A Loving Betrayal

[07.06.00] » by Soul Hunter

How do you define friendship? How do you describe this much-vaunted human relationship that is powerful enough to draw two or more people to each other and make them cling together with a ferocity that dwarfs the ties between family, and yet emits the right degree of indifference to not allow moments to stray too far? How should you feel about a friend? When can you tell if that person fighting alongside you and dressing your physical as well as emotional wound is a true friend or not?

Is it the oft-professed vows of loyalty? Is it the numberless instances of selfless and indiscriminate displays of sacrifice? Can you call a person a friend when that person has repeatedly put nearly everything on the line only to spare you from gross humiliation, public disgrace or life-threatening injuries? Does a friend offer you his identity even if he thinks you are too different to relate with?

Or if someone has done all these and more, can you call YOURSELF a friend even after all the times of expressing your gratitude, you'd turn your back on this individual just when he needs you most?

When can you call betrayal an act of friendship?

Questions of irony. Questions of fear. Questions that spawn more questions.

Questions asked in a desperate bid to escape self-reprisal.

He was always there for us… for me. Dwelling under this hateful cloud of insecurity when I first entered those esteemed halls, he rescued me from the agony of possible persecution. He rescued me from myself, from my fears that I will later on discover as unfounded. But that is quite beside the point. He never had a second thought nor did he stop to ponder if incidents might actually go against my way. He just came to me, offering his unreserved attention and protection. And up to now, I still don't know why he did that.

You'd think a soul as resolute and confident as that, with a brazen attitude and bold resolve of his own capability and superiority wouldn't even give the time of day for someone as insignificant as myself. That's what I thought. That's what I have been asking since day one. Why is he wasting his time on me? This person should know that with all his celebrated faculties, he could very well stand on his own and revel in his justified acclaim without having to bother with a grain of dust like me. I didn't understand him then.

Not that I mind, of course. In fact, I liked the attention. I liked the fact that someone like him, who can be misconstrued as snobbish and self-absorbed, would actually descend from his pedestal and painstakingly teach me the ways of the gods. No one would actually believe that this guy, loathed for his unforgiving ways, actually possesses the patience that would shame that of the wisest Shumi. Maybe he's limiting this facet of himself only to me. I'd like to think so. I have to admit that I thrill at the thought.

Perhaps I can safely consider that he harbors feelings for me more profound than I would otherwise believe? No… I'd rather not. I adore the prospect, but I guess despite the way he successfully brought out the proud conqueror in me, I reckon no one could bring me to believe that someone of his stature will actually fancy me with an affection befitting only that of an object of romance. Besides, I know he has his eyes set on someone.

But I don't mind. It may be possible for me to regard him with an admiration deeper than my sense of self-preservation will allow. Even if it is going to be unrequited. But still, I'm happy. Happy and honored, for the fates to have smiled on me this way as to let my paths cross with that of the greatest soul in this planet. He who treated me as an equal, even though I still shrink at the thought of being side by side with him in public. That's why I always make it a point to walk at least one step behind him. We always did.

But that's beside the point. He has given me so much, and I can never repay him enough for his kindness and generosity. I therefore pledged my unqualified loyalty to him.

I am still at a loss as to when things started to go wrong. I turn my back for one second and he's gone. Disappeared without a trace. We looked for him. And when we found him, our eyes basked on the image of a man who still seems to brandish that unmistakable aura of grandeur. But something is amiss; something is not right here. It was as if some unbelievably more influential entity has infected him with an alien sense of amour propre that, at first glance, I thought was the one inherent of him. But who cares, right? We're together again. And for me, that is all that matters in the world.

But I can never shake off the foreign cognizance, the eerie perception of anomaly. My friend still brandishes the same fire of fortitude, but now it seems everything is going off in all the wrong directions. I desperately wanted to think that it was only me, that someone must have put something in the food that I ate for supper. I cannot bear to accept the possibility that my rescuer is beginning to be consumed in a series of tumultuous events that he instigated himself. He may have been contemptible in his treatment of others outside our circle, but I never believed that he has it in himself to actually hurt people. It's as if he is being possessed by the devil.

What should I do in a situation like this? The answer is simple. He is my savior, and the only true friend this life of mine has known. It doesn't matter if he has shifted to a different path. I will follow him. I will follow him to the boundaries of Hades if need be.

And that I did. I should probably feel good about this. I have proven to him my faith, my unwavering loyalty manifested by the number of times I stood against former friends and colleagues for the sake of everything he is striving for. In the name of everything he believes in, I pushed hard, even despite the monster others will see in me for executing such adverse deeds.

In the name of everything he believes in…

I wanted so badly to just slap a leash around my neck and submit to my friend fully. At least I wouldn't have to contend with the worst enemy I have ever faced: my own conviction. I tried to fight it off, even wondering how did I come to have this inner voice, so strong it actually began to challenge the blind faith I have so willingly conferred to this great man. I hated myself for the bludgeoning question that kept reverberating in my head no matter how hard I fought to silence it. I abhorred the truth. But it is still the truth.

I do not believe in his cause.

What a wretched ingrate I turned out to be!

We still fought his enemy. And we lost. This is not an attempt to save face, since I really am not pleased in admitting that my heart is not really in that battle. Come the next round, I can't bear to stand against them anymore. I can't bring myself to stand against what I feel is right. I allowed a mindless brute to fight the next battle for us as I contemplate on the grimmest decision I have ever had the displeasure of making.

I now betray my friend.

It breaks my heart to do this. Despite what other people say about him, the compassion that he showered me with can never be denied even by the most slanderous propaganda. I should be worshipping the very ground his feet tread on. But instead, I find myself adamantly drafting words I hope will be forceful enough to effectively let him know of how I strongly feel about his misguided crusade. It doesn't please me to do this, but I will tell him how I feel. To hell with this speech impediment!

It saddens me. I wish it didn't have to end this way. It is really so sad… that I only have Squall to rely on now. The thought crushes on my nerve as my hand slips to release its hold on Ellone.

I fervently hope that someday, a time will come when Seifer will understand why I had to do this. I hope he can someday find it in his heart to forgive me. I wish there could be another way, but there isn't. He once came from out of the blue and saved me from my own cruel penchant for self-castigation. I now aim, if not for anything, to rescue him from this ever-widening path to his own destruction. That's the least I could do for all that he's done for me. I now hand him over to his enemy, to the only one I can trust to do the thing that I can never and will never find the strength to do on my own.

This is the greatest act of friendship that I can hope to do. And I pray with all my heart that I never regret this for as long as I live.

-fin-