You'd best be submitting. You'll be dead in a moment!" Smithy ran up to Alex.

"Where's the brat bunking?"

"Upstairs, second door on the right." Smithy ran up the stairs, and entered the second door on the right. And there was Nall, asleep.

"Gotcha now, brat!" Smithy raised his hammer high into the air. But his slowness was the end of him. Nall woke up, and flew behind him, and grabbed the hammer. After a some pulling, the hammer went backwards, and Smithy fell on his back.

"Guouchafauchu!" Smithy moaned. "I flipped a disk!" At that point, Alex and Luna entered the room.

"Smithy!" Alex shouted. "You can still do it! 5,000,000 coins will more than pay for your operation!"

"I must destroy Nall!" Smithy picked up his hammer, but he was too tired, and he let loose the hammer. He then fell through the floor, and landed a floor down. A long pause.

"He might have survived that," Alex said. Then, without warning, all three of them felt the ground under them give way, and they fell. Moments later, they lifted up rubble, and discovered that their whole house had collapsed.

"He did not survive that," Luna said. For a few minutes, they just stood there. Then came the speech.

"You know," Alex began. "I've learned something today. Sometimes, people get on your nerves. And although you don't want to, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. The fact is, these people may have something to offer. You never know."

"I must say I agree," Luna said. "Because I feel that in a strange way, I feel that I have become more tolerant of Nall. And I bet he has some very interesting anecdotes to offer."

All of a sudden, Nall died of a heart attack.

Alex grinned. "Sweet! It worked!"

THE END